Attention! in July 2014, Elfwood.com will get a makeover! Read more about the change.

Elfwood is the worlds largest SciFi & Fantasy community.
  - 152850 members, 0 online now.
  - 11303 site visitors the last 24 hours.


Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en

"The Real Reason EW Goes Down" by Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en

SciFi/Fantasy text 7 out of 14 by Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en.      ←Previous - Next→
Tag As Favorite
When Elfwood went down again, I had an image of how this happened, and just had to write it down *g*.

BTW, the first illustration was made by V.E.Lehkonen (the picture links to the original, which is much larger), the second one was made by the God of Elfwood, Thomas Abrahamsson, himself, who gave permission to use it.
Add Bookmark
Tag As FavoriteComment
←- The Horse-Man | Lights In The Darkness -→
Illustration 20030101gc_ew.jpg for The Real Reason EW Goes Down

When the white cat caught sight of the rat, the latter was rummaging through the refuse again, looking for spare parts as enhancements.

"It's you again!" the English shorthair roared, and jumped at his age-old nemesis. George, the rat, quickly ducked through the next gate away from his attacker. Undaunted, Klimpen jumped right after him.

In the next room, they both weaved around around a group of garbage collectors busy sorting through the waste of several days. The collectors looked weird - it was a very mixed group, all working without conflicts. Some of them were human, but the sight of one caused George to stop, and he almost forgot that Klimpen was chasing him. His genetic heritage made his hackles rise when he saw his racial enemy helping with the sorting. They both knew that, after the inevitable 'nucular war' that had been prophesied years ago, their races would probably fight for rulership of the planet, but right now the moderator seemed oblivious to George. George quickly ducked between the legs of the human-sized roach, and hurried out through the next doorway.


As they dove through the door, a surveillance camera caught a fleeting sight of them. The observer shuddered slightly, and hoped he had been mistaken.


Along a hallway they both raced, and Klimpen had almost caught the insolent rodent when George suddenly took a left turn into an open doorway. The cyberrat didn't so much as look at the beings here, and hurried out through the opposite door.

Klimpen, however, looked at the circle that had gathered in the room and almost stumbled over his feet. All around a black altar, there was a group of people in outfits that protected their secret identities -- sheets over their heads made sure no one could get a glimpse of their identity. The only 'insignia' these sheet-heads bore were the letters Epsilon, Rho and Beta embroidered on their chests. They were huddling together around a scared human, mumbling arcane chants, gesturing threateningly with obsidian knives.

The human in their midst was close to babbling incoherently. "I have my First Amendment rights", he yelled, "you cannot censor me!".

"Oh, we cannot?", a sneering voice from one of the sheets replied.

"Just for posting some pictures of my grilfiend, and saying in my bio that the mods and you guys are to stupid to catch me at it anyway, that's illegal under the American Constitution!"

"Oh, but we are here in Sweden", came the retort.

Just as the scared yell of the poor sod cut the air like a knife, Klimpen ran out through the door on the far side of the room again.


The observer shuddered again, but it was not quite clear whether it was his reaction to the sacrifice, or to the wild hunt.


The door appeared to lead out into the open again, and into a small village in the woods. Little huts stood along a main thoroughfare, and hundreds of creatures of all sizes and races were milling about. They didn't pay any attention to the rat and cat as they raced through the village of Elftown, and finally turned into another doorway.

Finally, they found themselves in a less busy environment. Thousands of pictures were hanging on the walls of what appeared to be a museum. Hundreds of rooms housed the exhibits, each room having in way of a name plate only a cryptic row of letters, digits and special signs. The hunt turned into a giant hide-and-seek.

George found it difficult to keep ahead of Klimpen. Every so often, when he tried to enter on of the rooms, a barrier would spring up in his way, with a flashing sign telling him he wasn't allowed in there. Other rooms were not thus protected, but George lost quite some time finding the rooms that he would be allowed into.

Watched by the ever-present surveillance cameras, Klimpen inexorably drew closer. As the invisible observer twitched more and more violently, like a person afflicted by palsy, George realized that he'd have to go underground again, and ducked into a ventilation shaft.

He didn't see that, right at that time, a mechanical arm descended from the ceiling and grabbed Klimpen. 'Normal cats are not allowed in here', a voice said, and dragged the protesting feline away.

The unseen observer also didn't notice this any more. He had deteriorated into a state of involuntary twitching and shaking. The Colonel, as he was called by the less literate of his subordinates, had been almost reduced to a gibbering wreck.


His fright was pushed over the edge when one of his subordinates, a daemon, approached him and said, 'Eh, Colonel, Sir...' The Kernel panicked, and shrunk away into a corner to whimper.


And all over the world hundreds of users were staring at their screens and groaned. "Great. Elfwood is down again!"

