"Water&Wings(Chapter Four)" by Katherine Nicole ´dys´ VanHoorn

He was helpless. It was something he'd worked against his entire life, why he had always been so outgoing and made so many friends to back him up, why he had done sports to stay strong so he could always fight back. And he hated being here, sitting in his 'room', wishing he were dead. ALl because he'd made a mistake. He'd dragged Sparrow onto that boat, against the younger boy's will, and the storm. The storm, that tearing darkness and the rain blown horizontal by the wind. Lightning flashing, lighting up the sky like daylight, like the sun and less than a second after it, the thunder, tearing the ship apart as it rolled on and on.

The door opened behind him and he turned, looking up. Asadd smiled down at him, the lips too pale, too wide. He shuddered as a hand was offered him, a long hand, the fingers almost too long. He took it and stood, slowly, turning his head away, to the side. Another shiver as the fingertips brushed along his neck. He both hated the touch and desired it and he was absolutely defenseless against it...

"What's wrong, little beauty? Don't like me?" Jagkie opened his mouth to say, no, I hate you, I wish you were dead, I'd kill you if I had the chance, but all that came out was a gasp of air as the hand suddenly tightened around the collar at his throat. THe pink eyes glowed red for a moment, staring straight into his and he had no choice but to look back. Drowsy, sleepy. He swayed side to side a little, eyes half-closed. He felt drugged. And when the fingers brushed his lips he found himself leaning into it. Oh, Sparrow, he thought. Even his thoughts were blurry and slow. Don't hate me....

"Please..." He whispered. He didn't know what he was begging for. Freedom? Sparrow? Or Asadd himself... "Please," he said again, though his lips were dry, and they hurt rubbing together. The touch left him and his mind cleared a little bit, but he still wasn't fast enough when the hand came down.

It knocked him back, to the floor of this closet he was living in. His head slammed back into the wall and he groaned at the flash of pain that blinded him for a minute. By the time he tried to stand again it slammed into him again and he fell once more, onto his back, head hitting the floor and he thought maybe there might be blood in his hair, something warm and he hurt... another hit, with a fist this time, into his stomach and he whimpered. He was alone, and helpless, the one thing he had never thought he would be. "Sparrow," he murmered and that got him a hit in the face. Asadd didn't seem to care this time. Last time he hadn't hit here but only on the legs where the pants covered, and a hand-shaped mark on his hip. Now, now Jagkie thought maybe Asadd would kill him, because he had called for Sparrow. Now, now he felt Asadd beside him, on top of him, stroking his face with suddenly tender fingers. That was perfect... First hurting, then healing fingers. "You can't, little greenbird," Asadd whispered and Jagkie struggled to see his face as the room wavere din and out of focus. "You can't call for him. He won't love you anymore. He has the Airfish. And, and... no one must love you but me. You're mine, little greenbird. And you will never leave." Sparrow, Jagkie thought, blurrily, as things began to rush towards black. He felt like he was suffocating, lying in a pool of sink-sand maybe. Sparrow, Sparrow.. he followed us. He was on the boat... Sparrow...

Before he finished the thought, Asadd, his 'room' and everything else went black.

He was lying somewhere and he didn't know where. He was simply there. All around him was very dark but there were leaves brushing his face. Or maybe hands. He looked up and saw SParrow, as a very young boy, sitting and looking down at him. Well, not really looking. A strip of black leather was tied over SParrow's eyes, so that he coudln't see, but he sort of LOOKED like he was looking at him. "Sparrow?" Sparrow nodded and smiled slowly. "Jagkie, you're lost. You have to find your way back." Jagkie looked around. How could he be lost? He'd never been here before. Sparrow laughed again, in a way Sparrow never had, and then he CHANGED. His body melted in and out and changed into that of a very beautiful boy. Or maybe it was a girl. The boy/girl was adrogynous, with long white hair and very blue, gentle eyes. She/he smiled. "you're his, Jagkie. You don't have to be but he has you. You led him to you and now you have to lose him, He's coming..." Then she/he was gone and Jagkie was alone. A rustling. A.. a tiger! He jumped to his feet as it padded out into the dark leafy clearing and he watched it. It was a white tiger. Even the stripes weren't really black but this funny pastel gray color. And it's eyes... it's eyes were pink. It purred softly as it padded to him and Jagkie screamed. Looking down at himself, he saw he wasn't his own age, he was younger. he screamed, and screamed again, but the tiger kept coming. It pounced and knocked him onto his back and licked off his tears with a rough tongue and whispered that he could belong to no one else. No one else must see him. "You are my muse," the tiger murmered and Jagkie cried. He didn't want to be a muse. he wanted to be at home, eating nuts right out of the package waiting for someone to call to go play soccer. He wanted to-

