"Darkmoon Ridge (Chapter 9)" by James K Bowers

 
 
    He perched atop the heaped hides and animal pelts, ignoring the fleas and lice that had the audacity to make their homes in the chieftain’s throne.  Ha’Akch’Grupp, the occasionally undisputed chieftain of the Urrg-Gratch, listened unenthusiastically as the assembled scouts stammered and stuttered through their daily reports.  He absently wondered if it was in some fashion better than listening to the High Murgg’s droning and chanting.  The thought took too much effort, though, and Ha’Akch’Grupp soon abandoned the notion.  It was, he decided, much like comparing the effects of dropping a 90-pound stone on one’s left foot to the effects of dropping a 90-pound stone on one’s right foot.
    Winter was never kind to goblin scouts.  They spent the greater part of every day hungry and shivering in the cold only to be herded into the royal chamber to shiver even more in the presence of the most exalted Ha’Akch’Grupp.  Even the most inexperienced scout knew that a useless report was an iron-clad guarantee for a beating but, rather than suffering severe punishment for providing a useless and boring report, a beating was very much preferred.  Seldom, but often enough to foster hope, a scout was fed without a beating, but only when the report was quite entertaining and useful.  And so, each scout in his turn hoped for the best as he related the day’s news to their chieftain.
    Gurrg-Nur, the bony scout who currently had the unenviable duty of making his report, was attempting to describe a half-eaten and completely frozen deer carcass in terms that might entertain the goblin chieftain.  The spirited account of his discovery was not going as well as he would have liked but, with luck, he hoped the remainder of his telling might keep him from being hung from the cavern roof by his toes until someone responded to his yelps.  Considering their affinity to yelps, most goblins would likely ignore his discomfort for days, choosing instead to bask in the wonderful sound as it echoed through the caves.  Gurrg-Nur shivered and continued his report.
    Yawning halfway through the greatly embellished tale of hills and trees and snow, Ha’Akch’Grupp snorted his disapproval and Gurrg-Nur’s report ended immediately.  “Beat him...” the chieftain grunted as he dipped an albino cave-toad in rotted mushroom mush.  Ha’Akch’Grupp lifted the toad to his mouth, but paused to add, “...twice.”  He then lowered the toad with a look of bewildered inspiration and pronounced one final goblin-whim, “Then hang him in the eastern vault.”
    J’Gakk’Nurk the One-eyed bowed once, intoning the traditional, “As the Exalted One wishes.”
    Deprived of the delicacy for far too long, Ha’Akch’Grupp popped the still wriggling toad into his mouth, demanding, “Next!” through the toad’s crunching bones.  He wiped toad and mushroom drool from his mouth using his left sleeve, as etiquette demanded, and waited impatiently for another useless and boring report.
    Though he couldn’t be certain, Ub’M’Gluc was hoping that “Mrephtx!” meant it was his turn to report to the Most Exalted.  It wasn’t that Ub’M’Gluc was overly eager to give his report, but rather that he had been pushed forward quite unceremoniously by Gral’KK and was now expected to say something worthwhile.  It was also a sure sign that Gral’KK had slept instead of scouted and needed a few more moments to compose his report.
    Picking himself up from the cavern floor, then bowing deeply and repeatedly, Ub’M’Gluc realized he had forgotten everything he had planned to say.  Overcome with fear of Ha’Akch’Grupp and the punishment he may pronounce, Ub’M’Gluc blurted out in a single trembling bleat, “Hillgnarls drop stones again - humans run - bridge over Jarnak Creek stonebroken - please not hang Ub’M’Gluc by toes, Most Exalted One!”
    Ha’Akch’Grupp came fully alert at this report.  His head swiveled to gaze directly at Ub’M’Gluc and, with one eyebrow twisted abnormally upward, he asked perhaps the most important question he could have asked of any scout.  With a leg of his latest delicacy still dangling from the corner of his mouth, the Exalted One inquired, “Mrrmphst??”  The cavern fell silent and the air seemed to grow cold and oppressive at once as all awaited Ub’M’Gluc’s reply.
    Seeing this as his great opportunity, but having had no time to gather his composure, Ub’M’Gluc plunged on into a full-blown, if ill-prepared, scouting report, the likes of which had not been heard in these caverns since news of the Great Dwarven Mine Collapse triggered a mid-autumn festival.   Goblin counting skills being what they are, none could say exactly how long ago that was, but no living goblin could boast of being in this cavern at First Telling though, to everyone’s amusement, old Grrk’Guch the Humped sometimes tried.
