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Holly Knobloch

"Wall of Astrid-Chapter 6 & 7" by Holly Knobloch

SF&F Picture 2 out of 5 by Holly Knobloch
 
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here's chapter 6 and seven enjoy! there are prob lots of mistakes so sorry!
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Chapter 6

 

 “Is she dead?” A voice asked in the distance Nia tried to place a face with it but she never heard such a melodious voice before. 

“No sister, she is just unconscious,” a male voice replied.

Nia slowly opened her eyes and gazed at two figures hovering over her she was greeted with the smiles of two children around her age smiling down at her. Each had beautiful blue eyes, glossy blond hair, and two pointy ears. 

            “Look Condor, she’s awake.” The girl squealed with delight. Nia cringed as her high shrilling voice echoed through Nia’s pounding head.

            Nia stared blankly at them and the male laughed musically, “Are you okay?” He asked with a hint of laughter still in his voice. She rubbed the back of her head and grumbled as she recollected what happened the day before.

            “Who are you?” Nia groaned.

            “Oh please excuse us, I’m Condor, and this is Aphelia,” the male explained. He had the most beautiful voice Nia had ever heard it sounded almost like a song as he said each word gently as if he were talking to a baby, “We’re,” he continued, “Elves.”

            Nia gasped and sat up, a wave of dizziness overcame her pain rushed up through her back and then down again. “Whoa there!” Aphelia said pushing her gently back down. “Don’t want to get up to quick.” 

            “And who, might I ask are you?” Condor asked with a devilish smirk on his face. 

            “Nia,” she replied not seeing his amusement, “Where am I?” 

            “You are in Birchwood forest.” Aphelia said with a smile. 

            Nia tried to smile but suddenly everything around her grew fuzzy and once again blackness overcame her and she went back into the world of unconsciousness. 

**********

            Nia could smell the aroma of home cooking all around her. She licked her chapped lips and opened her eyes. She was staring at the ceiling of a small cottage. She heard voices around her and looked around the room to see who could be making them. 

            By the fire was an elderly woman with long blonde hair and big hips. Nia coughed a little in an attempt to get her attention. The woman turned to face her and Nia gazed into a pair of beautiful green eyes. “Well look who’s joined us.” She said with a smile. The women looked like someone, someone from a dream. She just couldn’t place her finger on whom.

            Nia began to sit up but was stopped but two gentle hands and a voice that said, “Not yet,” she looked in the other direction and there was the boy she had seen earlier. Now she knew whom the women looked like. 

            “Where am I?” Nia asked nervously. 

            “This is my home,” said the boy. 

            “Sorry but who are you again?” 

            The boy smiled and answered, “I’m Condor, my sister and I found you unconscious in the forest.” He explained. 

            Nia remembered him and his sister faintly from earlier. 

            “And that is my mother, Ellis.” He said pointing to the older women. “We’re elves,” he added with a sly grin. 

            Nia stared up at him and smiled. “How long have I been unconscious?” 

            “Nearly three days.” He told her. Nia gasped surely she hadn’t slept that long. 

            “And Condor here hasn’t left your side for a minute.” Ellis told her with a wink. Nia blushed and turned her eyes away. From the corner of her eye she could see Condor give is mom a look that said a lot.  

            “Are you hungry, we’re just about to have dinner.” Ellis asked. She had the same tune about her voice as Condor and Aphelia. 

            Nia smiled and answered, “I’m famished.”

            “Oh my goodness your awake!” A female voice said from the doorway. 

            Nia turned her head seeing Aphelia standing there with a large grin on her face. Nia smiled and nodded. 

            “How are you feeling?” She queried. 

            “Alright,” Nia answered honestly, “My head hurts a little but I think I’ll be fine.” 

            Aphelia nodded and asked, “What happened?” 

            “Aphelia! Don’t pester the guest!” Ellis said from across the room. 

            Aphelia gave an embarrassed look and apologized.

