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Erik Jensen

"The Coya Crisis" by Erik Jensen

SciFi/Fantasy text 1 out of 25 by Erik Jensen
 
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Sorry... It's a surprise. But the main character is Valorian. Some 3,160 words, or about seven pages, so don't start unless you mean it. Second version. Please comment.
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←- Arcane Magic | Coya 2 -→

Gabriel Battlemaster was, in physical form, like thousands of other Valorian soldiers. He was tall, fair-haired, athletically built and he had gentle blue eyes. He had become a lieutenant during the Fourth Colonial War against Lithwar.

In the colonial wars, heavy cavalry was hard to put into use, and the usual superiority of Valoria over Lithwar on the ground was thus not as outspoken as usual. The war was a minor one, with most clashes being between Valorian frigates and Lithwarian galleys, which usually resulted in the loser escaping to fight another day.

Gabriel had taken part in most of the land skirmishes, functioning as Principal Lieutenant of the 3rd heavy infantry division. He and his men had done rather well, and lately the war had deteriorated into the siege of two Valorian colonies and three Lithwarian ones. With the pause in mobile ground fighting, Gabriel's men were relieved and sent home to recuperate. Having joined the army at 17, Gabriel had not yet established his own family, and at 26 he still lived with his mother and father on their farm just south-east of Arvanon when he was not on duty.

One particularly cool day in august while the family was preparing for the harvest, a messenger wearing the coat of arms of the Irongauntlet family, a black gauntlet on blue background, came riding to the Battlemaster farm. The messenger, a sergeant, rode a large black horse and was armed with sword and crossbow. Like many Valorians around Ironmaw Castle, the sergeant had black hair, but his physique was identical to that of other Valorian soldiers. He rode into the yard and was greeted by Gabriel's father, Salomon, a farmer in his late forties with a tan complexion from working the fields. Salomon's beard was beginning to show the first signs of grey unlike his hair, which was bleached in the sun from rarely wearing a hat. In one hand he was holding the scythe he had been sharpening.

"Peace of the Gods, sergeant," Salomon said, as was the custom in the very cosmopolitan Arvanon area.

"May Palantharis give you just bounty," the sergeant replied. One of Gabriel's younger brothers held the black horse as the sergeant dismounted and presented himself.

"I am Sergeant Steelblade, and I've been sent to bring a message to Lieutenant Gabriel Battlemaster." He took off his riding glove and the two men shook hands, the battle-hardened soldier and the work-hardened farmer both with firm grips and with mutual respect.

"He is my son," Salomon stated and nodded towards the approaching form of Gabriel, who had seen the rider approaching and was coming to find out what was going on. The sergeant immediately walked towards Gabriel, and upon reaching him he saluted.

"Sir, I was sent from Ironmaw Castle with a message to Lieutenant Battlemaster." Gabriel returned the salute and received the note with some surprise. He opened the official Irongauntlet seal. As he did so, he felt a slight shiver down his spine.

The document was clear and to the point:

 

"To: Lieutenant Gabriel Battlemaster, 3rd heavy infantry division

From: Lord Irongauntlet of Ironmaw Castle

Your presence is immediately needed in Ironmaw for a diplomatic mission in Yontar. Your leave of absence is hereby terminated indefinitely. You are to leave this documentation with your family and proceed immediately with the execution of your orders."

 

Gabriel blinked a few times with a surprised look on his face. Then he looked at Sergeant Steelblade.

"I'll need your horse, sergeant."

"Yes, Sir." Gabriel immediately went and mounted the black horse.

"What's going on?" his father asked, looking up at him.

"I've been called into service in Ironmaw Castle. I'll send word as soon as I can." It tore at his heart to leave without a proper farewell, especially to his mother, but he had no choice. The order was clear, and the seal was that of Lord Irongauntlet himself. He turned the horse and galloped off directly south. He didn't look back.

The Irongauntlet family was legend. They were the only noble family that had not been stripped of title and land after the Revolution, and that was because the Irongauntlets had wholeheartedly worked with the Palantharins in overthrowing the king and establishing the present theocracy. The head of the family had always been the greatest military strategist in Valoria throughout the eleven generations since the revolution. There was no doubt the family had been blessed, but which god had done it was not easily discerned.

