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Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson

"Why? (Part One)" by Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson

SciFi/Fantasy text 15 out of 15 by Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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Ah... well. This is a rather interesting little bit of insanity. It's a collaborated story, used with full permision by the both of us. I suppose it could be called a satire... if we were satiring anything in particular.
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←- Sfere | Shadowsinger - Chapter One -→

Okibi

"YOU ARE TOO!!"

"ARE NOT!"

Finally taking a deep breath, I (being at last satisfied that my reflection was indeed argumentative enough) pulled my hair back and went for a martini.

Kisaki

Bah! People! Bah, bah and double bah! I ordered 10 yards of black silk, and what did they give me? Pink satin! The… the… infidels! They should be executed in the most painful way possible! No! That's too good for them! Grrr! I kicked the nearest guard in the shins. Well, almost the shins… a bit higher. He curled up in a ball on the floor in the fetal position and moaned. I considered him a moment, then kicked him again for good measure.

Okibi

After plucking my small dragon from the cup, I downed the martini in a gulp and felt more awake. Gazing out of the window of my sky-city room I beheld the glistening lake that we were passing over. What beauty. *Choke* Where'd that come from? Gag me… I hate water… ah, time for my bath.

Kisaki

I mean, what the heck? Pink?! How on earth can one possibly be a convincing evil sorceress empress in pink? I mean, I'm all for nonconformity but that goes too far! Drat them!

Okibi

Donning my black satin medieval gown (complete with sword and scabbard) I downed another martini and went to the war room. Marching elegantly in, I immediately stated a solution to the argument calmly and gracefully. "WE MUST DUCT TAPE! Duct tape a line through the woods we share with the Empress and do it NOW!" Having bellowed my lungs out, I felt much better and went to the kitchens in search of pixy stix.

Kisaki

Hmm… note to self; find a new way to torture all people wearing, giving or otherwise advocating pink. Something suitably horrible for its heinousness. I mentally stored that, then got on with the business of the day.

"Bob! Bob!" Where on earth was the fool? "Bob!"

"My name is Joshua ma'am." said the diffident sandy haired man standing next to me.

"If I say your name is Bob, it's Bob! Got it? And what have I told you about calling me ma'am?"

"Yes… but… my mother always said-"

"Screw your mother."

"Yes m… mistress"

Okibi

"GEORGE! GET YOUR MISERABLE CORPOREAL FRAME IN HERE NOW!" I greatly enjoy bellowing.

"Umm… milady… I'm already here."

"I AM NOT A LADY! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT YOU SCUM!" Bellowing eases all stress.

"Yes your Nihilistness, my humble apologies, I am scum."

"YOU ARE NOT! YOU'RE LOWER THAN SCUM! YOU ARE PINK SCUM! THE LOWEST AND MOST VILE OF ALL THINGS!"

Being argumentative also helps. Especially since the art of bellowing requires very delicate conditions. The day started well, the rookie has been broken. Bye George-that-was, hello mindless idiot #1,399,426,533.

Kisaki

"How dare you? I am not your mistress! I am no ones 'mistress'! I may be an evil overlordess bent on the overthrow and eventual destruction of the universe, but I am not that kind of girl! I've got moral standards!"

"I beg your pardon mis… er… ah… that's not what I mea… aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!"

I looked down at his disembodied head on the ground.

"That's quite alright, old boy. I'm sure it won't happen again."

Okibi

Bending down to where George was kneeling, I snatched the pixy stix from his hand and promptly whacked him upside the head with them.

"NOW FLEE FROM MY PRESENCE, BEFORE I HAVE TO BE NICE! DON'T MAKE ME GO THERE! IT'S NOT PRETTY!"

Apart from stress relief, bellowing's good lung and throat exercise. Watching George cringe away, then turn and run, gives me a good sense of accomplishment. A job well done. It's thought to be a bad job, but it's a bad job done well.

Kisaki

There are some things you just don't say to a well brought up girl. Especially a well brought up girl with a knife.

"I need a new Bob! Bob! You!" I pointed to an unsuspecting thrall. Poor stupid sod. "You! You're my new Bob, got it?"

"Yes mistress!" Thud. Bounce. Another thud.

"Yo! Someone? Anyone? I need a new Bob!" Good help is so hard to find.

Okibi

As I stood staring out the window a thought came to me… a thought so wonderfully bewildering, so terrifyingly corrupt, so awesomely downright evil that it took my breath away. 'I can DOMINATE!' War must be declared on the nearest neighbor we had! The Empress! Perfect! Well, ok so it wasn't perfect, it had to be mended… but it was a start.

"TO THE WAR ROOM! AND GEORGE!! GET ME MORE MARTINIS!!!"

