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Emma-Jane C. Smith

"Caged" by Emma-Jane C. Smith

SF&F Picture 4 out of 36 by Emma-Jane C. Smith
 
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A trapped spirit..
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Searching through the dense scrub the creatures came closer to where Harry was hidden. His breathing was laboured after the long race, they wanted to kill him. It was the law of the jungle for the fittest to survive, but these creatures did not belong to the jungle. On their bodies they wore clothes of green, camoflaged to blend in with the plant life about them.


Suddenly, one caught sight of him and the chase was on again. Harry was not used to running for so long a time and a stitch in his side hindered his progress. Behind him he heard the noise of their feet as they got closer and closer to him. The hunters were catching up to the hunted. Quickly Harry stopped, dropped to the earth, rolled and lay hidden in the jungle underbrush. The hunters had lost sight of him.


As the creatures searched, Harry slowly crept forward to the closest creature, careful not to break the cover of the ferns around him. With great speed he jumped up, pulled it to the ground and slit its throat with the small knife he carried. Unfortunately for he had not been fast enough and the hunter, turned hunted, had let out a scream. Even though the scream was satisfactorily cut off by a gurgle, he knew the others would be on him now. The other hunters turned to him as he held the now bloodied knife out in front of him as a warning. The creatures conversed in their own language before begining their attack. The creature to Harry's right charged for him, but that was a diversion. He was struck by a strange dart that the second creature had shot out of a long black, metallic thing and he crumpled to the ground.


He, the hunted, woke up in a strange cage, the walls a brilliant white and padded softly to make tiny clouds in rows along the walls. A man dressed in strange clothes walked into the room. He tried to leap across and scratch at the man, but found that his torso was tied in a white material in a way that made his arms hug his body tightly. A snarl grew across Harry’s face. He was almost wild with the thought that he had been caged. The creature began to talk to him, he even thought he could understand what it was saying.


“Harry.” it said, “Where have you been all this time?” he backed away from the noisy creature and poised himself to attack reguardless of his tied arms. Harry wanted to get out, he wanted to get away now, this very instant. But he bided his time. He waited. His captor then turned away with an exasperated sigh, that’s when Harry lunged. He used his legs to push the man out of the doorway and caused him to go sprawling on the ground. Now out of the white padded cell, Harry ran for the door that would lead home, to the outside. Just as he could taste freedom, something smacked into the back of Harry’s head and he fell to the ground. He managed to grab a paperclip in his mouth from the floor before they stung him. The poison working fast, causing him to meet oblivion again.


Harry dreamed of stars, the stars that called him. The stars that sang for him. The stars that were his family, his friends, his life. As Harry woke he noticed nothing but the bright white of his cell, he ignored everything and withdrew into himself . Time passed and he hungered for the forest trees, the cool breeze caressing his cheeks. In his cell he curled up in a ball, muscles taught and unyielding. Harry wished he were free.


That night, when all was quiet, Harry slipped a previously pilfered paper clip out of his mouth. Harry worked himself out of his restraints. Working at the lock he prised open the doors of his prison. He could taste freedom.


Harry ran, ran like the wind for freedom. Freedom, something he had long missed. A thing he had nearly forgotten the taste of. Tears came to his eyes as he leaped over the last boundary that separated him from sweet freedom. He had the last laugh. He, Harry was free like he never dreamed he would be again. A huge clap of thunder was followed by a searing pain. He felt his heart breaking, but Harry smiled still. He was finally free. No one could take that from him. His mortal body fell to the soft, wet grass. His spirit soared on. Higher and higher. To the stars.


“So… Stephanie, what do you think of the story?” asked her mother. The young woman turned from the window where she had been staring at the stars. She stared into he mother’s eyes, engulfing them. Then she whispered something to quiet to hear, and a tear slid slowly down her cheek. She then turned back to gazing at the stars that somehow flickered brighter. A slow, sad smile lightly touching her lips.