Most Irongauntlets worshipped Palantharis as did almost all Valorians, but the fierce ways of the family compared to the rest of Valorian society and their skill in warfare had given rise to some speculation whether they were blessed by Baine, the god of defensive warfare, or perhaps Torm, the god of guardians. At any rate, the Irongauntlets were widely trusted by the Council, and their recommendations when wars were fought were always followed.

The Irongauntlets had never welcomed war. Maybe that was just because they knew how unpopular such an opinion was with the clergy and the population in general, or maybe they just considered war a dangerous path that might expose Valoria. It was just as likely that the concepts behind Irongauntlet thinking was beyond most mortals; that point of view was generally accepted among the populace, who had often witnessed apparently insignificant details that turned out crucial. One example was the training of the light cavalry units in the use of bows from horseback. It had turned out to be exactly what was needed to stop a unit of black orcs that had appeared out of the Iron Mountains three years later, causing great havoc in the Third Orc War. With no decisive response to the mounted archers, who easily evaded melee combat and had complete superiority over the orcs on the distance, even the black orcs had been forced to retreat. The mounted archers were constant companions to the heavy cavalry units after that, forming a deadly combination that proved capable of winning every conflict they ever got into.

Gabriel knew the land around Arvanon well, and he rode directly to the nearest fords of the Middle River and the Dwarf River, both of which he had to cross to get to Ironmaw Castle. He could have followed the road and used the bridges, but cutting across the open country he would travel in a straighter line, provided he didn't get lost. But he had grown up in this region and he found his way without trouble.

The horse possessed surprising stamina. Gabriel's best guess what that it had run for at least two hours before he mounted it, and it was nowhere near tired as the sun westerned. Gabriel made his way to a small patrol tower where he knew he would find a place to stay for the night. He couldn't ride in the dark without risk of a mishap, and he and the horse needed to eat.

He arrived at the tower just before the sun set. It was a brick building of three stories, a sturdy, square tower on the top of the tallest hill in the immediate area. Half of the ground floor was taken up by the horse stables. Gabriel knew that from the top of the tower you could quickly get an overview of the surrounding landscape. If the tower had been closer to a road or a town, it would probably have been concealed inside the hill, but this was so far from the beaten track that nobody would notice either way. The tower had to be visible, since it was more a means of establishing a presence, in an otherwise desert area, than it was a means of surveillance. There was nowhere for spies or robbers to hide in the relatively flat grassland.

The resident patrolmen welcomed Gabriel with open arms. They had been informed that he might come by this way, and they were glad to have a distraction from the otherwise rather dull life of the far-off patrolman. Gabriel was even more puzzled when he found out that they had received the message of his journey. He could not imagine a diplomatic mission to which he was crucial. He had never been on one before, and he was sure there were plenty of soldiers that could fill the same role that he was about to. He was not going to question his orders, though, especially when they came from Lord Irongauntlet himself. Gabriel reassured himself that he would find out what was expected of him soon enough.

One of the patrolmen took care of the black horse for the night, and as Gabriel cooled down from his long ride and tried to go to sleep, his thoughts drifted to what the mission might be about. As far as he knew, Valoria and Yontar had a pretty good relationship for the time being. They had their differences, of course, but there was plenty of trade going on, and there had seldom been fewer troops in the border region than there was right now. There had even been a combined effort of the Valorian and Yontarian navies to root out a group of pirates that had taken to evading warships by entering into the national waters of the other country.

The agreement to let naval vessels chase pirates until a local ship could take over had required some time to negotiate, but once in place it had proven to be remarkably effective. With the war in the colonies, piracy had increased in the seas off of Yontar. The heavy concentration of warships around the colonies had forced the pirates to relocate.

Gabriel realized that he knew very little of Yontarian foreign policy, and almost none about how they dealt with other countries than Valoria. He would know soon enough, he reasoned. With his evening prayer he managed to chase all thoughts from his mind, and he went to sleep.

Waking just before the first rays of light, Gabriel rose quickly. Being an infantryman he was not accustomed to long rides, and most muscles in his body ached. He stretched and flexed, trying to get rid of as much stiffness as he could. He was happy to find out that the cook had been up early to prepare his breakfast, and he ate a hearty meal. He was given a standard ration as the black horse was brought out from the stables, and he was on his way not much more than a quarter of an hour after sunup.

