"Diary of an Evil Child: Ch02" by Emma-Jane C. Smith

Monday:


Tim’s eyebrows have finally grown back. The hair removal cream I conned him into putting on them, a week and a half ago, seems to have worn off. It’s a pity ‘cause I was getting used to seeing his eyeliner drawn on eyebrows. I think I’ll take his eyelashes out next.

Mum is still agro at me for shaving Tim’s eyebrows off though but his hair went to a good cause. I gave them to an ewok who was making a wig for himself. Poor thing had an accident with a witch and ended up bald! I’ve decided to get that witch back one of these days. First I have to come up with a brilliant potion.

Tuesday:


Have decided to be pink today and put some white board markers that were coloured red, in the bath with me. Mum freaked out a bit when she saw my skin had turned bright pink but I saw Dad stifle a laugh. Mum wasn’t too angry though because it was better than me doing something more detrimental like burning the house down. She should know not to give me ideas like that.

I have decided not to burn the house down at this stage as I cannot guarantee the safety of my various friends such as the pixies behind the couch, the monster under my bed and all my other creations like my mutant cumquats and my priceless vampire Yoda head.

Actually I’ m thinking that I should start up a collection of mummified heads. They are so easy to do, all you need is an apple, salt and water! Oh and a jar to put them in.

Wednesday:


I thought I’d go do some fishing today so after school I told Dad. He asked me if I wanted to use his old rod. I told him not to be stupid, the only way you can catch giant squids is by dipping your toes in the water and wiggling them. I didn’t manage to catch any giant squids but their probably hibernating.

I found out that Tim stole my diary and read a bit of it. He asked me why there were only entries starting on a Monday, ending on a Sunday and there was only three weeks in each month. I told him that he must be crazy. Of course there was only three weeks in a ‘htnom’ which is how I spell month (its backwards). I’m going to have to cook up a special nasty plan to get him in trouble.

Thursday:


Mum talked to the Cheese Man today ‘cause she saw him while she was hanging out the washing. She invited him over for diner tomorrow night. She told me I should behave or he’ll think I’m a wholly terror. But I think that would make me become good friends with the Cheese Man because all those fancy cheeses like having wholes in it.

I’ve decided to make him a present for his visit, sort of a souvenir of actually surviving diner (that’s if he does, I wouldn’t put it past mum to poison him).

Also had fun today when Cecily, Lee-Ann and Erin and Hanna came over. We pretended to be Ghostbusters who had to infiltrate the underground pyramid of a cyber mummy whose ghost minions were wreaking havoc on the local populace. But after we killed all those undead off, then a big band of zombies came. They were extremely hard to kill. Finally we found their weakness. The kneecaps. It’s always the kneecaps.

But then we found out the zombies were not actually proper zombies, they were an alien race of beings who were being mind controlled by vampires. The vampires did all that because they ran out of their secret additive they put in their drinks of blood, amber.

I was wearing an amber pendant so they came and kidnapped me. Finally I saved my life by bargaining with them and gave them the amber. Then they let me go and I got my band f fighters to go back and blast them with our held hand atomic weapons.

They didn’t stand a chance…. And I got my pendant back!

Friday:


Helped Mum make dinner tonight, I got to chop some vegies and to stir the white cheese sauce. I thought it was very fitting. During dinner I laughed at how he spooned a lot onto his plate. Apparently he loves white sauce but only ‘cause I make it the best.

He told mum and dad about starting to write a story about kids playing in the back garden, I thought he was going to write about assassins. Assassins are so much more fun to write about. Dad thinks writing is a wonderful idea and that I should take it up. I didn’t tell him that I already write … if it is only in my diary.

I secretly made a pact with the Cheese Man after dinner while they were drinking coffee in the lounge; we are going to write a story together. I think it’ll be great! And I get 50% of royalties and my name will also be on the front page with his. I’m glad he doesn’t suspect that I’m going to make sure that my name is first.

I gave the Cheese Man a souvenir for actually living through diner. It was a book of signed autographs from all my friends and creations. There was one from my mutant cumquats, and the monster under my bed. I even got Santa to send me his by post. Oh and instead of signing the book the pixies decided to give him a signed copy of their latest pamphlet for their play “three talking weasels”.

