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Jacqueline ´Jac´ Tanner

"Dragon Peak" by Jacqueline ´Jac´ Tanner

SciFi/Fantasy text 3 out of 11 by Jacqueline ´Jac´ Tanner.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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This was the first ever fantasy short story i wrote. I am quite proud of it as it is a mixture of inspirations. First off i was majorly inspired by this picture here. If you read it you can tell i was inspired by this picture.
The other inspiration for this story was the great way Kate Forsyth writes about Dragons in her witches series. The way they deal with them is very respectful and fearful all in one, and thats the view point i decided also to go with. Edit 5/12 I have edited it so its easier to read!
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←- Drag | Just a Fool -→

She had climbed until she had reached the peak of the highest mountain in all the land. She had brought with her in a pack a long flowing black dress, rations and an offering to the dragon. The dragons would only take council with humans if there were a good offering. Usually they liked something that held value to the human but also some kind of jewel, gold or diamond. She had brought the only thing of worth that she owned. The only thing she valued, treasured and kept secret from everyone else. The necklace was made of gold with silver twined around through the gold chain. In the middle of the chain there were three diamonds in a cluster. The middle one was the largest and the most beautiful diamond of the three. It sparkled in the dark as well as in the light, something Ranya had not seen before. When staring at it, you could get lost in the depths of the diamond almost like you could see the future and the past. It was a powerful and beautiful item. That is why she knew the dragon would value it more then anything else she owned.

In her pack were other necessities for surviving the harsh and hard climb to the top. It had taken her almost three days to get to the peak and now here she was starting to grow very nervous. Ranya brushed her fingers through her hair and tried to make sure she was calm. Talking to a dragon wasn't an easy task. It was easy to be lulled into thinking you have its trust and then suddenly you're inside of its mouth. That was not going to happen to her. She had a task to do and nothing was going to stop her, not a dragon, not the mountain, not anything.

She finally felt like she was ready. She knew that her long blonde hair would get thrown around in the wind but now at least it was smooth and as neat as she can make it with no comb and no water to spare. The long black dress got flapped around in the wild wind. A storm was coming. She could tell without even looking up… the wind was raging, the clouds were forming and she could feel a few drops of water on her face as she looked high up at the sky. The clouds were almost black they were so dark. The weather seemed to her a sign of bad things to come… like her quest had been doomed already even before facing the dragon. Or maybe it was a sign of the impending war. Taking a deep breath she climbed up to the very top of the peak and to the final stage of her journey.

Suddenly there was a loud sound behind her, and she had to suppress the urge to spin around and see what was there. She knew it was the dragon. She looked up into the sky and was met by a terrifying and brilliant sight. The body was so huge, so magnificent, and so terrifying. She could make out the many different scales along its length. It was an olive green in colour but with the clouds so dark it looked near positively black. The wings were huge and spread so the dragon could hover in front of her. They were bat like, leathery and black. The head turned and came towards her and suddenly she was drawn in to the golden eye of the dragon. But she stood tall and proud although she felt like she could see forever in that one eye. She knew the feeling well from her necklace.

And then came its voice. It was the most terrible thing she had ever heard. It was loud and booming like the waves crashing against a rocky shore. It was like the voice was inside her head. She almost screamed.

"What do you do here human? Why do you defile our ancient rock?" The dragon was a female, her voice piercing, booming and painful all at the same time. Her steady stare into Ranya's eyes was almost hypnotic.

I come bearing gifts to show my trust and respect," Ranya answered in the traditional words bowing slightly but not so much as to humble herself greatly. Dragons did not like an arrogant human that thought they couldn't bow to a dragon. But they hated someone that cowered and bowed and sucked up to them.

The dragon considered her with one eye and then responded in the traditional way.
"You come to show trust and respect, present to me my gift, human"

Slowly Ranya placed the necklace on the ground in front of her so that the dragon could see the wonderful necklace, she felt a pang of longing and felt saddened by it having to go. But the need for the dragon's help was more to her then the necklace.

The dragon considered the necklace for sometime and then looked at Ranya closely before turning her regard back to the necklace. Quickly, like a flash of lightning she swooped down and closed her claws around the fantastic necklace and then returned to the place she was hovering in the sky before.

"This has great power and great beauty. You show immense respect presenting me with such a gift that means so much to you. It was your mother's, a sorceress of great power and strength of will. I look into your eyes and into your heart and I see that you can be as powerful in many different ways"

Ranya stood shock still. This was such a good response from a dragon she could hardly believe it. She knew that the dragon would be able to tell a lot from the necklace, but what she had said had shocked her.

