"The Vampire and the Cumquat" by Emma-Jane C. Smith

As the cold wind blew, he heard a horrible howl. It made the cumquat’s stork shiver, and he began to think it was not such a good idea to have stepped out into the night. But at last the cumquat reached its destination... the one patch of Australia, not yet covered in the voluptuous white.

The cumquat sat down and tried to warm itself in that little patch of sun, but had little success with the cold wind blowing all around it.

"What I need now is a chainsaw,” the cumquat said, seeing a dark shape in the distance.

It emerged from a particularly large snowdrift. It wore a black and red reverse-able cape (you never knew which colour would suit the occasion). The cape was drawn up over the creatures face, leaving only the eyes and upper head free (which meant that it was getting cold snowdrops all through its hair). It came closer to the cumquat and revealed itself (it's clothed self!!). It was a vampire!!

*shockhorrorgasp*

"I vant to suck vour juice!" it said. "And lent its head forward, it's fangs dripping with the juice of another poor unfortunate fruit (probably some stupid lemon as the vampire's lips were puckered up because it had been bitter).

"Noooooo." said the cumquat sarcastically.

"Vot?" the vampire asked, shocked.

"Well isn't that what I'm meant to say?" the cumquat replied.

"Ves, but you vould say it viv more unadulterated vear."

"Vhy-er... Why?" the cumquat asked.

"Vecause vat is vot is meant to vappen!"

"Really.... why?"

"Vecause... it vust is."

"Why?"

"Oh ve quiet! I am going to suck vour juice, vether vou like it or vot!"

"But you see dear vampire... I am standing in the only sunlight in Australia... you cannot possibly touch me without killing yourself!"

"Oh darn it. I never thought of that... er.. I mean... I vever vort of vat."

"HEY! What did you say? You dropped your vampirish accent!"

"Vid vot!!"

"Did too!"

The vampire sighed.

"Yes, I confess it. I'm an Aussie vampire… I decided to go on a cruise and just as it was going past Australia, the other passengers found out what I was. It wasn't my fault they had a troop of grapes aboard providing the entertainment! And so they kicked me off, made me walk the plank even. I tell you it was the most terrible swim and cold to be sure. It took WEEKS to get all the salt out of my hair! So here I am, and I just happened to pick up an Aussie accent quickly."

"How long have you been here?"

"Oh only about two weeks."

"That was quick to pick our accent up."

"I blame it on all your juices I've been feeding on."

"Have you ever thought of turning a meatitarian?"

"No actually I haven't. I've always preferred being a vegetarian."

"Well how about I take you home to my place and you can try some meat to see how you like it. I think you'll like drinking blood even more!"

"Really? That would be wonderful! Err... one question."

"Yes?"

"Does blood stain clothes like fruit juice does?"

"Afraid so."

"Darn it. I was hoping it didn't."

"But look on the bright side, you can reverse that cloak of yours to the red side... that way no stains will show up!"

"What a good idea!"

And so the cumquat and the vampire went back to the cumquat's house to feed on a few humans the cumquat had in the deep freeze.

THE END