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Richard legend laws

"The Uglisest Princesses" by Richard legend laws

SciFi/Fantasy text 4 out of 7 by Richard legend laws.      ←Previous - Next→
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Meet Bob the fairy and Crumple-split-skin the un-moisturiesd gnome as they embark upon a plan of evil and nasty revenge on the cultures that made them outcast. See how they terrorise not only thier own kind, but also the human race and several birds as well.
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←- By Daemons be Driven | THICKER THAN WATER part one -→

The Ugliest Princesses

Once upon a time there was a fairy called Bob. Bob was not a happy fairy at all, mainly because all the other fairies picked on him. Bob was the only ginger fairy. He was also the only fairy with a big, bushy, ginger beard. All the other fairies had pretty dresses and star-bedecked wands. Bob’s dress was stained with mud and ketchup. Bob’s wand was grubby, it had been snapped in half and repaired with everything from sticky plasters to chewing gum. The star that sat on one end had lost a point, and the gold paint was peeling to reveal tarnished tin beneath.

One day Bob sat all alone on his favourite toadstool, far from the prying eyes of the other fairies, sobbing. His shoulders shuddered as he bleated out his unhappiness. He was crying after a particularly vicious bout of bullying concerning his ginger beard and filthy clothes. His tears rolled down his face and dripped from the end of his nose into his beard. It was not long before the beard was so wet, that it started dripping hot, salty tears onto the toadstool.

‘Oi’ called a voice. Bob cast his gaze about but could see no-one. Thinking he must have imagined it, Bob took a deep breath in and began to sob once more.

‘Oi’ called the mysterious voice again, somewhat angrier than before.

‘Who’s there?’ whined Bob. ‘I bet you fairies have come to torment me again!’ He resumed splashing the toadstool with tears.

‘Torment you?’ the voice said in exasperation. ‘You’re the one who’s making me all wet!’

Bob sniffled. He looked left. Nothing. He looked right. Nothing. He looked down. Nothing. And then a curious thought took a hold of him.

‘I didn’t know toadstools could talk’ said Bob in amazement.

‘Don’t be silly. Toadstools can’t talk.’ The voice gave a little giggle. Bob shrunk, tucking his chin into his chest.

‘What are you then?’ he sighed.

From beneath the toadstool emerged the ugliest, nudist, most disgusting gnome that any fairy had ever seen. Its skin was all blotchy and grey, riddled with warts and blemishes. Its thick, black body hair covered all the rude bits, except for a rosy red bottom covered with blisters and warts. His bald head was slick with hot, salty tears.

‘I,’ said the gnome, bowing, looking for all the world like he was mooning the world in general, ‘am Crumpled-split-skin.’

Bob was shocked. He had never seen a gnome, let alone a naked gnome, let alone the most disgusting and foul gnome ever to have existed.

‘Stop staring’ sighed Crumple-split-skin.

‘Sorry’ said Bob, ‘but I have never seen as foul a gnome as you before. Or any gnome for that matter.’

‘That’s not a very nice thing to say.’ The gnome looked hurt. ‘I didn’t say that you look like a pathetic fairy, what with your big wet ginger beard and those blood-stains all over your dress.’

‘Its not blood, its ketchup’

Crumple-split-skin nodded. Bob held out his hand. Crumple-split-skin took it and they both shook, the gnome with a massive smile on his face.

The two outcasts made firm friends as they talked. Crumple-split-skin wanted to know why the fairy had been crying so Bob told him all about the bullying he had been subjected to. Crumple-split-skin knew just how Bob felt and went on to tell his own tale, of how the other gnomes picked fun at his nakedness and ugliness, and his rosy-red bottom (which was culturally considered to be the sign of an idiot).

‘We need someone, a champion, to sort these bullies out once and for all’ declared Bob.

‘Well, you’re a fairy, why don’t you magically change them into frogs or something’ suggested the gnome, picking his nose.

‘That’s disgusting’

‘What changing people into frogs?’ said the gnome, surprised.

