Elfwood is the worlds largest SciFi & Fantasy community.
  - 149180 members, 1 online now.
  - 14289 site visitors the last 24 hours.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Hillary Kent

"Forsaken: Part 1 Turmoil" by Hillary Kent

SciFi/Fantasy text 12 out of 25 by Hillary Kent.      ←Previous - Next→
 
Tag As Favorite
 

This is one of the first short stories I have ever written, so please excuse the few rough spots.  I am still working on revising and updating it, just for the practice, really.  I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas you have that may help. 


Add Bookmark
Tag As FavoriteComment
←- Forsaken: Part 8 Tangled Truth | Forsaken: Part 2 Dangerous Company -→


Firelight danced on the walls, illuminating the room in a soft glow of warm light. The farthest corners of the high ceiling were bathed in shadow where the light could not reach, making the room look as if it had a dark, mysterious sky of its own. It was silent except for the sound of the logs as they broke and fell under the steady anger of the flame. The breathless wood sent up a sudden rush of dancing sparks as it shattered.


An old woman sat silently at a table near the blaze. Her eyes followed the dance it made but her mind was much farther away as she watched. The red and yellow fire reflected in her black eyes turning them into a blaze of color. Her spirit had matched that too once. She had been like the flame was now, so brilliant, so alive, and so vibrant as it thrived in its own life. But that was long ago. All she had now was memories.


But those were memories that must be preserved. Those people that still needed to thrive had to know what was coming to them. They would call her an old and delirious woman. They might even laugh at the story that she gave them. But privately some of them would be uncertain too. She was old, older even than they thought. But she was no one’s fool. Her mind was as strong as ever, and even though her vibrant life had faded to a steady smolder she had gained some little bit of wisdom in return; and more importantly, knowledge.


They had to know.

Slowly, carefully, she picked up the feather pen that lay on the table in front of her. This hurt, to bring those memories to the surface, to think of what might have happened, what did happen…what could still happen. Pain, that was what memories were; beautiful, restful pain.


And slowly, steadily she began to write.

* * * *

It started on the night that the King was killed. It had been a dark and stormy winter day and the night had been no better. Lightning played dangerously near the castle towers and the rolling thunder plunged its massive voice into the very foundations. The rain was so thick that only the vaguest of shapes could be seen through the torrent.


King Vear had been in a foul mood all day. He was a wild sort of a man who much preferred studies of strength to the more subtle, but no less challenging, studies of the mind. He was quick tempered but by no means was he slow witted. He was tall, muscular, and handsome in a rough, untamed way. He ruled with an iron fist, dueling out punishments with a vengeance, but his rule was tolerable to live under....to a human. He reminded one of a bear, wild, untamable, headstrong, and with a bite that could kill.


This evening, the King's temper was roused by the howling of the wild outside that trapped him in. It had been like this for days, nothing but the steady beat of rain and sleet, and the beast was sick of his cave. The evening wore on while he simmered in frustration. Finally when midnight drew near he sent everyone away from the hall. Throwing himself into a chair he proceeded to glower at the dying embers of the fire. The still of the night asserted itself and only the occasional, distant thunder penetrated its silence.


Vear lost track of time in his sullen brooding. He did not know what time it was when he suddenly felt instinct tell him that he was being watched. He sprang to his feet and swung around to face the shadowed figure that stood regarding him.


"What are you doing here?" He snapped as his temper flared with the sudden shock of not being alone after all.

"Pardon me Sire," The man made a short bow, "but I am afraid that I have some business that I must speak with you about immediately."

Vear frowned. He relaxed slightly but his shrewd gaze never left what he could see of the man. He wore a black cloak that covered him in shadow and he stood just outside the ring of light that the fire made so that his face was hidden. He was no servant, but he was not a noble that Vear recognized either.


"Come here so that I can see you." He ordered brusquely.

The man obliged, throwing back his hood to show his face as he moved gracefully into the light. He was as tall as Vear but his eyes and hair were a deep, absolute black that contrasted and yet complimented his fair skin. He seemed calm and relaxed and Vear didn't like that at all. Most people were afraid of him, especially those that knew him well. He liked to be intimidating and it annoyed him that this man didn't seem be troubled by that fact that he was in the presence of royalty, and temperamental royalty at that.


