"Twelve Dancing Princesses" by H D Leonard

"Please Gary," Kara pleads putting on large puppy dog eyes that are almost impossible to say no to.

I fold the book on my lap; there's no hope finishing it now that my sisters want something. I stare around the room, at the twelve pairs of eyes watching me, some begging more than others, but all silently crying out for me to help them.

Twelve pairs of eyes, twelve sisters, and a whole lot of trouble. From Ara the eldest, right down to Mara the youngest (yes my father was remarkably unoriginal in his choice of names, my siblings are Ara, Bara, Cara, Dara; well you get the picture) they were all trying to beg, whine and cajole me into giving into them. How could I possibly say no?

"Let me get this straight, you're just going to open a portal to another realm in the middle of this bedroom?"

"Of course not silly," Lara giggles, "that's a silly plan."

"At last," I exclaim with relief, "someone finally agrees with me."

"We're going to hide it under the bed."

I roll my eyes with utter disbelief. "So what is it you need me for?" I ask with all the patience that my 18 years of living with them has taught me.

"The spell needs thirteen witches, and you being our favourite brother…"

"I'm your only brother. Go ask a maid or something."

"Please," they cry out in unison.

"I can't. I won't." I protest.

"It's not fair," Fara wails, crocodile tears rolling down her chubby cheeks. "You get to go out of the palace. Just because you're not kept a prisoner in this horrible, cramped, tiny, poky, nasty, dusty, icky room…"

"Okay, okay, I'll help. Just don't come running to me when father decides to burn you all at the stake for being…" they pounce on me, smothering me with hugs and kisses, muffling any other reply I might have had. Oh dear what have I let myself in for?

***

"We can't sacrifice a mouse," Mara pouts, "I like mouses."

"Mice," I correct automatically, "besides," I screw up my eyes trying to read the tiny text better, "I think it says moose."

"We had chocolate mousse for dinner. I'll go get the leftovers," Hara cries delighted.

I think better of correcting her.

"Now, who has the eye of newt?" Ara asks, taking charge of the situation.

Bara thrusts a live frog into her Ara's face, the older girl squealing her disgust. Bara winks at me, then turns to her still cowering sister, "it's near enough, though if you want me to get a newt," she finished the sentence with a smirk.

"Hair of dog?" Ara asks gathering herself together once Bara dumps the frog in on top of the goop already in the cauldron.

"I got some of Iria's hair," Kara cries, "she's a…"

I grab it and throw it in on top of the amphibian. There's no way I'm letting the bickering have a chance to start in earnest.

Half an hour later the pot is full and we're ready to start chanting.

"It's meant to be done under a full moon," Dara protests, pushing her witch's hat out of her eyes.

"What and wake up the entire house?" Bara exclaims. "Besides it will be dark, how will you read the book? Now someone better shift the bed."

"Gary." All eyes turn upon me again. "We're only poor weak girls and princesses and soft and delicate and you're such a big strong handsome prince…" Fara says melodramatically.

"Sure, whatever," I say the very idea that I'm stronger than them is utterly ridiculous. "I'm going to need some help though."

Bara gets up and helps me drag the bed into the middle of the room. Gasping for breath I look at my favourite sister, breathing a thank you. But she's staring with disbelief at something behind me. Slowly I turn round, jaw drops at the sight of the wall.

Bara chuckles, breaking the silence, turning to the rest of the crowd "looks like there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is all our preparation has been a waste of time."

"The good news?" someone prompts.

"There's already a portal here."

***

Here's the point where you want to hear about all our wonderful travels and the handsome princes. Well it didn't happen quite like that.

First we had to tidy up.

Correction; they supervised me cleaning their room.

Second we had to do our hair and make up and bathe.

Correction; they had to. By the time they'd finished there wasn't enough hot water in the kingdom to make a cup of tea, let alone let me clean myself.

