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James ´Jimbo Fett ´ Inwood

"Wight chapter one" by James ´Jimbo Fett ´ Inwood

SciFi/Fantasy text 9 out of 14 by James ´Jimbo Fett ´ Inwood.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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The first chapter of my horror/fantasy novel.
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←- The slaver's story. | Wight Chapter Five -→

“Hurry up you gutter rat! This tomb is bound to contain something” snarled the older man. He was a paunchy gentleman with expensive clothing, that was uncommon wear for tomb robbers.

“Ack! Tha ground’s tighter then yer purse Mister Hodge.” Responded the younger man, as he dug dipper into the small hillside. He wore a scruffy jacket along with a ripped shirt that reeked of tobacco and his frame was considerably thinner than his master.

“Just remember Hitchner the riches I-we, will be wallowing in after we plunder this tomb.” Mister Hodge responded to his tiring servant.

“Neverthaless, I’m hungry. Can we stop fer somthin tae eat?” whined Hitchner.

“Nay! Keep digging, we cannot afford to waste time.” Hodge said, looking around in case anybody was watching this shifty duo in the middle of the night. Nothing was to be seen except the remains of the nearby forgotten ruins: coiled within bracken and thorn bushes.

It was hard to believe that only a few days ago he would never of thought of the possibility of another undiscovered burial mound. Yet as he was browsing the local market place he came across a battered, withered old book.

The book was almost in the early stages of decay and had reeked of ancient paper and dust; yet the writing was mostly legible, if not slightly confusing. Hodge received the impression, while reading it, that the author was slightly unstable. The book appeared to be a journal of some sorts: it contained references to people, places from the past and contained strange recipes of all things.

Not that any of this interested Hodge. He was a collector that was only interested in collectables that could be sold for money that would make his life more comfortable. Needless to say the only thing that stopped him from selling the book was this map he had found.

Crudely drawn on the inside of the books back, with what appeared to be charcoal, it showed the location of a strange burial mound a couple of miles from the city, just inside a heavily wooded area. What had sparked Hodges interest was the fact that this was an undiscovered mound; he could easily retire on the looted gold and riches probably found within - should he get there before others do. The things he could spend it on flew around his avaricious mind, distracting him from the dig, until Hitchner called him from his greedy thoughts. Hitchner had finally penetrated the tomb.

Both the tomb robbers instinctively walked into the mound following the gently descending path that Hitchner had excavated, while ignoring the strangely forbidding feeling raiding tombs often gave people. They came into a small chamber: it was slightly cramped, so Hitchner had to bend his neck slightly, while Mister Hodge plodded around him like a small blob of jelly.

 

 

 

************************

He stood on a field. It was a flat desolate field that seemed to him to have been drained of all colour. It was a tinted winter afternoon grey; yet as he tried to remember where he was, he was taken to another place, in his memories…

He stood in the middle of huge ruins. A massive obelisk carved by ancient hands faced him with the authority one earns through age. Yet again his vision flashed to reveal another place…

He stood on the outskirts of a burning village the small hovels and farmsteads had recently been razed by…something. Corpses both young and old lay hacked to death on the blood-sodden grass. His heart twitched as he vaguely remembered that he was supposed to protect these people. But from what? Before he could answer, he felt an unbearable pain in his head as his vision blurred, darkened and formed into a stone ceiling…

************************

“Look at all these riches Hitchner!” It was true. There was a large pile of gold surrounding what appeared to be a thin rectangular bed of stone - a slab, which lay a skeleton. The skeleton was also aged and broken in odd places.

Mr Hodge, was more interested in the gold detritus surrounding the bed, which (,Hitchner reasoned to himself,) was too much to go through straight away. Perhaps it would be better to study the corpse encase something was on it that was worth taking.

Hey, presto!

He thought. Around the neck just underneath the skull’s jaw was a beautiful necklace with a stunningly bright ruby. It would fetch a nice price at his local fence he thought.

He made a move for the ruby. He stepped forward, onto the shinning mound towards the skeleton.

**************************

It took a while for his vision to come back, but when it did it was not what he expected it to be. He was lying face upwards in what felt like an incredibly frail suit of armour, which in horror, he realised was his body - a rotting skeleton. That however was the least of his worries, as he sensed two people nearby.

One was rooting through the treasure laid around his stone bed like a pig looking for scraps. The second unnerved him the most: he was slowly stumbling towards his bed with his right hand outstretched, his other attempting to steady himself as his feet tried to find stable ground amongst the quagmire of riches.