Kisaki

Drat it! Now what am I supposed to do? I wandered through the cold stone corridors of my drafty cold stone castle. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so quick to kill the last one. Nah. Terminal stupidity deserved its reward. But how am I supposed to take over the world without a drudge to follow my every command and grovel at my feet in terror? It just isn't done! Humph! Had these idiots never read a fantasy book in their lives? Standard plotline, ya know. Evil sorceress bent on world domination, loyal minions who follow her every command; the standard, really. Not that difficult. The easy part, in fact. Torture, lying, cheating, stealing, delving into the dark secrets into which no human should ever delve, ect. Not exactly taxing on the brain cells even for the people in charge; they always use the same plan. All the servants had to do was follow her every whim; was that too much to ask?!

Okibi

Plunging into the preparations with more than the usual amount of enthusiasm and zeal, I eagerly bellowed instructions and demands, determined to keep everyone on their toes. Midway through I noticed that the General was getting overconfident. Hmmm.

"WHERE'S MY MARTINIS? GENERAL!!! GET ME A MARTINI!" He just stared at me for a few moments then turned to order a minion to do it. "NO I BELIEVE I TOLD YOU TO GET ME ONE! NOW!!!" His mouth dropped. That's it. No more chances. He began stuttering. Whoops my sword slipped. "GEORGE!! MY MARTINI! NOW!"

Kisaki

I came upon a servant cleaning a window, who immediately upon seeing me turned and fled in terror.

"I'd stop if I were you." I said quite pleasantly. He stopped.

"Y…ye…"

"No don't say anything. Not a single blasted thing."

He nodded.

"Your name is Bob."

He made as if to protest. I just looked at him.

"Y…"

"Hmm?"

He nodded.

"Good. Now. I'm declaring war on that Yiddish upstart, understand?"

Nod.

"Go get a group of men to go put a duct tape line down the center of the woods that are our border ASAP."

"Err…"

"Yes?"

"What… ah… does… ASAP… mean?" he cringed.

"As soon as possible."

"Oh… ah."

Silence.

"Well?"

"Going!"

Okibi

Well, I saw them off. Hey… didn't I only send George on that assignment? Why were there five men? Ah well.

"MORE MARTINIS!"

Kisaki

A pax on humanity! They all must die!

Okibi

"WHERE'S MY MARTINIS?!? BRING THEM TO ME NOW!" Where's George when I need him? Bellowing is my life, but most of that life is specifically bellowing at George.

Kisaki

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean, really. World domination? It sounds good, I admit, but what's the real practical value? It's not like I could change anything, for good or for ill. They're all idiots, every last one of them. They'll follow whoever is leading, through fire or off a cliff, then stab 'em in the back when no one's looking. And why? For no real reason. I doubt they could even tell you. I think they must enjoy being unhappy… they certainly rebel enough when one tries to fix things, and follow blindly along when you try to screw things up for the worse. But I suppose it's something to do… a goal to strive for that might possibly give some meaning to a meaningless existence…

Nah.

But it'll be fun.

Okibi

"Your Nihilistness? George has returned from the duct tape mission." Good.

"GEORGE! GET ME A FRIKIN MARTINI! IT SEEMS TO BE TOO HARD FOR THESE INCOMPETENT SLIME BAGS TO DO! GET ME A MARTINI!!" Welcome home Georgie.

Kisaki

Hmmm... time for a troop inspection.

"Bob! Bob!"

"Yes... ma'...ah...mis...ah...Empress of the Universe?"

"Hmmm... not too bad. That'll do for now." He sagged with relief. "Go tell the troops to line up for inspection."

"Yes your Imperial Emperessness."

"Er.." He fled. I sauntered down to the courtyard. Lovely. Stone corridors. Oh look, another stone corridor with suits of armor. Oh what a surprise! Another... oh wait. Potted plants? Parrots? Hmm. I wandered into the courtyard and glanced at the Soldiers of Darkness.

"You! What do you think you're holding?"

"Er... a sword."

"Did I issue a sword to you?"

"Er... no. Not that I can recall. Of course, I was a wee bit intoxicated at the time I was drafted, if ya know what I mean." I kicked him in the 'shins'.

"No alcohol. No swords. Capicio?"

"Er, I think that's Capice. Capicio is a small town in Italy, I believe." Crunch. Thud.

"Any more smart comments?"

