Elfwood is the worlds largest SciFi & Fantasy community.
  - 92958 members, 9 online now.
  - 56451 site visitors the last 24 hours.

 

 
StartWhat's NewJoin UsPopularSciFi & Fantasy ArtStoriesTutorialsCommunityFindRulesAbout
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Cheyenne Kai

"Priceless" by Cheyenne Kai

SF&F Picture 4 out of 6 by Cheyenne Kai
 
Tag As Favorite
 
People are trying to grab something that doesn't belong to them. They get what they deserve.
 Add Bookmark
Tag As FavoriteComment

Priceless

He took a deep breath. The stairs loomed up high above him, disappearing into the endless darkness. Like many others before he was getting the sacred treasure. But this time he was going to succeed in capturing it.

 He began to climb the steep, slippery steeps which crawled forever above him into the towering darkness. 

 Feeling suddenly dizzy and nauseous he reached out blindly for the rail, but instead found the cold stone wall. The stone was as sharp as needles, as if someone had sharpened them. He abruptly took his hand away, sucking it to ease the pain creeping into his fingers, tasting blood.

 Finally he reached the top. With no further hesitations he took the goblet. It shone brilliantly into his greedy eyes, as though happy to be finally found, and free from the freezing dungeon.

 He chuckled slyly to himself. He wasn’t going to let the council get there grubby hands on this!

 There was a creaking noise. He looked round suddenly, his eyes wide. Were the walls closer? And the ceiling, wasn’t it a bit higher earlier on?

 Those needle sharp stones were coming nearer, and nearer to him.

 Still holding the goblet he screamed ‘noooo…………’

 The words echoed around the lifeless dungeon for a few seconds, then stopped. Like all those other voices before him.

 

←- Fire and Water Chapter One | Vamp. 1 -→

DateNameComment 
22 Jun 200445 Schawna 'Gypsy Willow' Sargent
Hey thought I would stop by, and I'm glad I did. Love this piece.

*Farewell*
-Gypsy Willow-

3 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thankyou, glad you like it."
13 Aug 200445 Stephan Calloway
This was a good read. Short, but very involving. If I may, I'd like to point out a couple places that may need rewrite. Of course, if you already know of them, just disregard this part of my comments...
-- He began to climb the steep, slippery steeps which...---
I think 'slipper steeps' should be 'slipper steps'
--The stone was as sharp as needles, as if someone had sharpened them.--
'The stone' .... 'sharpened them' ... probably want to change 'The stone was' to 'The stones were' ...?
All that aside - again I'll say how much I enjoyed this read. It might make an interesting prologue to a longer story, should your muse ever push that way, I'd say yes!
Good work, I'll be back soon to read more.

1 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thankyou very much! Always glad to here of your comments, didn't realize the second mistake. Glad you enjoyed reading it."
14 Jan 2005:-) Edmond Barrett
Entertain piece, perhaps alter you intro so it doesn't give so much away.

2 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thankyou for commenting. I'll look over it again and see what I can do. Thanks for the hint."
4 Jul 2005:-) Dabao 'The Monkey' Jia
Very entertaining. A normal little robber robbing places and comes across the priceless goblet of (fill in the blank)! By the way, i don't think your stuff are too descriptive. I think it's just nice. I liked the way the person wondered about how the ceiling was higher before and the walls seemed to be closer.

2 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thank you for the compliment."
5 Jul 2005:-) Julia Anna Rill
Oh wow! Nice and short and yet not too short. Leaves the reader enough space to imagine what happens without telling too few details! I like it! A lot!

2 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thank you for your comment. Glad you thought that."
27 Jul 200545 Nana Leonti
Wow this was good as it was short! Feeling the Iron Maiden crushing on him shouldn't feel nice 14 Good job! Keep it up!

3 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Glad you thought it was good! "
14 Aug 2005:-) Kidnero
"The last man on Earth sat alone in his room. There came a knock on the door...." (Fredric Brown)

Maybe the best short, and then we're talking short, story ever. Hard to beat. This was a little longer, had some faults as mentioned above, but, still, it was a really good one.

1 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thank you!"
13 Nov 2005:-) Deborah Cullins Smith
Very succinct and to the point! The only suggestion I have is that you find stronger verbs. (That's my biggest pet peeve, and I harp on it constantly!) Grab a thesaurus, if you need the help. (I never write without one by my side!) Adjectives and adverbs are great, but a strong verb will do more for your story than anything else. Example: Instead of "getting" something, do you "grab", "lunge for", "embrace", "clutch", "cradle in your arms"..... See what I mean?

The concept was classic -- but I'd like to see you elaborate a little more. What thoughts ran through his mind when he saw it? Did he remember hearing his old uncle talk about it? Did he dream of being lauded as a great adventurer one day? Did his heart pound against his ribs? When he held it in his hands, did they tremble at the power? Did his fingers tighten greedily? Did he envision a grand unveiling of his accomplishment? THEN he notices the ceiling slipping down on him....

Keep at it, Claire! ~deb

2 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thank you for the useful comment."
29 Dec 2005:-) Maren Aune
Oooh. 0_o
I love this piece. It's well written, it contains good description and it's the kind of story which I love to read. I just got to say it once more: I LOVE this piece! =D

2 Cheyenne Kai replies: "Thank you. It's a shame my novel isn't up, but never mind. Happy that you liked it!"
12 Dec 2006:-) Stacy M. Leng
Nice. Usually when I read a piece this short, I'm all disappointed, but this finishes up nicely. *sigh* If only everybody could get what they deserve.
Page: [1] 2 3
Not signed in, Add an anonymous comment to this guestbook...    

 Your Name:
Your Mail:
   Private message? (Info)



About 'Priceless':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Cheyenne Kai
 • Copyright: ©Cheyenne Kai. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Atmosphere, Dungeon, Walls, Spiky, Goblet
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc.
 • Views: 139


More by 'Cheyenne Kai':
 Fire and Water Chapter One
Vamp. 1
Fire and Water Chapter Two
Coils of Darkness (originally FW chapter 1)
Vamp.2.

Related Tutorials:
  • 'On Teen Writing' by :-)Elisabeth A. Wilhelm
  • 'Writing in English as a Foreign Language' by :-)Inger Marie Hognestad
  • 'The Deception of Description'
  • Art Education Finder...
    •  
    Home |  About |  Advertising |  Terms of Service |  Copyright Info |  Contact Us | 
     

    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories created by Thomas Abrahamsson and helpful assistants and moderators, owned by the Elfwood corporation.

    [More...]