Fear gripped him, like a freezing vice as the strange, thin man began to grope around his neck.

Through some sort of instinct that seemed foreign to him, his mind wandered out of his skeletal frame and viewed the tomb from a aerial perspective, he saw the man shuffling towards him with his hand on his necklace. “How dare he?! He thought in his spirit-mind.

It was this burst of dulled emotion that caused two things to happen.

He suddenly found himself back in his body and somehow his hands had shot up and were grasped the man’s thin neck.

He had somehow summoned random bits of armour that were discarded around the pile of riches onto his age-shattered body. He had suddenly created a crude protective suit, that couldn’t be called a suit of armour for he was missing a breastplate; but it was nonetheless comforting to him.

 

*****************************

Hodge meanwhile was almost out of his wits with fright.

To one side of him was Hitchner. He had been lifted off the ground by the corpse who had somehow came to life and had quickly reconstructed itself out of bits of armour; and was standing on the pile of gold busy throttling his servant.

There was only one way out of this situation.

Mr Hodge reasoned. Run away.

But as he got to the foot of the stone staircase, he noticed the small necklace that Hitchner had dropped. He snatched it up without a second thought and left Hitchner to his fate.

******************************

The Wight was staring at his unfortunate victim, staring out of the empty sockets in his skull - pure white light was blazing out of the sockets.

Bizarrely, time appeared to slow down, sound was muted and he could no longer hear him gasp for breath. Was he dead?

Looking deep into his gaunt face he noticed he was still alive - only just. Yet the Wight noticed something odd - he was more aware of the human: he could see his lungs pulsating, his heart beating it’s last few beats as the blood pumped sluggishly around his veins.

Now he was just staring at his flesh and clothes again. He finished the job and gave one last final squeeze crushing the thief’s neck. As he crumpled to the floor gurgling blood, the Wight felt woozy, his vision blurred. He found it much harder to think.

Stumbling around the small chamber he tried to steady himself, until his vision cleared and sharpened. Yet for some reason he was compelled to look one last time at the man he had killed.

He felt a tug between his eyes as he fell forwards over the corpse and everything faded to black…

←- The slaver's story. | Wight Chapter Five -→

DateNameComment 
29 Aug 2005:-) Ray Arquette
Alright, then. I have six notebook pages filled with scribblings on this one... Are you ready to proceed?

*Nitpicks file in, solemnly, all wearing judge's robes and wigs. One steps forward, pulls off his wig and replaces it with a herald's plumed hat, holding up a scroll marked "Charges of Grammatical Misconduct". He clears his throat, and utters something like "Hear ye, hear ye" in a squeaky Nitpick voice*

Ah, I think that'll do, Nitty. He'll never understand a word if you do it.I'm innocent I tell you!

"Hurry up[,] you gutter rat! This tomb is bound to contain something[,] ((no, really? Maybe try adding "of value" to that)) snarled the older man."

"He was a paunchy older gentleman..." This sentence was addressed above, so I'm not going to repeat the suggestion.

"tighter then yer purse"-- should be "than"

A general rule worth noting, since this happens several times throughout your story: in dialogue, the end of the speech should be like this-- "Oh, bugger off," snarled the younger man." You need the comma, since it only makes sense if it's all one sentence. "Snarled the younger man." -- this is a sentence fragment, you see? Since his name isn't, after all, Snarled. "I think I under stand what you mean," said Jimbo.

"his frame considerably thinner than [that of] his master"

"nearby forgotten ruins: coiled within bracken and thorn bushes" -- nicely descriptive, but there's no need for the colon. Make it a comma instead.

"never of thought"-- it should be "have". It can be "never've", if you're trying to get the sound right, but it needs to be "have", not "of".

"mostly legible, if not slightly confusing"-- there's no need for the "not" in this sentence.

"strange recipes of all things"-- if you meant that the book contains recipes for everything, then this sentece is perfectly correct. I figured you probably meant "recipes, of all things!" as in, "isn't it weird that this book has recipes written it it?"the book will come back again in the later chapters. All will be explained If I'm wrong, ignore this one.

"He was a collector that was only interested in tiems that could be sold for money that could..." This sentence is rather awkward and somewhat wordy. "He was a collector only interested in those items that could be sold to further his comfortable lifestyle," or something of the sort might work better.

"..was this map he had found." -- try "the", instead of "this".