    “Most Exalted One, I am humble scout Ub’M’Gluc.  Hillgnarls drop stones again, two hands counting of big hillgnarl markers on flatlands by Jarnak Creek.  Some in creekwater and bridge over creek stonebroken.  Many humans hurry-hurry running away.”
    Noticing with some concern that the chieftain seemed to be losing interest in his story, Ub’M’Gluc then began an animated account of the bold actions he undertook during his scouting foray, certainly lies, but with no witnesses to say otherwise it seemed the scout’s best chance to avoid a toe-hanging.  “Ub’M’Gluc slay many with bare hands or stab with stone knife, much blood and am shouting Urrg-Gratch warcry.” Ub’M’Gluc accompanied the telling of the battle scene with furious hoots and much arm-flailing.  For good measure Ub’M’Gluc added several great leaps and other acrobatics that he decided would look fashionably warlike.  Then he stopped and seemed to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye as he said, “Too many Ub’M’Gluc cannot slay all.  Some run in packs to other places Ub’M’Gluc not know.”
    By the time Ub’M’Gluc had finished his report, the entire cavern was in an uproar with agitated goblins scratching and clawing and snapping their teeth.  Ub’M’Gluc concluded his report with the official, “Please please not hang Ub’M’Gluc by toes, Most Exalted One!”
    To Ub’M’Gluc’s astonishment, Ha’Akch’Grupp was smiling a toothy grin, excepting of course his left upper canine which had been bashed out by his own sibling, the late Ha’Kruk’Grupp, in a brawl over a skurl-rat.  The brawl was not considered by most to be a notable goblin brawl and was almost worthless from an entertainment standpoint.  Ha’Akch’Grupp lost his tooth, Ha’Kruk’Grupp lost a sizable piece of his cranium, and the skurl-rat escaped being roasted on a spit.
    The chieftain’s eyes were aglow as he dug his claws into the hides and furs of his throne.  A major stonedrop had not occurred in a very long time.  Indeed, “a very long time” would have been an apt appraisal even if the stonedrop had been discovered by a human scout.  But what this event represented to goblins or, more specifically, to the Urrg-Gratch tribe was an opportunity for revenge upon the surface-dwellers and more importantly a means to gather armloads of wealth at little risk.  The chieftain cleared his throat with a guttural gurgle and the smile faded as he leaned forward toward the goblin scout.  He placed his hands on his hips and shouted, “Hah!  You lie, scout!  Where blood?”
    “Blood?  Oh, yes.  Blood, well, yes.  Much blood, er.  Um, yes, yes.  Uhh. Ub’M’Gluc roll in snow after war.  Yes.  Wash off blood of unclean humans.”
    Ha’Akch’Grupp was stumped momentarily, but then asked the scout,   “Hrrmmmm.  Treasure?  Humans have treasure?”
    “Oh, yes, Exalted One!  Humans have lots,” replied Ub’M’Gluc, completely misunderstanding the point of the chieftain’s question.
    “Rrrrrrgh!  Not!  Where treasure YOU get from war with humans?”
    Warming now to the task at hand and being quite pleased with himself to this point, Ub’M’Gluc proceeded to explain what happened to the treasures gleaned from  his recent battle.  “Treasure.  Right, yes, treasure was armloads.  Too much for Ub’M’Gluc.  Took many many things for giving to Exalted Ha’Akch’Grupp.  Uh. Treasure.  Arms full when humans come back.  Thump Ub’M’Gluc from behind with club.  Leave Ub’M’Gluc thinking is dead, but take all treasure.”  The scout lowered his eyes to the cavern floor to emphasize his emotions as he continued, “Ub’M’Gluc most sad cannot make present for chieftain.  Can only tell of stonedrop and glorywar.”
    Ha’Akch’Grupp scratched his chin with one pointed nail as he thought this over.  News of the hillgnarl stonedrop was indeed good news.  After several minutes of deep contemplation, Ha’Akch’Grupp finally turned to J’Gakk’Nurk the One-eyed and commanded, “Feed scout...”
    In excitement over his good fortune, Ub’M’Gluc dropped to his knees and bowed his head as the words came tumbling out, “Thank you, Exalted One!  Thank you!”
    Ha’Akch’Grupp, startled, turned with a frown to Ub’M’Gluc then back to J’Gakk’Nurk the One-eyed, asking in disbelief, “Scout interrupts chieftain?”
    J’Gakk’Nurk bowed once, answering obediently, “Yes, Exalted One.”
    “Hrrmmph.  Not matter.  Chieftain no care.  Ha’Akch’Grupp patient.  Will start over.  Feed scout to giant cave-wyrm.  Other scouts will learn bring treasure.”
    J’Gakk’Nurk the One-eyed bowed once, intoning the traditional, “As the Exalted One wishes...”