| Date | Name | Comment | | | 8 Apr 2004 |  D Joelle Duran |  Loading...Eek! Is this saying what I think it's saying? *shudders* I fear so. Poor 'test/experiment/subject/victim/etc.' The cruelty of curiosity is quite dismaying. One thing: 'Its piercing eyes seem to quell with a watery fear.' You're using 'quell' in a strange way here. Quell what? Good work!  Adrian H. Wood replies: "Wow you are quick! Already commented before I even realized my ticket came through! 
I'm not sure if it's saying what you think your saying (since you didn't tell me, hehe), but I'll leave it open to individual perception. You're quite right that the cruelty of curiosity is dismaying, the narrow-mindedness and rash decision-making of a good few people even more so though.
Argh, I did it again with that 'quell' word, I mean 'swell' of course but speaking 4 languages gets me damned confused now and again and foreign words sneak in
Well thanks ever so much for stopping by and leaving your thoughts, they're always hugely appreciated!!" | |
| 9 Apr 2004 |  Jkelley2 | Loading... oh wow, I really liked this. I never saw it coming that the test subject was an ape especially considering his ability to reason. Great job Adrian H. Wood replies: "glad you liked it and that i didn't spoil the surprise this time " | |
| 13 Apr 2004 |  Becca Lusher | Loading... Ah very creepy and very clever, after all who knows what others are thinking unless we have an understandable form of communication ... bloody humans think we're so hot *mumblemumblebizarreramblings* *ahem* And oooo-er get you with your "i speak four languages so i'm allowed to make mistakes" I don't speak four but i always make mistakes deal with it *evil chuckle* oh and have a few presents... "*A fleeting image* of a cascading needle, nauseating flashes, howling sirens and blood-curdling screams." - I don't know, hmm just the singular use of image doesn't sit with me, seems like you use more than one example that's all. "My only point of fixation on reality draws me like sugar* *an ant." I get what you're saying and technically there probably isn't anything wrong with the sentence, but if you read it aloud it just sounds odd - reality drawing? But what does it use for hands? (sorry *hitsselfrepeatedly*) "As they approach, bunches of khaki forms *jumps* out" - Lots of things jumping, but a rogue S in the pack there (gets odd mental pictures of forms on khaki paper...how odd...i can't read the questions) *decides this has done odd things to Brain* Very cerebral indeed my dear, shame the spanish was the thing that held it all up not sure you even needed it *grinsducks* Other than that i love the narrative voice of the experiment and the letter was believably cold and clinical at the end, poor little thing... Oh and progress is always such a wonderful thing... (apologies i don't always act like a five year old - you're just lucky i guess...sometimes i act my age! *gasp!*) Adrian H. Wood replies: "ooh, thanks for all those tips. i really need to give this a work-over..along with like every single other story of mine
did you really think the spanish held it up? hm...maybe i should just leave it in english in that case. i just thought it might add a bit of authenticity.
by the way, feel free to act like a 5 year old around my page - in fact i insist that you do!" | |
| 24 May 2004 |  Jeff Burke | Loading... Well, the ending is kinda neat, though I got that there was something up with the narrator earlier in the story. Okay, 2nd paragraph: Lose the comma between "head" and "down my spine." It just makes for an awkward pause. Say it aloud, that's the comma test. FDA approved!(don't ask) I'll say this once: I hate the present tense-1st person style. I don't see how it came about...how can someone do something and write about it at the same time? It's a mechanical impossibility for MOST people. Also, keep the spanish, even if it really doesn't do anything for the story besides give you a feel for the location. That's all it needs to do, right? Quick genetic fact: The number of chromosomes that a speciman has is not realted to the coplexity of the speicimen. For example: humans are more complicated than a species of tapeworm, yet we only have 46(I think that's the number, anyway. Been three years since my last biology class.) chromosomes, while the worm has over 120. Don't know why I threw that in there, just kinda felt like it. Adrian H. Wood replies: "Hey, good think the ending was ok! As for that comma I guess you're right. But there's no way I'm changing the present tense!! I think it's a great device for creating urgency and intimacy, you know, there's no way you could involve the reader quite the same way in 3rd person past tense. But I will keep the Spanish, no worries
You're right about the 46 chromosomes, though technically speaking they are 23 pairs. You'd think that tapeworms would be a bit more attractive and complex than a long ugly string shape given their genetics LOL. Thanks for the science refresher though!" | |
| 25 May 2004 | Jeff Burke | Loading... Tu estudias musica? Que toccas? Yo tocco la tuba y la clarinet. Los examenes de musica son muy facil! Feliz cumpleanos! Note: can someone check my conjugation? I've not used TOCCAR and ESTUDIAR in so long that I'm afraid they might be irregular. I don't think so, but you never can tell. Adrian H. Wood replies: "Note from the spanish teacher: estudiar is regular but toccar is irregular in the future perfect, present perfect, conditional and subjunctive I think. But it's been a while so I might be talking out of my ass" | |
| 2 Jun 2004 |  Peter Schels a.k.a Dauphin | Loading... Ah, good... a very short story. I admit I probably wouldn't read my own because they are too long for my comfortably numb laziness, but that one overcame it. Your description are short and suiting and leave my imagination enough freedom, not trying to force my mind the same way yours came, but gently pushing it. In its theme of "ignorance of scientists" - them being just fixed on a very narrow array of measurable results for they conclusions - it comes very close to another good (and short) story by Patricia Saw, called "Their Eden". I can really recommend it as well. Coming to think of it, scientist really should pay for a PR campaign... the publics opinion seems to see their degree of evilness somewhere ranging around the likes of the Royal Family... And since this is kinda a favourite theme of mine (not genetics, but "awareness/being awake"), some extended thoughts on this: The ape in this story has very refined thoughts, he is aware of his environment in a high degree (he can discern the sun, colours etc.) Can we be sure that a genetically un-enhanced ape hasn't got the same thoughts (even if he lacks the words for it?). I do not know, and I'm no biologist either. I could assume though, that the separation of the environment into discernible details developed along with the naming of it, thus with the development of language. So maybe the ape wouldn't perceive his "choked moan" as such, but as his still rather un-sophisticated language. The story does a very good job in some parts to create the feeling that the protagonist is no full human: in general descriptions as "figure" and "khaki forms" for "human" and "soldier" - logical, since the ape wouldn't know the exact meaning of such concept as a soldier. On the other hand, could he really see a structure and a thin, shiny instrument as "house" and "needle"? Since this implies he knows about their function. Really, the most scary thought in your story is: If someone has developed the understanding and language of a human, but cannot communicate it, but is trapped with his intellect in his broken body... yep, that's scary.  Adrian H. Wood replies: "Yeah, short stories are a blessing, lol. But I will battle my way through your longer stories soon as well, so no worries!
