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Logan Pickup

"Samis and the Pearl of Light" by Logan Pickup

SciFi/Fantasy text 13 out of 22 by Logan Pickup.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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Just a wierd little story I came up with. Don't be afraid to be harsh with this one - I want to make it really good. Yes that means you can nit-pick about tiny details.
update: Thanks to kind comments I have revised this and fixed the problems mentioned.
Updated again. Getting there...
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←- Mortal Magic part 5 | The Path of Least Forgiveness -→

Samis slithered along the floor, the blackness of his surface hiding him well within the shadows of the tall sentinels. Like an eel he slid stealthily from shade to shade, and the bug-winged ferrets circling overhead saw him not. All his sensors stood out - his belly-ear hugging the ground; his porous skin shuddering at the acid smell in the air; his inky eye shining in the darkness. Creepily he flowed against the stony foot of a sentinel and held himself upright.

Samis froze, his belly-ear twitching. He could hear a crackling, spitting sound around the corner. Slowly a pool of light grew from around the corner, illuminating the dim landscape in bright purple-pink. Samis flattened himself against the foot of the sentinel. The spitting sound, like raindrops on hot coals, grew louder. Slowly a sluglike body pulled itself into view on fingerlike limbs. Its glowing body was the source of the light, filled with tiny night-eyes. Fat purple sparks leaped off it, hissing in anger when they fizzled on the ground.

Samis could feel his skin crawling, and he reached out a tendril as furtively as he could to stop it getting away. A spark leaped from the glowing creature and landed on Samis. Chittering happily, it ran behind him and sat there. The glowing creature stopped and turned. It went to the place where Samis had been hiding and inspected it carefully with all of its night-eyes, but Samis had already slid over the foot of the sentinel and was speeding stealthily away.

When he was far from the purple glow, Samis stopped and tried to brush away the spark, but it, now glowing a joyful green, was too quick. Samis settled for glaring at it meaningfully, which at least made it dim its glow and stop wriggling. He continued on, slithering between the shadows of the sentinels, always keeping the spark out of sight.

Samis peered around the heel of the sentinel he was behind, and blinked. There it was, throwing silver light out into the murky darkness - the Pearl of Light. His eye began to water, the blackness quivering. He had finally found it. As he sat there, staring at it, he felt a sharp pinch in his side. He coiled back and glared at the spark sitting there, but it looked indignantly right back. He glared at the spark once more for emphasis, and then peeked around the sentinel again.

In the radiant glow of the Pearl of Light he could see three fire-bulls stalking the area, their ruby eyes searching the darkness. Samis crept closer, silent and careful, until he could almost touch it, if he should just extend a tendril... but there were no more shadows to hide in.

Samis quivered with anticipation. He was so close! The spark looked worried. Samis abandoned all caution, and, slipping out of the shadows, he pounced on the Pearl of Light. The covering of its light made the fire-bulls snap their heads towards Samis and without hesitation they sprung alight, flames leaping down their coal-red sides, and charged.

Samis hefted the Pearl and ran. He could feel the hot breath of the bulls stinging his skin, but he dared not look back. He ducked and darted between the sentinels, dodging the clumsy fire-bulls, but the bug-winged ferrets had caught the alarm and were swooping towards him. He leaped from side to side, deftly avoiding their dives, but the fire-bulls had caught up to him again, and there was a purple glow coming towards him. He ducked between two sentinels and ran to the side,

and everything fell silent. Samis ran right into a purple night-eye creature, but it stayed still. Samis scampered in the other direction, looking twice at the fire-bulls frozen in mid-stride. Still he ran, until a giant hand reached down and plucked the Pearl of Light between two massive stony fingers and lifted it into the air. Samis clung to it for dear life, closing his eye tightly and gripping as hard as he could with his tendrils. Another giant hand grasped Samis and pulled him away before lifting him in front of a great, yellow eye. It regarded Samis, struggling to reach the Pearl, then tossed him far away, to the edge of the land of the sentinels.

Samis lay for a long time among the rocks. Even the concerned pinching of the spark, now a worried pink colour, failed to rouse him. Eventually, however, he did get up, and without a backward glance slunk away among the rocks. The spark clung to him, and became his best friend, but although Samis escaped that day with his life intact, the same cannot be said of his heart, which yearned for the Pearl of Light evermore.

←- Mortal Magic part 5 | The Path of Least Forgiveness -→

DateNameComment 
17 Apr 2002:-) Samantha I. Hosea
Even first comment... well, since you explicitely asked, here some nit-picking: I wouldn't use twitching again in the second paragraph... you just used that word and I loved it there, but to use it again after such few words!??! I don't know. If you can find a better alternative...I'd say, use that one...
...hissing in anger as they fizzled on the ground... brilliant!!!
I'm confused a bit...but I think that's because I don't know certain words... oh, never mind... I should read more carefully. My fault.
Meaningfully. Typing-mistake there.
No description of the Pearl of Light?
Purplish glow...hmmm... I don't know. purplish is a weird word. Doesn't look nice and doesn't feel different from purple to me...
And the italic part... I don't get it. Why italic?
So far for me trying to be helpful. Like the end. You should give the sprk an even bigger part, I think. Nice concept...