            Nia just giggled despite how she felt, “It’s okay, I don’t mind. You see it all started when,” Nia retold her adventure trying not to miss a single detail. Something told her she had to be honest around these creatures. The whole time Aphelia, Condor, and Ellis listened wide-eyed and every so often interrupting to ask a question. 

            “Can I see your ring?” Aphelia asked when Nia was done.

            “Aphelia!” Her mother scolded again. 

            “It’s all right,” Nia said showing her. “I’d take it off to show you but the stupid thing won’t come off.” She made an attempted of yanking it off but it was no use the ring hung snuggly on her finger. 

            Aphelia giggled and examined it. “Try and do something magical!” Aphelia urged. 

            This time Condor and their mother scolded her. Nia just giggled and asked, “What would you like me to do?” 

            Ellis piped in and answered for the girl, “Can you cook this chicken?” 

            “I don’t know, I’ll try.” she gazed at the chicken and thought about what she wanted to do. She released her magic and a bolt of blue light shot from her hand and the chicken sizzled with warmth and changed from a white pale color to a deep brown. 

            The three elves stared at her with amazement. Nia blushed and shifted her wait feeling embarrassed. “That was amazing!” Aphelia said breaking the silence. 

            “Thank you,” Ellis said as if she was in a trance.     

            Nia smiled and pulled herself up slowly so she would be sitting. She felt two gentle hands help her and she turned her head and gave a thankful glance to Condor. 

            “Mother!” Aphelia said impatiently, “Will you heal her now!”

            Ellis smiled and nodded, “Lay back down child and I will heal you,” Nia gave a questioning glance and Condor nodded assuring.

            Nia felt Ellis’ cold hands on the back of her neck and a chill went up and down her spine, “Close your eyes,” Ellis’ gentle voice instructed her. Nia closed her eyes and almost instantly felt Ellis inside of her. 

            She fell asleep as Ellis worked and didn’t notice when she was done or when everyone left. She dreamed of elves dancing around her singing the same song that haunted her for the last few days. She listened to their clear voices trying to understand the words but when she listened it just came to her as a soft hum. 

            “Nia,” a voice called to her from a distance. She followed the voice and found herself lying in bed with Aphelia leaning over her. 

            “How are you feeling?” the girl asked the second Nia’s eyes opened. 

            Nia turned her head expecting pain to rush through but there was nothing but a dull ache, Ellis had done a good job. “A lot better,” Nia answered rubbing her eyes. 

            “Come on get up!” Aphelia urged, “You can help me with my morning chores. It’ll be fun!” 

            Nia slowly stood and waited for the dizziness to pass. Aphelia grabbed her arm helping to steady her. “Come on!” 

            Nia followed Aphelia outside and into a large barn full of animals. “Your horse is over there,” Aphelia said pointing to the third stall. 

            Nia had almost forgotten about her horse with all that happened. She wandered over to it and rubbed its nose affectionately. It whinnied happily and nuzzled her. 

            “Wow, that horse must really like you,” Aphelia said watching the whole thing, “We could hardly get near her without her snapping at us or bucking,” she explained when Nia gave a questioning glance. 

            “She was my Grandfather’s,” Nia said petting the mare’s neck. 

            Aphelia looked off into nothing and smiled pointing at a large bucket, “There’s food in there for her and you can get water out by the stream.” Nia nodded and set off to work. 

            She giggled as the horse gobbled every single tiny piece of grain. She led her over to the stream behind barn. She sat down playing with the water as the horse drank. She ran her hand through it and looked down at her reflection. She had a yellow bruise under her eye but other than that she was perfect. She thought of her mother, or should she say Amaya, who had taken care of her for all those years. She felt daft seeing now that there was no resemblance. While Amaya was light and petite Nia was dark and muscular.  

            She was always happy to have her good looks. It made the other girls chanting evil things about her less hard knowing they were just jealous. Not that she was bitter about it, she knew she was beautiful but didn’t really care. Beauty couldn’t bring happiness.   

            “Nia!” Aphelia called, “It’s time to wash up for breakfast.” 

            Nia grabbed the horse’s rains and lead it back into the stable. She wrapped her arms around its neck and gave it a piece of sassafras she had collected from outside. The horse gnawed at it and Nia left the stables giggling. 

