"Romeo and Juliet - A Parody" by Jackie D. Ozorio

Tim Tam and Malteser were strolling along the Confectionery aisle. It was a dark night in Safeway, and the moonlight that filtered onto the linoleum was a bright contrast of silver on darkness.

“Oh, Malteser,” said Tim, his voice sad and dreamy. “How I love her so. But Alas! She is a Vegetable and I am a Confectionery. There is no hope for a future together.”

Malteser, for once not leaping around and jesting, rolled along thoughtfully. “I do not wish to further upset you, my friend, but word has it that your beloved Celery is soon to be wed to County Carrot.”

“Woe is me! Isn’t there some way…some way at all…?”

Malteser thought quietly as they approached the end of the aisle. After a moment he grinned wickedly. “You know, Tim, the Vegetables are holding a grand ball this evening. I believed it’s masked. What say we go and sneak in?”

“Oh, Malteser! You’re a genius!”

So sneak in they did, Malteser disguised as a snow pea, and Tim disguised as a healthy yoghurt bar. By the light of the freezers Tim spied his beloved, the beautiful Celery, twirling and pirouetting as she danced with a cucumber. Tim moved closer and cut into the dance, sliding along until he was level with Celery.

“You look magnificent in green,” said Tim. “It suits you.”

“Have we met?” asked Celery. “You’re awfully short for a yoghurt bar.”

“Er ,” Tim stammered, but then the next song came on, played by the band of mushrooms, and he and Celery danced the night away.

Afterwards, while Tim and Malteser walked back along the checkout counter conveyor belt, something completely unexpected happened.

Watermelon was Celery’s cousin, and he loved a good fight. He also especially hated the Confectioneries.

“Ho, there,” he called, rolling out from behind a pile of Disney Adventures magazines. “I saw you dancing with my dear cousin Celery at the masque, Tim Tam.”

“What of it?” challenged Tim, coming forward. “Prince Lamington has forbidden any fighting, Watermelon. You can’t touch us.”

“Ah, but I demand a duel! Won’t you fight for your honour, Tim Tam?”

“Nay, I could not; Celery would not wish my fighting against her kin.”

“But I will duel with you, Watermelon! Let us fight!”

Before Tim could prevent it, Watermelon and Malteser were going at each other. A Roll to the Death.

A three kilo watermelon against a one gram malteser is not a winning fight. For the malteser. Once Malteser realised this he cried for help. “Tim Tam! Save me!”

But it was too late. There was a sickening crunch and all that was left of Malteser was a fine brown powder. It stirred slightly, and a fading moan whispered through the disbelieving silence.

“A plague…a plague on both your aisles!” And Malteser died.

“NOOOO!” screamed Tim, and attacked Watermelon with the fiery vengeance of a Jalapeno. Watermelon stumbled under the force of Tim’s assault, and rolled clear off the checkout counter.

There was a wet splat and a watery gurgle, and Tim looked down to see that Watermelon had split into a dozen pieces.

“Oh,” Tim murmured, and then broke into a full-fledged sob. “I am Fortune Cookie’s Fool!”

“What, ho!” someone called. Tim looked up just as the Prince Lamington himself rode in, backed by his army of gingerbread men. “Tim Tam Confectionery! But look - you have slain Watermelon Vegetable!”

“Technically, watermelons are fruits,” a gingerbread man put in mildly, but Prince Lamington silenced him with a murderous look before turning back to Tim.

“This is unacceptable. I declared that such happenings would cease, but you, Tim Tam, have disobeyed me. I have no choice but to exile you - to the Front of the Shelf!”

Tim Tam’s double-chocolate coating paled. “No, not the Front of the Shelf,” he whispered. “No. No! NOOOOOO!”

“It is done! Be gone, exile!” And Prince Lamington rode away.

***

For what seemed an eternity Tim Tam sat unhappily at the Front of the Shelf, fearing for his life every moment. He desperately longed to see his beloved Celery again. One day, just before Closing Time, Tim Tam was visited by Cabbage, Celery’s nurse. She looked up at him from the floor and called urgently.

“Hark, Tim Tam! I bear sad news!”

“Tell me, Cabbage! What is this news? And how fares my love, Celery?”

“Hush, child, and listen. At the break of dawn came the Trolley. We Vegetables did our utmost to save her, but…”

“But what?” asked Tim, already knowing - and dreading - the answer.

“Our dearest Celery was taken. Taken!”

Tim sank down against the edge of the Shelf. “No, this can’t be! I have lived in agony for two and three-quarters of a day! And now this! Oh, death would have been sweeter than this, Cabbage. Banishment, exile…it is fearful, waiting and watching for the Trolleys and worse - the dreaded Red Baskets. But now, dear Cabbage, I fear them not, for my one true love is gone, GONE!!”

“But Tim Tam, do you speak of…of…oh, I can’t say it!”

“I do, Cabbage. And I will, when one shows next. I will…I will Jump the Basket!”

Cabbage gasped and rolled hurriedly away without another word.

It wasn’t long before a Red Basket approached. Tim’s heart was all aflutter, but he leapt - ay, he leapt - and he fell into the Red Basket, not knowing what terrible fate awaited him.

It was, in fact, Tea and Biscuits.