"I hope you accept my gift and will hear what I have to say with no bias or mistrust" Ranay uttered the ancient words to the dragon and looked upon her.

"I accept your gift and hold no bias or mistrust against you. You have come, like others, to ask my help. What makes you different from the man I sent home before human?"

At this Ranya was shocked, none of her people had come to the dragons for she would have known about this. Then people from the other side… they must have tried to enlist the dragon's almighty power and been turned away. As if the dragon knew what she was thinking she spoke out of tradition.

"No it was not one of your kind. It was your enemy. But the minute I saw the man that came to me I knew he did not know of the courtesy to be paid to a dragon, nor did he bare a GIFT of any worth. He bought me a dead carcass of an animal called a horse, he also did not carry it with him up the peak but bought it up by magic" At this Ranya gasped. To bring a dead carcass was a great insult… and the man did not even carry it himself. Not treating a dragon with proper custom courtesy was a sure way to get turned away.

"His people also wanted your help? But I would say that we want your help in a different way. His people see you as monsters, as things to be USED" Ranya uttered to the dragon, afraid of her response wondering if she was using bad manners. But to her great surprise the dragon laughed.

"Yes I could sense that as soon as I saw the man. He came with a weapon and wearing black armour. He even went so far as to say his name as soon as he saw me" Again Ranya gasped and shook her head.

"I cannot believe they would treat you with such disrespect. They have some of the best sorcerers, and yet they have no clue about any other life form" She shook her head again still in disbelief that people that always tried to flaunt their great knowledge of all things would not know the first thing about a dragon.

"I know why you are here human, but I would like for you to ask in the way of custom" The dragon said getting serious again on the matter at hand. Ranya looked up at the great beast and was surprised to see that the clouds parted where it was hanging in the air. It was magnificent and she was again awe struck.

Oh great dragon, I come on behalf of my people enlisting your help in the coming war. We do not ask you to fight our war, right our wrongs or breath fire when you do not want to. We ask for the use of your great wisdom, your knowledge of the many years your kind have seen, and for any help or guidance you could give. Our people are no concern to you, but forever we have revered and respected you. None of my kind has ever shown any anger, violence or malice towards you. No arrow of ours has ever been fired towards you. This is within the pact between Dragons and the people of the Peak. And still we both people and dragon respect this pact" Ranya paused looking up at the dragon, the custom words came easily from her mouth and flowed out of her like she did not even have to think.

"The dragons know more than us, see more than us, hear more than us and see the future as well as they see the past. This is the knowledge and the help we beg of you to aid us in" She finished the traditional speech and bowed her head in the traditional way. And then with a heavy heart she waited for the response.

"It has been two hundred years since war has struck your people. Two hundred years since us dragons have sat in on a war council, and advised and helped you best we can. It has been two hundred years since one of your kind knew one of our kind by our name. It has been two hundred years since we helped win the War of Rose. Again we will aid you in your fight against the people of The Rose." The dragon then inclined her head to Ranya.

"Ranya Ovan, you are the queen of your people, as your mother was, and her mother was. We have long since helped you in your plights against your enemies and helped restore your land. My name is Chaklin Yalavin. And I am the daughter of the queen of the dragons. On behalf of my people I give you our aid. Dragons shall sit in your war council and aid you to peace as we always have done. I will not leave you until the war is ended. In tradition that was set down a thousand years ago I will let you sit upon my back and I shall carry you back down the mountain so all will see that the dragons will yet again help you in your need."

Ranya bowed low to the dragon and uttered the famous words that have been uttered ever since the pact was made.

"I give unto you my promise that I will protect you as you protect me, and I will not leave you for any reason. We shall live together until the war is over and I shall respect and love you" With that Chaklin landed on the peak next to Ranya, almost blowing her off in the process. A feeling of fear came over Ranya as she climbed onto Chaklin's back, before her wings and she held on tightly as the dragon started to move. Suddenly they lurched into the air and the clouds were clearing. Ranya sighed happily, with the wisdom of the dragons on their side there was no way they could lose the war.

Ranya sounded a loud whoop, very unqueenly, as they soared through the sky and she felt at last that there was some hope in the future. With the help of the Dragons maybe they will be able to win this war and then, they will be free of the soldiers of The Rose and again live in peace.

←- Drag | Just a Fool -→

DateNameComment 
21 Jul 2005:-) Matthew J. Hillary
"Slowly Ranya placed the necklace on the ground in front of her so that the dragon could see the wonderful necklace"

I'll get this out of the way. The repitition of necklace in that sentance almost sounds redundant, in my opinion. I'd suggest maybe rewrite it to use a pronoun. "in front of her where the dragon could see its beauty" Catch my drift?