Okibi <FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "GET ME Anotherwhaddadosetings? Uh... the.... uh... marti? Tiny? Martini? Yeah! GET ME ANOTHER MARTINI!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Umm... I don't want to be a bother..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Whaddaya want Georgie?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I-uh-think you've had enough."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "<B><U>WHAT?!?"</U></B></FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"><B><U></U></B> "Uh...I-uh...think... you've had enough?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "EXCUSE ME."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Uh... um..." Thwack, thud.... oops.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Aahhh. Kicking people always makes me feel better. Somehow it makes the whole world seem a bit brighter. Some people say the world only comes into focus through the bottom of a bottle; I say it comes into focus when someone is lying on the ground moaning in agony. Who needs alcohol?</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I NEED ALCOHOL! GET ME A @#*# MARTINI!!!" Oh lord... not again! "Little people!!! Noooo!" The workers looked around wildly for any who might be the guilty party. The direction I was looking in however, was completely empty to their eyes. "Demons! Little people! Go away! Leave me aloooooone!" The little people looked at each other and grinned....slowly..... grinned.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> La lalalalalala. Minstrel.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!" Minstrel with a lute shoved down his throat. Perhaps this job has its perks after all. Perhaps one cannot change humanity's basic nature, but one can at least get rid of its worst evils. Bad minstrels, mimes, and PINK. Oh, and daytime television.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Parcheesi! Parcheesi!" They watched me bounce around holding the little people's hands and jump in circles singing.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">Cut scene.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">Woods, several days later.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Mine! Mine! Mine! We will beat you with our little pitchforks!</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai! You freaky little fools! We were here first!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai Ai on you! It's OUR duct tape line!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai Ai Ai! I think not! We shall prevail!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai Ai Ai Ai! WE WILL RULE! DO NOT DARE TO TOUCH OUR DUCT TAPE LINE!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "YOUR duct tape line? Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai! No! Our duct tape line, foreign infidels!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Dream on! It's ours! Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!" The Yiddish ripped out their pitchforks and readied themselves for battle behind hay bales.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!" The Xhosites pulled out their bows and arrows, sharp knives, and long wooden staves with the sharp metal curved bits at the end (scythes! heheheh). "Bring it on!" Just before they could launch into battle, two lines of mimes, one from each side, came from nowhere and moved toward the duct tape line. Both armies froze, eyes widened in pure terror, as the mimes moved inexorably towards the source of their contention. Moving toward it, the lines of mimes collide, but not with each other. The minute they came to their side of the duct tape line, they halt abruptly as if they had hit a wall, and fall to the ground. They got to their feet, with mirroring expressions of puzzlement on their faces. As one, they reached up and touched the 'wall' in front of them. They look at each other and give exaggerated shrugs, then back up and try to run across again, with the same results. The Yiddish look at the Xhosites. The Xhosites look at the Yiddish. They nod. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ai Ai Ai!" They chanted in unison, and swarmed at the mimes. Afterwards, they tidied up the little bits of white that were strewn everywhere, mingled with bits of black scattered around. Turning, the Yiddish began pulling out their pitchforks, their grunts of effort mingling with the quiet moans of the dying. Even more difficult was the removal of the knives, because, for the most part, they had been embedded to the hilts in bone. Fortunately, there wasn't much skin left to impede their progress, seeing as how they had flayed it all of layer by layer; one man remarked that he had been needing new boots. And the Yiddish gathered the bits of cloth, commenting on how much they all liked quilting. The Xhosites rolled their eyes at the Yiddish.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "The bloody pheasants don't know how to do this war business! Quilts my foot. Humph! How can you have a satisfactory war with people making quilts?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Pheasants? Don't you mean peasants sir?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Pheasants? Peasants? I thought they were pheasants."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Oi!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well if they don't know how to do war right, we'll have to teach them. On the count of three... one....two... five!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Three sir!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Three!" He threw his long knife with huge force at the Yiddish leader, who was sitting with his back to them quilting, and then turned with a laugh to his comrades and was promptly decapitated by his own knife, which had richoched off the 'wall'. One of the mimes, long thought dead, pointed, laughed, said "I told you so!", gasped at the verbalizations exiting his mouth and promptly died. The universe then moved two feet sideways in shock, thus rearranging the very fabric of the space time continuum. The Xhosites and the Yiddish were too busy with their various tailory projects to notice. One Yid, pausing in his quilting raised his head.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What were we doing?" His Xhosite counterpart glanced up from his 'boots'.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Er... I think we were about to embark upon complete annihilation of one another."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ah yes, so sorry to have kept you waiting."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "S'alright, could happen to anyone ya know."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "So true, so true." The Yid stabbed him in the belly.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well finally! Took ya long enough!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I <U>said</U> I was sorry! But if you're going to act like that, fine! I'm not sorry!" The Yid stabbed him again for good measure and screamed in Yiddish "Ich wil derhargenen ir!" The entirety of the Yiddish horde screamed with the Lone Yid and charged the heathen Xhosites with their pitchforks.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hey. Wait, wait, wait!" said one of the Xhosites. "We've got to do this right!" They all stopped.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Did we forget something?" The Lone Yid sounded worried.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Where's the dramatic charge music?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Er... I don't suppose we could skip that? Just this once?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I think <U>not</U>! We have to have standards, after all." </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You do have a point."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "And the romantic interest. <U>No one</U> is going to take us seriously without the romantic interest."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "How dare you! I'm not like that!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No, no, no! Not between <U>us</U>!" </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Oh. That's alright then."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I don't suppose any of you is a female disguised as a warrior in order to follow your beloved into battle?" They all looked at each other.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Er...no. Don't think so."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Drat. Now what are we supposed to do?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Er..." he brightened "We could loot and pillage and <U>steal</U> a girl!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I don't know... that's not very romantic..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Play up the whole Barbarian thing... sweet girl taming the wild savage."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You've got a good point, friend."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Thank you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Only one problem."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I'm married, and judging by that ring on your finger, so are you." Numerous voices chimed in eagerly protesting "I'm not!" until they recognized the Lone Yid's raised hand.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "First of all, none of you is the leader-" He was drowned out by a chorus of 'we could be's. "Secondly, you don't exactly look very barbaric."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "...we've got pitchforks!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Er... do pitchforks qualify?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hmmm let me see..." He pulled out a worn book. "Pitchforks, pitchforks... pitch, burning... ah here we are. Pitchforks. 'A farm implement with three sharp ends, used by peasants when revolting or for storming the keep of a vampire. Used with torches. See also... nope. No reference to Barbarians."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Drat."