‘No. Picking your nose. And anyway, magic doesn’t work that way. It would only take one fairy to escape to undo all the magic that I did.’ Bob slumped, all hope gone. There was silence between the two, until the naked gnome spoke.

‘Then we will have to make sure that all the fairies and all the gnomes are in one place at the one time,’ a sly smile playing across his warty lips, ‘and I have a cunning and not so silly plan that might actually work.’ And with that, the gruesome twosome began to hatch their plans.

Meanwhile, in the Palace, the fairies were preparing for the coming of the new princess, who was to be called Candice-Marie. The Queen was busy decorating the nursery, bossing the fairies about and changing her mind about what colour the walls should be. The King was trying to put up a flat-packed Princess cot by bossing gnomes about and yelling at them when they said there were screws missing. Soldiers were running to and fro, doing whatever it is that soldiers do when they aren’t trying to kill people. Maids were giggling and goggling out of windows, trying to be the first to see the stork that would deliver the baby from the Cabbage Patch. Children were being rounded up by parents and hastily smartened for inspection by the Lord Chamberlain, who was looking for prospective playmates for the new princess. Everyone was full of busy.

Then, with a squawk, a maid who many considered the thickest, if not prettiest maid in all the castle squealed ‘I see the Stork!’ The castle was in uproar. The only words that could be heard above the noise of final preparations were ‘…cot is not ready…’ or ‘…maybe the walls should be pink…’ or ‘…the princess must be big, look at the size of the bundle the poor stork is carrying’. The stork was carrying a big bundle. Each wing-beat was laboured, and it began to look doubtful to the King and the rest of the spectators that the bird would make it to the castle walls.

With Herculean effort, the stork made the window ledge with the bundle in its beak, and then collapsed over the lintel and onto the King’s feet. The Queen screamed as the bundle toppled with the poor bird, and a quick-thinking knight leapt in the air and caught the Princess, which flattened him. A silent hush descended in the castle as the Queen and the King approached the bundle and prepared to show off their new daughter. The King stared lovingly at his Queen, who smiled and began to unwrap the bundle that was stirring atop the crushed Knight (who was turning blue).

The Queen glimpsed the Princess and suddenly went quite green.

‘My Queen, what is wrong?’ inquired the King.

‘Nothing, my King, but can you tell me, did we order twins?’

‘Twins, my Queen? I don’t think we did.’ The King was frowning so hard his crown dropped off. As he bent down to retrieve it, he found the delivery note tied to the Stork’s leg. He untied it and his jaw dropped.

‘It’s a special offer my Queen. Buy one and get one free!’

‘Buy one get what?’ The Queen was a little distracted. She was trying to pick up one of the Princesses, but the baby had the strangest ginger beard she had ever seen. As she lifted the baby for the King to see, he recoiled in horror. Eventually, gingerly even, he took the babe off the Queen and showed her to the assembled crowd.

‘Urghhh!’ said the assembled crowd.

Then the Queen showed off the other Princess, who was covered in warts.

‘Arrrgh!’ said the assembled crowd. The thickest, if not the prettiest, maid in the whole castle fainted. All the children ran away and the room was filled with a jingling sound as the soldiers trembled in their armour. Through gritted teeth, the Lord Chamberlain asked their names.

‘This is Princess Ginger’ said the King.

‘And this is Princess Candice-Marie’ said the Queen. The two evil looking baby Princesses smiled.

‘Goo’ they said.

As you have no doubt guessed, the evil looking babies were in fact Bob and Crumple-split-skin. They had hidden in the Cabbage Patch after changing the labels on the babies growing there. A very lucky farmer who would be a very good father received not the three baby farmers that he ordered, but three baby farmers and a baby princess who would bring him years of happiness. Very carefully, Crumple-split-skin had changed the label that had been tied to the big toe of the Princess to allow for twins. Then, using all the magic he could muster, Bob transmogrified the pair into human(ish) looking babies. When the stork had come, everything had been in order and he had taken the “twins” to the castle as the label instructed. The stork never really recovered from that flight, and was transferred into accounts later in the year. There he fell in love with a lovely swan, married and lived happily ever after.