All in all, I liked it. I was really into it for about the first half, but to be honest it kind of drops off where the dragon tells her about the man from The Rose. I think it was how much offended her reaction seemed towards hearing about how the person reacted. She seemed to go from humble servant to gossiping housewife with a snap of the fingers. Does that make any sense? I guess it just feels like she should of kept a bit more of a humble understanding of how the dragon would be offended then offended for the dragon's sake.

But then again, not like I'm anything that good 12 and you might not care that much about this.

But I like the concept here, of the dragon coming and aiding as a leader not a soldier. Did you get this idea from somewhere else or is it yours. It'd be a good storyline, I think, to continue on. Maybe even if you wrote a story from someone else's perspective, a young boy who turns to soldier in the War of Rose and is inspired by the thought that he fights for a dragon. Maybe he becomes a hero and gets the chance to meet the dragon. Maybe he falls in love with the queen or her daughter. Maybe he falls in love with someone on the other side. Some girl that finds him wounded and is takes care of him with a sort of awe that he is a soldier that fights for a dragon.

yadda yadda lol I'm kind of rambling now. Its good that your short piece inspires me to think of what else happens. Its only proof that it could work as some sort of novel. Drop me a line if you ever continue it.

12

PS: I have a problem with feeling like my critiques sound harsher then I intend them to be, so I apologize for the first half in case it did.

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Yikes this has to be my longest comment yet... so thankyou for that. Firstly i take all crits into hand because that was one of the main reasons i joined elfwood, to get help on my writing and hopefully improve. so don't worry they didn't sound harsh.Yes i know that i often repeat things and makes it sound like a five year old wrote it *cringe* i always make mistakes like that, so i just have to be a bit more careful when i rephrase. The reason the character changed was because i hadn't planned for her to be a queen. Though her understanding on how dragons are and how their customs work is very important to the storyline and thats why she felt so offended. Though i understand where you are coming from because upon rereading it i wish i had made her into a peasent girl.I am glad you see ideas for stories, i have started a little study on the piece and tried to make a start on a story but nothing comes out right. I had many ideas for it when it was suggested it should go on but i can't get anywhere with it. I may revisit it when i get back to Australia. Thanks again for the detailed comment it means a lot!"
17 Aug 2005:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith
Interesting, very interesting...

I like how you've made the history between the dragons and Ranya's people and the slight twist as she learns some things about herself from the dragon.

Well I'm going to toodle off and read some more of your stuff! 2

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Thankyou i love getting comments on this story as i liek it a lot and it was my first real attempt at a good story rather than scattered ideas in my head. I am glad you visited again and thankyou so much for all the lovely comments>!"
10 Sep 2005:-) Sarah J Kinder
A very nice story - I like it very much. As someone else mentioned I found having the dragons sit on the council rather than just fight for the humans is quite interesting. The re-iterations of traditional words is also very cool. The only crit I have is that the part where she gets up on the dragon is rather lacking in description, where I think this could be the coolest part of the story. But it seems like you ran out of steam there. But yeah I think this story would make a good start to a novel.

-S

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "thanks very much! i have been considering a rewrite of the whole idea but we will see. i have attemptedsecond parts but now i think i have a good idea in mind that mightjust work, so i hope so. Thanks for the comments i really appreciate it!oh and you are my 50th commenter... theres an email in your inbox about that 12"
18 Sep 2005:-) Keith D. Brooks Jr.
Wow! I am blown away by this! I LOVE dragon stories, and I admire people who try to write dragons in a way that makes them a little different than most dragon stories. This is your first piece? Hard to believe. I'm glad you say you are going to expand on this story, it is really good.

13 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Thankyou again for your kind comment! This was my first real story is what i should say. i had written poetry before hand but this was the first short story. I am glad you like my story i read over it and theres a lot i would change about it now, but as i am attempting to expand on it we shall see. Thanks again!"
19 Sep 2005:-) Matthew J. Hillary
I've got it! I'm a young boy, (insert name here), that grows up during the war, at least hits 12ish when the war starts) and on the side of the queen. Growing up, I always fantasized about being a hero (maybe come up with a hero of the previous war for me to fantasize about), and can't wait til I hit, 16 (maybe 18?) and can join the forces. My birthday comes! Huge traditional bash/trial whatever and I go off to training camps. I work hard, realise that being a soldier isn't all gloryious, but I still have the hope of meeting the dragon, whom I also fantasize about, sitting in on the council. I'm always first in the crowd when the dragon or council sends word. I finally go off to fight, small battles at first. Tragically, I'm lost in one of them, thought dead, but only wounded. A young girl/lady finds me and gets her father to come get me. They care for me. I soon realize that they're peasents of the other side and struggle with my own faith to my own country. The war rages on and I stay there, to repay my debt. Then soldiers from my homelands come. What do I do now? Maybe I trade sides? Maybe I go see the dragon to try to fight for peace? Would the soldiers let me? Maybe I fall in love with the young lady that saved me? Maybe I rejoin my home's forces.