The black horse seemed no worse for wear, and Gabriel set a strong pace on south.

After an hour's ride he could make out the road that led through the foothills of the Mortras Mountains and he set his course for it. He saw the day's first traffic from Ironmaw Castle pass north-east along the road. As he reached the road, he got his first view of Ironmaw Castle.

He had seen Crossroad Keep many times, and somehow he was expecting Valoria's second great fortification to be something like that. But the tall, white mountain of Crossroad Keep was nothing like Ironmaw Castle. The fortress lay in the shade on the enormous last spur of the Mortras Mountains, and it seemed almost as if it had been carved out of the mountainside. It was dark almost to the point of being black; the walls and towers were lower and thicker than those of Crossroad Keep, and the serrated parapets looked like teeth or scales.

The outer wall lay like a great serpent, or a dragon perhaps, demonstratively defiant on the edge of the cliff. The road winded up the cliff for miles, and every yard was exposed to the defenders on the walls above. And once on level with the outer wall, a great gate of iron and black stone, the reason for the naming of this fortress, lay like the open maw and powerful jaws of the serpent.

Behind the outer wall lay the main keep, black and impenetrable, even unreachable, so high up that the blackness of it seemed to threaten the blue sky itself. It was a monumental fortress, and Gabriel knew that on the south side, deep down where the only ford of the Waterwall River was, the castle seemed even more threatening to the beholder, who would see the side that was meant for battle. Ironmaw castle guarded the ford and the only southern pass in the Mortras Mountains that could be used by an army. Gabriel shook off the feeling of smallness, thanking Palantharis that he came as a servant to the lord of the Ironmaw, and not as an enemy.

The horse seemed to know the way and began up the road eagerly. Whether it was the incredibly hard rise or the long distance they had already come, Gabriel eventually had to dismount for fear of exhausting the horse. He thought about the stupidity of the king, who had laid siege to Ironmaw Castle during the revolution. Only dwarves could hope to breach the outer wall, and there were tunnels under the main keep that led to the caverns of the dwarves. Starving Lord Irongauntlet was not an option either.

As he finally made it to the gate, he was greeted by the captain at the gate. He was a short man by Valorian standards, and he had short black hair and no beard. He wore a solid breast plate of some dark metal and the blue and black coat of arms of the Irongauntlets. Gabriel saluted, a bit wearily.

"Ah, you must be Lieutenant Battlemaster. Welcome to Ironmaw Castle. The Lord has ordered that you be sent to him as soon as you've recovered from your journey."

Stablehands came to take care of the horse, and servants led Gabriel to a chamber with food and a bath. A clean uniform also laid ready for him there. Gabriel wolfed down the meal and then washed off the sweat and the dust of the journey. Just as he finished with the last button on the clean clothes, a servant entered the room.

"Please follow me, Sir. The Lord is awaiting your arrival." Gabriel breathed deeply, and followed the servant to the main keep. He was surprised to find out that Lord Irongauntlet was going to spend time on him personally. He quickly summoned up the correct titles and wordings used to deal with the Irongauntlets.

The gate guards let the two through the gate, and once inside the path was clear. There was a large hall just inside the tower. As a soldier, Gabriel couldn't help noticing how everything was constructed so that it was possible to turn the hall into an easily defendable stand. There were plenty of people waiting for their turn to do whatever they had come to do, both civilians and soldiers. Twelve secretaries with as many desks were dealing with them. The hall had six large pillars along the sides, and the area behind it lay in the shadows. Gabriel guessed that there were doors leading to all sorts of places in the main keep in the shade, and he occasionally noticed someone walking quietly from one side to another. On the whole, the area was remarkably quiet considering the amount of people in it.

At the end of the hall was a massive double door, which was currently closed. The door was beautifully carved and depicted many grim-faced men in full battle armour. As Gabriel and the servant approached the twin doors, they were opened from the other side. Gabriel noticed that the doors only appeared to be made of oak; they were actually made of steel, each hinged on six mighty hinges that had been skilfully concealed by the artwork on the walls and the doors.