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "Thanks about the repeated word, I hate it when I do that, I'll fix it right away! Not sure what you're getting at with meaningfully, could you explain a bit more please? Description of the Pearl of Light - noted, but I'm not sure if I'll do anything about it. I'll have to think about it. And you're right about purplish, I'm not really sure what I was thinking. I mean, it would work if I was saying purplish-brown or something like that, but I'm not, and now that I think about it I *mean* purple and not just sort of purplish. The italics are difficult to explain... but I actually wrote this one on paper to begin with, and I wrote it that way there, so this is just a literal transcription. Indulge me on this one. Thanks for all that, I'll put up a new version with my next update."
2 May 200245 Diedra Rater
I came up with a couple suggestions too.

-"When he was far from the purple glow" is an introductory dependent clause, so it needs a comma after "glow"
-You spelled it "meaninfully"; you need a "g", unless the glare was full of "meanin"
-"slipping out of the shadows" is a nonessential participial phrase, so you need to surround it with commas.
-I think the italic is great for emphasis, but I feel it'd make more sense if you didn't divide the italic stuff from the rest of its paragraph, but that's just my opinion.

I think it's really cool how you chose to keep the exact situation and creature name (and by name I mean type, like ogre or fae) and the exact charactersistics/utility of the spark a mystery. It's harder to imagine, but I think it works really well.

And now I have the bad news. I have managed to catch on to you. I know you are obsessed with the Fellowship of the Ring. Oh, I know. "It wasn't *supposed* to be Gollum!" and blah blah blah. You obviously can't get him out of your head. I think you need some serious help.

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "All things noted and fixed, be there next update. You have a much better grasp of grammar than me, I didn't even know about that stuff. The 'g' in meaningfully was supposed to be in the last update, but it didn't change for some reason. Yep, I know the way the italics break the paragraph is strange, but it's staying that way.
Are you trying to suggest *Samis* is Gollum?? No... could it be true? Am I unhealthily obsessed with LotR? Help me please! HELP ME DIEDRA!!"
19 Oct 2002:-) Frances Monro
Lovely! Samis reminds me of some kind of a deep sea creature, a slug or a slime mould. I especially liked the part where his skin was crawling and he had to stop it from getting away! *giggles* Poor Samis, he doesn't get the Pearl of Light. And the animate sparks were cool too. In all I enjoyed this. I like strangeness.

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "Yep, strangeness is good. I pretty much made this up as I went along, that being the intention while writing this. Thanks!"
13 Nov 2002:-) Renče Grant aka: cozzybob
I'm not sure why I didn't read this before, but when I saw the illustation in loth I was addicted to those bug winged farrets. *squeal* Well, I think your style works fairly well in this type of a story. Very compatible. I'm also with Deidra on the gollum thing. He's easily spotted in the story if your looking for him. Of course, even though that's true, Gollum still rules the universe and that makes Samis cool all the more, even IF he wasn't SOPPOSED to be gollum. I really like the little spark of light and how it changes colors and bounces around and such. The bulls are fun too! ^-^ My FAV are the bugged winged farrets. They just sound so... coool and instantly give the impression of sly tricksters. lil devils. hehehe

well tis a cool lil piece. wish I could find something to nitpick at. (you know I'd love that... lol) but it seems the crowd has beaten me. *sigh* oh well. can always go ahead critize my own.

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "I'm kinda fond of the bug-winger ferrets too, but they don't have a huge part in the story, do they? Thanks though, I'm glad you liked it."
12 Oct 200345 Pixiefrog
Eee, sweet. And straaaaaaaaaaangee. Eee, that only has ten as doesn't it? Well, I loved the story. Though I find it kind of strange and scary that the purple slug cold just *make* life of the sparks. Kay I'm done.
7 Jul 2004:-) Rawien
I love this one! It's strange. I want a spark companion...
I can't really find much to nit-pick at, just a word choice that seem a bit redundant in the second paragraph, where you repeat "around the corner" a sentence after using it. No big deal, really, but it might flow better if you omit one and/or find a different way of saying it.
I love the ending. Very cute story.

~Willow Nocturne~

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "Thanks! Noted and fixed 12 It may be some time before the fixed version makes it here, though."
26 Sep 2005:-) Ruth 'Cookie Monster' Browne
Well that was certainly original. I enjoyed the way you didn't explain anything, and left everything to the imagination. My view of Samis is a black, sluglike thing with one eye. Not that you really wanted to know, but anyway. 2
And this isn't the sixth part of Mortal Magic. Damn!
Oh, I'm going to wander away for now, so I thought I should tell you that you're one of the only authors here who writes stories that I'm actually interested in. That is, I can comment on your stories without having to feign interest. Yes. Oki... no more ego-inflating. Ciao.

*cookie_monster*

:-) Logan Pickup replies: "No, this isn't the sixth part of Mortal Magic - that stalled a while ago. I threaten to return to it every now and then, so I might do that again soon. November would be a good time, come to think of it. Hey, do you know about NaNoWriMo? Even though the website doesn't seem to work right now... it should at the start of next month though.

Heh, sidetracked. Thank you!"
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'Samis and the Pearl of Light':
 • Created by: :-) Logan Pickup
 • Copyright: ©Logan Pickup. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Bug-winged, Bugwinged, Bulls, Ferrets, Fire-bulls, Firebulls, Light, Pearl, Samis, Sentinels
 • Categories: Humourous or Cute Things, Self made up Fantasy/SciFi Animals
 • Views: 462

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The Path of Least Forgiveness
Mortal Magic part 2

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