Hmm... Any of that inspire you at all for a story revolving around this? =) hope so lol

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Sorry i didnt reply to this until now Matt. lol i love the idea but i cant take it... its yours. I have sorta got an idea of what i want to do and i have started writing it. I am going to have a go at it again very very soon so dont worry. I might use your idea a little buit we will see. Thanks for trying to spur me on *grins at you* you are very nice!"
14 Dec 200545 Clarence Likness
OMG... Wow... this story had me right from the beginning, and then all the ritual involved when speaking to a dragon made the whole thing real for me. I would love to have had just a touch more info about how the dragon and Rayna look. I love dragons and just wanted to know if her scales gleamed or were a flat green/black. things like that. You have the beginnings of a great story here. PLEASE WRITE MORE AND CONTINUE THIS STORY.... ill stop yelling now....lol

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Lol, you aren't the first that has asked me to do that as you can tell and i am definately planning on it. The problem is that it was about inspiration from the pic... the pic had this story in it and i told it. I have attempted around about three times to make a second part or start a story but i have had trouble with a good plot. Thankyou for the pointers. Again using the pic for reference means i was a little slack on the descriptions. I usually love reading lengthy descriptions of characters and i will keep that in mind for the second part! Thanks for the comment"
15 Dec 2005:-) Katherine Bates
Oh, this is wonderful. You haven't described the dragon to much which lets the reader imagine and somehow makes it more real, I always over describe.
I have to say that it does sound like the Prolouge to an epic tale, rather than a tale in itself, it's still lovely though, but now I want to know if something else happens to them and how the war ends and what happens in the middle.
The idea of the dragon helping is very good, I hate it when the dragon is just a beast that fights, it's so unemotional and unfeeling, they might as well not have the dragon.
'The War of the Rose' sound a bit Tudor, but conjures up a very noble battle at the same time.

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Thankyou so much for your lovely comment! I know it sounds like a prolouge but i never meant it to be that way lol! i am trying to write a second part and have been for the better part of the year. Im glad i got you to use your imagination... even with a lot of describing if the reader can't SEE the character than the author needs to work hard. I am planning on overhauling this as its one of my earlier pieces and just rewriting it... thankyou so much for the comment!"
5 Apr 2006:-) Kathryn 'Katy' Connor
Interesting use of the whole "War of the Roses" concept... yea, you've probably heard that so much it's old... sorry. The only beef I have is the punctuation. You didn't include periods at the ends of your quotations, but I'll assume you did that on purpose. Still good either way *nods*
20 Mar 2007:-) Danielle J. Sanderson
Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow!!! I loved it! 1 It was really interesting, and I agree that it would make a wicked prologue for a novel. I really liked the mixed fear and respect for the dragon. Even though they had a pact to join forces and fight together, there remained the danger and terror. Very awesome!

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Hey you came and read some of my stuff!!! Whee! Hows that sequel going? Thankyou so much. I was just reading through this and i think i might edit it and change a few things (make Ranya not a queen for one thing... it never really fit) I like the idea that even though something is scary you can still join forces with it... thats how come she is afraid yet respectful of the dragon. Thanks for commenting!"
20 Jun 2007:-) Kelsey M. Graham
*pokes* what happens next?? pleasepleasePLEASE write a sequal! *sigh* wish i could have seen that picture, it's no longer in existance. 8 anywhoo, love the story. love dragons. love the whole idea! write more

1 Jacqueline 'Jac' Tanner replies: "Oh the picture is still there... i just changed it so that it will be viewable... i just accidentally forgot to close a tag. I am gonna rework this story because at the moment i am unhappy with it and i might try extending it... we will see hehe! Thanks for the comment"
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'Dragon Peak':
 • Created by: :-) Jacqueline ´Jac´ Tanner
 • Copyright: ©Jacqueline ´Jac´ Tanner. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Dragon, Dragons, Kingdom, Maiden, Mountain, Peak, Queen, Rose, War
 • Categories: Dragons, Drakes, Wyverns, etc, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc
 • Views: 674

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