Illustration klimpen.jpg for The Real Reason EW Goes Down
←- The Horse-Man | Lights In The Darkness -→

8 Apr 2003:-) Jenny Shiranami Braithwaite
Heh, my Kernel is braver than that. It hasn't panicked at all so far ^^ (but I guess that's because George and Klimpen aren't around to terrorize it) ;p
11 Apr 2003:-) Emily Grist
OMG!!!!!! This is by far one of the greatest stories on Elfwood, this is so original too!!! Congratulations!!!!!! 10
31 Oct 2003:-) Sara M Osth
O, LOVE this... even though I'm all ignorant about computers. I haven't laughed that much since... I can't really recall! You make me want to go home and write something again.
30 Dec 200345 Mecha no Neko <YUKIMITSUKA
I love this! It is very... explanatory. ^ ^ Too bad I can't really elaborate on this review very much, only that I like it. Sad, ne?
26 Mar 2004:-) Alice Muffin Girl Smith
~ "I have my First Amendment rights"***,*** he yelled, "you cannot censor me!"***.*** < Commas go inside of quotation marks. So do periods. Hmm... but that would mean that there's both a period and an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence. My, but that doesn't look right. Do you think one of 'em should go? The period should? You know, I agree. So do that. Get rid of the period.
~ "Just for posting some pictures of my ***grilfiend***, and saying in my bio that the ***mods*** and you guys are ***to*** stupid to catch me at it anyway, that's illegal under the American Constitution!" < "girlfriend," "Mod's" (must capitalize that honorable title, and the apostrophe indicates the missing letters), "too." Respectively.
~ 'Every so often, when he tried to enter ***on*** of the rooms, a barrier would spring up in his way, with a flashing sign telling him he wasn't allowed in there.' < "one"
~ 'And all over the world hundreds of users were staring at their screens and groaned.' < Either "were staring at their screens and groaning" or "stared at their screens and groaned."

*grins* Ah... I understand now. So THAT'S how it goes down. ^_~ I loved it, particularly the sacrifice of the protesting American. I'll Bill his Rights... *aims a kick at the fellow's corpse* *corpse makes a wet slucking noise* *Muffin regrets kicking corpse with her new shoes on...*

Kudos on the Mod's Choice! And the pic of Klimpen is just unbearably adorable... *huggles everyone's favorite Elfwoodian Feline*

:-) Michael 'The Roach' Jan▀en replies: "Thanks for pointing out the errors. However...

-- Whether the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks or not is more a matter of British v/s American style
-- 'grilfiend' is not only a common misspelling on the internet (and that's where EW is located), but also often used humorously instead of girlfriend...
-- As to the continuous tense v/s simple tense, what I was trying to express that the 'staring in disbelief' took a lot longer than the groan...

I fully agree with the 'to', 'one' etc. tyops, though, and will fix them soon...Hmm... why cannot I send this as a mail as well?"
20 Sep 200445 Michael 'The Roach' Jan▀en
*g* Nice to see how many people like this story. Always remember: Klimpen is just a big ole pussy cat ;-)
16 Oct 200445 Lori E. White
It's been a long long time since I've read something in Wyvern that's made me laugh this much. ^_^

Maybe it's just because I'm a computer geek and actually understood more then half of those jokes and puns. O.o

*thumbs up* Awesome my dude!
8 Apr 2005:-) Mandi L. Creguer
Hehe, that was funny! I think i must have missed something though, why is elfwood down at the end? Cuz the colonel is convulsing? Who is the colonel?
24 Nov 2005:-) Barbara Cythtor Dreamchaser Foster
*Whoop of laughter* I always wondered if there was a "cat in the works" when Elfwood goes down... having four of the sweet lil monsters of my own, I know what kind of chaos they can produce!

And I'm *still* snickering!
23 May 2007:-) Invicta
I knew that cat was up to something!
Page: [1] 2
Not signed in, Add an anonymous comment to this guestbook...    

Your Name:
Your Mail:
   Private message? (Info)

'The Real Reason EW Goes Down':
 • Created by: :-) Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en
 • Copyright: ©Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Colonel, Elfwood, George, Kernel, Klimpen, Panic
 • Categories: Humourous or Cute Things, Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Robots, Androids, Humanoid Warmachines, Techno, Cyber, Technological, Urban Fantasy and/or Cyberpunk
Modpick •  Mod Pick at: 2004-04-09 11:14:55
 • Views: 1659

Bookmark and Share

More by 'Michael ´The Roach´ Jan▀en':
Lights In The Darkness
Bungee-Jumping in the Abyss

Related Tutorials:
  • 'Character Creation Form' by :-)Crissy Moss
  • 'Writing a Story, Painting a Masterpiece' by :-)Jessica Ng
  • Art Education Finder...

    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories. The site was founded by Thomas Abrahamsson and is maintained by helpful assistants and moderators, owned by the Elfwood AB corporation.