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "So what qualifies a person to be a Barbarian?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hmmmm babes, barbeque, ah! Barbarians! Something about animal skins, long hair, beards and stones. Oh yeah, scantily clad and little or no manners, with no intelligible language. At least none that can be understood by anyone outside the intended party."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ah well, I don't think I could manage that."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You're married anyway."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well... couldn't you have.... oh I don't know... abducted her and used her in some pagan sacrifice?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What? We're not monsters you know."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You obviously don't know my wife." Sympathetic nods shook the lines of the men. "Well what about 'accidentally' killing her on a raid or something? You'd be doing us all a favor."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I don't know... that just doesn't seem Kosher. I want to help, I really do... well I suppose we could arrange something. Do you want to get your kids out first or something?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What those monsters?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "How old are they?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I have a three year old red head, a sixteen year old girl and crabby newborn twins boys."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You poor man!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "How have you made it?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "It's been hard let me tell you. Please tell me there's something you can do! I'm begging you!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "In those circumstances, how could I refuse?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Thank you!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You're quite welcome. Now I don't suppose.... in return... you could... umm well see, there's this girl I really like, but she's married. I don't have any kids but I'm married. You'd only have to take out two people. And we'd be even."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Sure old chum. I'll be glad to. What are friends for?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Thank you ol' boy. Now then... where were we?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well, we were going to fight, but I brought up a few things we needed first, you know the dramatic music and romantic interest?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hmmmm... well we could go with the revenge line... 'You killed my wife and kids and now you must die'?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yes I believe that could be an adequate substitution."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well that's one problem solved."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yeah. Now, what about verbal threats? Don't battles start out with things like 'And if I win I shall...' and so on?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Most of the time, I guess so. Now is there anything else we need before starting?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well, we have to go ransack a few villages and such."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Oh yes, how could I forget?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "And then we'll have to give speeches." The Lone Yid sighed. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ya know what?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "We don't get enough respect for this. I mean, no one realizes the amount of work we have to put in before we're allowed to annihilate each other. They act like we're mindless idiots who just like to kill things. They don't even think about the fact that we have a standard to meet..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yeah I know."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "But as my glorious leader Okibi always says. 'They think it's a bad job, but it's a bad job done well." The men nodded.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ok, so-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Oh wait!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What now?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Religion. But do we really need to mix that in too? Or should we skip it?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hmmm... I'll have to think about that. What about loyal sidekicks?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ooooh, me! Me! Me!" came a chorus of voices.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "And what about the loyal minions in the front line? And slaves in chains?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What are we totally unprepared for this?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "We don't even have a secret weapon or a mythical creature to strike terror into the opponents hearts!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Maybe we should go home and come back when we're more prepared."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Ok."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Goodnight."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Goodnight."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Drat this! Nothing to do! Bored! Aargh! No one will insult me or make smart comments to me! Perhaps I shouldn't have killed 'em all. Humph.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> Waking up with a very large hangover, I immediately reached for the martini that always sat ready on my nightstand. It wasn't there. Someone must PAY.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Bob! Bob!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes my Empress?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What do you know about interior decorating?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Er... nothing."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Good. I want you to rip up all these black velvet carpets and replace them with Astroturf."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Er... ma'am?</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yeeesssss?" I let the ma'am slide.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What's Astroturf?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Fake grass."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Ah."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> After rampaging through the halls, bellowing and/or whacking everyone in sight, I felt much better and went in search of George. Suddenly, I paused... what's that sound I hear resounding in my halls? Whistling? The whistling itself I might have let pass, but the tune was 'It's a Small World'. Rounding the corner in a tornado of fury I impaled the reject.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "your..... Ni-hil-ist-neee....." Oops. Goodbye George.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "So what you're saying is that you want me to rip up all the black velvet carpets which we just finished paying for and replace them with fake grass?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Isn't that what I just said?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Er... we're broke your Imperialship."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Raise the taxes."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "The peasants are starving." I grinned. He backed away quickly.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Leave their food to me."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> Wandering the halls, I ran into (literally by the way) a poor little man.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You. What's your name?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Darvin Eugene Eustace."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Eew, thank goodness I'm changing it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You're what?!?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Shut up. Repeat after me... I am George."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But I'm Darvin!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Not anymore. Say it with-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I am Darvin! I am!" I whacked him upside the head. Hard.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Repeat. I am George."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I- *sob*- am- *sniffle*...... George."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Good. Louder."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Louder."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I am George."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "<U>Louder</U>."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I am George!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "<U>LOUDER</U>."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I AM GEORGE!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> <B><U>"LOUDER!"</U></B></FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "<U>I AM GEORGE</U>!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "No you're not, you're Sam. Go get me a martini."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "All right, you!" yelled Bob. "Tear up those carpets!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "We're tearing! We're tearing!" They chorused. "What is this stuff we're putting down?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Asss...tr...tr...o...tur...tur...fff..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "We're not allowed to swear." *smack*</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Umm..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "What part about 'get me a martini' did you not understand?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "What's a martini?