"Rampage of the Monster Cumquat" by Emma-Jane C. Smith

“Ahhh!!! Finally my creation is finished!!”

[Lightening flashes and thunder rumbles ominously]

[Camera pans in on what is lying beneath the shroud on the mad scientist’s workbench]

“IT’S ALIVE!!!!!” the scientist screams.

The sheet is pulled away and there on the operating table is…… a cumquat? The evil genius laughs manically… his white hair wild about his head as though electrocuted (several times).

And then suddenly, as if hearing its master’s voice, its stork moved slightly.

“Igor!” The mad scientist screamed. “I saw it move!”

“Yeth thir, your creathion is alive.”

“Get me my camera at once then you fool! I must have proof of this masterpiece for my monthly newsletter -Madness and Home Decorating!”

Igor’s disfigured body shuffled from the room to do its master’s bidding.

But at Igor’s departure, the cumquat monster sat up….. it gnashed its teeth and set upon its distracted creator. With a bite, slurp and burp, the mad scientist was gone, never again to write another newsletter (which for the reading public at large was a good thing).

When Igor returned he found that the monster creation and his master had vanished. Unfazed by this he placed the camera upon the now unoccupied work bench and set about making the room more comfortable by throwing some more dust about and letting loose more web producing spiders.

He sang to himself as he worked. [music starts to play. Although slightly out of tune]

“The hilth are alive with the thound of muthic….”

Now fifty miles from Haunted Mad Castle [more lightening and thunder], the cumquat monster shook the earth with its heavy steps and chronic gas.

He had not seen any more yummy humans yet, as his chronic gas alone had warned everyone that something large and rather ‘potent’ was coming. Grumpily, the monster cumquat... who was mulling over which name to give himself, had to satisfy himself with animal life that had been unable to escape before his fumes of gas had overwhelmed them.

Suddenly, he stopped in mid bottom-belch.

“I shall call myself Moe!” he said excitedly. “It’s short for Monster.”

Energetically, he continued his slow, steady steps of earthquake proportion.

It wasn’t long before the vibrations of the monster cumquat’s footsteps reached the town of Smellingswirth. It’s inhabitants, fearing the world was ending and the sky was going to fall on their heads (which is silly unless it did actually happen to fall), immediately fled. Only one brave village outcast stayed. Stinkunsel knew she was the only one immune to the monster cumquat’s powers.

[Heroic, self-sacrificing music begins to play softly in the background, but gets louder the closer our herione gets to the monstocity that is Moe]

The stench of the monster cumquat named Moe, was visibly apparent. Trees wilted and turned to ash at every puut-puut from his backide. The last tripple-eyed wombat keeled over dead and was eaten.

Then all of a sudden Moe sees Stinkunsel positioning her matted wig over her bald head as she sat precariously on the tower’s only window sill.

[there is a sudden silence]

Stinkunsel sees Moe for the first time and smiles. Her stumps of black rotten teeth glisten slickly with her heavy saliva. Almost visible wisps of green eminate from her mouth due to the face that she, had never smelt her own bad breath (which would cause a normal person to either brush their teeth immediately or die).

The giant Moe picked her up with his stalk and placed her gently on top of a telephone pole.

“My name is Moe,” he told her.

“Mine’s Stinkunsel, but you can call me Stinky for short.” Stinkunsel replied in turn.

“What a beautiful name!” [soppy music begins and the world begins to be seen though foggy, romantic glass]

“I wish I was human,” the monster cumquat told her.

“Why is that Moe?” she asked.

“Because I am sick of being a man (and woman) eating cumquat… I want more out of life.”

“Well I like you no matter if you are a cumqaut or a man…”

[the romantic and saturatingly soppy music gets louder]

[Moe leans in and Stinkunsel leans in]

“Thtop!” orders a voice.

They both turned to see an unfamilar face, a face that would be unfamiliar to even its own mother. It was Igor.

“You can't kith yet. You aren’t married yet Mathter and Mithtreth!”

“Then marry us!” Stinkunsel announced.

“If you thay tho then.” Igor replied.

[Igor clears his throat and begins in his best clergyman voice]

“Mawage is wot bwings us togevwa today. Vat bwessed ocaven, vat dweem wivin a dweem. And wuv, twoo wuv is wot dees twwo have today.”

And they lived happily ever after in Haunted Mad Castle [thunder growls and lightening flashes]

And as Igor would say…

Wa Finith