Another rule of thumb; "apostrophe s" denotes possesion. "The book's back cover" rather than "the books back cover." Same rule for people, but if it's a name already ending in "s", like Hodges, say, rather than Hodge, you would only add the "s" if it's natural to pronounce it that way. But you still need the apostrophe.

"should he get there before others do" -- tense agreement issue, there, matey.Yar! These are all vaild points and I'm glad you not only pointed them out but also explained the rule...thanks!
29 Aug 2005:-) Ray Arquette
And here's round three! Man, I had a lot to comment on.

Anyway, this one's just to say that I rather like the idea, especially the stuff written from the Wight's POV, where he obviously doesn't quite know what's going on. I do think it could use some more description-- make Hitchner scabby and pockmarked, give Hodge little beady eyes and a snub nose or something.

Good stuff!

16 James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood replies: "That has to be the best nit-pick I've had in a while! I'll get round to looking at these points later, as I'm in the middle of somthing important.A 1000 thankies!"
29 Aug 2005:-) Ray Arquette
Round two, ding ding!

a semi-colon is used to link two clauses together. So is the word "yet". Therefore it's redundant to use both at once.

"burning villages[. T]he small buildings"

"...a slab, [upon] which lay a skeleton."

"which, (Hitchner reasoned to himself)," There really isn't any need for the brackets at all. I would just take them out-- the italics and the commas make it clear enough that these are the guy's thoughts.

"in case" is used for "just in case", "encase" means totally surrounded by. Possibly a spellcheck issue?

"...it would fetch a nice price at his local fence['s], he thought." This paragraph has "he thought" in it twice, which is probably unnecessary repetition. Just the italics should be enough.

..."that[,] however[,] was the least of his worries."

"unnerved him the most[;] he was..."-- the semi-colon is used to link two subordinate clauses, or a sub clause with a clause, whereas a colon works best for lists.

Quibble: an instinct, by definition, cannot be foreign. It is innate, not external. It can be unthinking, or unfamiliar, but not foreign. (Sorry, I'm an anthro/primatology major, imprecision about these kinds of things bugs me.)

"were grasped the thin man's neck"-- bit of a tense agreement issue again... believe this one was mentioned above too, no?

"..gold, busy throttling his servant"-- you can probably take out the "busy" altogether.

"Mr Hodge" --contraction of "Mr." needs a period.

"The Wight was staring at his unfortunate victim, staring out of the empty sockets in his skull- pure white light was blazing out of the sockets." --repetition of "staring" and "sockets" here. It can be used for effect, but it can also be somewhat distracting.

"He finished the job[,] giving one last final squeeze[,] crushing the thief's neck."-- using "last" and "final" is probably redundant too.

Well, that's it, you made it!

*Nitpicks, still in full regalia, nod their heads in unison, and raise tiny gavels for emphasis. High pitched voices chorus "Guilty!" Nitpicks raise water balloons, preparing to fire*

Fine, guys, do whatever you like. But if you get in a war with the Gack Hack Foo, I won't be giving you any help.

*Nitpicks pause, uncertain*
6 Nov 2005:-) Bloodhawk
Hold*s* more *of* a meaning rather...Ooooh, hypocritical! ^.^

4 James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood replies: "I didn't spot it!"
6 Nov 2005:-) Bloodhawk
That ending was awesome! So gory! It reminded me for a second of Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles AARRGH! Not again! - the bit about the blood and pulsating veins - I love her books, I think they're just beautiful - so you've certainly achieved there Jimbo! Brilliant! =D

Aye, I'm about to do a Ray on you though, please don't take this the wrong way...Just a couple of things that caught my attention.. Go for it! .

* '“Just remember Hitchner the riches I-we, will be wallowing in after we plunder this tomb.”' -- Sounded a bit like he was going to say more, so perhaps it could be re-worded more effectively? Yes, yes he was. And I'm not sure if I can reword that anymore effectively than that.

* 'a journal of some sorts' -- Did you not mean 'sort'?

* 'Both the tomb robbers instinctively walked into the mound following the gently descending path that Hitchner had excavated, while ignoring the strangely forbidding feeling raiding tombs often gave people' -- Again, perhaps rewording would make this one more effective, putting the words 'while ignoring the strangely forbidding feeling raiding tombs often gave people' first, followed by something like 'the two men walked into the mound....' etc...etc...

* 'He stood on the outskirts of a burning village the small hovels and farmsteads had recently been razed by…something.' -- Perhaps a dash, (if that's what they're referred to as...) would be a good idea after the word village? Good point.