He woke up sweating and he saw blood on the floor. He must have given himself a concussion. He was lucky to have woken up at all. There were tear-tracks on his face, dry and uncomfortable. He lay ther ein the darkness, on the hard floor. Then he crawled to the old mattress that was his bed, laying on it silently. Pulling the raggedy blanket up to his chin, his head on the mashed pillow that leaked feathers. The feathers made him think of his wings. He twirled one now. His eyes were dry and they hurt a little.

He felt him there, standing in the doorway. Jagkie got up without saying a word and stood, wobbling a bit, looking at Asadd. The man looked sad, but triumphant. As if he had paid a bitter price to win his war. But the end always justified the means.. right? "Let your wings out," Asadd said softly. "Let me see them."

Jagkie shook his head, backing into the wall. He.. It hurt, he didn't want to... Asadd walked up to him, pulling him against the tall, broad, pale body that was so much stronger than his. Even as hard as he had always worked to stay powerful. He was crushed, helpless. "Let me have them," Asadd whispered and Jagkie lwoered his head, breathing in the smell of the man against his will. he smelled like cold stones, the old stone buildings that had always frightened Jagkie, though he'd never told anyone that. He coudln't. He had an image to uphold. And eventually, if youw ear it long enough, the mask becomes your face. He closed his eyes, shaking his head again. Feeling hands tighten about his throat, he gasped and looked up.

The hands hurt, and he coudln't breathe. He coudln't. He could feel the bruises starting in his skin, finger-shapes showing themselves right below the place where his pulse beat. Dragged to the center of the room. I'm sorry, he thought, but he didn't know who he was apologizing to. He let his wings go, WILLED them to come out.. Felt his skin rip and he flash of blinding pain tore a cry from him, the sort of helpless wail of the newborn baby.

They came from his bakc, majestic and long and lovely, wings, tearing out and unfolding themselves, making the tiny room seem much much smaller. Theyw ere soft, greenish-purple-gray. His back ached and Jagkie fought more tears. He would not let himself cry anymore.Asadd ran his hands up and down them and Jagkie fought the feeling of it. He'd always hated anyone touching his wings, part of the reason he rarely let them out. People always wanted to touch them. He felt his head tilted up and he kept his eyes closed. The mouth on his didn't hurt so much as one might expect. Jagkie ahd been through a lot of pain today and felt mostly numb now. His mouth was forced open by the other and he allowed it, completely numb. Fine. He would do what Asadd wanted. he didn't have a choice.

"My muse," Asadd whispered, as his hands trailed Jagkie's feathers. He watched the young one's face flicker with revulsion and smiled. Then he leaned over and kissed the neck, right above the collar, where the boy's pulse beat. Jagkie's eyes flew open, surprised and he blinked up at Asadd. "Tonight, little one," Asadd whispered, "we will dance." Jagkie looked into the sudden red-glowing eyes and nodded slowly. He was dizzy, sleepy. And he wanted to dance.

Jagkie was with him all night, eyes closed most of the time because he coudln't stand to face what he was becoming. As Asadd held him and murmered things, as the pain rolled over him in waves, as he was caught between utter hatred and all-consuming desire, as he alternately pushed Asadd away and clung to him even through the hurt deep inside that made him hiss through his teeth. Finally he slept, only for an hour or so. Asadd slept until afternoon and Jagkie laid beside him in the huge silk-hung poster-canopy thing Asadd slept in, looking for a knife. Something sharp enough to slit one's wrists. He was amazingly calm about it, knwoing the would at least escape... even if it wasn't in the best way. It never occurred to him, not once, to simply use the knife to stab Asadd and kill him...