Beyond the doors was the presence chamber, an enormous hall stretching for more than a hundred yards. It was lined by pillars similar to those in the hall. There were trophies, weaponry and artwork everywhere on the walls and armour stood along it; There were captured standards and standards of dismantled armies, there were weapons of kings and princes, the skulls of three enormous dragons complete with horns and teeth, a full southern war chariot, shields with the coat of arms of beaten commanders, pictures of the mighty Lord Irongauntlets, treasures given as tribute in ancient times, holy symbols of all the different religious orders that had lost battles to the Irongauntlets; all that and much more, some of it so foreign that Gabriel couldn't tell what it was. At the far wall, there was an enormous round stained glass window. At the current the sun didn't shine through it, but Gabriel could imagine what a magnificent sight it must be at the right time. In the middle of the window was depicted a dark gauntlet holding a shining white sword; it was the combination of the Irongauntlet and the Palantharin Sword of Justice. In front of the window was a tall throne on top of three steps. The throne was in the shape of a gauntlet with the five fingers reaching upwards behind the one sitting in it.

Right now the throne was empty, and there were several people standing at the foot of it. Judging from their attitudes they were apparently discussing something of some importance, and one of them was holding a large book; he occasionally opened it to and read short parts to the others. One person in particular grabbed Gabriel's attention. He was taller than any of those around him, tall even for a Valorian. He was clad in a black full plate armour, and a page who seemed small in comparison held the helmet. The man had short black hair and bushy black eyebrows. His gaze fell on Gabriel, as if he had felt Gabriel's observation. Even at fifty paces it seemed to Gabriel that Lord Irongauntlet's gaze was impossible to bear. It was as though the rest of the world paled and became silent, and Gabriel's heart beat wildly in his chest as he looked down. Gabriel felt as if he was being held by an immensely large hand and that hand pressed on his chest making it almost impossible to breathe. Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, the feeling expired as Lord Irongauntlet turned his gaze to the person currently talking. Gabriel had heard tales of the gaze of Lord Irongauntlet, but he had thought they were a bit exaggerated. He breathed deeply once and picked up his pace and caught up with the servant.

Lord Irongauntlet interrupted the currently speaking man and gestured towards Gabriel. He spoke, and his voice was strong and dark, terrifying and commanding even as he spoke quietly.

"Enough of this. Lieutenant Battlemaster has arrived." Gabriel bowed deeply with his right hand on his chest and the left at his side.

"Mighty Lord, I stand before you, summoned by your command. I come to serve."

←- Arcane Magic | Coya 2 -→

DateNameComment 
9 Mar 2003:-) Debra Lynn Turpin
This is the first of your Valorian world I have read. It appears to flow from you like conversing with a good friend. That's impressive. This story is a good strong beginning. You've set the stage very well.
I do have some nit-picks about specific things. I don't usually tear into someone's work from an editorial view, but these things just glared at me...

"One particularly cool day in august while the family was preparing for the harvest, a messenger wearing the coat of arms of the Irongauntlet family, a black gauntlet on blue background, came riding to the Battlemaster farm. The messenger, a sergeant, rode a large black horse and was armed with sword and crossbow. Like many Valorians around Ironmaw Castle, the man had black hair, but his physique was identical to that of other Valorian soldiers. He rode into the yard and was greeted by Gabriel's father, Salomon, a man in his late forties with a tan complexion from working the fields. His beard was beginning to show the first signs of grey unlike his hair, which was bleached in the sun. In one hand he was holding the scythe he had been sharpening." - I'm confused as to who is being described. The messenger or Salomon. Dark hair that's bleached? Or is the beard bleached? I read it a couple of times, honest! But going straight from the messenger to the descriptive made me wonder if it was the messenger (albeit it would make sense that this is Salomon, because the messenger is just filler) or Salomon... I had to reflect on this though...

The Irongauntlet family was legend. - This paragraph is very long. I thought maybe you might want to break it up, oh long about this sentence... "The Irongauntlets had never welcomed war."

"The mounted archers were constant companions to the heavy cavalry units after that, forming a deadly combination that proved capable of winning every conflict they ever got into ** since they appeared." ** I didn't think that "since they appeared was really necessary here.

