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Laura Beth Levinson

"Knights of Ys: Chapter One" by Laura Beth Levinson

SF&F Picture 5 out of 11 by Laura Beth Levinson
 
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Her parents told her tales all through her life of the land of Ys and her own destiny as the key to its secrets, yet Auriana had trouble believing the stories they told. It takes a horrifying turn of events to make her realize that the stories are true, or at the very least, that there are powerful people who do believe in it and are willing to do anything for it. A mix of fantasy, adventure, and romance, this is my first attempt at writing all in first person. This is the first chapter/prologue.
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            I always knew I was different.


            I have silver hair for one thing. Not grey, not pale blonde...actual silver hair. This was quite disconcerting as I grew up and attended school. After all, outside of video game villains, no one under the age of fifty had my hair color. Though my parents always told me that it was beautiful, they dyed it for me as a kindness once other kids started to pick on me. When I became a college student I stopped for awhile and found that many guys were attracted by it. Especially Drew, he found it quite arousing. He loved running his hands through it, telling me how much he loved it when I wore it down and how well it complimented my deep blue eyes. I think it was when I found myself dying it again just to spite him that I knew our relationship was over.


            My parents though...it was them who provided the main reason I always felt a bit isolated from everyone else. Ever since I can remember, they’ve been telling me stories of the lost city of Ys. If you look Ys up in an encyclopedia, you’ll get the same set of stories that everyone has been told for generations. The stories vary as to the reasons why, but the core of the story is that the city, located off the coast of Brittany, lay below sea level, protected from the water by a gated dam, the key to which was held by a king named Gradlon. His daughter, Dahut, stole the key from him to let her lover into the city, though some say she was tricked by Satan, and after opening the gate, the city was flooded and destroyed, only the king escaping to safety. Supposedly, Paris is named for the sunken city, as the name means in Breton, “Similar to Ys.” However, the story I learned, though containing some similarities, is different.


            Ys, I was told, was one of the most beautiful and prosperous cities in the ancient world. It was renown for the magical abilities of its people though they guarded their secrets well. Rumor also spoke of a source of great power, one that could affect the entire world, and it was up to the royal family to protect this power from ever being released. The guardianship was passed down through the female line, from princess to princess. There were four treasures that were needed to unlock the power, all containing unique magical abilities of their own. Each princess would be born with the inherent ability to use the gifts of the treasures, as well as being the only living soul to have the ability to use them to unlock the greater power. This was a closely guarded family secret, though like most secrets, someone learned of this. A malicious, evil stranger named Malik, came into the city with the intent of gaining the power for himself. He seduced the princess in his attempt to garner the key to unlocking Ys’ secrets. However, when he tried to unleash the power, the result was catastrophic destruction. The entire city was destroyed. The king escaped with his daughter and it is said that Malik somehow escaped the destruction as well. The four treasures were scattered to the winds in order to prevent the events from repeating themselves.


            This all made a splendid bedtime tale for a young girl growing up, and imagine my excitement when my mother would tell me that I was actually a princess, a long lost descendent of those who ruled Ys. Only I had the ability to rejoin the artifacts and unlock the great power that still lay within the now ruined city. This all made me feel very important and special and I never tired of hearing the tales of the ill fated city of my ancestors, imagining myself rebuilding the city and ruling it as its princess. Not all of the stories had me playing dress up, however. I recall bragging about my importance once in class at the age of seven, wanting to share the wonderful tales I had heard and let everyone know that I was really a princess. I was scolded for that, told never to tell another person about Ys. It was then that my father started to show me two pictures every night, one of a silver and gold wyvern in flight and the other, a blood red sword on a black background. He explained to me that if I ever saw someone with either symbol, I was to flee as fast as I could. I never quite understood why, but his tone was always so urgent and serious that I took it to heart, always keeping my eyes open for those markings.


            As I got older, I started to dismiss the tales, considering them mere bedtime stories of fancy that were told to amuse a little girl. I found it quaint and endearing that my parents would still tell me them despite my age and expected them to stop once I hit my upper teenage years. However, they didn’t. Every night my father would still show me the symbols with increasing urgency while my mother would always find time to retell some part of the Ys narrative. Their insistence that I was the princess of Ys always cast a bit of doubt in my mind whenever I tried to dismiss the stories outright. My parents weren’t the fanciful type and were quite grounded in reality. It was only Ys that they seemed adamant on which seemed to lend the story a little more credence, but I was still reluctant to believe.


            In retrospect, I wish I listened to them more, perhaps paid closer attention to the smaller details. I laugh at how fascinated I was by all of this, when now, the thought of my being keeper of a magical city fills me with sickening dread. If I truly believed in it as they did, perhaps things might have ended up a bit differently and they might still be alive today. Part of me knows, however, that what has happened since a fateful evening a month before my graduation from college, could never be changed.

←- Master of Light, Part 2 | Knights of Ys: Chapter 2 -→

DateNameComment 
20 Aug 2007:-) Jayne Leonard
Hi Laura!