            It was a cool spring day and Nia almost regretted having to go inside. But her stomach rumbled and she knew she would have to eat soon. Aphelia greeted her at he door and led her to the kitchen where there was a small wooden table with five chairs. 

            “Here sit next to me!” Aphelia urged. Nia took her place next to Aphelia and waited patently for everyone to come in and get seated. 

            Aphelia bombarded her with endless questions. “How old are you?” she asked.

            “Sixteen summers.” Nia told her. 

            Aphelia giggled and explained, “That is how old I would be if I were human, but I’m not. So I’m 129.” Nia stared at her in awe. She didn’t look that old at all. 

            Condor, who walked in during the conversation, explained, “Elves are immortals so we never die, unless of course we give up our immortality. So in elf years 129 would be around sixteen or twenty human years.” Nia nodded pretending to understand although she didn’t have the slightest clue what they met. 

            Just then a large man with the same matching blue eyes and blonde hair as Condor and Aphelia entered the room carrying several large boxes. 

            “Father!” Aphelia said running up to greet the man. 

            Nia hadn’t even thought of them having a father. She grew up without having one so she didn’t realize they would have one. She felt envious of Aphelia and Condor as they affectionately greeted the man. Their laughter filled the air and Nia smiled dully in her chair. They were so happy Nia could only feel remorse from the comfort that filled the room.  

            “Father, this is Nia.” Condor introduced them.

            “Hello, I’m Abram,” He said holding out his large hand. Nia grasped it and shook it firmly. 

            Nia smiled in awe and nodded her head. “Come on,” he said, “Lets eat.” 

            Ellis came in holding plates and food. Nia enjoyed the meal with eggs, ham, and freshly baked bread. She could tell Ellis must be an excellent cook. Nia had never been so grateful for a full belly and company. As they ate they swapped tails and laughed together. Nia couldn’t help but wish she were more then a guest. They all seemed so happy together and Nia was just an intruder barging into their perfect lives. 

            When everyone was finished Abram pushed back his chair changed the subject, from a calf he found wandering in the forest, and asked Nia, “Will you tell me how you got here and what happened?” 

            Nia sighed and retold her story, she knew she would be retelling it again and again many times. She told him about her mother, the book, her grandfather, the ring, and everything else that plagued her the last few weeks. When she was done Abram sat there quietly deep in thought. 

            “We must take you to our king.” He told her. Nia nodded and smiled.

            “When,” she asked a little confused on why she would have to see their king. 

            “Today,” He declared. 

            “Aphelia and Condor will guide you.” He said he got up from his seat and walked out toward the door. Just before he exited he stopped in the doorway and turned his head, “Good luck, young Nia,” With that, said he walked out of the door.

 

Chapter 7

 

            Nia, Condor, and Aphelia rode through the woods. They had been traveling for a few hours hardly saying a word. Nia grumbled in her saddle shifting her weight. They traveled non-stop with the exception of a lunch break. Nia’s back ached from sitting in the saddle to long. She wanted nothing more than to lie down on the soft grass and fall into a deep sleep. Condor was in front of her and Aphelia strayed behind. Nia could see her horse wanted to run like they did a few days before. She herself wished they could hurry along. But they were going at a steady pace and Nia grew more impatient with each step.

            “How long does it take to get there?” she asked Condor eagerly. 

            There was a pause as he thought and answered, “A few hours or so,” Nia sighed and looked around at the scenery. Trees, flowers, and other plants decorated the ground. Very few had leaves yet spring was just awakening them. Nia wondered what it would like to be a tree, sleeping all winter standing tall and proud. She knew she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t be bided down she had to run free she decided she was just wild. 

            Condor slowed his horse down so the two of them were side by side. She smiled gratefully and he asked, “Would you like to stop and rest?” she wanted to more then anything but knew they were in a hurry so instead she shook her head no. 

            “It’s so beautiful out here,” she said gazing around them trying to start a conversation. 