But our story does not end there. For one thousand, eight hundred and twenty five days the two Princesses grew up in the Castle. They were very naughty. Princess Ginger was always breaking things, and getting very grubby. Princess Candice-Marie refused to answer to her name and would often run about with no clothes on at all! The Lord Chamberlain did not have much hair before the arrival of the two Princesses. He had none by the time it came to preparing for their fifth birthday party.

He had managed to round up ninety nine children who were slower runners than he was. The table was set for one hundred and one. He checked that all the magicians had tricks up their sleeves. He made sure the jugglers had their balls and all the clowns their massive shoes. He checked all the cakes to make sure they were sweeter than sweet and that all the balloons were blown up enough. But his most important task was to make sure the magic lantern was on the purple cushion, on the pedestal in the centre of the room. Traditionally, on her fifth birthday, the Princess could polish the magical lantern and receive three magical wishes from her fairy godmother. But, since the two Princesses had the same fairy godmother, they would still only get three wishes. Princess Ginger had wanted more than three wishes, stating that fairy law did not stipulate such a condition in the lantern-polishing/ wish-granting contract. The Queen had just laughed and told her off for using long words.

The party eventually began, late, because Princess Candice-Marie had tried to turn up wearing only her birthday suit. While the King and Queen were wrestling her into her dress, Princess Ginger got chocolate from the chocolate fountain all down her white dress and she too had to get changed (into jeans and a tee-shirt). The Lord Chamberlain organised the children into a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-soldier when Princess Candice-Marie said ‘Can I polish the Lantern yet?’

‘No, not yet Princess Candice-Marie’ said the Lord Chamberlain.

‘My name is NOT Candice-Marie!’ huffed Princess Candice-Marie. ‘When I am Queen I will have you all lined up and…’ she muttered under her breath. The Lord Chamberlain smiled sweetly, and the game was under way.

Next, the Lord Chamberlain had organised a game of Stretch (a bit like twister, but there are torture-racks involved). Princess Ginger came up and asked ‘Can I polish the Lantern yet?’

‘No, not yet Princess Ginger’ said the Lord Chamberlain.

‘But I want to’ whined the Princess but the Lord Chamberlain smiled sweetly and the game began.

After that game, the children watched the jugglers and magicians and clowns. Both Princess came up to the Lord Chamberlain and said ‘Can we polish the Lantern yet?’

‘No, not yet Princesses Ginger and Candice-Marie’ said the Lord Chamberlain.

‘My name is not…’ snarled Princess Candice-Marie, but Princess Ginger shouted over her.

‘But we are Princesses and we want it now’.

The Lord Chamberlain bowed his head. He was only the Lord Chamberlain, and had to do whatever the Princesses demanded, which is why he had so little hair.

‘Ok Princesses. You can both polish the Lantern now if you want to.’

The ugliest Princesses ran up to the lantern. Princess Ginger grabbed it and began polishing it with the sleeve of her tee-shirt. This just made the lantern dirtier because her sleeve was covered in chocolate, ketchup and other foods she had been handling at the party. Princes Candice-Marie snatched the grubby lantern from her.

‘Give that here, you useless Fa… Princess’ she said. Candice-Marie (or as we know her, Crumple-split-skin) began vigorously polishing the lantern with a skill that only a gnome can possess. It took only a few seconds for the lantern to be gleaming and bright. It shone like a torch in the hall, and with a ping, there appeared an elderly fairly with thick, jam-jar glasses.

The fairy turned to the two Princesses. ‘I am your fairy god mother and since you are now both the magnificent age of five, you may make three wishes.’

The hall was silent. All the children had their fingers crossed that the Princesses would get them something nice from the wishes, which is quite a selfish thing to hope really, when you think about it. Princess Ginger had other ideas however.

‘Our first wish, Fairy Godmother, is that all the fairies in the land are assembled in the hall right now!’

