"Diary of an Evil Child: Ch01" by Emma-Jane C. Smith

Monday:


Woke up but didn’t want to go to school. Much prefer to stay in bed with my doona and hot water bottle. Am thinking about faking being sick, Tim my brother is already and it’s only a matter of time before Mia (my sister) and I get it too.

Tuesday:


Was attacked by a band of gnomes who all had a banquet eating my homework. The teacher didn’t believe me and gave me detention after school to redo it. She’s not fair. In detention I spent the time thinking up all the different weapons I could use to kill her. I was up to the 33rd –Thor’s Hammer- when she said I could go home. Luckily she didn’t check the work that I had done.

It was pouring rain droplets on my way home. I made sure I didn’t wear my jumper and got soaked through. I felt the happy urges to sneeze by the time I was home. I think I’ve finally caught a cold! I’m determined to keep it as long as possible.

Dad said it was raining cats and dogs but really, that only happened once when we found my cat Mucus, after a particularly heavy storm. All the falling dogs must have gone into our neighbour’s yard. Which is a pity because I could have used one in my newest experiment with electricity and rainwater.

Mum says I can stay home tomorrow! Oh joy oh rapture!!! I’m totally over the moon about it but I mustn’t let on to Mum or the rest of the family.

Wednesday:


Think I’ve got a tummy bug too, or else it’s just the seven-day-old curried egg that I ate instead of throwing it out like Dad said. Was held hostage by pirates in the toilet bowl, they didn’t like the weather. I don’t blame them, my vomit doesn’t make for very nice rain. I just hope they don’t make me walk the plank.

They made me walk the plank. I slipped over in the bathroom and hit my front tooth on the vanity. It took half of it off. Had to go to the dentist and get some fake tooth put on. I was sneezing and having my nose run the whole time I was there. That is talent! The dentist wasn’t pleased because he kept on have to re-sterilize the equipment.

Thursday:


Have decided to give half of tooth to the Tooth Fairy, I know I’ll get at least a dollar for it. The last tooth I sold to her for $2, I blame my parents for such a lousy amount. I’m sure they tried to cheat the Tooth Fairy when they were my age and that’s why she’s taking it out on me.

My chipped tooth is going a bit discoloured in the centre, now I look well on the way to tooth decay. In no time at all I’ll be able to join a pirate crew on my own…. now if only I can find a way to poke out one eye. ..

You never know, I might be able to do it to both and will be able to be the Blind Crone Witch in the school play. Anything’s better than a pansy fairy.

Have been secretly keeping myself sick by eating cold ice cream. The White Rabbit says I should eat more milk products to keep my mucus levels up. That way I’ll be leaving a trail of wet slimy germ-y snot behind me, just like snails do!

Friday:


Soon I will be living in my own North Pole. The room is covered in dirty used tissues. Now no one will dare come in and disturb me. I wonder if the North Pole looks so white because Santa has a perpetual cold. It’s cold up there, he always drinks milk –that will certainly get the mucus going- and in all his portraits and photos he’s got a slightly red nose. I think I’ll have to write to him and find out. I wonder if his elf helpers have to always wear masks (like surgeons wear) so they don’t catch his cold. Oh and I must also write him a more up to date list of what I want for Christmas. They say he only gives presents to all the good little girls and boys but even when I’ve been the most evilest of people, I still get lots of presents.

Saturday:


Mum made me clean the tissues up in my room, despite my ability to sneeze copious amounts of germs and snot over her work blouse (that she needs for that day) five times. Now I’m back to living in the Swamp. The tissues that once covered my junk are now gone and the brown-moss green curtains, bed sheets and covers can be seen again. Oh well, I was getting sick of white anyway, it is soooo yesterday.

Sunday:


Decided to make a mummified apple head. Peeled it and carved it to look like a vampire Yoda. He looks kind of cute. I left the apple peels behind the lounge room chair. The pixies who live behind there always did love apple peel. The family have been smelling rotting apple all day despite using copious amounts of air fresheners. But I’m glad ‘cause I kind of like the smell.

I got a huge glass jar from my stash and filled it with water and then put LOTS of salt into it. Then I put my vampire Yoda into it and stashed it away. It wouldn’t be ready for anther week.

Monday:


Have gotten out my craft stuff and have been working on a new formula for my mutant cumquats. Hopefully I will have a fully organic proto type working/living within a few days. I’ve been working on them for almost a year now. They are just the best things.

Tuesday:


Got a letter from the esteemed leader of The Dark Side, Megan. She has put her order in for a five mutant cumquats. I put the finishing touches on them before getting Dad to post them. I’m really going to have to take over leadership of the Dark Side one of these days. It’s no fun if I don’t at least try.

Wednesday:


Ate some more of the old bad curried egg that I saved from the first bout of food poisoning. I didn’t want to have to go back to school just yet, all my Evil plans weren’t ready. Was forced at spoon point to finish my homework.

Thursday:
I hired a band of Mercs (me and my friend Vic from school) and searched for Tim. We finally caught up with him on planet Kitchen and took him captive. Despite his attempts to escape, we transported him to the prison planet Bedroom using our spacecraft The Amber Pearl. We tortured him using the latest feather technology to discover the whereabouts of his secret treasure.

Tim had hidden it in a far off corner of the galaxy called Fridge. There we found a large block of treasure and devoured the chocolate. Dad, the space law enforcement, then rescued Tim and let Vic and myself off with a warning. It was worth every bite of chocolate.

Friday:


Fell asleep during class and got sent home. I’m getting the hang of fake sleeping. Mum was called from work and took me home and told me to go to sleep. She went back to work and I watched movies instead. I watch labyrinth and wanted to steal Lancelot so I could be wished away and get kidnapped by goblins and have a party with them and David Bowie. I want his eyes, one brown and one blue. Why couldn’t I have been born an albino?

