"Once Upon A Cow" by Jennifer L. Post

Once upon a time, there was a daring and courageous knight named Sir John-Bob of Greenhill; who went about on all sorts of marvelous quests, rescuing damsels in distress, slaying fell beasts, and generally doing knightly tasks of all kinds. And wherever he went, he proudly rode upon his noble steed, Marty the cow. Now Marty was not your average cow. Nope, he was quite intelligent. He knew where all the best grass was, and he knew the perfect way to chop that grass off right near the roots where it tasted the best, and he could even count. Everyone agreed that he and Sir John-Bob made a perfect team; though not everybody was happy about it.

            Among those who had reason to not be happy about Marty and Sir John-Bob’s great teamwork, were Dunstin the dragon and Cyril; a sorcerer with a very annoying evil laugh. Both had been foiled by Sir John-Bob’s heroic actions at least twice before, and both were quite ready to get rid of him… permanently. So they got together at Starbuck’s and schemed a little scheme. I won’t tell you their whole plan, just that it involved a horse, a bottomless lake, and several brown splashy things that were probably coffee stains.

            And so it happened that one day, as our two brave adventurers were traveling along, they were approached by a ragged waif of humanity who smelled strongly of onions. Being a good and noble knight, Sir John-Bob asked him if there was any way he could assist him; while very politely holding his nose.

            “Oh sir.” Said the waif. “My horse is under a terrible curse! If he is not ridden to the Lake Bottomless before sundown, so that he might drink some of the water, he will die! But alas, I cannot ride him there myself because of my arthrightis! Will you help me?” Or course no true knight could turn down such a quest, so Sir John-Bob immediately said that he would do it… If the old man would kindly watch his noble steed. The man agreed, and ran off to fetch his horse.

            A few minutes later, Sir John-Bob was disappearing down the road on the rather speedy horse and the old waif was jumping up and down with glee and definitely showing no signs of any kind of arthrightis.

            “Eeeehehehe hahaSNORT bwhahaahaa!” He chortled evilly. “I’ve got him now! On to part two!” At which point he went off into a fit of annoying giggles and vanished in a purple smoke cloud. Marty stared at the cloud for a second, and then decided to take a stroll down to Lake Bottomless. There was a lovely little patch of grass there, right on the edge.

            Meanwhile, Sir Jon-Bob had reached Lake Bottomless; which was really about fifteen hundred feet from where the old man had stopped him. He dismounted and began leading the horse towards the lake edge. Suddenly he found himself dangling in the air. The horse had transformed into Dunstin the dragon! A purple smoke cloud mushroomed up from the lake edge, and there stood the old man, who was actually Cyril, with a really big harpoon gun.

            “Aha! Prepare to die Sir Jon-Bob of Greenhill!” The sorcerer cried, pointing to the gun. “My friend Dunstin there will fly out over the lake. When he gets to the middle I will shoot you with my magic, armor-piercing gun and then he will drop you into its bottomless depths! AhahhaaaSNORT!” Sir John-Bob realized he had been tricked, but it was too late. With a mighty swoop of his wings Dunstin took off across the lake, while Cyril went off into another, highly annoying, fit of evil laughter.

            Right then, Marty ambled down the road towards the lake. Unnoticed by the snorting sorcerer, he made his way over to the harpoon gun; which was sitting right in the grass patch he’d been seeking. And there was a nasty rope pinned down right in the best part too! Well Marty was a smart cow; he knew how to fix that. He bent his head down and chopped that rope just like it was a blade of grass. The harpoon gun went of, shooting out over the lake and dragging a no longer laughing Cyril, who had gotten his foot tangled in the rope, along with it.

            Needless to say, Dunstin and Cyril were foiled again… permanently. I won’t tell you everything that happened. Let’s just say it involved tangled dragon wings and a nasty fall into the Lake Bottomless… and several brown things that resembled coffee stains, but were actually carnivorous fish. Luckily, Sir John-Bob was flung into shallower water and was able to wade to shore.

            “Whew, thanks Marty ol’ pal.” The dripping knight told his nobly munching steed. “I guess this quest is done then.” Marty simply looked at him and mooed. Then after he’d finished his snack, the two companions ambled off down the road and on to their next adventure!