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You poor sod... what do they teach you in these schools? Allow me to enlighten you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "If it's all the same to you-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "It isn't. You're off to bartending school me lad."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But I don't like alcohol!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You will."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You will like it or die by it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Was that a threat?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Nooo..... it was a promise."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Did I say 'don't like'? I mean love-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Shut up."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But-"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Now."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> *meekly* "Ok."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Now George, you're off to school."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I thought I was Sam..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You thought? No, you don't think. Off with you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "But-" *thwack*</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "*whimper* Going."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Well, the redecorating is going well. That's about the only thing. *sigh* The life of a mad, power crazed psychopath bent on world domination is not an easy one.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Empress! Empress!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yeees?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "There's a psychopathic killer on the loose!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "And your point is?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "No, Empress! Not you! Its....." *music of doom* "it's the Goose!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "The what?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "The Goose! It's four feet tall, with these huge bottle glasses, and its stare can kill! It waddles up behind it's chosen prey with deadly grace, and then with it's horrifying battle cry of 'sit properly! no talking!', and then..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Then what."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "No! It's too horrifying to relate! Nooooo!" And he keeled over, stone dead of fright.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Pssssst! Supreme Nihilistness!" I whirled and beheld a cringing servant in a dark side hallway. "Follow me!" With a raised eyebrow I decided to. Not like I had anything better to do. We vanished into the darkened corridor.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> I was bored. Hmmm. Time for another stupid, pointless rule, enforced on pain of death. I scanned the room quickly and spotted someone.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You!" I pointed "Marry....... her."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But..." he whined "I don't like her."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "And I care..... why?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Shut up."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes ma'am."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What did you call me?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes, oh Insane Psychopathic One!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You wouldn't be changing what you just said would you?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "No ma'am." Head. Pavement. Need I say more?</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Oh by the way, you don't have to marry her anymore." *sigh* "You!" he cringed "Marry... her."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Was there something?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "She's my sister!!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Oh." *pause* "Too much inbreeding already. The world doesn't need any more stupidity. "Marry.... her."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "She's my grandmother!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *exasperated sigh* "Fine. Marry.... her."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "That's my dog!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *pause* "Funny... she's prettier than your sister."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Freckles is a boy!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *rolls eyes* "Details, details. If you're so picky you can marry the cow."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Actually... she's my third cousin twice removed."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Marry him."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *sudden silence* "I can't marry him!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why? Because he's male?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "No... because he's my son!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why didn't you tell me you were married?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I'm not."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You have problems!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "<B><U>I</U></B> have problems?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What did you say?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I said... I have problems mistress."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Do you have a death wish?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes. Yes I do."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *evil grin* "Why don't we discuss that?" I put my arm over his shoulder and led him away.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> He walked with his back against the wall, as if he was scared for his life. He finally stopped and turned to face me. I can't believe I followed a servant!</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "I must tell you! Heard of the Goose you have, but darker yet is this new peril. Creeping in ceilings, hunting the lawless, this new creature thinks she is flawless!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Ok I know you didn't think of that on your own. Tell me already." He started to twitch and look up at the ceilings.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Her helpers, the Shoes, come through the vents.... she is.... the Ninja!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Ok... so what's the big deal?" His eyes widened at my heresy before he crumpled into a heap, killed by the shock. I shrugged, went out to the main hallway and continued wandering.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> I led him towards the exit, only to trip over a body sprawled across the floor. What the heck was that doing there? Oh yeah... that was the messenger guy, the one babbling about some goose. I glared and kicked the body. Whats-his-face laughed.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Stop that."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes, mistress." I tried to kick him... and missed. He laughed.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You do have a death wish don't you?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Didn't I say that already?" I glared at him.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I think that making fun of me is against the rules."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I didn't read that in the rulebook."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "We don't have a rulebook."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Well, that explains it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You're standing up to me. No one else stands up to me."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Well... just a guess, but that might be because they're rather attached to their lives."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Where aaaare you my Yiddish minions? I am your RULER!!! *giggle* Where are they when I need them? I want a martini. I am pacing! PACING people!!!!" I continued to pace the empty hallways bellowing, since SamGeorge was off at bartending school. "Where ARE all of you! You are supposed to come at my every beck and call!" Further down the hallway, a small girl cringed out of the wall. "Ah, you! Where is everyone?" She looked up at me, fear in her wide eyes, an indiscernible whisper escaping her lips. "What was that?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "They're outside."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Outside?" she nodded slowly and hesitantly "What are they doing outside? I'll have to call them in..."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> she paled and started shaking her head. "Oh good lord, I won't kill you anything, tell me."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "They're all kite flying."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "KITE FLYING?!?!" I shrieked. The girl swiftly turned and fled. Soon after servants were pouring in the doors, their faces pale. I just grinned at them and continued wandering down the hallway. That is... until I saw a chair. I sat down, grinned, giggled and then suddenly flung myself off the chair toward the ground. I hit the ground with a thud, then laid there singing "Wheeee! Gravity works!" The servants looked at each other, with wide disbelieving eyes.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Hurry! Go get her a martini and her doctor! This looks bad!"</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> I glared at him. "Dang you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Are you going to kill me now?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Are you looking forward to it or something?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Well, I do kinda have a personal stake in it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Shut up."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes mistress."