I also watched The Princess Bride and wanted to be as big as Fezzic and as vengeful as Inigo and as sword great as Wesley. I think Buttercup flounces too much in the movie. But I am determined to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts. I spent the rest of the afternoon making a pirate costume for myself out of bed sheets.

I only broke three needles on the sewing machine. When Mum found out about the bed sheets she took me shopping with her and made me help pay for new ones. At least I’ve got another set of moss green ones I can add some brown paint blotches to be camouflage.

I stayed up until 11pm playing army sniper.

Saturday:


Scared Mia to death when I showed her my mutant cumquat. I honestly thought she was going to pee her pants. I like my mutant cumquats with their hairy noses. Mum got angry when she heard the scream and now I have to stay in my room for the rest of the day.

Sunday:


Got my revenge on Mia for getting me into trouble with Mum. I took out my vampire Yoda, he’s brown and wrinkly now, nicely mummified from the salt water. I then put him on the end of a string which I hung from her bedroom doorway, and rested him on the top of her slightly open bedroom door.

I’m going to remember that scream forever! It was so wonderfully high-pitched. My vampire Yoda fell from the top of the door as she opened the door wider to go into her room. It swung down on the string and scared the life out of her. Thankfully Mum and Dad weren’t home.

Have threatened Mia with doing more to her if she tells mum and dad about my Yoda trick. She wisely said she wasn’t going to tell them. My vampire Yoda now sits on my dresser, back in his little jar.

Mum says she’s going to get rid ‘of that disgusting thing’. But my vampire Yoda isn’t disgusting; he’s a work of art! Have stashed my vampire Yoda in a safe place, under the bed with my monster. They tell me they have lots of fun and are quickly becoming friends. I couldn’t be happier.

Monday:


It’s a public holiday today and I feel rather evil again. Went into Tim’s room early this morning and completely rearranged his eyebrows using a razor. When he found out I blamed it on the monster under my bed. For some reason he didn’t believe me.

Tuesday:


Mum had to draw some eyebrows on for Tim with some eyeliner. Now he had to go to school with black wobbly lines for eyebrows. I laughed myself silly when I saw him. Mum says I’ll be going back to school again tomorrow, no matter how sick I am. I pulled the ‘I’m at Death’s door’ look but for some reason it didn’t faze her. I must come up with some new looks so I can get out of more school.

Wednesday:


Went back to school today (because I’d used up the last of the bad curried egg) and told off Trish ‘cause she told me the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. He is real and I bet she’s not going to get many Easter eggs ‘cause of the lies she’s spread about him. Fancy thinking the Easter Bunny was made up! That’s just too funny. Have decided to formulate an Evil Plan to get Trish back. Hopefully that will get me on the Easter Bunny’s ‘A List’ so I gat more chocolate.

Thursday:


After school I found out we had an infestation of fairies, the really bad ones that love to mess up your hair and leave glitter dust over everything. They are the ones that have a streak of red through each wing. I rang up the pest exterminators but they said they don’t do fairies. I recommended that they start otherwise they would loose lots of customers. They didn’t seem to believe me but they’d lost my custom didn’t they! Serves them right.

Since the exterminators wouldn’t come I had to go around the house with a broom and try to squash them onto the walls. At the end there were three broken light bulbs and smashed photo frame. A job well done I think. I just hope I got their queen or there will be more of them coming back.

When mum got home from work she said she was going to take away some money from my pocket money to pay for the replacement light bulbs and photo frame. And she also found that I had knocked down one of the curtains in the lounge which ripped. She wasn’t happy, even when I told her that I got rid of the fairy infestation all by myself. That’s gratitude for you.

Friday:


My old friend Sarah came over for a visit in the afternoon while she was in town, we ran around the back garden playing assassins. I managed to poison her 4 times, knife her in the back twice and even threw her out a window once. She only managed to poison me once but that didn’t count because she left a vile of poison somewhere accidentally which I then touched and the poison seeped into my skin and killed me. You can only assassinate someone if you intend to kill them so I won the game.

While we were playing my freaky next-door neighbour heard us playing and lent over the fence to watch. How can you be a profession assassin if you are being watched all the time? I told him (Chris or Cheese Man ‘cause his house always smells like all those fancy cheeses like Blue Vein) to mind his own business but he seemed fascinated with what we were doing. He asked if he could make a story out of what we were playing. I said only if I got 60% of the cash from book sales if it gets published. He beat me down to $20 week which included me mowing his lawn. Really you’d think he could mow it himself. I thought all bald people knew how to. Gosh even I know how to and I’ve got plenty of hair on my head!

At least now I can have some extra money to replace what was taken out of my pocket money.

Saturday:


I went to visit Deb, the lady who lives over the road. I offered to mow her lawn for her. She said she’d give me $10 for it. I mowed the lawn very artistically; by the end of it there was a ten-foot long alien picture on her back lawn. I showed it to her and she took a photo but then she made me mow all over it. It’s a pity ‘cause I would have liked to get an alien museum to come and uproot it and display it.

But I suppose they wouldn’t like to ruin Deb’s lawn, I understand ‘cause I love the tiny nymphs that live there. They turn into all the little bushes and plants in her garden. I caught one of the bad kind but it changed back into a weed. I showed it to Deb and she gave me another $10 to get rid of the rest of the bad nymphs from her garden.

Sunday:


Went to the craft shop today and bought some fake blood with some of the money I’ve earned. I have another Evil Plan I might try out but it’s still in the planning stage.