"Who are you? I haven't seen you around here before. Or have I? You blasted nobles are always coming and going. I can never keep track." Vear proceeded to pour himself a drink from a small side table but he continued to watch the newcomer discretely out of the corner of his eye.

"My name is Terien." The man said simply.

"Well, and what else?" Vear inquired impatiently as the Terien made no further remark. "Where are you from and what do you want? How did you get past my guards?" Suddenly remembering the man's earlier remark he added, "What exactly what is this 'business' anyway that couldn’t wait until morning?"

Terien gave a small, nonchalant shrug. "Your death" He said simply, and gave the King a small, sympathetic smile.

* * * *

Seril woke up with a scream, the image of the knife sliding into her brother's chest vivid in her mind. Servants crowded into the room in less than a moment and anxious questions buzzed in her ears. Her dreams plagued her most nights but she had learned to control her reactions. She had hid them from everyone she knew; they were the one secret that she had truly never told anyone about. But this one had been different. She half fell out of her bed and stumbled for the door, ignoring the inquiries and comments of the bleary eyed servants. She stumbled into the corridor and started running as fast as she could. She could almost feel the bewildered looks that were cast after her as they followed, still half asleep, but sure of their duty. She had to get there in time! But somehow she knew that she was already too late.


* * * *

Terien's head snapped around as the muffled scream echoed through the castle. He muttered a curse as he yanked his knife free and the body fell to the ground. Someone, somehow, already knew. How? But no, it didn't matter. It just meant that he was shorter on time now; a lot shorter. He muttered a curse as he flew toward the door. In another second he was out of the hall and gliding silently through the twisting corridors, as noiseless and unsubstantial as one of the many shadows.


* * * *

Seril flew down the last length of the corridor, spurred by the sight of the guards slumped down by the door. They were dead; it was obvious at a glance. She burst into the hall and skidded to a stop, staring down at the form that lay on the floor. Her brother, Vear…murdered. The red blood was already pooling on the floor, soaking into the patterns of the rug. He was lying on his back and his hand was flung out towards the dying flames. His face, for once, was expressionless.


“No!” The strangled cry was out of her mouth before she was even aware that she was speaking. “No, no, no!”

Seril dropped to her knees as the uncontrollable tears flowed down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to block out the image but it was no use. The dream rose up again in her memory despite her efforts to block it out. A small corner of her mind was dimly aware that the servants were running into the room, waking the palace, calling for the healer. She could see the image again of the dagger that sank into her brother's heart. She could see the startled, wild anger in Vear's eyes. She could even see...the killer.


Without warning she staggered to her feet and fled out another door, following the path that she now knew the man had taken. No one noticed her go in the confusion but that was just as well. She didn't know how she knew so much but she didn't care. It was enough for now to be able to just know. She had to find him. He had to pay.


Her path led her through the massive building and finally to a small side door that led into the gardens. She slipped through, shivering as the wind drove the stinging rain into her skin. Her feet were bare and the cobblestones and mud numbed her feet almost immediately. Gritting her teeth against the cold she wrapped her arms around herself and plunged forward heading for the stables. He would be there, she knew it.


She slipped inside and shut the door carefully behind her. She was soaked to the skin and the water made her hair cling to her neck and face but she ignored it, not bothering to wipe it away. It was oddly quiet compared to the fury outside. The only sound was the rain drumming on the roof above and the soft breath of slumbering horses. She took a deep breath to steady herself, squared her shoulders, and walked slowly forward.


"It’s no use hiding, I know you're here." She said. Her voice sounded calmer in her ears than she felt. She supposed that was a good thing. She kept walking, slowly and deliberately.

And then she spotted him. He was standing against the far wall, frozen still and wary, watching her. He held the reins to a huge black stallion in his hand that he had apparently just led out of the stall before she had entered. She halted abruptly a few feet away, and stood glaring at him. She realized that she had no weapon and she was certainly outmatched considering that he had managed to kill someone as skilled as her brother. But she had to try. Anger and pain burned at her chest giving her courage. She looked at him carefully with the look of a wolf sizing up its prey. A sudden flash of lightning lit up the room for a second and Seril caught a glimpse of his face. It was sleek and angular in the sharp light and his black obsidian-colored eyes and hair made his skin seem almost unnaturally pale. She had seen him briefly in her nightmare but she had barely noticed that he was handsome. More than handsome, there was something about him that was...captivating.