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *evil glare* "And now I can't kill you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Awww, why not?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Because you want to die. It's no fun if you actually want to die!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Well, it could just be an elaborate plot to convince you that I want to die so you wouldn't kill me."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But then you wouldn't alert me to the fact that it could be a plot."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But that convinces you that it's not a plot, since I said it was."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But then.... oooh my head hurts."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Would you like some painkillers?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Shut up."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Yes mistress."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> When they handed me a martini, I looked at it, then pranced out of the castle. After a long amount of prancing I came upon a man and a woman arguing. I held the martini out to the woman who was holding her head. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Heeere you go! It will take allll your cares away!" As she took the martini, I flung myself to the ground. "Gravity works! *thunk* Wheeeee!"</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Just as I was about to kick him again (and trying to fight back a little giggle... after all, he was amusing. But I couldn't let him know that of course. That might give somebody else ideas... and most of them aren't smart enough to be clever. I despise listening to stupid people trying to be witty), any way, just as I was about to kick him, some red-headed freak came staggering up to me clutching a glass in one hand and giggling insanely. She handed it to me with some drunken comment on how it would take all my problems away, and then fell over. I looked at the glass, then shrugged, it was worth a try. I poured the glass over his head, and waited patiently for a moment. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Nope. He's still here."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> *hic* "So sorry! I think you were supposed to drink it but I'm not quite sure. My memory isn't too good... something I ate probably..." I got up and repeated the gravity test, this time jumping up and falling. *thunk* "Gravity still works! Cmon! It's fun!" *giggle*</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Oh geez, what a... hmmm, no good words. I crossed my arms and scowled, irritated. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Hmm..." said... oh I don't know his name. Note to self. Anyway, said as-of-yet-nameless-person. "She's in a good kicking position mistress." My scowl grew. I must be really distracted, to not notice that. And now if I kicked her, that would mean I was listening to him. *silent growl* And to not do anything to her would completely ruin my rep. Drat him! He'd caught me in a catch-22. I'd just have to find something better to do to her. And for once in my life, I had nothing. Dang him, dang him, dang him!</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I stood up a little drunkenly and smiled at them. Suddenly, the voices attacked, so I covered my ears and ran away screaming.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> And now she was gone! I glared at him.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Something wrong, mistress?" I growled incoherently. "Pardon? I couldn't quite catch that."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *growl* "You...you...argh! You made me not kick her!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Me?" he said with exaggerated innocence. "I but live to serve, mistress." I tackled him, screaming. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why mistress! I didn't know you cared!"</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> Somewhere, in some place.... I passed out.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *dead silence* he just lay there, staring up at me, fighting back a grin. I was beyond growling, speechless with anger. Then, suddenly, I grinned. Evilly. Gratifyingly, he looked mildly worried. Then more and more worried as the silence went on. Heh heh heh.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why yes." I purred. There was a look of complete blankness on his face.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What?" I fought my face into an expression of innocence. "I do care about you. No one else will stand up to me." I stroked his hair, and savored the expression of complete and utter terror on his face. Don't mess with the best!</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I woke up somewhere and wandered back. When I got there I saw the woman lying on top of the man! Shrieking I fell to the ground, curled up in the fetal position and cried.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Hmmm... now what would be the best kicker to push this completely over the top? Behind me, I heard the red-head screeching, I looked over my shoulder and she was on the ground twitching. Huh. When I looked back, he was grinning evilly. Uh oh.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You know... you're really cute when you're being evil." Then there were two women, lying on the ground twitching and screaming.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> Suddenly there was another voice joined to mine, so I made it more musical, 'tuning' my shrieks to the other voice, badly tuning of course, but that can't be helped.</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Oooh, harmonic shrieks. What a fascinating concept. Come to think of it, they sounded like a nice counterpart to a rant. I needed a good rant.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why do I bother? All I ask for is a little respect and abject terror. Is that so much to ask?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I have nothing but respect for you, my dear Empress." </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *kick* *laugh* *growl* "Shut up. I'm trying to rant!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "So sorry."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "No you're not!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *thoughtful silence* "True. I'm not."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I hate you."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I'm crushed."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *scream* I bit his ankles.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "That was mature."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Cower dang you!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *thoughtful pause again* "Sorry, I don't really feel like it. Maybe tomorrow."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> My counterpart shriek died off, but I continued to shriek with my eyes closed. I didn't want to be traumatized by what I was sure they were doing, judging my the sound of those screams.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> I was so angry I was spitting. </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "My isn't that attractive?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Does that mean you're going away?</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *thoughtful pause* "Mmm...no...I don't think so."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Why not?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You amuse me."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "I WHAT?!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "It's funny to se you ranting and raving and trying to hurt me... your imperial shortness."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "That's IT! I'm going to <U>kill</U> you!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "You and what army?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "MY army."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Sure, take the cowards way out."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *scream* "Ow."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I sat up suddenly, and since I 'd stopped screaming I heard the whole conversation. Glancing over at them, the whole thing struck me as very humorous so I pointed and laughed, and laughed, and fell over and continued laughing and pointing. And I laughed.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Suddenly, I was struck by a rather amusing thought. I grinned, and he backed up rather slowly.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "She seems to find you rather amusing."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> He blinked. "She does, doesn't she." He looked at her more closely. "Hey, she's kinda pretty."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "My thoughts exactly."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "What's her name?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Okibi."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Okibi. What a pretty name. And such nice, hair...the color of flame, brightening the darkness with her presence." I grinned again. My work here was done. </FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes and sat up, fully prepared to be amused, and found them staring at me, with an odd look on the guy's face. I blinked for a few minutes, curled my hands by my chin and began twitching. Then I stopped... and grinned.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> He wandered over and gazed raptly into her eyes. "Your eyes are like the storm tossed waves, beautiful and terrifying. Your skin is like cream, soft and smooth... and the little hairs on your arms like peach fuzz... soft and fuzzy..."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I stood staring at the psychopath and decided that this was a fine joke. I walked away from him and over to the lady.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "You really should keep a leash on your playtoy. It's drooling."