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Stories / Stories / Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan / Text 22 of 33 / Succubus*

"Succubus*" by Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan

SciFi/Fantasy text 22 out of 33 by Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan. ←Previous - Next→

Poem about a succubus written at midnight.

←- Spindle Red | Sweet * -→

Drink you down, like honey wine

Berry lips, your always mine

The taste of skin, so divine

I smirk upon your desperate pine

Draw you close to play with fire

Know you are my one desire

Our souls can readily transpire

And bodies meld to take us higher

Will you flee from desert heat?

And fear the death of love made neat?

Where tigers hunt you for your meat

Love is primal, nothing sweet.

Drink me down on blood stained lips

The flaming sun, the moons eclipse

That linger at my fingertips

Enchant you in my swaying hips

When you wake, you’ll weep with fear

And through your bones the pain must sear

My power o’er you will be clear

You’ll wait for me as night draws near

You’ll wait for me with burning tears

←- Spindle Red | Sweet * -→

Date	Name	Comment
9 Nov 2004	Stephan Calloway	Loading... ... you know, if i forget on more [First Comment Dance] ... I may be forced to tatoo it to my forehead... no wait, that wouldn't work either cuz I'd never see it ... ::walks away mumbling to self:: Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan replies: "lol"
9 Nov 2004	Stephan Calloway	Loading... Very nice. Keeping in mind I don't usually read much poetry (cuz I don't write it, I suppose) - but you definitely have a knack with prose! One thought, and only on style. What if you put a blank line, or one with an elipse, between the last two lines? Something like You’ll wait for me as night draws near ... You’ll wait for me with burning tears I only say that because all the stanza's are 4 lines; with the elipse the last stanza would also be 4 lines, and the last line might carry more strength... Anyhoo - nicely done. Let me know when you post more, I'm an eager reader and becoming quite a fan! Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan replies: "Thank you for the comment. I think you may be right about the last stanza needing elongated. I shall look into it.A fan? blushesI shall gladly let you know when I update "
13 Nov 2004	Joslyn Rubin	Loading... wells.. hmm.. i likerz this one tambien! (im bored so im making up new words and speaking spanglish..) I think that Stephan might be right on the last line thing. but its more um.. formatting than style. doesnt make a difference really. I liek the rhytme. its so natural.. Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan replies: "I'm afraid I'm a german scholar rather than a spanish one. Thank you for the comment. I'm glad you liked it "
12 Jan 2005	D!zzy	Loading... Its so awesome, i LOVE it, ur very talented good job!!!!!!! Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan replies: "thank you very much for your comment- I'm glad you liked this "
16 Apr 2005	Alice Muffin Girl Smith	Loading... ~ Berry lips, your always mine < "you're"? I'm sad to say that the line "I smirk upon your desperate pine" was such a confusing word choice for me--I mean, "pine"? Pine as in "pining"? Pine coffin, pine tree?--that I suddenly decided that the narrator was talking to a plank of wood. Needless to say, the situation deteriorated quickly upon reaching the next line: "Draw you close to play with fire" ...Indeed. wipes tears from her eyes Yes, so sad, my misunderstanding of your imagery. puts a hand over her mouth to, ah, cover her sobs ^_~ Lyndsay E. Gilbert aka Liadan replies: "Thanks- yeh I guess 'pine' isn't so clear- but it follows depserate so I mean the sound akin to a whine. thankies for your comment Liadan x"
1 Jun 2005	Alexandra Jeanne Savoy - Knitter	Loading... I loved this! Great imagery, and it flowed smoothly. I was also confused at 'pine'...you use it as a noun...maybe, change it to 'I smirk as for me you pine' or something akin. But it's pretty minor, and can work either way. The ending was very powerful. Great job!