"The horse possessed a surprising stamina." - The "a" isn't necessary here, either.

"Half of the ground floor were stables for the horses." - this seems a bit incomplete. Maybe adding "used as" after were, taking out "for the horses" - ie: Half of the ground floor were used as stables.

"As far as he knew, Valoria and Yontar had a pretty good relationship at the current." - current what? I assume "current time."

I really liked this. Although these things glared at me a bit as I first read this through, I had to hunt for them before I commented!

I'll be back to visit more of your world. Doth seem an interesting place!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Not being a native speaker, all corrections to language are very useful to me. In the second version, the things you mention are dealt with, but I really didn't understand the lack of clarity with the description of the messenger. Anyway, I made some minor modifications, just to be sure. I hope it cleared something up."
12 Mar 2003:-) Emilie Aurora Finn
You put it up!! *skips happily* This one is really good. I have such a clear sense, not only of the characters and of Ironmaw Castle, but also of the Valorian countryside. Without being terribly long-winded, you've managed to convey to us the distance Gabriel had to travel, and what the journey was like.

I love that throne! I'm sure it intimidates the person standing before it, but it must also be intimidating to sit on. It gives yet another sense of Lord Irongauntlet's incredible will and power.

I can't wait to see you take this further! I'm so glad it's up!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "I'm glad you're glad. Thanks!"
13 Mar 2003:-) Ira Robinson
Very well done, I enjoyed it immensely. And like one of the previous commenters said, I will be back looking for more of this world to come about 1

Keep it up and congrats on mods choice!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "I hope I'll be seeing you around, then. "
13 Mar 200345 Lindsey Butler
Well I won't waste space with a terribly long comment after all you know precisely what I think of this. But I am so happy you've put it up on Elfwood. And I'm rather smug to see that it made Mod's Choice. Congrats. I think this is very well done Erik and obviously so do the moderators!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Thanks anyway. As for the moderators, only one of them thought this was 'good', and to put things on the edge, this may just be the third least horrible thing he/she read recently. That's just one person. I'm not trying to put down mod's choice, I'm just trying to convey my feeling that this is no more valuable than the opinion of you or anyone else who reads this. I appreciate your views exactly as much as those of the moderators."
14 Mar 2003:-) Aimee ' Igorina ' Duncan
Good heavens, Erik...never mind the storyline (which is great and very intriguing so far don't get me wrong) the details are just staggering and fabulous. I especially liked the description of the castle and the background story you had on the Irongauntlet family. You seem to have such concrete ideas concerning this particular world of yours and again I see that knowledge of warfare and politics coming to the foreground to lend it all an authentic air. Well done indeed and congrats on mod's choice.

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Thank you. I'm glad you liked the description of Ironmaw Castle, since it's supposed to hint at what kind of person Lord Irongauntlet is.As for knowledge of politics and warfare, I'm faking it. I just take what seems correct and right, and use it in my stories. Since it's my world, I can do that. Just another reason for writing fantasy: I'm lazy. "
23 Mar 2003:-) Segun Williams
Congratulations on the Moderator's Choice. Excellent description. I liked the description of Lord Irongauntlet's gaze the best. There are no glaring errors I see, so I'll let this go at that. Good work.

