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Melissa O´Dowd

"The Kings Record - Coming to Yonbe" by Melissa O´Dowd

SciFi/Fantasy text 9 out of 30 by Melissa O´Dowd.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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This is a part of my novel that Im writing - first time anyone has seen it - it tells of the human's finding their home, and their encounter with the seafolk (similar to mermaids) Please give me feedack as to what you think, this is just the first draft... There will be more to come; promise
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←- Chapter 17, Half truths | Chapter 06 - Deep in the woods -→

The Kings’ Records – Coming to Yonbe

 

My people have existed for many long years, yet only a short span of time have we dwelt upon this shore. For our forefathers knew sea craft and sailed the unknown dark oceans. In my forbears time, life was lived eternally upon our ships (save those who went in search of fresh water) or within the seas cool caress.

Yet, not so long ago, my people grew weary of the rocking waves and we set out in search of our fresh water retreats. After years of searching we finally set foot upon this land, Yonbe – Place of Stillness.

Thus did my forbears name the land for we had not known stillness such as this since before our oldest Greybeards could remember. Yet here we are still, dwelling in this still land.

 

We still sail upon the sea, as we would not lose the skills that we had depended on for so long. Thus it was that we met the Water People. We saw them first on the day of the Great storm. They chased our vessels back into the Bay, and when we tried to sail out again, they beseeched us with song, that made all of us long for home and hearth. Thus did all our folk survive the weather that terrible day, though we did not escape unscathed. Many of the young men folk were lost to these seductive swimmers, and their alluring voices.

Bittersweet is our friendship with them. For they still bring warnings of the harsh sea storms, and thus do us great service. Yet with every warning they bring, we lose more of our young folk. Be they man, woman or child, yet never so many that we would not survive.

 

We wall our city against all other strange folk that may walk or swim, for fear of losing all our kin, and as we are used to living with our own folk. We still live off the oceans provender though we have learned of the land cycles and now we reap a harvest of land and sea.

 

The sea still calls to us, and occasionally a group of young folk will go adventuring like the days of old. Yet we are happy living here in Yonbe, and here we shall stay, till the sea devours all.

 

Leslie King of Yonbe

History of the Kings line

←- Chapter 17, Half truths | Chapter 06 - Deep in the woods -→

DateNameComment 
20 Oct 2005:-) Jamie M. Arenas
Lovely! A quick read, but fascinating. 'Diary'-type things can often come off sounding very corny - congrats, this was far from it! Makes me want to read more about Yonbe ^^ (as one fantasy-name-creator to another, where did you get that from? Did you make it up, or does it come from Elvish or some such?).
One crit only: there is purpose an overuse of the words 'yet' and 'thus'. I notice this because I myself tend to use them waaaaay too much. ^_^
Love your writing, keep it up! =D

18 Melissa O´Dowd replies: "Sqeee!! Some one liked my stuff!! This was kinda written on the fly, I don't much more about Yonbe, I don't even really know what it looks like yet, LOL. You'll laugh at how I came up with the name (I've done it throughout my book) its actaully my friends name backwards - Ebony! When I post more you'll be able to guess at my friends names - they don't know I've done that)As to using those horrid words, I know, any help is greatly apprieceated. THANK YOU SO MUCH"
22 Oct 2005:-) Rachel A Pears
Hi Melissa! I like to welcome new writers to Elfwood. It is annoying to go through the publication process only to be ignored. An interesting start ... glad to hear you are going to keep going with this, even though you are not sure where it will end up. I like the relationship between the humans and the water-folk - the pros and cons are interesting. Another idea for a story would be to explain what happens to the humans who are enticed into the sea - are they eaten? are they assimilated (turned into mer-folk? If you have the time I would appreciate a return comment on my stories - Regards - R

22 Melissa O´Dowd replies: "Hmm, assimilated/turned into mer-folk? Now there's something I hadn't thought of that... I'm finally over my writers block for my main characters, and now all I want to write is about these guys. Oh well, soon I'll have chapter one in a ticket so, excitement!! Thanks for commenting"
11 Nov 2005:-) C. Clayton
I am never certain what sort of comments and or critique people actually want here in EW. So I'll just be brief and positive. I like your work and think you have potential. I'll have to drop by again in the future and check out more of your stuff and see how you are growing and evolving. If you would care for more thoughts on your work, suggestions and/or a critique in more detail. Let me know and I'll e-mail you some. I wish you great and lasting success in all your works, literary and otherwise, C

3 Melissa O´Dowd replies: "Aiya - thank you so much for commenting. I love constructive crits, or any ideas for plots and the like. If you have any suggestions feel free to email me them. ^_^ you like my stuff, and think I "have potential" Thank you SO much for that, its nice to know that there are people out who like my stuff (even in rough form) Thanks once more - Namarie and see you soon"
2 Jan 200745 MikeyHC
Very good, turns out reading LOTR over and over again has some advantages other than an extended vocabulary. Nice Work.

14 Melissa O´Dowd replies: "Well what do you expect when you read like I do. Nice to have you stop by. Please read the rest of my work and let me know what you think"
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'The Kings Record - Coming to Yonbe':
 • Created by: :-) Melissa O´Dowd
 • Copyright: ©Melissa O´Dowd. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Danger, Folk, Ocean, Sea
 • Categories: Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Spaceships, Ships, Bessels, Transportation...
 • Views: 1153

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More by 'Melissa O´Dowd':
Chapter 16, Knife of Obsidian
Chapter 13, Plots Thicken Pt 1
Chapter 10, In the Royal Court, part 1
Chapter 13, Plots Thicken pt 2
Chapter 14, Shadowy explanations pt 1
Chapter 02 - The Tunnel, Part 2

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