"You're an elf!" The words were out of her mouth before she could even think she was so surprised. The Old Races were not seen very often in the land. "But how…everyone knows that you’re all dead or gone."

"That's not very observant of you." Terien retorted, somewhat dryly, "especially coming from a half-blood."

Seril blinked. "A what?"

Terien's impassive mask wavered for a second showing a flash of mild surprise, but it vanished again in an instant. He said nothing.

Seril chose to ignore the odd remark. She was here for a reason.

"You killed my brother." She said. Her voice was harsh and accusing.

"Yes." Both his face and voice were expressionless as he answered but Seril was unprepared for the sudden pain that leapt into his eyes. She had to stop herself from recoiling involuntarily in her surprise. She hesitated for a moment, but even in her confusion she also was acutely aware of the anger burning within her. No one had the right to take another's life for any reason. It was wrong, and she believed that to her core.

"Why?"

"That is not for you to know...not now at least. You mean to kill me, don’t you?"

Seril gritted her teeth as her anger flared. Curse him, he actually sounded amused!

"Yes!" She snapped, "And I will if it’s the last thing I ever do!"

"Let me spare you the discomfort of trying. You can't."

“Watch me!” She snarled.

For as long as she could remember Seril had been rigorously trained by master swordsmen. Vear had insisted that she know how to defend herself properly. She could match even the best of Vear’s solders despite her smaller and lighter frame. She was grateful for the rigorous hours now as she lunged herself at her brother’s killer. She moved quicker that most could even follow as her fist struck out at his face. In the split second before her blow fell she saw the elf’s eyes widen slightly in surprise. There was an almost imperceptible blur of motion and the next thing she knew the ground was rushing up to hit her and her arm was pinned painfully behind her back.


“Bastard.” She growled into the rough floorboards.

“Don’t you mean ‘elf’?” The unruffled voice asked mockingly back. “It’s the same difference to you, right Human?”

She didn’t have time to answer before he shoved a damp gag into her mouth. It seemed to Seril that it took hardly more time for him to tie her up and drop her into the now empty stall than it did for him to knock her to the ground. He didn’t say another word as he quickly mounted and disappeared into the blinding storm.




←- Forsaken: Part 8 Tangled Truth | Forsaken: Part 2 Dangerous Company -→

DateNameComment 
30 Dec 2009:-) Chris King
Hi Hillary, I enjoyed this part of your story very much. You did a good job in catching my attention at the beginning and kept me reading throughout. The writing flowed well and it followed a logical progression. Well done!

One suggestion I have for the very beginning is to possibly rework the first sentence to introduce a character performing some type action. I’ve found that the first sentence of a story can be key for capturing a reader’s attention (especially here on Elfwood), and sometimes starting with the description of a place or environment rather than an action or character can lose a reader. For example, in the original prologue for my story, I started with this sentence: "The dark figures swept across the vast desert in eerie silence like ghostly wraiths, gliding with unnatural speed and grace over the desolate terrain". If you read my current prologue, you’ll see how I narrowed and zoomed in the focus of the first sentence to help better pull the reader in (at least that’s what I hope, haha). For your story, what if you expanded the first line of the second paragraph and made it the first sentence of your story instead? Maybe something like this: "An old woman sat silently at a table near a blazing fire, pondering whether to embrace the pain of her memories or cast them away like old rags, torn and useless. Firelight danced on the walls, illuminating the room in a soft glow..."

This is just a thought--I might be way off here.
30 Dec 2009:-) Chris King
I really liked the line "It started on the night that the King was killed.", I just think you need to define what "it" is right away (especially because the following sentence also starts with "it"12. What about something like this?: "The beginning of the end for the kingdom began on the night that the King was killed."

Your writing has a very appealing voice and you are certainly talented! The only other minor, mechanical things I would watch out for is the use of adverbs that modify verbs--most of the time the use of adverbs signifies telling rather than showing. If you want the reader to experience something, I’d suggest using a more descriptive verb instead of an adverb. Also watch for starting consecutive sentences with the same word, for example "She". Overall I think you did a nice job avoiding repetition, but it’s something that can be improved upon through editing (at least that’s what I find in my own writing).

I definitely plan on reading on!

