"Chaos Lost- Chapter Three" by Johanna Holmlund

The week wasn’t even over when the pain began.

It wasn’t much, not at first, just twinges in her joints as she moved, as if she were stiff. Nothing to worry about, nothing Ky couldn’t work through. Somehow, though, it left a bitter taste in the back of her mouth.

Kris had said it would get worse.

”Kiin! Stupid, clumsy girl! You are worthless! I should beat the life from you, you unsteady-fingered bitch!” Ky felt as if Shainsa would beat the life from her with the switch. Ky had done the unforgivable- she had broken a glass vase while dusting.

The pain was so much more now, only weeks since it had begun. Her hands shook, sometimes with weakness, sometimes with fear. Not just her joints, but now the muscles themselves hurt, too, as if she had worked them too hard. Part of her was glad, reveled in the pain. It felt like a confirmation of her evil, a physical mirror to her twisted mind. If she was evil, then it was right for her to die.

Ky hated to see Kris now. He couldn’t take the pain as well as her. He had rarely felt pain in his life- a broken leg, years ago, but little more. He tried hard to hide it from Shainsa and their Father, but even they were beginning to suspect.

When the moon passed full and was half again, the spell could be done. The moon was halfway to full right now. A full month. Ky didn’t see how they could survive, and she wasn’t sure if she even cared anymore.

The full moon shone down across the world, bleaching everything to it’s own magnificent silver. A single figure moved slowly, haltingly across the dreamlike landscape, making hardly a sound.

The spell called for a certain flower, and it only bloomed on the first full moon of summer. They had to be picked when in bloom and the petals dried and powdered. These flowers, however, only grew in the woods that began several lengths behind the barn, and only on decaying logs at that. They weren’t the most common blossoms, and they would be difficult to find.

Even more difficult for one in as much pain as Ky. She was in constant pain, a fiery pain that radiated through her with every step. Crossing the clearing from the barn to the woods, she leaned heavily on her crutch, cursing whatever came to mind.

She noticed, almost with a start, that she no longer felt that cloud of self-pity that had followed her all her life. Strange, for what better reason to feel self-pity than the pain she was in now? But it was gone, and in it’s place anger and determination. Anger at whatever would allow her to be in so much pain after a life of so much misery, and determination to prove that she was capable of some good before she died, even if that only good was to save the life of one person.

She reached the woods far sooner than she’d expected too, but didn’t hesitate to enter it. Walking on the forest floor was far more difficult than she’d imagined, though, and she slowed considerable.

Brush caught at her legs and crutch, branches scraped her face and snagged her hair. The roots of trees were everywhere, almost as if they were trying to catch her foot and make her fall. The anger and determination slipped away as silently as they’d come, leaving behind a frightened little girl.

I can’t do this, I can’t… Hopelessness rose in her throat, choking her. She wasn’t meant to be brave. She wasn’t meant to be anything.

So why are you trying so hard? She barely recognized the thought as her own, but answered immediately For Kris. That’s what everything was for now.

Kris could still function, still talk. Most of the time he remembered who he was, and rarely asked where he was. He knew Ky, too. But everything else…

“She’s infected him, can’t you see? You let the witch too close to him, and her evil has spread!” It hadn’t taken the household long to see that something was wrong, and Shainsa was constantly shrieking about it. Kris was kept locked in his room now, far away from his evil sister. Ky could only pray that they would be able to perform the spell.

Shainsa had noticed that something was wrong with Ky, too, but only that she didn’t work as well now. She was convinced it was something that could be remedied with more beatings, but Ky could no longer feel the new pain past the old, and it made no difference.

But Ky had to work past the pain. Only half a month more now until it was over, and at least she could have the satisfaction of knowing she had left her brother behind, alive.

But first there was this night. The flowers had to be gathered, and she had to be the one to do it. Kris would never be allowed to leave his room, for fear that Ky would harm him further.

Right in front of her was a hill. Certainly not the largest of hills, but more than enough to daunt her.

She began to climb. The determination was back, but the anger that had fueled her so well earlier was gone.

One step, then another. That was what it would take. No pain, no hill, nothing but one step, then the next. Right foot, left foot, crutch. Right, left, crutch. Slowly, she made her way up.

Halfway. There was the crest, the same distance to go as she had already climbed. She wanted to cry, to give up, to die where she stood. Halfway.

Right, left, crutch. Right, left, crutch. Three quarters. Almost there. Right, left, crutch.

Ky was afraid to look at the sky, to see how much the moon had moved. It must have taken half the night to get this far.

From the top of the small hill, she could look for the pale blossoms shining in the moonlight. There had to be some somewhere, for this was the night they showed their petals. She had to find some, because there wouldn’t be another chance.

There, through those pines. It couldn’t have been more than a few flowers, but it would be enough. She started off again, this time down the other side. She’d worry about getting back to the top later, when she was done.

Right, left, crutch-

The world tumbled and spun around her, but she hardly noticed through the pain. She’d fallen, her crutch had slipped on the rock. Bushes flew past her as she rolled roughly down the slope, banging against what must have been every rock in the forest.

Ky didn’t even notice when she stopped jarringly against a tree. Wave after wave of agony swept over her, each wave bringing another black veil across her vision. Soon pain and darkness were all there was, and not even Kris was in her thoughts now.

Death…

Light. A bright, shining pinpoint of the most amazing light… light that she didn’t see with her eyes, but in her mind. Like a tiny flame…

A flame that grew into a raging fire, but instead of bringing pain, it brought such feelings of love that Ky could have almost reached out to touch them. Love, and sympathy, and most of all, strength. So much that Ky could hardly have doubted their sincerity despite her almost instinctual drive to do so.

She opened her eyes, surprised to find herself still on the forest floor, and surprised even more to see that no time at all had passed between the fall and now. Still in her mind was that fire, now dwindled into a tiny spark, but a spark that held steady. A spark that told her that there was someone, something special out there, waiting for her, waiting to love her and be loved by her. A tiny presence, but one that lent Ky the strength she needed.

There was still pain, but the weakness was gone, wiped away by that brief, raging fire.

Ky rose slowly to her feet, but not feeling as if she could fall at any moment. It hurt, but it was pain shared with the presence in her mind, and it was pain she could endure.

The flowers. Slowly, haltingly, but surely, Ky made her way to the tiny blossoms. Only a small spray peeked out from under the dead pine’s trunk, but enough for the spell. Without hesitation, Ky grabbed the delicate flowers and turned to the hill.

Going up a second time was just as tedious as the first, but the hopelessness was gone. There was no despair, no feeling that the top could never be reached.

Right, left, crutch. And yet she knew, despite the pain, she could bring herself to take another step, and another after that.

That night, for the first time, Ky went to bed with a feeling of strange, almost involuntary, contentment. There was someone out there who cared, far away, on the other side of the light in her mind. Over and over, Ky examined it, trying to doubt it and failing. She couldn’t bring herself to believe in a being that felt pure in her mind could feel such emotions for something as evil as herself, but at the same time it was irrefutable. It was definitely a living being, one of a kind that she had never before seen, but beyond that there was nothing but the strong, undeniable feelings that warmed and perhaps even began to heal Ky’s tattered soul.