            “Yes, it is,” he said eyes on her only. She blushed and thought of something else to talk about.

            “Did your father not like me?” Nia asked trying not to sound rude. She had wondered why he had run off so fast earlier that day. When they left for the kingdom he hadn’t even said good-bye. 

            Condor gave a half laugh half sigh and explained, “My father doesn’t trust mages to well. You see when he was young he fell in love with one. But come to find out she only wanted his immortality so she came after him almost killing him but he found a sword and well I’m sure you can guess the rest.”

            “That’s terrible!” Nia cried. 

            “Yeah, but then he found my mother and fell even more in love with her.” He gave a little lop-sided grin and Nia noticed how handsome he was. 

            “Well he doesn’t have to worry about me,” Nia said staring off into space, “I don’t even know how to use my powers yet.”

            Condor gave a sly grin and said, “Well why don’t we practice.”

            Nia looked at him questionably and he explained, “I’ll help you.”

            “Well what do you want me to do?” she asked.

            He shook his head and scolded, “It’s not what I want you to do, you have to want something.”

            Nia thought for a moment and grinned, “I want to race you!” she said jokingly. He laughed and sat upright.

            “Anything you want you get, but you’ll be sorry!” He said chuckling, 

            “I’ll be sorry?” she questioned, “Go!” she shouted without warning.

            They both took of going as fast as they could. Nia’s horse leapt forward leaving Condors horse far behind. She felt the wind through her hair and wanted to go the rest of the way like this. Once Condor was nothing but a speck she stopped and waited. She could tell the mare wasn’t ready to stop and wanted to run some more but Nia kept a firm grip on the reins. 

            “I’ve never seen anyone ride so fast before,” Condor said in shock as he caught up to her. She looked away embarrassed. “Where did you learn to ride like that?”

            Nia blushed and told him, “My grandfather taught me before he,” she let her sentence trail off and looked away deep in thought. She had forgotten about her mother and Raghnall over the last few days. Realization punched her hard in the stomach and her eyes stung with hot tears. The familiar feeling of pain and sorrow overcame her and she looked away.  

            “I’m sorry I made you sad,” he said seeing the sorrow in her eyes. 

            “It’s okay its not your fault,” she said wiping tears out of her eyes. 

            “Sometimes memories just seem to sneak up on you like that,” he said reassuringly. 

            “Yeah,” she said pushing aside her painful thoughts. 

            “There you guys are,” Aphelia said from behind them. “One minute your right in front of me and the next your long gone.” She scolded. Looking at Nia she quickly changed her tone and asked, “What’s the matter?” 

            “Nothing, its nothing.” Nia convinced her.

            “If your sure.” Aphelia said not wanting to pry. Nia was grateful she didn’t persist the question.

            “Well, we better get going if we want to make it there by night.” Condor hurried them. 

            They continued in silence for the rest of the journey.

**********

            “This is it!” Aphelia squealed from behind them. It was late and the sky was dark. Nia could just see the large castle from where they stood.

            “Come on!” Condor said racing his horse ahead. Nia and Aphelia followed his gesture and they galloped up to the castle.

            Butterflies played in Nia’s stomach as they grew closer and closer to the castle. She hoped with all her might the elf king wasn’t like Abram. Earlier she anticipated getting there, now she dreaded it. She thought about turning back and outrunning Aphelia and Condor but she decided against it, not after they had been so nice to her. She took a deep breath and let it all out. This is it, she thought as they handed their horse’s over to the royal stable boy. 

            Nia tried to focus her mind on something else besides what they were about to do. She looked over at Condor who smiled and nodded reassuringly. They walked up endless stone steps leading up to the castle. She preoccupied herself by counting them.  

            “State your business,” A deep voice said interrupting Nia’s thoughts. She looked up at a tall elf with dark hair. His expression was blank and Nia could see nothing in his eyes. His had muscles bigger then any man she had ever seen. He noticed her admiring him and a faint smile just curved the edges of his lips. Nia blushed a deep crimson color and glanced away. 

