| Date | Name | Comment | | | 2 May 2004 | Nathaly Rijks | Loading...I'm first again! I read it! I do usually enjoy watching scifi. The thought of shooting home was kinda nice, though i didn't really get a connection with the characters. .....And now I'm behind. Just you wait, I'll upload two stories at once, as soon as I ehm.....come up with them.  Raoul Meuldijk replies: "You're right, the characters are kinda flat. I wanted to explore some technical ideas and neglected the heroes... I guess I kinda rushed it when I wanted to write something about asteroids, and especially 433 Eros. I'm looking forward to your next uploads!" | |
| 3 May 2004 | Inger Marie Hognestad | Loading...Nice story. I must agree with above commenter about the characters though. It's obvious that you've done some research on the technical stuff, but I was a bit put off by the dates you used to divide the story into chapters. To me they interrupted the flow a little, and they made me wonder about the technology level of this world. Calendar references like Julian Date 76808.4 make me believe this is staged quite far into the future, yet they use technology like nuclear rockets and rail guns. It struck me as a little odd. Another detail that bothered me a bit too was the reference to weight when the pirates take off from the asteroid. Unless the asteroid is really big, its gravity should be so small as to be virtually non-existent. I’m hardly an expert though, but I think a reference to mass would be better. Alright  Hope the crit didn’t put you off… I like seeing sci-fi in the woods, especially sci-fi that doesn’t shy away from the technical stuff. Like I tend to do…. Ahem. This should tell you that I’m more opinionated than knowledgeable  Laters. Raoul Meuldijk replies: " Thanks for the constructive criticism! You're right, 'weight' should have been 'mass'. And I got carried away in some details and neglected some of the others. By the way, those Julian dates correspond to March 2069 ;-) Right now today is JD 53129.4, leaving off the '24' at the beginning." | |
| 22 Jun 2004 | Leia Anne Getty | Loading...Basically I agree with everything the two commenters have said. The only criticism I can give you is to space your work out a bit more, it'll make it less intimidating. Good job with the dialouge, though. Raoul Meuldijk replies: "Yeah, the story is too much 'constructed', it didn't come naturally when writing it. I'm learning to space out the text, although it's the last thing I do before submitting. And I wish HTML had a proper indent-tag." | |
| 2 Jun 2005 | Henk Brouwer | Loading...I remember commenting on this picture before Elfwood crashed and the comments were erased, so here's another attempt. I ( still ) like the scientific background of the story. Most sci-fi stories seem to completely ignore facts like inertia and g-forces, and it's nice to see them here. The whole science thing probably takes the focus away from the main characters, as some of the above commenters have said, but that doesn't really bother me, the scientific and "unpersonal" aproach somehow seems very fitting for a story taking place in some faraway future in the cold vacuum of space. I like it. Raoul Meuldijk replies: " Picture?! But thanks (again)! It's interesting to see that the style I have written this in, can be bad to some and good to others, for the same reasons!" | |
| 13 Jun 2005 | Edmond Barrett | Loading...Nice piece I thought that, as is it stands alone reasonably well. If you were to ever try to expand on it I think you would need to concentrate your efforts on adding depth to the characters. The actual technology and physics needs very little done to them. Couple of thoughts How is the enforcement vessel going to stop them? Towing in space doesn't really sound like a runner to me consider changing to boarded or pushed. Last paragraph we have an OF where I think you meant OFF Oh and finally try looking up Project Orion and nuclear pulse propulsion, might give you some ideas. Raoul Meuldijk replies: "How to stop them? Good question! Maybe by their own massive inertia. Glad they didn't catch them IIRC, I did this one mostly as an exercise in relative speeds and reaction mass, and to mention a couple of my favourite celestial bodies.I was thinking of the Mitee nuclear engine by James R. Powell for their propulsion (hydrogen accelerated by flowing past nuke fuel rods that slowly fission). It's a lot less violent and radioactive than the Orion Project-way " | |