Then we had to wait till night, I had to sneak into their room and get the bed moved as quietly as possible - which in a room full of excited girls going 'sssshhh' constantly is more difficult than it sounds.

But we did everything and then we got to step through the portal.

***

I screamed in terror. They screamed in terror.

"Crazy kids!"

"Damn weirdo's!"

Lights flashed. Sounds squealed.

"I want my daddy," Mara howled.

We had to get off of it. I turned to Bara "get everyone to hold hands." She looked at me blankly for a few moments before the colour began to return to her face as she understood what I was saying. It took hardly any time at all for us all to be linked together and I pulled them out of the way of the strange wheeled monsters.

"Where are we?"

"I don't know," I replied to the voice.

"How do we get back?"

"I don't know." Why did they think I had all the answers?

"I WANT MY DADDY!!!"

"Dara hush Mara," Ara commanded.

"Is this what outside looks like?" They all looked at me.

"No."

"Oh great."

"Lovely costumes, you going to a party?"

Attention was diverted to the strangely clad man who'd butted in.

"No," I found my voice.

"You want to?" he asked the girls, ignoring me completely.

"Yes," Ara smiled. They all smiled, suddenly he was their god and I was forgotten completely.

"You do know Halloween was last week?"

"What's Halloween?"

Oh dear.

***

It was not what I would call a party. It was not what they would call a party either but somehow they all managed to have fun despite my disapproving-brother-stare. Somehow - and I really don't want to know how - they all managed to get themselves dressed in the native clothing.

Then it became lighter and they became more tired and finally we made our way back to the spot where we arrived in this realm and lo and behold if the portal was not there waiting for us to return.

The girls all tumbled into bed and I crept back to my room vowing never again. But they had other ideas.

***

It must have been three months until father cottoned onto the fact that something was amiss, and another three before he decided to do anything about it. By this time the girls were more native to the strange land than this one. They had friends and boyfriends, and great fun; in fact the only reason I think they bothered returning was so they'd have somewhere to sleep. Well anyway, father called us to his room.

"Ara, why are your shoes always in ribbons each morning?"

"I don't know father?"

"Bara, why are your shoes always in ribbons each morning?"

"I don't know father."

And so on, and so on.

"Gara, why are your shoes always in ribbons each morning?"

"It's Gah-ray," I correct "and there's nothing wrong with my shoes."

"Gary?" he looks confused for a moment, turning my name over in his mind undoubtedly. "Oh yes, my son." He turned next to Hara. "Harry, why are your shoes always in ribbons each morning?"

"Hara," she corrects.

"Hara?"

And on. And on.

"Well seeing as no one knows why they're shoes are in a mess I'm going to make a royal proclamation. Hmmm…" he yawned looking off out the window, staring into space.

"Father?" Jara finally prompts him.

"What? Oh yes, proclamation. Whomever discovers the cause of this mystery shall have one of your hands in marriage and rule half the kingdom."

"But father…" they protest.

"BUT FATHER!!!" I yell louder. "It's going to be my kingdom. What about my inheritance? I am heir."

"As I said, half of my kingdom to whomever solves the riddle. You all may go."

NO!!! I had a mind to tell father what was really happening just to reclaim my birthright. Then again twelve pairs of murderous eyes are enough to make anyone think twice - even people who aren't terrified their father with insist on fulfilling the proclamation to the full and marrying you off to one of your sisters as a 'reward'.

***

"Oooh, he's so handsome," Kara cooed.

"I wouldn't mind giving him my hand," Lara giggled.

"Girls, remember the plan," Ara chided.

"But…"

"No buts. Remember what will happen if he discovers our secret."

"One of us will marry him and rule half the kingdom," Lara smiled dreamily. "I wonder which half?"

"Probably the top half."

"What?" they all stare at me.

"Nothing."

"Now Gary did you get the sleeping potion?