←- Boredom Kills | Diary of an Evil Child: Ch01 -→

DateNameComment 
29 Oct 2005:-) A. ´Kelsie´ Hurley
A good story, which I have no editing nitpicks for (as the few I noticed have already been mentioned). 10 Although honestly, I really don't understand the purpose of changing to the mother and daughter at the end. I think the story would be just fine without it, though maybe there's some reason for the switch that I'm simply not seeing? Ah, well. Nicely done, anyhow. 2

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "The mysterious connection between the girl and Harry from the story her mother told her. That was the link, albeit thin, between the main story and the twist.Hmmm.. I really am going to have to go over this story again."
16 Nov 2005:-) C. 'Liari' Seidel
Well, I like where it could go. I would love to know exactly what spirit was trapped in Harry, and how it got there or something. I got the feeling that the spirit in Harry was some kind of predator from the jungle..? I don't know. But also, if it was aspirit trapped there, he probably wouldn't respond to the name Harry, but maybe refer to him as the one who used to be Harry or something like that? And you might want to tie in the last paragraph a bit more, show why Stephanie knows how he feels... I could be completely off-base about all of this, too. I'll just shut up now.

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Never shut up! Speech is something that should never be taken away!!! 2Well I always pictured this spirit in this story as being Harry's, the one that has reverted back to the basic animal instincts. And as for the plot twist.... just felt like adding it to show the yearning in us all to be free.... the girl felt that, understood it.Anyway I'm glad you liked it!"
26 Dec 2005:-) Christi-Anna 'Mistress of the Seas' Castonguay
huh what?
oops I wasnt paying attention *shuffles feet*
any way it was a lot of sudden action it seems.
Some background is a little longed for -yes i am odd, yes it is a strange request, yes some of us have tiny imaginations in some areas.
and also you could try "previously absconded paperclip"
isnt that a lovely word ? *grins , delighted at the sound*

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Thanks for the comment... absconded does sound good! I think I'll use it! ^_^"
19 May 200645 Naomi
Maybe it could be like an eagle....Oh no wait..That soars...

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Yes, yes it does... unless it's a bald eagle, then it has to walk! Tee hee hee! What a funny joke I made! Ha ha ha!(it's not really that funny but I don't get out much... forgive me?)^_^"
19 May 200645 Naomi
Love it!!!!

But why does the spirit always soar?? Why cant it flap along meekly like a daddylonglegs and hit the ground a couple of times? Why can't it buzz around like a bumble bee??? No?? Doesn't it work?

And i thought i was on to something..Damn this milkshake..Damnations...

However..A truly beautiful story. Is the girl dreaming of leaving her town/home? I can sympathise. Loving your work..And the cumquats!! Always lovin the cumquats..And their machine guns...

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "I really don't know why it always soars... perhaps it doesn't 'flap along meekly' as a daddylonglegs doesn't because it's a spider.I do like spiders though.. perhaps I should write a story about a cumquat and a spider! ^_^Glad you liked it!"
21 May 2006:-) Lisac3
>His breathing was laboured after the long race, they wanted to kill him.
semi-colon, not comma

>Behind him he heard the noise of their feet as they got closer and closer to him.

For such a tense scene, you have a lot of long, rambly sentences. This is a perfect example. It could be cut to "The noise of their feet got closer and closer." You could even spice it up by changing "noise" to "thump" or "crunch" or something more descriptive.
I think you could make his sentences more disjointed and irrational. Feel free to get wierd and James Joyce on it.

>>Unfortunately for he had not been fast enough and the hunter,
Unfortunately for what?

The mention of the paperclip is abrupt and sorta cliche, but since the point is to get him out quickly, I'll let it slide.

I don't like the storytelling coda. It's too abrupt and hurts an otherwise satisfactory ending. Leave Harry alone, or explain why this girl needs to hear this strange story.

Everyone else had good things to say.

(And in defense of the beautiful daddy-long-legs comment, though I've always called the spidery things daddy-long-legs, and crane flies, crane flies. some people call the spidery things-- harvestmen, and crane flies-- daddy-long-legs. In my house, the daddy-long-legs eat the crane flies, so the hierarchy is all set.)