It didn't matter anyway. There was nothing he could use in the room. And when Asadd woke up, he touched Jagkie's face and Jagkie, with a bit of resolve he'd grown while he lay there, bit him. Asadd yelled and Jagkie felt a moment's happiness at the look of shock on his face. Another smack to the head and the happiness evaporated. Jagkie looked awya and sat up when he was told. His wings were smashed, anf hurt like hell, but he didn't say anything. He tohught if he did Asadd might twist them until they broke just to see him cry again. He seemed to enjoy that. "My muse," Asadd whispered, and Jagkie fought the urge to snarl. "I'm going to paint you..." Jagkie nodded and got out the bed and moved where he was told.E verything ached, but he was sick of getting hit and he sat as still as possible while Asadd got out his paints and painted him.

Then Asadd showed him the newly finished painting, and Jagkie didn't recognize himself. The person in the painting was sad, and hopeless and there was disaster in there. He had been painted, jsut his face, staring out of a grove of darkness and leafy shadows that weren't quite as dark as the rest. Jagkie kept looking for the tiger and finally he saw it. its face, not actuially painted but rather suggested by positioning of leaves. he saw the eyes, the nose, the teeth in the slightly open mouth. Once again, the boy.. nothing like him. His hair wa smatted and dirty. He had a deep black smudge under his eye and hand-shaped bruises on his neck, showing above his collar. He looked like there was no way for him to escape.

When Asadd asked him what he thought of it he didn't reply. He asked for a bath instead. And Asadd allowed him half an hour to bathe, dry, and redress himself. He did so slowly, in a daze. He even went to market with Asadd. He'd been given a shirt to wear to cover the bruises, with holes in the back that buttoned so his wings weren't held in too tightly. He stumbled sometimes and Asadd held his elbow, fingers curled around it. The light touch sent electricity through him, a shock of desire he didn't want and hated. At one time, he saw Sparrow, standing with that little boy that had been following him yesterday. Asadd stopped to look at a necklace and Jagkie wathed Sparrow move, the graceful way he was holding himself, showing the boy a pretty pearl necklace. The boy shook his head and said something. Sparrow gave him a confused look, then nodded and set it back. Jagkie strained to hear them, but only caught a word every once in a while. Too many other people stood out here talking.

".....think?.....wings.....seaweed....fish.....Animamor's perfectly.... wings.." He sighed and turned away. He was sure he'd lost Sparrow by now. Maybe he had. Asadd left him for a moment, following the salesperson around back of their stall into a building to see what else he had. He left Jagkie, knwoing he wouldn't run because the unwanted, hated, horrible desire kept him bound to him. An invisible rope that was tied. A leash. He looked at the ground, wishing he could fall into it. No such luck. He simply stood there, rather hot and sweating already and knwoing tonight would be a repeat of last night. A hand on his shoulder, the gentle fingers, a touch he KNEW and he swirled around. There stood Sparrow eyes wide, at the black eye probably. Jagkie frowned and looked away. The boy SParrow was with smiled brightly at him, as if to say everything was okay. he wanted to tell that kid to shove off. "Sparrow," he said, amazed at how hoarse his voice was. Maybe from being choked. "Sparrow, you.."

"I'm going to help you." Sparrow himself sounded somewhat wavery, perhaps close to tears. "We'll get you out of this, Jagkie. We will. Tenku and I." He looked down at the boy, Tenku, as if for confirmation and Tenku nodded quite earnestly. Jagkie smiled. His brightest smile, just under one what would hurt. "I know you will, Sparrow. YOu can do anything you want to. If you want it bad enough."

Sparrow nodded, tilting his head. "What does he do to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it. He heard Asadd mvoing to come back out and shooed Sparrow and Tenku away. Asadd came back out and slid his arm around Jagkie's shoulder. "For you." The necklace was a silver chain. It was long and Asadd slid it over Jagkie's head without having to unclasp the clasp. On the end was a greenish-blue dragon with bird wings, which were also greenish blue, and red ruby eyes that glittered. Around its neck hung a copper celtic knot work ring that almost looked like a collar. "You're my captive bird-dragon, my muse-dragon with wings and so this is for you." The dragon-pendant was heavy and hung almost halfway down his chest. Jagkie smiled faintly.

When Asadd ran his fingers up Jagkie's arms he shivered. And he knew Sparrow was watching.

The only thing he wished right now was that SParrow wouldn't watch. Because he didn't want Sparrow to know he was helpless.

Even if he was.



END OF CHAPTER FOUR