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Joanne Barnden

"All Hell" by Joanne Barnden

SF&F Picture 1 out of 30 by Joanne Barnden
 
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It's the prequel to a modern fantasy and scripts the first fight between the world and a demon- unfortunately, it's unfinished
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tarelliavage chronicles: all hell

 

prologue

Novena 396

      The black sky hung low over a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere. All the houses were clumped together in the centre of a barren landscape. Each was little more that a shack and except for a single hovel a couple of metres outside the rest, they were in fairly decent condition considering the elements. The wind ripped across the sand and hit the shacks at full blast, rattling shutters that were pulled closed and tied shut.

      The hovel’s facade was chipped and worn, shutters hanging off, and the stone steps in need of urgent repair. The general feel of the exterior did not inspire confidence about it’s ability to stay together for more than a few more novena. Even some of the nails seemed to be holding the walls together out of sheer luck.

      Inside, the one-room hovel was smelly and dank. Mildew clung to what pieces of curtain there were still left. There wasn’t much in the way of furniture, just a few pieces scattered here and there. An old woman sat in a corner, near the bed, which was propped up with stone blocks, the blankets moth eaten and damp. There was rubbish littering the floor, and sand covered everything, sifting in through a hole in the wall.

      The old woman saw none of the mess. She herself was not in the best of states. She was tiny, bent and frail. Her clothes were threadbare and her skin sallow. Her head was rocking backwards and forwards. She was mumbling in Ashkan, the names of her mother and daughters. She looked nowhere, saw nothing, and hadn’t for some time.

      The only door of the hovel, opposite where the woman sat, creaked open, letting a stream of sunlight across the room.

      “Se~Arz Clakka?” The words were spoken softly, as if they weren’t meant to startle the woman.

      “They will come,” Clakka spoke softly, almost reverently. “They will come. All one the same day, the same hour. They will be of every species, twelve in all. They will not grace the halls of the Overworld or demon, they will be the elipse, the all powerful.”

      “Se~Arz? the young woman spoke again. “Who will come? What are you talking about?”

      “They will come. Do not be afraid my daughter. They will come. The world will again be full of order. Don’t be afraid my daughter. Never be afraid.”

      “Se~Arz,” the young woman almost wailed. “Tell me, who will come?”

      Clakka finally seemed to see the young woman standing before her. “The Elipses, the all powerful.”

      “The all powerful?” the woman smiled. “When? When will they come?”

      “Once, twice,” Clakka muttered. “Once ye will call, twice ye will call.”

      “Clakka?”

      “Novena . . . novena . . . five hundred and eleven, novena eight thousand, four hundred and eighty five.”

      “Novena 511?” the woman’s shoulders slumped. “Oh Se~Arz.”

      “They will come for their time, once, twice.”

      “The right time? For what?”

      “To restore order to the Afterdark. Oh daughter, if the gods would let me see the day,” Clakka paused. “Da Ghe Iro heed my words,” Clakka dragged in a breath. “Ye will feel the end. Taste your glory because it will not last forever.”

      Clakka did not notice the young woman move to one corner of the hovel, and a small table, lamp and ink. “Has she been talking all day?”

      The young man seated there nodded his scarred head. “I have writ down her every word.”

      Clakka’s voice rose. “Da Ghe Iro ye will fall. Ye time it comes to an end. But, much as I regret, ye might get just one chance, to start over again, but Da Ghe Iro, take care, for if ye take this one chance. Take no prisoners Da Ghe Iro, cause no deaths, for if ye do so, ye chance will be gone!”

      As the two in the hovel watched, Clakka choked, shuddered and both her eyes slid shut.

      “Se~Arz!” the woman ran over.

      “Diane, I think Clakka is dead.”

 

The prophecy of the Se~Arz Clakka was studied for the next 50 novena by many scholars. Finally, it was deemed a complete fable by those who believed that the work of many Se~Arz’s was make believe designed with the purpose of satisfing a population increasingly disillusioned and opressed by the ruling Emperor, namely Da Ghe Iro Guend. However, one man, the scribe of the unfortunate prophecy, placed it in a trunk in the attic of a old old house, and left it there. He hoped that the Emperor would never get a hold of a copy...

 

...He of all knowledge, ye shall bring the start of the emperor’s fall, ye will call the elipses to the post assigned to them, call ye once, the thane, she of the underground, the lone wolf, the knave, the vagabond, the Queen, the tatterdemalion, the maiden, the chevalier, the sentinel, ,...

 

...call ye twice, o’ man of all knowledge, the cheater of death, the fallen angel, he of endless night, the prisoner, the theif, the Huntress, he of gold, he of silver, the shadow, the faerie, the daughter of the demon, he of flames...

←- The Seven Rings: Part Three | All Hell: First Chapter -→

DateNameComment 
21 Aug 200345 ">Roxette<"
*cheeky smile & first comment dance!* I saw the empty box n couldnt help myself. It's good. Real good.