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Thanks for the critique ^_^ "
28 Jul 2006:-) Alexandru Moisi
hmm, I agree to the comment above me... the two different view points don't fit...
I found it also really confusing, what was wrong with harry, why were they hunting him? did he actuially die in the end? did they kill him? who is they? and so on...many questions...
I like the fact that your stories are so short and nice but tehy do lack on details..sorry to be the bad guy 8

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Not at all, every writer needs their works critiqued! So thanks for picking holes in mine! ^_^ I know that most of my short stories are...well... rather short, but most were written some time ago. I suppose it's time for a rewrite. Now all I need is the time to do it! 2I think this story was one of my very first... and hey! even I find it confusing! ^_^ tee hee hee"
28 Dec 2006:-) Louise Hughes
I'm leaving a comment - just a copy of what I crit 2
Got a bit confused by the ending, and whether Harry was a person (I assume he was and it was all just his mind or something 12 Picked out a few things: the coincidental finding of a paperclip and a lock being present on the inside of his door. Beautiful and sad ending though, with his spirit and the stars. I’m glad he was free when he died.
Happy New Year 2

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Yes, the paperclip and lock is a bit coincidental isn't it 2 This story is definetly ready for a revamp!Glad you liked the ending... I'm happy that it envokes that sort of feelings in the reader. Happy New Year to you too! *throws invisibility confetty at you*"
31 Aug 2008:-) Rachel Lawlor
Lemme guess - Harry is a kumquat and the people in clothes are humans? No? (I actually read the story twice, once as it is seriously and twice thinking Harry is a kumquat - which made it kind of funny. Try it! XD)

Anyway, I absolutely loved it. The action was fast paced (like action should be, duh!) and invigorating, perfectly contrasting the slow and mournful ending. And I don’t mind not having background, especially for something you want to keep so short. Really, it doesn’t need it if you ask me; I understood the story without it.

Now, maybe the other readers weren’t quite reading it right, but I say don’t change a thing about the ending. I immediately understood the connection between the girl and Harry. It may be subtle, but blatantly stating it would seem too "preachy" - I personally hate it when morals or connections are shoved in front of me like that; it’s insulting to my reading and connection making intelligence. I think it subtlety is part of its affect, part of its impact.

I will agree that the paperclip thing does feel a little... cliched, but I’m not sure there would have been a better way to do it. It rang true with its simplicity despite being so used, and anything complex would definitely have bogged down the story much worse.

So, my serious guess is that Harry is the spirit of a star maybe? There are some pretty strong mentionings of them connecting both Harry and his spirit-kin listening to his story.

It’s a really moving story, actually. Harry’s heartbreak and the girl’s reaction almost move you to tears, though I can’t decide if they’re more happy or sad! (And I don’t mean that in a bad way - bitter-sweet isn’t always something to avoid 12) I’m torn between saying the girl is crying for happiness for Harry’s escape and sadness at her own entrapment, though I’d like to think it’s both.

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Yay! Someone who understands this story! *does happy dance* Glad you liked it and Harry as a cumquat??? O.o That would be funny!

Yeah I’ve tried changing the ’paperclip’ part before but I have writers block as to how to change it. Anyhoo thanks for the rave review! ^_^"
25 Nov 2008:-) Tom Solomons
I’m going to go for a different approach. I read this one with Harry as a person, not a cumquat, but that he was almost a ’feral’ creature of some kind. You hear that a wild creature, when held captive for long enough, will eventually lose the will to live. So, I think that Harry has that same sort of problem, and even though the moment he escapes he dies (struck by lightening I think) he’s still free which is why he’s so happy.

Unfortunately, I still don’t get the connection between Harry and the girl, and shouldn’t she be whispering ’something [too] quiet to hear’?

Regardless, I like this one, keep up the good work.

:-) Emma-Jane C. Smith replies: "Ermmm.... yes, typos. Those gnomes are back again making more and more of them!

Hope you still enjoyed the story though even though you didn’t get the connection at the end. (I’m not even sure I understand it fully, it just feels right to me....*scratches head*)"
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About 'Caged':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Emma-Jane C. Smith
 • Copyright: ©Emma-Jane C. Smith. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Forest, Cage, Freedom
 • Categories: Angels, Religious, Spiritual, Holy, Fights, Duels, Battles, Romance, Emotion, Love
 • Views: 201


More by 'Emma-Jane C. Smith':
Awaiting Freedom (poem)
Boredom Kills
Shenanigans in the Kitchen
The Lights of Nature
Fate's Choice
Forewarning
Musings
The Saktish
The Last Sunset

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