After I gave them to him he asked when and where the next pixie plays are on. I told him they are going on right now but they have been sold out for a while. It’s better to get in early and book one for the next play. I warned him that it could be months away.

Saturday:


Anzy panzy Rebecca at weekend group today decided to have a paint fight with me. That was all right but she got her sister Rachel to join in and they ganged up on me. Then I got into trouble by the ‘boss’ and I had to go wash it all off me. She wasn’t happy when she had to give me back to mum with paint all over my clothes.

I argued with mum that I liked being a multicoloured rainbow. I even had a chance to smear some still wet paint on Mia who shrieked, and ran to wash it off her favourite t-shirt. I think I made it look heaps better.

Sunday:


Came up with the perfect plan to get back at Tim!! I used the fake blood I bought a while ago and poured a bit on Mucus, my lovely pet cat. I made it look genuine by mattering his fur up a bit and then I started wailing.

Dad came running and I told him that Tim had thrown a rock at Mucus and hurt him. I must say I did some great play-acting and Tim was grounded for the week. My parents didn’t even catch on when they got all the fake blood off Mucus’s fur. He did such a wonderful act too ‘cause he kept on moaning and meowing while they held him and wiped away the red stuff.

Revenge is sweet... and so is Mucus. J

Monday:


Ate some of the white cheese sauce we had last Friday for dinner, I kept some of it hidden in my undie draw until needed. It actually tasted quite good. I hope I can get out of school for the rest of the week. We had maths today, which I hate. Why can’t they teach us atomic physics? It sounds a lot better and there is a better paying job at the end of it. Imagine just being taught maths so all you could b when you grow up is a lousy maths teacher! I wouldn’t want that ‘cause I don’t want to have to wear drenches and a wig. That’s a terrible thought unless I was pretending to be undercover.

Speaking of undercover I have decided to become an international spy but then I leant I’d have to get a passport but my parents wont let me get one yet. So I’m now going to be a spy for the neighbourhood and get all the gossip and catch some bad guys too… just to make it look like I’m the good one.

And then I’d get to go around driving in state of the art new cars and what not that everyone gets jealous of. I hope it also comes with a rocket propulsion system so I can also go into space and spy on the aliens.

And it also would be sooo cool if the car had a mind of its own like it could be a best friend and help me do spying.

Tuesday:


Spent the lunch hour with my sister Mia. I got her in trouble and so we both had to go to lunchtime detention. I spent the time listing all the places I want to go someday. I got up to 143 –the alternate universe where you wear your undies on top of your head- before the bell for class rang.

I also thought of something else to ask Santa. Does he always ride in his slay or does he have an economical red Camry that he drives when he’s not working. After all, reindeers aren’t much fun when you want speed. I think Santa is a speed freak and a sky hog. On Christmas Eve he goes to everyone’s house in the world and delivers them pressies all within the hours of the nighttime. It’s a wonder you don’t see burnouts in the sky the next morning. So if he does all that in one night he’d have to do it speeding way over the sky speed limit. Why planes only go about 20km/hr in the sky. You see them just puttering along and yet you never see Santa ‘cause he’s going so fast.

I also wonder how many speeding tickets he’s got.

Wednesday:


I’m resolute that the batch of white cheese sauce I saved and then ate, was such a good batch that I’m not sick. It’s a shame since I was counting on it to get out of the rehearsals for the school play. I certainly don’t look like any fairy I’ve ever met, especially not with those fake fairy wings and face makeup.

I think I may have to make alterations to my costume for realism’s sake. There are guy and girl fairies and all we do is tiptoe from one place to another waving stupid wands and stuff. I think the director needs her head screwed on a little tighter. It worked for Frankenstein’s monster!

I’ve started the first story in a serious of short stories about cumquats. I’ve called it Attack of the Killer Cumquats. I hope it becomes a best seller and I’ll have to show it to the Cheese Man to see what he thinks.

