"Chaos Lost- Chapter Two" by Johanna Holmlund

Again the sun rose, and again Ky awoke with the remnants of a forgotten song dying in her thoughts. Again she would work, and again Shainsa would tell her she wasn’t doing enough. It would be just like every other day.

But it wasn’t every other day. Today she knew that things would change, that maybe, just maybe, she could live. Maybe there was something else.

That hated crutch. Ky stared at it before grabbing it and limping to the house. Chances were, she wouldn’t be needing it after long.

Ky was floating. Her thoughts were distant and disconnected, unable to grab hold of anything substantial. The only constant in her mind was the feeling of an end, relief from this life, this existence where nobody cared except her brother. This existence where her every step depended on a gnarled stick of wood. An existence where the only difference from day to day was whether or not she was beaten.

It would end, one way or another.

“What are you doing here?” Ky whispered quietly when she entered the kitchen, seeing that Kris was there once again. For a brief moment, everything was normal. She had to avoid waking Shainsa.

“Ky, we have to talk again. Tonight.” That brief moment of normalcy was gone, and again she was free.

They might as well have been shadows in the liquid darkness behind the barn. There was no moon that night, not even the barest sliver, and the stars stood out like shattered pieces of the sun.

Ky could feel, even before he spoke, that he was holding onto a secret. She knew, also, that this wasn’t a secret that he was going to tell her.

“This curse is painful. It… mom was near crazy at the end. I’ve never seen so much pain before.”

“It doesn’t matter, Kris. I don’t care if I live or die, and I’ve felt plenty of pain before. The only reason I’m doing the damn spell is so that you can live, don’t you understand that?” Her heart sank at the expression on his face, the sadness he felt that his twin could care so little for life.

“Kris, you have to understand. I’ve never had anything, and I’ve grown up watching my own other half receive it all. You’ve… you’ve learned how to ride a horse, how to read, you’ve been to Market Square, you’ve… Kris, my whole life, I’ve known that I would never see these things, learn what you’ve learned. My life has been pain and misery, and the only reason I don’t hate you is because you’re the only one who pities me. I love you Kris, because you’re my twin, and because you talk to me, you give me the only glimpse of the real world that I’ll ever get. At least if I die I won’t have to watch everyone else getting everything, and scorning me because I don’t have what they have. I can’t even run, Kris. I watch you do it every day an not even think about it.” Kris didn’t respond. The silence stretched on for what could have been forever.

“Kris, what aren’t you telling me?” He jumped, even though her words had hardly been a whisper.

“What do you mean?” He looked startled, maybe even guilty. More than anything, though, he looked as if the only thing holding back tears was sheer will.

“Your secret. You haven’t told me everything, Kris, and you look as if your secret is so sad it makes you want to die. So tell me.” He shook his head.

“I’m not hiding anything.” His voice was ragged, as if he had to tear through his secret just to speak. She knew he was lying.

“Will you tell me someday?” It was a long moment before he nodded.

“Ky… I’m sorry.”

“Why?” He shook his head.

“For… for all the pain. You’re going to hurt, Ky, and by the end, I won’t even be able to help you. We can’t do the spell until we are on the very brink of death.” She shook her head. That wasn’t what he’d apologized for, but she didn’t press the subject.

 “You have the same eyes as Mom.” Ky started. She hadn’t expected him to say anything else.

“What do you mean?”

“That color green. You and Mom are the only ones I’ve seen with eyes that bright, and green to boot. They’re pretty.” Ky looked over to her brother, who’s eyes nothing more impressive than a deep brown. She couldn’t see him in the dark, but she’d seen his eyes often enough.

She closed her eyes and pictured his face in her mind. It was a strong face, like their father’s. High cheekbones, straight brows, straight nose. Still boyish, for he was only sixteen, but he had strong features underneath that would surface when he was older. Wine-dark red hair, cut rather short for the coming summer.

What of her own face? She knew her hair was red, not as dark as Kris’s but darker than most, and cut shoulder length. Shoulder length to show that she was no more than a drudge, rather than the long, flowing locks other girls were allowed. But her face? Ky avoided mirrors. It had only taken one beating, when she was five, to keep her from looking in mirrors. Vanity was a privilege, Shainsa had said, not something for crippled girls.

 “Ky?” Her brother’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. “Ky, will you be alright?” She nodded. “Listen, there’s some things we have to do before the spell, some things we need to get, but I’ll tell you about all that later. You need sleep.” Again she nodded, and quietly climbed up to her bed.

Kris stood in the shadows a while, watching the loft where she lay before silently leaving for his own bed.

Had Ky been watching, she would have seen tears on his cheeks.

Kris wasn’t in the kitchen the next morning. She knew it wasn’t safe for them to talk at all, let alone every day, but that didn’t stop the kitchen from feeling empty.