            “My name is Condor, this is my sister Aphelia, and this is Nia. We are here to see the king about Nia, she is a mage.” Condor explained trying to sound important. Nia tried as hard as she could not to burst out laughing. She looked over at Aphelia who obviously had the same problem.

            “The girl, Nia,” The guard said pointing to her, “Can go, but you must stay.” 

            Condor nodded and looked apologetically at Nia. Disappointment overcame her as she looked pleadingly at the guard. He ignored her and she argued, “But I don’t know where to go,”

            The guard rolled his eyes and glared at her. A chill went up and down Nia’s spine. She never could keep her mouth shut about things like this, “I will take you.” 

            Nia glanced over at Condor and Aphelia anger and frustration lined their face. “We’ll be at the Ridgewood inn, meet us there when you’re done.” Condor instructed turning on his heel and walking away.

            Aphelia smiled encouraging and turned around and followed the Condor. Nia sighed and followed the guard. He nodded for her to follow and she strayed behind him. 

            The castle was enchanting on the inside with high stonewalls carved with writings that were unfamiliar to Nia. Gargoyles and statues stood frozen one each side of her. 

            Unshed tears threatened her eyes as she thought of her mother, like these statues, unable to move and alone in a dark world. 

            Seeing her discomfort the guard softened and said in a more sympathetic tone than earlier, “I would have let your friends come but its against regulations, the king is old and weak we try to limit his visitors in case they turn against him.”

            Nia nodded and looked at the walls, “I understand.” 

            He followed her gaze and explained, “That writing is the ancient writings of our ancestors. It tells of the past, present and future.”

            “Future?” Nia asked with sudden interest.

            “More like prophecies.” He explained. 

            Nia nodded and feeling a little more comfortable asked, “Anything that’s going to happen soon?”

            He laughed under his breath and clarified, “We don’t know when they’ll happen or names of people anything that is not clear to us. We just know events that will take place.” He thought for a moment and added, “Some of the wise men believe some of them will happen soon.” 

            He continued on about other prophecies that they believe will come true soon but Nia tuned him out. She was to deep in thought to hear about them at that moment.    

“Nia?” The guard called.

            She looked up at him questionably and he continued, “We’re here.” He pushed open a large wooden door that was carved with beautiful exotic animals and plants. She followed him into a great room with large pillars, high ceilings, and a throne at the end of a long red and golden carpet. Nia gasped at the sight of it. The guard winked at her and led her down the long red rug to where the king sat in his throne. 

            Nia followed the guard’s example as he bowed down on one knee. “Get off your knee Ezekiel! And what are you doing pretending to be a guard again.” The king scolded. 

            “Father!” Ezekiel exclaimed turning a red color in the cheeks. 

            “You’re the prince?” Nia said only half believing.

            “Yep,” he replied not meeting her gaze, “I got bored so I went out to pretend I was on duty.” He went on.

            “Then telling my friends they had to leave, was that true?” Nia said accusingly.

            “N-no,” he said turning even redder. “I just, uh, wanted to be alone with you.” He said starring down at the ground.     

            Nia giggled despite her aggravation and lightened up, “How charming.” 

            The prince looked up at her and smiled. “Ezekiel, you are dismissed.” The king said sternly, although Nia could see laughter in his eyes. Ezekiel bowed to Nia and rushed out of the room.

            “And you are?” The King asked Nia in a gentle sweet voice. 

            Nia smiled and introduced herself, “My name is Nia,” She told him. 

            The king nodded as if he already knew and leaned back in his chair. He was nothing like Nia would have guessed. He was lean and tall with big sea green eyes, long gray hair, and his face showed lines of old age. “I have been expecting you,” he said matter-of-factly.

            Nia looked up at him with surprise in her eyes. He chuckled to himself and said, “The minute you entered this forest and killed those creatures I knew you were in the forest I could feel your power even from here. You my dear,” he said stroking his chin, “are more powerful then any mage I have ever met.” 

            She reddened at his praise ad he went on, “Tell me of your journey Nia, and don’t miss a second.” 