I know you ask for constructive critism but i'm afraid i'm going to disappoint you. I feel it is important to tell people what it is they do right and what they need to carry on doing rather than just what they've done wrong (too many people are waiting to tell you that).

To be honest... i really liked it! (I don't comment on anything i don't like) It was really sharp and to the point, telling the reader what they need to know. I really like your transition though to adulthood and how fairy tales don't really exist - a bit like father christmas, easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc.

However, i can't help but feel that i want more in this chapter. What is her boyfriend like? Why did you get back at him by dying your hair? Maybe going into more detail about the character as well. Her father had urgency in his voice - how urgent? Is it going to happen today or is it important because it may happen in the future? It can't hurt telling us a bit more as you've already let us know part of the out come.

You must have a cracking story planned! Your very brave having part of the outcome in your first chapter instead of building up suspense.

Overall, i really liked it! The length of the piece is very attractive as it makes nice quick reading. Is this based on an actual legend? (sorry if that's a dumb question!) I think i've heard a story like it before and i really enjoyed it! So if you wouldn't mind keeping me up to date i'd love to read your next chapter...

*Sending you much first novelists love*
24 Aug 2007:-) Heidi Hecht
This is pretty good for a beginning. My only real critique is that you seem to give most of the story all at once, almost like you're doing a summary. You could have the first chapter be a little girl asking for a bedtime story and her mother tells her the legend of Ys. Also, in many stories like this, you kind of know that if everybody believes that the magical lost city is just a legend, it's going to turn out to be real sooner or later. You could make it so everybody thinks "Ys" was just an earlier, original name for "Paris" and the legend rose from real, historical events surrounding Paris.
7 Oct 200745 Amy 'Insom' Downum
Hey there! I was browsing the LJ plug thingies and saw something about first person, which is kind of my unofficial addiction, so I slipped in >.>

I find myself writing in first person quite often, especially when writing horror. I think it allows for a much deeper connection to the character than third person, even omniscient. That said, it should be an interesting way for you to develop the main character's adventures especially considering she's obviously different from those around her. I know the prologue isnt really the place for in depth insights into the character's mind, but it's still something to think about 1

You've set the stage for a beautiful story, cheers!
8 Nov 2007:-) Joshua Price
Hail fellow novelist-in-making! I was browsing the plugs, just discovering their presense and wondering if I should go ahead and put in one of my own for my novel or wait until I update what I presently have there. That remains to be decided...

So far, this starts of pretty interesting, and I'd say you've done well on the 1st person aspect, especially for someone trying it for the first time. I felt like I was listening to a girl (with a slight british accent for some reason) telling me a story, perhaps at a campfire or in a small home, but certainly at night. That or like a narrated start to a movie showing scenes related to the narration.

There are, of course, concerns with "not enough information". However, that mindset comes from my constant writing of a short story. As a novel, you can always explain things later, using the questions to capture the reader's attention and curiosity.

Oh, by the way, I detected a run-on sentence: "This all made me feel very important and special and I never tired of hearing the tales of the ill fated city of my ancestors, imagining myself rebuilding the city and ruling it as its princess." Remove the 'and' between 'special' and 'I' and turn those two into seperate sentence. That or making the "imagining myself..." part of it a seperate sentence.

If there's anymore to this, I'll try to take a look when I get the chance. I strongly dislike research papers... Also, if there IS more, you might want to consider cutting off posting stuff at a certain chapter, if you intend to publish this. Tease your audience with the early chapters, but don't give us the whole book. Otherwise nobody will buy it.

I believe that's all I got. Good luck with your novel!
18 Nov 200745 Alyssa B. Green
HEllo there fellow writer!
Alright, I read your story, and it seems that you have a very good plot line/idea set out. This is good. However, you gave away alot of it in the first chapter. Foreshadowing is tricky. You want to make the reader go 'huh, somethings up here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.'

The only other thing, I thought, was the mention of her silver hair. This is a good idea, yes, but try not to base differences on appearance. It occurs alot throughout stories and novels. It's okay to add that your character is odd looking, but other than that, it doesn't give readers much to go on. Things like odd events and emotions, (which you did have with her parents), can make a character more unique. Try to make your character as unique as possible. (This goes for everyone who has ever created a character) This doesn't mean they have to be out there, but the more you describe them- what makes them tick, the gestures they do, how they talk and move,the clothes they wear, their reactions to situations- all makes a character more real in your mind.
o.o
Sorry if I went off on a tangent there...
Anyway, in short, good story, just work on detail!
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About 'Knights of Ys: Chapter One':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Laura Beth Levinson
 • Copyright: ©Laura Beth Levinson. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Ys, Knights, Fantasy, Fate, Adventure, Romance, Fairy, Tale, Magic, Princess
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Romance, Emotion, Love, Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, European Traditions, Mythology, History-based, Parallel or Alternate Reality/Universe
 • Views: 302


More by 'Laura Beth Levinson':
Master of Light, Part 1
Legacy of Arren: Prologue
Ariameda and Dicaeopolis
Knights of Ys: Chapter 2
Prologue
Knights of Ys: Chapter 3
Master of Light, Part 2
Master of Light : Part 3

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