"Love Notes and Trench Coats - Valentine´s Woes" by Glo ´the Bug´ Bowden

            Smiling, Cardboard Hut stepped in her office, prepared to start work on her latest project.  As she marched past her official desk, something caught her eye.

            Oh, there's something in my inbox, she thought, reaching out to grab a large red package.  When she pulled it from beneath the pile of papers and could make out its telltale heart shape, she blushed, whether with anger or embarrassment it was hard to say.

            What day is it? she thought desperately as she read the tag aloud, "To the Beauteous Hut, From Twit the Unworthy."

            A sudden knock came to her door, and she hit to button on her desk, letting Agent Sudoku inside.

            "Su!  Su!  Thank goodness you're here!"  Hut cried, waving the box above her head. "What day is it?"

            "Um...the fourteenth?" he ventured as though wondering if it were a trick question.  He went on when he saw the bemused look on her face. "You know...Valentine's Day."

            "Nooo!" Hut wailed, collapsing into her swivel chair, which turned out to be a bad idea as it was currently occupied by a little robotic droid who squeaked indignantly as Hut sprung back to her feet, clutching her derrière.

            "What's wrong with Valentine's day?" Sudoku asked as she picked up Kitsch and started stroking him apologetically.

            "I haven't set up my defenses!" Hut said, more to Kitsch, "What'll I do? Kitsch, take care of this, stat!"  She threw the box of chocolates, and Kitsch summarily blow torched it as it flew through the air.

            Sudoku blinked at the black ashes sprinkling the ground. "I take it you're not a fan of Valentine's day?"

            "Not at this agency, no," she grumbled.  "Do you know how potentially dangerous this holiday is?"

            "Dangerous?"

            "Yes, dangerous!"

            Just then an electronic bell dinged, alerting Hut to a new message in her inbox.  She approached it cautiously, and with good reason because she had to duck a moment later as a baby-sized little cupid-droid complete with diaper, bow, and heart tipped arrows came zipping out of it, blaring "You're my little chu-chi face..." in a deep, smarmy, static-cracked voice.

            "Who's that from?" Sudoku asked. "Must be someone in the Mechanic's department...Woah, look out!"  He pulled Hut aside as an arrow zipped past. "If it's supposed to be a valentine, why is it attacking you?"

            "Love potions!" Hut wailed, "It must have poisoned arrows!  And those chocolates; I can bet you anything they were spiked too!  Why aren't love potions illegal?!"

            The cupid swooped and Sudoku aimed a careful high-kick at its rump, sending it into a spin that landed it in a pile of scrap metal.

            "Thanks," Hut said.  Another ding alerted her to another gift in her inbox.  "Kitsch!  Battle stations!"

            The possum saluted and leapt atop the desk.  A well-stocked arsenal of blowtorches and machine guns popped cartoon-like out of an impossible space in its back, pointing at the inbox as Hut grabbed the handle, pulled it open, and leapt aside.

            Nothing happened.

            "Just a bouquet," Hut sighed, taking it, "’To my Babydoll.’  Aww, Swell Well...wait a minute!"   She threw the large bouquet of crimson roses to the ground.  "Kitsch! Destroy!"

            Kitsch complied in a blaze of fiery glory, first shooting the bouquet into tatters, then blowtorching it so that it exploded in a tiny mushroom cloud.

            "It might have had potion on the thorns!"  Hut replied to Sudoku's inquisitive look as he carefully unstuck himself from a surprised, defensive pose.

            "I think you might be paranoid," he replied.

            "...together we're a chu-chi woo-chi oo-chi coo-chi pair!"

            "Heads up!" Sudoku cried.

            Hut avoided another arrow in the nick of time.  "Kitsch!  Destroy!"

            The possum head-butted Sudoku in the gut, winding him and knocking him to the floor with its arsenal trained on his surprised face.

            "Not him!" Cardboard Hut cried, "Abort, you stupid rodent, abort!"

            Kitsch cocked his head at her and let the weapons disappear into the tiny compartment in his back just as the cupid flew up from behind her and poked her in the backside with an arrow.

            "Ow!" she growled, flipping around and thanking her lucky stars that the potion-tipped arrow hadn't pierced her many-pocket pants, "Why you little...!" She dove for the cupid and, pinning it between her knees, pulled a hammer from one of her pockets and started to pound the droid to pieces. "Tiiink..." she muttered under her breath, "If I ever get my hands on you..."

            "...chu-chi...woo...oo...chi...fa-a-ace...eeeeervooom...thpppppt, ack, pffft..." and the android finally gave up the ghost.

            Breathing hard and staring at the pile of scrap metal, broken cogs, and snapped arrows with a wild exhilaration in her face, Hut clutched her trusty hammer and jumped when she heard the telltale bell on her inbox.

            "Incoming!" Sudoku warned, but before either of them could approach the desk the inbox door flew open, shooting out an impossible amount of pink, red, and white envelopes, boxed chocolates, bouquets, conversation hearts, chocolate roses, and other various and sundry XOXOs.  Despite their best efforts, Hut's enormous Office was five feet deep in valentines in a matter of minutes.

            She and Sudoku retreated atop one of her half-disassembled F-16s as the pile kept growing.  Kitsch swam about delightedly in the papery mess, his tale sticking out above him like a reed.

            "What should we do?" Hut wailed, "We'll be buried alive!"

            "I had no idea you were this popular!" Sudoku exclaimed.

            "What did you come to talk to me about anyway?"  Hut asked, turning to him.

            "Oh...well, I just came to proclaim my undying love for you."  And he grabbed her roughly in his steely arms, pulling her close and leaning in with lips a-pucker.

            Cardboard Hut awoke with a start, her pitter-patting heart pounding in her ears.  "Just a dream," she murmured, lying back onto her pillow with a relieved sigh.  "Good thing Valentine's day's not for another week..."

            "a-Yoooooooooooooou're my little Chu-chi face!" a deep, robotic voice boomed.

            Hut leapt atop her sheets as a stream of heart-tipped arrows followed her dodging form, nearly pinning her to the wall above her bed.  She stood in an awkward position between the dodged arrows as the cupid of her nightmares reloaded a heavy-duty crossbow.  Her dog tags beeped and she answered the communicator, peeling herself away from the wall and pulling an arrow from her braid.

            "Morning H..."

            "What day is it?!" she cried, cutting off her teammate.

            "Well, February fourteenth of course."

            "NnnnnoooooooO!"

            Ziiip! Twonk! and an arrow finally found its mark.