Thursday:


Have made the alterations to my fairy costume. Now it looks a lot better with the brown gungy stuff they smear their feet in and the huge flakes of dandruff in their hair. I also made a great looking monster pet. It has nine eyes and ten nostril holes. I tested its freakiness factor out on Tim to get him back for eating the entire left over portion of dessert. It was berry pie....yummmm….

He ended up doing a back flip off the bed in his fright. It was so wonderful to watch, I cacked myself for the rest of the night. But I had to also avoid mum and dad who were looking for me to get angry at and give a huge lecture. I hid under my bed inside the stereo box that is under there. It was a tight fit but the monster under my bed graciously made way for me.

I’m thinking on sending him on a holiday with my vampire Yoda who still lives under my bed with him. They are great pals and they love to tell me all the cool and wacky things they do on their adventures around the alternate universe. They have a porthole hidden at the back of my sock draw and they go there and have fun.

I wish I could go and terrorise alternate universes with them but I can never seem to fit in my draw. I called a carpenter the also today and asked if he could enlarge it so I could fit. He told me to get my mum and dad’s okay. I told him that I was an individual and quite capable of going to different dimensions on my own and he should leave my parentals out of it!

Then he hung up…. I wasn’t pleased! I’m seriously thinking of dabbling in Doo Doo, it’s like Voo Doo only it’s only spells are ones that make the victim covered in poop.

Friday:


School was boring but that afternoon I found out that Silence of the Lambs was on at 10pm. Mum and Dad hate that kind of movie but I love it!!! I had to sneak into the lounge at 9:50pm when every one else was asleep. I had to be extra silent and I plugged earphones into the tv so no one else would be able to hear.

I was one excellent movie, especially when Hannibal escapes and when the chick was in the dark and the bad dude had night vision goggles on and had a gun pointed at her. Seriously good watching!!!

I’ve decided to be a movie scriptwriter as well. I’ll have to talk with Chris about it.

Saturday:


Found out that David Bowie isn’t an albino!!! His eye got damaged during a fight when he was 15 or something. I’m so going to have to pick a fight at school, after all how else am I going to make it look like I’m wearing cool contacts! And that would ALMOST make the school play bearable…almost.

I really think the school play needs a new director and who better than me! I once directed a Midwinter’s Night Dream with the pixies that live behind the sofa in the family room. We got rave reviews from PIXI NEWS. I even got an Alfred out of it which is their equivalent of an Oscar.

Actually I must contact my pixie agent to see what new plays need directing….

I went over to the Cheese Man’s house today and took him and his wife some brownies I made to look like monster poop. His wife apparently just got back from visiting relatives on the Toast… or did he say the coast? Anyway if there is a place called Toast I’d love to go there. I could eat it all I wanted with butter and vegemite on it! Mmmm…. I love vegemite. And I HATE Promite. Promite is just a cheep nock off that some silly person came up with. It tastes Terrible with a capital T!!

Anyway I showed Chris my cumquat story and he liked it. Then he changed all my typos and corrected them. But I told him it wasn’t my fault. Some nasty fluffy rabbits flew in through my window the night before and messed everything up. Somehow I don’t think he or his wife believed me. They said I had a ‘Wild Imagination’. But when you think about it is not imagination it is what really happens. I just write it down.

Anyway before I left The Cheese Man gave me some of his stories to read over and see how he writes.

Sunday:


The fairy infestation has come back. I rang all the exterminators, looking for a fairy specialist. I ended up calling Vic up ‘cause he knows all about girl and boy fairies and where you can find their queen.

When Vic came over around lunchtime we made a plan to map out where all the fairies were and then make me sick so I could stay home on Monday and have the house to myself to kill them all.

We went on planing and then played a game where we were ninjas (porcupine ones) from space who came to earth and were keeping the streets safe for the little old grannies. We caught two major bad mob bosses (Tim and Mia) that kept Mucus hostage until the highest gang leader called Big Daddy, came and rescued them. We barely escaped with our iceblocks intact!

Monday:


Vic and my plan for making me sick was that I eat some faithful old curried egg. Vic had stored some of him own to get out of a few days of school next week. So he lent me half. It actually tasted all right, even the fluffy bits of mould weren’t that bad!