The fairy godmother looked surprised, but with a swish and a swash of her star-topped wand, all the fairies in all the land were magically transported into the hall. And what a sight to behold. Some of the fairies were in the middle of brushing their teeth, others were only half dressed, one fairy even had a face pack on, with cucumber over her eyes.

‘That is your first wish granted’ said the fairy godmother in a theatrical voice. Princess Ginger’s eyes gleamed, and many of the fairies mistook the gleam for a sign of happiness. But it wasn’t a sign of happiness, it was a sign of coming revenge.

The fairy godmother turned to the two Princesses. ‘What is your second wish?’ she asked. Princess Candice-Marie stepped forward and smiled.

‘Our second wish is that all the gnomes in the land are assembled in the hall right now!’

The fairy godmother looked even more surprised than before. ‘All the gnomes…’ she sighed, ‘ok.’

And with a swish and a swash and a swoosh of her wand, all the gnomes in all the kingdom were magically transported into the hall. And if you thought the sight of the fairies was funny, you should have seen the gnomes. One was having a wee (his back turned to the Princesses, luckily), another had been in the bath and was covered in bubbles from his bubble-bath, another had been lifting weights and was so surprised that he was suddenly in the hall, he dropped them on his head. The children at the party howled with laughter. The gnomes and the fairies went very red.

‘That is your second wish granted’ said the fairy godmother. ‘What is your third wish?’

Princess Candice-Marie and Princess Ginger both smiled at the Fairy Godmother and said ‘We want you to turn all the Gnomes and all the fairies in all the land into frogs and toads right now!’

The fairy godmother looked more surprised than ever before, and her skin went quite white. But, with a swish and a swosh and a swash and a stab of her wand all the gnomes and all the fairies including the fairy godmother turned into warty, slimy, grubby little toads. Every. Single. Last. One.

Including Princess Candice-Marie and Princess Ginger.

So, did they live happily ever after? Well, yes. Now that all the fairies and the gnomes were frogs, they didn’t have to do what the King and Queen said anymore, so some went on holiday to Spain whilst others went for a mud bath. The castle rejoiced that there was no longer two ugly, naughty princesses causing trouble in the castle. Bob and Crumple-split-skin were exactly like the rest of the frogs and toads, except that one had a big, bushy ginger beard and the other was covered in thick black body hair that made it look more like a rat. And they all lived happily ever after.

←- By Daemons be Driven | THICKER THAN WATER part one -→

25 Jul 2008:-) Leigh Wallace
This is amazing! I LOVE your style! It’s a lot like what I try to do, in fact, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to open a wyvern’s page along with my art page (which isn’t great), so I don’t have anything to show you. I’ll be back soon to read your other stories, and hope that one day I can invite you to my library! Anyway, glad to see someone with a sense of humour; I know they’re out there but they seem to be few and far between. Leigh

:-) Richard legend laws replies: "I dunno about opening a wyvern’s page i’m afraid, but thanks for reading this piece. I am not happy with it yet. I think that it needs a little more here and there. I do have a sense of humor, but sometimes i think i overwrite the jokes....

I’m looking forward to seeing some of your stuff... let me know when you upload! "
14 Nov 2008:-) Amy Ruth Schley
This is very cute! So is this why there are no more fairies or gnomes anymore? I love the humor, (Elfwood needs more funny writing!) and the comeuppance is great. I’ve been writing some humorous pieces myself, and would love to hear your thoughts.

:-) Richard legend laws replies: "I went looking at your stuff after i read this comment and i found ’The Diary’. I loved it, and i beg anyone who reads this to go and read it themselves- it was fab!"
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'The Uglisest Princesses':
 • Created by: :-) Richard legend laws
 • Copyright: ©Richard legend laws. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Fairies, Fairy, Fairy-tale, Funny, Gnome
 • Categories: Faery, Fay, Faeries, Humourous or Cute Things, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers..., European Traditions, Mythology, Juvenile, for Children, for Youth
 • Views: 1056

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