:-) Hillary Kent replies: "Hi Chris, thanks so much for the suggestions. This particular story is one of my early ones, so I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a bit rough in places. I didn’t really notice that first sentence though...if I ever get around to doing a revision I’ll try to rework it.
Thanks!"
3 Jan 2010:-) Patricia M. D´Angelo
For one of your first stories, it’s a job well done. As pointed out by the previous comments, choose your verbs well. Try to avoid the passive helping verbs when possible. They lend themselves to telling instead of showing.

The rain was so thick that only the vaguest of shapes could be seen through the torrent.

Rid the sentence of the helping verb was and you get...

Rain cascaded in thick gusts leaving only the vaguest of shapes outlined in the blinding torrent.

It is impossible to write without using was, were, and other passive verbs, but the less you make use of them, the better your writing will get. I still use too many of them, but I sometimes do searches for ’was’ and ’were’ to try and weed them out of my story. It invariably helps.

You do have a great sense of plot and intrigue, which I think is the most important ingredient to a good story. You have a compelling tale started. I shall try to find time to come back and read more.

:-) Hillary Kent replies: "This story was one of my very early ones, so I do have some wording issues. I’ll get around to updating it eventually I suppose...
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment! I’ll definitely make sure to reference all this great info in my next edit."
4 Jan 2010:-) Fiona Blyth
I really enjoyed this, thanks. The above feedback has said it all, so I will not attempt to critique but suffice to say your story drew me in, and I would like to read your latter chapters. Is this still a short story? 12
I have just started writing and have no training (except copious reading!). I would appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks

:-) Hillary Kent replies: "Hello there Fiona! Thanks for taking the time to read this story and to comment.
To answer your question, yes, this is still considered a short story...well, technically. If I remember correctly, short stories are generally 1000 to 7500 words in length. Of course, some of us like to try out stuff that is a little longer than that, which is why I have several chapters up here. So Forsaken all together is not technically a short story, but since its broken up I can get away with it. 12
Hope that helps! "
4 Jan 2010:-) Carrie E Ott
Great story! I’m interested in what happens next, why elves are cast in a bad light in your story, and why Seril was able to ’foresee’ the king’s death, etc...
As far as usage, as you’ve heard many times, the other commenters have mentioned your problems. Adverbs (show, don’t tell), but that’s sometimes a hard one for me too. It’s also hard to remember not to use words like ’walk’ when you can use ’meander’, ’canter’, ’bumble’, or ’shuffle’. Still, your writing was good. I never got the sense that I didn’t know where I was (location-wise and plot-wise). The only other thing I might add is that your writing tends to maybe be a little bit florid. You painted a lovely picture, but I almost want to say that you described it a little too much. Not that that’s always a bad thing - but for the scene where she first discovers the elf (and other scenes with a quicker pace), we want less detail. Simply because when we’re rushing someplace or we’re worried or scared or confused, we tend not to notice smaller details. Just a thought. Still, you did a lovely job. Keep up the good work!
Heh, and as you can see, I leave long comments....I’m a rather long-winded person 12

:-) Hillary Kent replies: "I happen to love the lengthy comments myself, so thanks for dropping one my way! I see what you mean about those excessive details in some of the scenes. I hadn’t really noticed that before, but now that you mention it I think I will take a shot at clarifying it a bit.
Thanks again for stopping by! "
Not signed in, Add an anonymous comment to this guestbook...    

Your Name:
Your Mail:
   Private message? (Info)



'Forsaken: Part 1 Turmoil':
 • Created by: :-) Hillary Kent
 • Copyright: ©Hillary Kent. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Assasin, Elf, Elves, Murder, Mystery
 • Categories: Elf / Elves, Fights, Duels, Battles, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins
 • Views: 766

Bookmark and Share



More by 'Hillary Kent':
Forsaken: Part 2 Dangerous Company
Dave the Dragon
Forsaken: Part 3 Anger's Tide
When the Green Moon Shines
I Spy

Related Tutorials:
  • 'Building Stronger Story Themes' by :-)Timothy Pontious
  • 'Character Creation Form' by :-)Crissy Moss
  • Art Education Finder...
  •  
     

    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories. The site was founded by Thomas Abrahamsson and is maintained by helpful assistants and moderators, owned by the Elfwood AB corporation.

    [More...]