I sat in bed for a bit of the morning and timed a vomit extremely well. Just as mum came in to wake me I rushed past her and headed for the loo. I did excellent sound effects! I even woke up Tim and Mia who mum hadn’t woken yet! Fun!

After everyone left I Found a new friend today while on my search to kill the fairies. His name is Bogwhomp and is a gnome. But he assures me that he’s one of he good ones. We tract the fairy nest down It was behind the fridge. The queen was hidden actually inside the fridge in a jar of marmalade.

To find her I had to eat most of it and then I drowned her in the sink with hot water. That will teach them to infest my house!!! After that the rest of them abandoned their posts and I gave them a map to Stephanie’s house. She always claimed she liked them.

When mum got home she wondered why there was no marmalade left. I didn’t want to tell her ‘cause I didn’t think she’d believe me. Parents, I’ve noticed, dislike hearing about fairies and other creatures that stupid books call mythical. I think I should go visit he authors and show them how wrong they are!!!

Tuesday:


Talked to The Cheese Man today about a new script. He had a few friends of his over who both like writing. One was Jim and the other Deb from across the road. Apparently they’re all writers who rake in a lot of money. I can’t wait to make my own!

Deb has graciously offered to edit all the stories and things I write, all I have to do is leave them in her letter box and she’ll put them in mine when she’s done. I’m so glad I have friends like her.

Wednesday:


I have successfully mutated a lemon! This is fast becoming an international hit! I can supply the world with all my wonderful, WONDERFUL mutant fruit then I will be rich, famous and can use all my wonderful money to use in all my other cool projects and assorted disasters.

Today I also carefully laid a plan out to be sick for tomorrow. I have used up all of Vic’s saved up curried egg so I’m going to have to use my own talents of faking.

Thursday:


Faked sick today and mum let me stay home. I spent the whole day rearranging my room so it became a pirate ship on an ocean! It was rather fun and I got to send the pixies from behind the couch, the monster under my bed and Bogwhomp to walk the plank!!!

It was sooooo much fun! And then after that they all joined my pirate crew and we went to pillage and plunder Mia and Tim’s room! It was sooo fun. I scored lots of books, drawing stuff and some DVDs.

Now all I have to do is stash it where they will never find it and make a special map to the treasure that only I can read.

I watched all the DVDs I kidnapped (mainly pirates of the Caribbean), I thought it was appropriate in light of my recent activities…. tee hee hee.

Friday:


Talked to Chris, our next-door Cheese Man, this afternoon. Mostly to get out of the house as my brother and sister have found things missing in their room. I know they’ll never find my treasure unless they make mum and dad get it from me. I’ll have to tell them at spoon point so I am adamant to keep out of the way for a while.

I watched Hamlet this afternoon and think I will contact my pixie friends who live behind the couch in the lounge room. I think I will direct a play of Hamlet. I think Chris will enjoy watching that sort of play. I must remind him to book his tickets!

Saturday:


Found an ogre under my toenail today. It was green and big. I had to get it removed using tweezers. Then I placed his cute little green body in a jar of water and watched him bob up and down until he got so full of water he swelled to three time his size!

I thought of giving my swelled ogre to Tim for his birthday but decided against it. I didn't think he’d appreciate the ART of it. But such is life when you live around the uninteresting art haters. So I’ve kept him and affectionately have called him Germima. Mia says that it’s a girls name but what would she know!

Sunday:


It’s not long until the school play is on. They made me change my costume back to what it originally looked like. They didn’t believe me when I told them that was what fairies really looked like.

The director rang mum today and had a big chat about how I’m sabotaging the play. But I just told mum after she asked me if I was, that the director was sabotaging her own play by not making it true to life. Mum didn’t believe me and gave me a talking to about ‘teamwork’. She really doesn’t understand!

Now I am going to make sure I sulk as much as possible around the play’s director. She’s already threatened to kick me out bit I know she won’t because it’s too close to the performance. I wish she would though, and then I wouldn’t have to wear the stinking costume. Not happy!

I really must put my evil plan into action soon. It’s so delicious and evil that I can hardly wait!!