| 24 Feb 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading...and Gerrard showed an orbital diagram on his computer pad. <- as with the speech verbs, but the opposite way around. ^-^ 'Showed' is not a speech verb, so 'and' needs to be capitalised, provided you don't think it better to ditch the conjunction all together. ^-~ That's just a stylistic remark, since the sentence will work either way. Question is just how it works best. “Look at this, see where Almeria is in two weeks?” <- If this is Gerrard speaking, which it is, you need to give this its own paragraph. from it’s captain <- its. 'Tis the only exception to the possessive s rule, since "it's" corresponds with the contraction for "it is". Have to agree on the towing remark, and also have to wonder how the rail gun would work in space. Wouldn't the bag just drift off (slightly) anyway? But other than that. Pretty good short story. It's a bit cluttered to read because of the format, but you've still got a very interesting story underneath. There isn't a whole lot of room for character developement, though you do it really nicely with the room you do have. Very nice piece! Don't let the picks fool you into believing I think otherwise! If you ever plan to expand on this, that'd be great. ^-^ Raoul Meuldijk replies: "Again, a lot of useful remarks on English and style, for which I thank you. The paragraph-tag has been giving me some headaches since I first encountered it: it doesn't just start a new line, but also introduces an empty line. I feared that the text would start to look like finely sliced cheese with al those empty lines in between. I tried to squeeze some ideas in a small space (and short time to write it), and it shows, both in technical explanation and character depth. Since then, I've started to understand that it takes a lot more words to put into the reader's mind what I've got in my mind. So stories are coming slower, and becoming longer. I have no particular plans for this story, but I do want to do more SF, and at least partially centered on minor planets in the solar system." | |
| 24 Feb 2006 | L. Shanra Kuepers | Loading...Annoying formatting nitpick: Paragraphs should stand in paragraph tags, not included with break lines. They're called paragraph tags for a reason. ^-~ If something isn't part of the same paragraph, it's a new one and should be treated as such.
plus 15 degrees yaw <- There are some stylistic issues with numbers, but they all agree that zero up to twenty need to be spelled out. No replacing these with number. A science fiction story still isn't a math book. ^-~
Carefully[,] he moved across the regolith in crater Catherine, toward[s] the trail of ore bags that <- comma after 'carefully, and no comma before 'toward'.
“Pity the harvester itself is too heavy to steal.” Bjarne said, <- 'said is a 'speech verb', so the period should be a comma. ^-~ Speech verbs turn direct speech into the object of a sentence, and as such, part of the sentence. Try replacing all of it with one word 'That Bjarne said', or in conventional SVO structure 'Bjarne said that'.
by hands, feet and the small jets of their suits. <- again, in English, lists get a comma before 'and'.
Lift off from the asteroid was a delicate procedure <- liftoff, since that's the way the noun is spelt. 'Lift off' is a verb. ^-~
the ore bags were rising <- why are you using passive tense? Why not 'rose'? It makes the sentence stronger. ^-^
“It’s a good catch, we’re twice the mass we were!” Gerrard said. <- comma should be a semi-colon, since you're joined two independent clauses. And are you sure Gerrard *said* that, or did he exclaim it? ^-~
at least 4 g’s <- Ignoring the number thing, apostrophe s is a denotatition of possession, not plural. 'Four Gs' is what you want here. And yes, the capital is not optional. ^-~
Not that he disliked Bjarne, but he was a bit boring. <- 'the man was a bit boring' or 'he was a bit bored'. Since Bjarne is object in the first sentence, subject 'he' of the second cannot refer to him. | |
| 8 Apr 2006 | Kelsey Van Horn | Loading...First of all--commendations for a good, realistic sci-fi story. The technical bits made it much more believable, and even in the limited character development you had, the characters were more human than the normal scifi heros. You need to work on dialogue, though. The actual words being said were okay, but it gets choppy at best when you just have one character talking to the other with nothing in between. Try adding some more description to the dialogue--use words other than just "said", show what the character is doing as they talk. Nobody stands perfectly still, save for their mouths, when they talk. This holds especially true for the setting these two are in--they will probably be pacing, fiddling with controls, frowning, glaring, etc. during the dialogue. The little details keep it from seeming so rushed. ;] ~DL Raoul Meuldijk replies: "That is very useful advice. I've been struggeling for some time now with dialogues, with what to put in between the quoted pieces. I'll try to imagine not only what they say, but also what they look like when saying it. Thanks!" | |
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