"Yes, I went to the apothecary - I mean chemist - in the strange land. Using the strange paper money - which I don't care how you got - I bought the pills." To prove my point I tossed Ara the bottle.

"Good, now all we need to do is to crush a few and put them into his drink."

"I don't see why we don't just get Iria to tell them a story…"

***

"So," my father, the king, boomed. "Did you discover the secret?"

"No," the young man replied meekly.

"Off with his head!"

Pushing my way past my sisters, who following my example had their ears pressed to the door I stepped inside. "No."

"Who're you?" father squinted. "Oh, Barry."

"Gary," I sigh, correcting him yet again. "You can't kill him."

"I'm King, I can do what I want." And I wondered where my sisters got their childishness from.

"But your Majesty you can't. If you kill this young man his father will declare war on the kingdom."

"Will he?" the King asks the prince.

"Probably," the boy mumbles.

"Oh dear. But it is in the rules that if you fail…"

"No it isn't," I protest.

"Did you read the small print? Now off with his head." The large finger wavers around the room before resting in my general direction.

"Father, I'm your son."

The hand moves over to the ghostly pale young man. "His head."

As soon as the guards escort us out I search my pockets. "How much?"

"Are you offering us a bribe your highness?" the guard doesn't even have the decency to look surprised. I wonder how often this sort of thing happens? Well it wont when I'm ruler. If I'm ever ruler.

"How much?" I ask again.

"We can't possibly…" Token protest? Perhaps not.

"You know he'll have forgotten all about this by tomorrow."

"But disobeying orders…"

"1 gold coin?"

"10 gold."

"2 gold."

"Each?"

"Done" I hand over the 6 sparkling coins, wait for the guards to scuttle off before turning to the prince. "You can send me the twenty gold payment when you return home. Now you'd better go."

"Twenty gold? But you paid…"

"You want me to call the guards back? Twenty gold, nonnegotiable."

"No…"

I sigh, "I'll have to see it your horse is released from the stables so you can get home safely. I'm putting my head on the line here. Besides, I'm going to need the money when the next fool who ends up trying his luck here gets sentenced to death. I'm not trying to make a profit out of stupidity."

He nods, realisation slowly dawning. "Okay, I'll have the gold sent."

***

I should end the story here.

My sisters continue enjoying themselves in the other land, with their lovers who they eventually marry.

A few princes learn a very wise lesson.

And I get to inherit the kingdom whilst making a tidy profit in releasing the aforementioned princes. Of course, the fact that most of the realms princes are due me their lives means that when I finally do rule the land is basked in the warm glow of peace.

Yes, that's the way it should end. But you know it doesn't, don't you? So what way does it end? Well I'm just getting to that.

From twelve spoilt brats my sisters turned into twelve moody teens (and twenty-something year olds). They drank, they danced, you don't want to know what else they did. Use your imaginations, it's undoubtedly far better than anything I can think of. I have little doubt both of our imaginations will fall short of the truth though.

What's worse is they started ordering me around, as if I was their servant and not heir to the throne. They were right though; I was no longer heir. Father had thrown away my birthright whilst offering my sisters a prize for their misbehaviour. Life's so unfair.

So I decided to turn the tables on them. Now, I couldn't possibly tell father myself, if any of them found out my life wouldn't be worth living.

Well anyway, I was sitting on the edge of the fountain at the sit outskirts, musing over my plan waiting for the next prince to arrive when my thoughts were interrupted by a voice, "good day."

I looked up to find a soldier, neither young nor old, handsome or ugly. Plain as plain can be, but there was an intelligence and kindness carved into that face than I'd never seen upon any prince. Father never said it had to be a prince that won the prize.

"Good day," I smile in response. "Care to share my lunch?"

The soldier nods, "that would be greatly appreciated, kind stranger."

"I'm Gary, now we're strangers no longer," I reply dividing up the picnic I had made for me.

"Sam."

"A pleasure."

"All mine."

"So are you here to win the hand of one of the princesses and half the kingdom?"