Since you mention it, I'll have to go check out 'Garden of Eden' as well, sounds interesting. But in any case, I don't think science is evil at any reach, in fact I totally support it, I just felt like writing this for no particular reason. Maybe just to try to develop my writing skills if anything.
I see your point on the ape's thoughts and there definitely is a bit of an inconsistency there, but it would have been impossible to make sense of what's going on if the ape describes everything as shapes! So I had to find the balance somewhere...
Anyways, thanks a lot for reading this and for your fantastic comments!" | |
| 10 Jun 2004 | Wolf | Loading... Well...Um....Er that was interesting little bit freaky! Was good and i totally didn't see the end coming. the thing is, is i wouldnt put this sort of thing past Bush and we'd never know! may not be as science fiction as you think!!  Adrian H. Wood replies: "Too true, too true..." | |
| 24 Jun 2004 |  Ben Cameron | Loading... This was excellent, both the idea behind it, and its execution. Conciousness / intelligence is such a fun concept to play around with and it combines so well with genetic engineering, as you've done here, so congrats with that. The one thing I have to comment on, is the Spanish really necessary? I found that the english translation in brackets detracted more from the story than the Spanish added. But that's just my personal view, so disregard it if you like. Besides that, this was short, but good. The ending and the species, of the narrator surprised me, so good job there. Excellent story, thanks for the read.  Adrian H. Wood replies: "I agree... consciousness and intelligence is so far-reaching and rich you can just frolic in it all day! As for the Spanish... well I thought the research lab had to be in a realistic place and it wouldn't really be right under everyone's nose in America, so I chose Mexico. The Spanish is just to give the story a bit of placement... and the english in brakets I was forced to add by the moderators *sob sob*
Thanks for your thoughts mate!" | |
| 10 Aug 2004 |  Alice Muffin Girl Smith | Loading... ~ 'As they approach, bunches of khaki forms **jumps** out.' < "jump"? "I'll say this once: I hate the present tense-1st person style. I don't see how it came about...how can someone do something and write about it at the same time? It's a mechanical impossibility for MOST people." < ACK! Addy, bad boy! That's purely a style choice, and you know it! Stop traumatizing others because first person traumatized you! *sprays him in the face with a water bottle* Bad Addy! Besides, I can't much see the logic in your point. Is the narrator writing? No. No, the narrator isn't. The narrator is simply living, and he's doing it in present tense. Oh the horror. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. *pant pant pant* Please excuse the rant to Addy. He's the sort that might come around and see that I left it... We've been having a minor debate over it ever since I posted a first-person present-tense tale of my own. ^_^ Ah, but as to the story... I liked it very much. The narration followed by the report was a very nice formatting choice -the two vastly different view points did very fun things for the story. Oh yes. *nods in agreement with self* I've got only one bigish crit. It seems to me that the ape was narrating after it died... Addy's logic about "doing and writing at the same time" might not be the best, but I've got questions as to how a fellow can narrate and be dead at the same time. Granted that the narration is really simplistic and doesn't use any I's, but still, it made me uncertain as to whether the ape actually died within the text you showed or not, or if the soldier was lying to the guy sittin' on the porch when he said the ape was dead. You might want to switch to a somewhat clearer third-person narration style after the ape dies; that why we know that the original narrator ain't narratin' no more. The italics was a good touch to help convey that same point, but the fact that the ape's last narration was also in italics casts even that clue into doubt fer me. The narrator's inability to communicate with the humans sent little shivers down my spine... Poor fella. Giving it a second glance through, I like the implications that their experiment didn't work: our little ape narrator was like that all along, and screw human interference. Very neatly told, hon. ^_^ ---- Questions, disagreements, some specific points you'd like me to address? Please post them in your reply, and I'll be sure to e-mail ya back with a follow-up comment. ^_^  Adrian H. Wood replies: "Wow thank you so much for all of this! This is much more than I could have hoped for... exactly what I need! Hopefully I'll get around to editing this some time soon and with your advice I'm confident it will turn out a helluva lot better. *Hugs* Thankies!" | |
| 21 Jul 2005 |  Jess Hyslop | Loading... Me love first person present tense! (and use it too!) I think that it's probably the style in which you can delve most into the character. You certainly did an excellent job with it! Poor ape... *sniff* Just cause it didn't work, doesn't mean you've got to go about exterminating the poor specimen... *grumbles* Hah, just realised the massive timespan between this and the last comment... *whistles* | |
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