"Of Wolves And Spiders" by Jeff Karlson

It took me a long while, but I finally found out that listening to music while resting in bed was leading me no closer to meditation, or to finding out who I truly was.

Sure, it was a fun activity, but it wasn’t sending me anywhere I wanted it to. It just showed I loved music, and I felt like I could FEEL the music, but it just was not enough. It was nowhere near what I was seeing people post online. I wanted to do one better.

Last night, I put my Muse CD into my CD player, and put the earphones in my ears, making sure to put the one that said R into my right ear, and the L in my left ear. It hurts if you don’t do it right. Instead of listening to the whole CD through, like last night (er...the night before...pardon me, I was never good at storytelling, even if they were actual events), I just made it repeat track one.

                Track 1 was a marching beat that lasted for about a half a minute. It slowly got louder and louder. It actually was the intro for track two on the CD, because song 2 has the same beat in the beginning with some music added.

                Anyway, as I was listening, I just breathed. Over and over. Forgetting about everything, I focused solely my breathing on the beat of the marching. Over and over. I must have spent an hour just doing that. Then I fell asleep, so I didn’t meditate that day. I did not know I had the patience to do that.

                However...just a few minutes ago...I tried again...and this time it worked. I fell into a trance. I was not myself. I was somewhere else. I was free from my body. I was just a soul.

                And then...I honestly don’t know how or why it happened, but I found my soul residing in the body of a wolf. It was as if my soul floated into a new body.

                It might freak most people out, but not me. I was ecstatic! This was everything I ever wanted. To finally be a wolf was amazing to me. All the things I could see! All the things I could hear! All the things I could smell!

                The moon was out. It wasn’t full, but still I began baying to it, just for fun, just because I felt good. Really good. I just opened my jaw, closed my eyes, and pushed the air through my mouth in the way I had tried so many times before as a human. I could never howl...my vocal chords weren’t able to produce such a sound. But now...

                When I was done, my tongue was hanging out, and I was panting. I was a happy puppy. :) Well...adolescent doggy. Anyway, my tail was up too. I was wagging it. I started to run around. For the first time, I actually took in my surroundings.

                It was a huge, lush forest. Trees were everywhere; moss was hanging on almost all parts of the tree bark facing north. I was surprised I remembered that.

I'm terribly sorry my story is taking many tangents, but I feel these little details are important enough to include.

                Everywhere ferns were growing around the roots of the trees. Almost all the trees were towering over me; the canopy must have been at least 200 feet above the ground. But the sun was still peeking through.

                The dirt was rough and untouched, so there was no path. The dirt, for the most part, was covered in ivy, ferns, and other small plants you see off to the side in nature trails, but some spots weren't blanketed.

                I kept running around this in ecstasy, feeling the dirt on my paws. Eventually, I ran across another wolf. She had a kind and welcoming demeanor, and I followed her.

                She led me to her pack. It seemed like she was the alpha-female. She was nuzzling the buffest wolf I had ever seen. Muscles were ripping out from everywhere on his body. He was obviously the alpha-male of the pack.

                I was about to lay myself down in the ivy; I was tired from all that running around I did. But then everyone's head perked up. We all could smell it...and hear it moving nearby...deer.

                Every wolf was running as fast as they could. The alpha-male was first on the scene and had bled the deer out with a large bite to the throat. I could tell from the blood all over his muzzle. I didn't see what happened, simply because I had run out of energy. Just because I was a wolf, it didn't mean I was one that was in shape. In fact, I felt that I was similar in size to my human self...slightly overweight, and very, very slow.

                By the time I got there, the good, fresh meat was all gone. A fly was heading towards the deer. You may think that was quick for it to happen, but, as I said I was still very, very slow. Okay…maybe I’m exaggerating. I licked some of the blood and nibbled a bit on the bones, but still felt hungry.

                Then I remembered something. I was a vegetarian. I had just eaten part of this deer, raw. In cold blood. I always told myself that it was ok for animals to kill other animals; they did so out of respect and they need to do so for food. Humans don't need animals for food. I won't get into all that; this is far as it needs to go to make sense in the context of the story.

                I had just sinned against my moral code. I was ashamed of myself. I put my tail between my legs and snuck off into the forest, head down, eyes closed. I trudged along, until I felt so tired and collapsed on the ground.

                This reminded me of the spider in PE. A few days before that incident, I saved a huge spider from the grasps of El Gato Diablo, or my cat Smoky. She's a good cat, but I just didn't want her to play with the spider like that. She was clawing at it as it was climbing up the walls. I was so proud of myself for letting it free.

                However, the spider in PE was in much worse condition. It had already lost three of its legs. It was very sad. I kept trying to cup my hands together to gather it into my hands, but two things screwed my attempted saving of the spider:

                1. Someone in the class kept trying to crush it with his badminton racquet.

                2. I had to be quick because of the above, and it wouldn't go into my hands on its own free will. I had to push it around roughly a little bit.

                By the time I finally got it into the palm of my hand, it had lost two more legs. It probably would have been better off dead than to live the rest of its sad little life in misery. However, I didn't have the heart to kill it, although it was in the best interest of the spider.

                The best interest for the deer's dead carcass would be for as many animals as possible to eat it: flies, worms, wolves, whatever came this way. It’s natural. It’s coexistence. I still felt sick. It was awful. I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to leave this godforsaken hell and return home.

                I got my wish. I sat up with a start. The first thing I did was puke. I ran over to the toilet, and started to vomit. I felt so disgusted in myself. I couldn't believe that I did what I did. I felt so much self-hatred for myself. It turned into fear as I found myself evacuating parts of the dead deer carcass. This was no normal meditative trance...I was actually there. I felt so confused, so hurt, so tormented. I must have barfed for a good ten minutes.

                But then I thought of something. Maybe the best interest for me was not in the body of a wolf, but in the body of a man. Maybe it was the best interest for all life on earth, or maybe just a few. It didn't matter. This was the message I was supposed to be told.

                I never wanted to be anything other than myself ever again.