* 'The Wight was staring at his unfortunate victim, staring out of the empty sockets in his skull - pure white light was blazing out of the sockets.' -- It's a powerful image, brings wonderful, vivid pictures to the mind, but might I suggest finding a different word or phrase for 'sockets' second time round? It's only minor flaw, but I (and forgive me if I sound arrogant here) find a sentence always sounds better if the words used are repeated as little as possible. You're not the first chap to mention that I sometimes repeat myself, it's a habit I'm trying to break. (Or, to put it another way, if they have a wide vocabulary...)

Hey, not that your vocab is restricted Jimbo, I learnt a new word off you today: 'avaricious.' Hurrah! and by that I learnt 'desirous'...Spiffy!

Awesome start to the story though, I like how you've built the chapter up to it's conclusion and how, by the end, you're drawn into the story and its characters (besides the dead guy maybe...) The ending is fantastic, really makes you want to read on and the way you wrote the Wight's attack was very clever...Great stuff! Makes colouring 'A Ruby Necklace' more interesting than before now...Hold more a meaning, and perhaps that'll make for a better turnout...

Look forward to Chapter Two! =)

(Oh, and nice use of the word 'penetrated' by the way - I really liked that...)

*offers you a cheese* Yes. O.O One whole cheese. 8D I know! ^-^ Amazing... 12

1 James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood replies: "Hehehe, glad I taught you another word. Thanks muchly for reading this my friend, you should really get published on Wyverns y'know? Looking forward to this illustration dude."
18 Dec 200545 Blade 'Bush = Hitler' Marilyn
1 Looks like I found something on my own.

This is splendid! I love the imagery and the shifting points of view. The wight isn't just portrayed as a scary monster, but also a character with distinct emotions and memories. I also find it unique how you described the feeling of being in the body of a rotted skeleton, and how the living man is in fact the antagonist. This reminds me strangely of Corpse Bride in feel, though of course it is entirely original and different from Corpse Bride. As for critique, I've only to say that somewhere in the middle the descriptive flow and power of wordage seems to lack for me, but that could simply be because the action was pulling me along and I read faster. Kudos Jimbo, it was a good read. And now off to the second chapter! ;D
9 Feb 2006:-) Panu Karjalainen
Unlike some, I actually did not feel the need for additional description. Both Hodge and Hitchner, the tomb and the wight, all fell into place quite nicely. But then, I rarely need many words to construct an image...

The awakening of the wight was quite strange, and somewhat unnerving, actually. Pretty good, that part.

:-) James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood replies: "Really not sure whether I should increase the imagery, to each his own I 'spose. Hehehe, I'm glad you liked the horror in it. Thanks for reading."
25 Feb 2006:-) Kaeli Grotz
Between Emma and Ray every one of my nitpicks have been pointed out which saves me a lot of work.

A great beginning, I can't wait to read more. Many unanswered questions and intriguing-ness-ness.

The only thing I'd have liked to see differently is more description when the Wight wakes up - the last thing he remembered was being outside, and then he wakes up in a tomb - I'd have thought he'd be noticing more things. Another small suggestion about italics - the first time we are shown the Wight's POV it is bold and italic, the next time it is neither, so I wasn't sure if it was the same person at first. Maybe it would be a bit clearer if it were all in italics or something.

Aside from that, twas awesome and I have to go read more now.

:-) James 'Jimbo Fett ' Inwood replies: "Yes, that makes a lot of sense now that I look into it more deeply...thanks for pointing that little technicality out...I'm glad you're enjoying it so far."
12 May 2006:-) Samuel V. R. Joseph
Oops... I had a long list of things I wanted to say, then I realised they've all been said before. Sad, eh? But no matter. There's one thing that's been said before which I'd nevertheless like to say again: This is a very interesting beginning! I'll have to read more when I have the time.

Until then, keep writing! Cheers for the comment Sam, I'll be over to look at your stories when time permits.
20 Nov 2006:-) Dragonflies2
Okay, before i comment, is this the updated version? because if it isn't then i'll come back and comment on the updated one, as you already have years of comments on this one. unless you'd still like comments on it? No it's not, but I'm not going to update this till hell freezes over, so it's up to you to read it or not.
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'Wight chapter one':
 • Created by: :-) James ´Jimbo Fett ´ Inwood
 • Copyright: ©James ´Jimbo Fett ´ Inwood. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Grave robbers, Horror, Wight
 • Categories: Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Celtic
 • Views: 408

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