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Maybe you saw the second version, where the errors and mistakes pointed out by previous commenters had been smoothed out as best I could. Thanks."
14 Apr 2003:-) Patricia Farnan
I love the names you give things, like Irongauntlet and Ironmaw and Battlemaster 2 Let me know I’m in a high-fantasy world! And I always love to know that of course! Here is a technical comment (and it shows how high in quality your writing usually is, because it’s really the only kind of thing I can criticise about it!)
* He could have followed the road and used the bridges, but cutting across the open country he would travel in a straighter line, provided he didn't get lost. But he had grown up in this region and he found his way without trouble.* “…but cutting across” and “But he had grown up…” the two ‘but’s sound a bit repetitive.
I like this:
* Gabriel shook off the feeling of smallness, thanking Palantharis that he came as a servant to the lord of the Ironmaw, and not as an enemy.* Heehee. I share his thanks! 14
There are a few other technical comments I could make but I don’t have time and also I haven’t actually finished reading it (though nearly!), and it’s 8:17 am (gotta get ready for work – poohey!). So I’ll be back!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Yeah, work is horrible, but what can ou do? Anyway, thanks for the comment. I really need those pointers, since English isn't exactly my primary language, so I value those as much as comments on the story as such. I hope you'll like the rest of the story as much as the first part."
12 Feb 200445 Gunnar
Hey Erik.
Here is the comment you for so long now have asked of me. It’s no secret that I know your world better than most others around here. Therefore I am not as impressed by it as others seem to be. That been said, I’ve also been surprised once in awhile. Especially in this text I was surprised to find out so much more about southern Valoria. Normally this is a transit area, witch you travel without any encounters, what so ever.
I love this text (the first one in ‘the Coya crisis’) and for several reasons. First of all you know me; I’m a sucker for the huge and bombastic. Second I like your descriptions, the details (head that before, huh?) but also the light, colours and moods the metaphors give (e.g. “One particularly cool day in august” or “…and it was nowhere near tired as the sun westerned.” and “The outer wall lay like a great serpent, or a dragon perhaps, demonstratively defiant on the edge of the cliff.” There’s more but I guess you get the picture). I was also surprised at how badly I knew Ironmaw castle.

If I would have to come up with some criticism it would be the tempo of the story. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “you have way too much to tell, to put it in a short story”. There is many shorter stories in this text, and although they are important, they also seems to disturb the flow. What I mean is Battlemaster is travelling very fast, and when you then for instance uses three paragraphs to describe the Irongauntlets in the middle of his travel it disturbs the flow in the story. I’m not a writer my self so I don’t have a solution for this (other than perhaps to slow battlemasters travelling a bit – with some more discribtions?).
If you still don’t know what I mean; read the arrival at Ironmaw, that is the best part. In my humble opinion that has a god mix; it’s keeping pace while describing the castle. I LOVE IT!

Fore obvious reasons I’m not going to comment on your grammar 1

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Southern Valoria is a transit area in the sense that you never find anything in the area that you ought to encounter lance-first. This is Valorian territory after all. You usually travel to and from Crossroad Keep or Kwell Thrig and are too busy getting along to the adventure to stop and look at architecture. Regarding your knowledge of Ironmaw Castle: I guess I've rarely taken many pains in describing these places to you. Perhaps I took your knowledge of them for granted, which is obviously a mistake.Actually, Coya was never meant to be a short story, more like a series (fųljeton). I can see why you have problems with my very high pace and sudden stops, but as long as I write for Elfwood this will have to be the case. People here pop by, and anything too slow simply won't be read. Then I put in descriptions because they supposedly are my strong side. No wonder there are so few Russian authors here. The thing is, I'm anticipating later needs. The description of Valorian territory, for example, is needed to contrast Yontarians, and it helps explain why Gabriel acts and reacts the way he does. Apart from that, I guess people like Michael Ende (The Neverending Story) have influenced my writing, and I feel doing this precise thing is 'right'. But I take your point.I'm not too displeased with the way the arrival at Ironmaw came out, either. Thank you very much for your comments. Add 2000 XP and 5 Class Points as you see fit. Just kidding, of course."
2 Jan 200545 Jennifer Russo
I don't have any constructive criticism! ACK! The world must be coming to an end! You have a lot of skill at getting--and keeping--your readers' attention. There's no fluffy, pointless dreck in this story, as I so often see in other Wyvern's publications. Excellent work.

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "Thanks for the comment and your kind words. Pointing out what works is almost as useful as pointing out what doesn't."
11 Jan 2005:-) Ben C. Brannan
I feel like everything that could have been said, has been! Very, very good. I really like Lord Irongauntlet; he seems like my kind of person. I'm eager to read the second part!

:-) Erik Jensen replies: "I'm a great fan of Irongauntlet's myself, but I guess that comes as no surprise. "
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About 'The Coya Crisis':
 • Created by: :-) Erik Jensen
 • Copyright: ©Erik Jensen. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Gabriel, Lieutenant, Message, Irongauntlet, South, Ironmaw, Mission
 • Categories: Warrior, Fighter, Mercenary, Knights, Paladins
 • Views: 582


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