            She looked him right in the eyes as she told of her adventure. On the way to the castle she had played over what she would say in her mind so many times that she could say it in her sleep. He nodded his head a few times and stroked his chin. “I see,” he mumbled now and then but not once interrupting her. She could feel his warm gaze on her and twitched uncomfortably keeping eye contact trying to read his thoughts. 

            When she was done he leaned back in his chair and stroked his ching. He sat silently deep in thought for a minute. When he talked his voice was so low Nia strained to hear, “In the walls of the castle there are many carved stories of legends, myths, and things to come. One story is about two mages who are said to be the two most powerful creatures alive. One creature shall fight on the side of good, while the other will be corrupted with evil. It is said the evil creature will ruin the world, and the mage is the only one that can stop it.” A chill ran down Nia’s spine, “I believe,” the king said standing from his throne and walking down to where Nia stood placing a hand on her shoulder, “that this mage is you.” 

           

 

←- The wall of Astrid--Chapter 4 & 5 | Wall of Astrid--chapters 2 & 3 -→

DateNameComment 
30 Nov 2003:-) Nancy Kelaria Chamberlain
YAY!!!! first comment!!! *does crazy hyper first comment dance, almost falls, blushes and dances more gracefully* hehe... Wow!!! This is exciting! I love the part about the prince pretending to be a guard... ^_~ hehehe... that was funny! ^_^ Keep up the awesome work! *continues to dance gracefully*

1 Holly Knobloch replies: "*joins in first comment dance tries to dance gracefully like nancy but fails* Aww thanks! i have no idea why i did the prince thingy i was really hyper that night and thought it'd be funny! ne~ways thanks for commenting!! *Dances more then trips over feet and falls flat on face* ouchies!!!"
21 Dec 2003:-) Maeve B. McGrory
Ack! I can't stop! Just one problem! Just one....

'When she was done he leaned back in his chair and stroked his ching.'<--------Whats a ching??????? Do elves have chings??? I want a ching!!!!! Where can I get a ching???......((Did you at one point in time mean chin?))

I'm sorry.... It just well... jumped at me... If I'm seeming like extremely totally rude please swat me... a few times.... I'm not trying to be rude but yeah... Either way the chapters were still good...

18 Holly Knobloch replies: "hahahahahahahahaha! *laughs uncontrollably* hehe..yes i did mean chin...but now that you mention it...I WANT A CHING TOO! hehe! don't worry you didn't seem rude, i actually started cracking up laughing...hehe..*takes a deep breath and regains control* thanks for stoppin by i hope you liked it! ta-ta!*giggles*"
30 Dec 200345 Maisha 'Elenwyn' Foster-O'Neal
WOOHOO!! oh it gets so exciting!! i like condor, he's a sweet boi! and Aphelia is funny! *bounces* this is so good i cant believe you're not going to continue it! i want to find out what happens between Condor and Nia! oh, it's kinda funny... i used to live on a street called Edgewood and i used to go to a school called Ridgewood. i just thought that was a funny coincidence, ya know? THIS IS SO GOOD you've got me hooked now, i want to read the rest but... there's no more!!! i think. wait, there might be two more chapters... *looks confused* i don't remember! oh well. ROCK ON, cupcakes and Kudos for you! *dumps cupcakes and kudos*
Peace out,
~*Elenwyn*~

13 Holly Knobloch replies: "haha that is soo funny...the street thing..i might continue it but it will take longer than the others...how do you know anything will happen between condor and Nia *tries to look innocent and fails* hehe!
oo cupcakes and kudos! yummy! whats a kudo?? i got to get out more! *gobbles them up* i sure hope kudos are etible! hehe! bye"
3 Jan 2004:-) Norma Peters
It's nice to see new characters, and what an excellent time to introduce them. Condor seems especially appealing. The dialogue is nicely natural and free of any sort of awkwardness, while the action is progressing well.