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "But my love! My heart belongs only to you! Not to that...thing." </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> *scowl* this may have been my idea, but I wasn't sure I liked the way it was going. But go with the flow.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "Thank you." I said to him. "See... he's your playtoy. Thus all the drool is your exclusive property."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> "Eh." I waved my hand dismissively. "The servants can deal with the drool. Although a leash isn't such a bad idea... do you suppose he'd choke himself eventually? Hmm... worth a shot."</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "For you my love I would do anything. Do you wish me to try?"</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I grinned. "Go ahead and try... that tree looks nice. Here's a rope."</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> Huh. I never thought it would be this easy. Funny though... he had seemed mildly intelligent, right up till he fell for her. What's so special about her? No one follows me around in abject devotion, I'd slap him if they did. *scowl* He was gasping for air. What an idiot. Suddenly I was angry. I cut him down and kicked him. "Grow up." and walked away.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I laughed until my sides hurt before getting up and mocking the lady. "Grow up." *snicker and voice change* "Grow up." I then proceeded to amuse myself by repeating that in every insulting tone possible for the next ten minutes.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus">Kisaki</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"> "To heck with this." I said calmly, and then calmly blew up the whole area for twenty miles around me. I was bored. But not anymore.</FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Papyrus"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy">Okibi</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"> I was dead.</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Lucida Calligraphy"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT> <P ALIGN="CENTER"><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Times New Roman"></FONT><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">Interlude</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Wait a second! What the? We can't just blow everything up!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Why not?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Because… we just can't!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No one will have expected it. It'll be a classic!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You can't just kill everyone off partway through the book! What'll we write about?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Blank pages. It'll be metaphorical and junk."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Metaphorical and junk?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You know. Nothingness as a symbol of the human existence. Goes along with the randomness and irony symbolized by our earlier chapters. That's what they meant." </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "They didn't mean anything!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Exactly."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You're a very confusing person yah know that?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yes."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I still say we can't do it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "We just did."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Hence the new discovery…. it's an…. ERASER!!" *dramatic music* </FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Erase the sacred words?! Blasphemy! Away from me you vile heretic!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Sacred words? They're just random ramblings!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Exactly! That's why they're symbolic to the human condition!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Stop it already! There is no symbolism in the human condition!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Except for of the human condition itself!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "How can something be symbolic of itself??"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Exactly."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "If you say that one more time… I'll stab you with this book."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You can't stab me with a book!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Why not? It's symbolic of the human condition!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No it's not!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "How come all your things can be symbolic of the human condition and mine can't?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Look, it's like this. Do you see this toothpick?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You're not holding a toothpick."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well if I were holding a toothpick, would you see it?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No. I'd close my eyes."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You can't close your eyes to the truth man!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Why not?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Because you can't!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Besides, it's not a truth, it's a toothpick."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "It exists, so it's a truth."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No it's a fact, there's a difference."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Fact is true."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Whatever. And any rate, there is no toothpick, therefore, it's not a fact either."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Exactly! It's…"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "If you say 'symbolic of the human condition' one more time…"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I wasn't going to! It's… a statement… of the… er… metaphoricallness… of life, the universe and nothing else!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "That just means symbolic of the human condition!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No it's not! Other things are alive. Turnips are alive!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What does that have to do with anything?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Exactly!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC">*thwack* "Come back here! I need to stab that philosophy out of you!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "You're not stabbing me, you're hitting me!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Would you rather me stab you? I could do it quite easily."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "No you couldn't! Not with a book!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Have you ever tried?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yes. Yes I have."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well you must not have tried hard enough."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I broke my arm trying to shove that thing through his skull. I'm telling you, it doesn't work."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Take it to the repair shop."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I can't take my arm to a repair shop!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I wasn't talking about your arm, I was talking about the book."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "The book's not broken!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well, of course the book isn't broken. Books tear, not break."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "If you had a glass book it would break."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Who'd make a glass book?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well, if there were a glass book…"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Oh don't start that rubbish again."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Rubbish? It's not rubbish, it's philosophy!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Lot of silliness if you ask me. Glass books and non-existent toothpicks. And turnips!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "What's wrong with turnips?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "They have nothing to do with our present topic of conversation!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "We don't have a present topic of conversation!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Yes we do!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Well what is it then?"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Something other than the supposed symbolism of the human condition which HAS no symbolism and is thus a symbol of itself while at the same time not being a symbol of anything!"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "Now you're getting it."</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> *sound of a scream, suddenly cut off* "How is THAT symbolic of the human condition?" *silence* "That's what I thought, now to fix that last section…"</FONT> <P><FONT SIZE="3" FACE="Tempus Sans ITC"> "I say man, what were you doing? That could have killed me!" *sound of object being repeatedly beat against a wall* "You really should be more careful! Ho! Now you're hurting yourself as well! We must have you locked away, you're mentally unstable and hardly fit to write a book." *scream* "Now don't you take it like that, it's all for your own good old chum. Now lets see… I suppose blank pages wouldn't be terribly exciting, and there's only one symbol for the human condition. No help for it I suppose… how terribly pedestrian, I'll have to use humans to symbolize the human condition. Well, resurrection is a nice symbol, I suppose…"</FONT>