Genuine surprise crosses Sam's face. "Well I wasn't planning to. What use would I have of either?"

I smile, "well you don't have to take either, but think of the fame…"

"I have no need of glory."

I frown, munching on an apple, trying to think of what might appeal to this strange person. "What of helping a kingdom in need?"

Soft smile. So I have struck gold after all.

"I can help you."

"How? Why?"

"How, by giving you some information and a gift. Why, for numerous reasons that would undoubtedly bore you to tears. But in return I want you to refuse your reward."

A nod of agreement. Great the kingdom's almost mine again.

"First take this." I hand over a strange item called a trench coat (you don't want to know why I was carrying that around, another long boring story). "If you put this over your clothes it will allow you to blend in and ensure the princesses do not realise they are being followed." My sisters wouldn't notice if they were being followed by a large pink dragon. The coat is needed to stop the other-worlders noticing the soldiers strange clothes. "Second, they will offer you wine that has been drugged. If you refuse to drink they will be suspicious."

"A sponge?"

I laugh, remembering an old story. "Surely they would notice if you dribbled wine onto a sponge, if they didn't notice the fact you had a sponge tied under your chin in the first place." I shake my head. "I'll ensure your drink is not drugged." I am after all the one that supplies the sleeping pills, it should be simple enough to switch them for something harmless.

"Third?"

"Third, take a few souvenirs to prove your tales; your story will seem wild without them."

"Thank you for your advice."

"Good luck."

***

I can only assume all went according to plan, but I wasn't present during any of it. The next morning, for a change, father decided to summon us all to the throne room. I'm standing bright and breezy, much to my bleary-eyed-yawning-sisters annoyance in my usual place between Hara and Fara.

"So did you discover the secret of what happens to the shoes?"

(Should I point out at this point in time the shoe incident has only happened a few times, mostly my sisters are sensible enough to switch into proper shoes. Oh never mind, it ruins the story nit-picking like this.)

"That I did."

The girls snicker, ready to deny everything.

"Bad luck, off with his head."

"I did," Sam says louder, managing to shock my father.

"You did?" he asks suspiciously.

"Yes your highness. They travel through a secret portal to a strange realm where they meet boys and they dance."

"Is this true?"

"No father dearest."

Sam sighs, "I have proof. These are strange items I took from the branches of trees."

We all stare as the soldier hands my father three objects. The first is of a strange material called plastic (or so I learned in my brief time in the other realm), in all other ways it resembles a twig from a tree. The second is a red plastic flower and the third a piece of sparkly, glittery metal stuff called tinsel.

"And I took these cups," Sam continues. A red paper beaker from a fast food restaurant, a clear plastic cup that would be mistaken for glass if not for the fact it is impossible to break when dropped and a plain white styrofoam cup. No one makes cups out of such exotic materials here. "Now do you believe me?"

The king nods, "which one do you want?"

Sam looks up and down the line as if considering.

"Take her, she's the youngest."

"Take me I'm the prettiest."

"Take the oldest.

"Take…"

"Ughh, I'm not marrying an ugly old soldier."

"Me neither."

"Iria fancies him."

"Do not."

"I fear they do not wish to marry me," Sam says.

"Since when has their wishes mattered? Take one or I'll choose. If you don't marry one what will people think? That I've raised a brood of hags."

A slender finger runs up and down the line before settling upon me.

My stomach lurches. "You can't marry me, I'm a boy."

The soldier smiles, "that's all right then."

"Daughter," father mutters. "I said you could marry a daughter."

"No you didn't," the girls' chorus, utterly relieved.

"I can't marry a man," that's not what's bothering me but it's as good an excuse as any.

Laughter fills the air, Sam's eyes sparkle sapphire. "Who ever said I was a man? They do allow women in the army these days."

"Oooh a happy ending," Jara chimes.

"NO!!!" I protest, as yet again the world collapses around me.