1 Holly Knobloch replies: "i love condor! hehe! i wish he was real *sigh* anyways i'm so glad you like it! thanks for stoppin by and readin all my stuff!"
11 Jan 2004:-) Alex Heaney
Wow. After you commented on my story, I had to read your stuff. I sat and read the walls stories in one sitting. I must read more! *twitch twitch*

And a cookie if you finish them! (awkwardness abound)

^_^

1 Holly Knobloch replies: "A COOKIE!!!!! OK!!!!!!"
15 Jan 2004:-) Jkelley2
Again, good continuation

1 Holly Knobloch replies: "Thanks!"
20 Jan 200445 Lisa Eshkenazi
At first I thought I would go through and point out all your grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes but then as I read, I thought that what I would do instead is just give you a piece of advice that helped me become a better writer and that I think will help you.
When you're writing the story, the idea is that you should be showing us what's happening not just telling. But you (just I like used to do and find myself doing still) tell the story rather than show it.
Rather than just saying "The forest was really pretty."
You can talk about the fresh smell of the air, the way the breeze dances in and out among the leaves, the sound the leaves make, the way the sun shines through them and makes little patterns on the forest floor, maybe there are some butterflies sort of fluttering around the place. Perhaps, despite everything she's been through, this place is so peaceful that for just a moment she almost forgets about all the pain of the last few days.
Also, during Nia's traveling, you just sort of breeze through it without much description other than her fighting off some of those creepy gold wing thingies. I think that Nia needs more alone time so we can really see her reaction to everything and hear her thoughts on it. Is she afraid that she won't be able to make it on her own? How does she feel about having all these new powers? I would be terrified that I might use them unwisely or that I might accidentally hurt someone. I also would be reluctant to use them because of that and not so sort of frivolous about it...using my magic to cook chickens and things. It might add some depth to her character if we see not that she's just sad to have lost her family but scared to and scared of this destiny she has--afraid that she won't be strong enough to live up to it.
Things like that will really add to your story and make it seem less like telling and more like showing.
I do think that so far, you've done a great job with what you have and the story seems to be going to an interesting place. You're a very creative girl and should definitely keep writing!!! Thank you soo much...i love it when ppl give me ideas like this..i just read this article on FARP about the exact same thing so i've been working on it already although i can't change these yet because of the merge...which by the way is driving me insane! i understand what you mean by telling how she feels..i have a tendency to rush through the begining cause i'm soo excited to get to certain parts...but i will definitally go over it and try to fix all the things you've mentioned..thank you so much and you have no idea how much this helped me! thanks again!
11 Feb 2004:-)
I love this story! It's Great! I can't wait for you to write more!

The only problem that I found (other than grammar errors and typos) was:
" Aphelia smiled encouraging and turned around and followed the Condor. Nia sighed and followed the guard. He nodded for her to follow and she strayed behind him.
The castle was enchanting on the inside with high stonewalls carved with writings that were unfamiliar to Nia. Gargoyles and statues stood frozen one each side of her."

I would write it something like this:
" Aphelia smiled encouraging and turned around and followed the Condor. Nia watched them go, sighed and stepped through the huge wooden door.
The castle was enchanting on the inside, with high stonewalls engraved with a strange language that was unfamiliar to Nia. Gargoyles of all shapes and sizes were frozen one the walls. Statues of both Humans and Elves lined the walls.
The guard beckoned to Nia to follow him to the Thrown Room, and so she did."

Well, that was fun! I can't wait for you to continue! I'll be back eventually to read more! Until then! 2

12 Holly Knobloch replies: "thanks for the advice i'll try it! lol! and i made another typo..i think...its not supposed to be THE condor..hehe! o well! thanks for the advice!! later! "
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About 'Wall of Astrid-Chapter 6 & 7':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Holly Knobloch
 • Copyright: ©Holly Knobloch. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Elves, King, Forest, Horse, Magic, Mage, Girl, Boy, Prince
 • Categories: Elf / Elves, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Romance, Emotion, Love, Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 114


More by 'Holly Knobloch':
The wall of Astrid--Chapter 4 & 5
Wall of Astrid--Prologue and Chapter 1
Wall of Astrid--chapters 2 & 3
Unknown Past-Prologue & chapter 1

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