←- Sfere | Shadowsinger - Chapter One -→

DateNameComment 
14 May 200345 Okibi
YAY!! *does insane little dance* our story's up! our story's up!!! AND I'M FIRST COMMENT!!! YES!!! *cries little tears of joy while dancing insane first-comment-our-story's-up dance of madness and joy* WOOHOOO!!!!! oh yes. *downs martini* just in case any of you didn't know which character I wrote.
1 Jun 200345 Alina Menelya
OMG!!!! Hurry the *&%# up and write the next parts to this story. I love ur little "gallary" or whatever u want to call it. The stories are great! write write write!
5 Jun 200345 Okibi
I want to know, and everyone who reads this story must answer, who do you like better kisaki or okibi? I'll admit to being insanely jealous of my coauthor's popularity and demand answers! answer me! all of you!
11 Jun 200345 Head-On-Arm Guy
Guess what! That's another question I refuse to answer! And you know how good I am at dodging the questions, too. You'll never find out! Never!!! I'm waiting anxiously for Why? (Part Two), so I can see what I haven't already read!
17 Jun 200345 Anonymous
kisaki
18 Jun 200345 Anonymous
Here's a reason-kisaki doesn't get 1st comment on everything (o yeah its her site thing nm)
27 Nov 200345 Alishagreenarrow
Write more!!!!!!!!!
9 Mar 200645 Tiger Flame
Kisaki rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 Nov 200645 Anonymous
Thank you. Because next to you, even I look perfectly sane and normal. WRITE MORE! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. . . Not since I read you Fairyland Support Group, actually . . . Five minutes ago . . . anyway, write more, it's awesome!
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'Why? (Part One)':
 • Created by: :-) Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson
 • Copyright: ©Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Insanity, Kisaki, Odd, Okibi, Parody
 • Categories: Fights, Duels, Battles, Humourous or Cute Things, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Parody
 • Views: 432

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More by 'Cara ´Empress of the Universe´ Jackson':
The Inquisitor: A Twisted Fairytale
Shadowsinger - Chapter One
Shadowsinger- Chapter Six
Sfere
Into Thin Air
Fairyland Support Group

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