2 Joanne Barnden replies: "why thanks - i so like having comments!"
4 Sep 200345 Kireina
Oooh...! This is very ominous...I LIKE it... There, I commented 2

3 Joanne Barnden replies: "oooh wow - does this mean you're going to comment elsewhere as well?"
22 Oct 2003:-) Andrew O'Steen
Sweet. I enjoyed reading this...and it's been a while since i truly enjoyed reading anything *curses school's required reading*. A very interesting, engaging prologue. There is only one thing i feel like commenting on, as a detriment, at the moment. Novena...if you could somewhere in there at list insinuate as to what or how long that actually is...

Other than that, twas great. There are a couple of things i could help you with, though, if you wanted. Just drop me a line.

Again, thanks for the entertainment!

Delorin

2 Joanne Barnden replies: "why thanks! i'm glad you enjoyed it - it too long enough for me to get right!! novena is the same length of time as a year, at one point i attempted changing it back to the word 'year' but it just doesn't sound the same. or have to same effect. i'll do that!"
5 Feb 200445 L. Shanra Kuepers
Grammar nitpicky first (meh... me decided to start reading while waiting 12 )

"about it?s ability" - its ability, rather. "it's" is solely a contraction of "it is". I still catch myself making mistakes there too ^_^;

"for more than a few more novena." - just a stylistic note. The repitition is a bit bothersome, imo. That could be just me though 12

"all powerful" - I'm not sure that's spelled correctly, but there's a more positive reason for pointing it out 12 I like that bit of sentence preceeding and up to this very much. ^_^ Particularly good sentence.

"Novena 511?" - unless there's a damn good reason for writing 511 instead of nice letters, I recommend you change that. Numbers in written text read extremely choppy and in many cases throw a reader completely out of the story.
/mood. You want to avoid that as much as possible 12 OF COURSE that could also be an extremely picky pet peeve of mine 12

?They will come for their time, once, twice.?
?The right time? For what??
Methinks you're missing a bit there. Clakka hasn't mentioned anything to warrant the other woman asked something about 'the right time', did she?

?Ye will feel the end. Taste your glory because it will not last forever.? - POWERFUL sentence there! *grins broadly* Very true wisdom there. ^^

"have writ down" - I could be wrong easily, but isn't it supposed to be "written"? ^_^;;

"next 50 novena" - see previous mentioning.

"make believe" - make-believe by chance? 12

"a old old house" - an old, old house?

"of a copy" - I read that piece as there being only one copy actually. You might want to consider making that bit a
little clearer. ^_~

", ,..." - *blinks*

"theif" - no explanation required, I presume 12

"the daughter of the demon" - and the rest of the paragraph addresses some male mystery person. You lost me now.

Anyway... now to the goodie-goodie part. Overal comments and praise! For praise you deserve, milady Joanne. This is very ominous, as was noted before. You use several things to draw in the reader and catch their attention. Or at least it caught MY attention 12 One thing is the name 12 This may seem very trivial to you, but I like names and I like languages. The name of Clakka looks very interesting. Now I want to know more about the culture and the people and their language and that's a very good thing, no? 12
Use of different words for something we actually have a word for already, adds something to the tale as well. It makes the world a bit more powerful and a bit more real. It's a hard thing to explain. ^_^;;
All in all, this is a very catching and well-written prologue!

1 Joanne Barnden replies: "Alright, now I can fix up a lot of this... I know, I know, it's an incomplete copy *hides*. I haven't been through this with a fine tooth comb, which is probably why there are a lot of typos. However - alright, it's meant to be 'its' my apologies, i do that so many times it's not longer funny!how about "stay together for a few more novena" I get your point, it took me a while, too many 'more's, but then, as i said i haven't proofread it yet... (You might find that most of my stuff here isn't proofread... I'm sorry~)why thank you, for the compliment about the sentence, i quite like it too... 2the thing with the numbers is easy to explain, i have been told that really you're not meant to write any numbers down, in words over ten. Because once you're over ten it's unwieldly and annoying - plus, it's a year number you wouldn't write 1999 down in numbers for instance. that's just silly.Okay then - next point. It says that they'll come for the right time and that she doesn't say what - she's not meant to. Clakka is a Sear (which is what Se'Arz means) and she's in the midst of prophesing. She's given the years of the saviours to come, but she's not going to explain why. Also, Clakka doesn't actually know in a normal sense that anyone else is in the room with her. She's in a trance. (i'll have to work on getting all this more clear, hey?) - and she does say they'll come at that time to "restore order"Yeah, she's feeling most happy that the evil dude, the demon, won't get the upper hand.Technically yes, it is supposed to be 'written' however, just to get the affect of it being in a previous time, I used the word 'writ'.you're right again with all my spelling errors.Now, the 'a copy' - over the 50 years in which the scholars have been studing the prophecy, it makes sense that they will make more than one copy, especially since the Scribe keeps the original - he just hopes than none of the copies will fall into the hands of the emperor. i'll have to work on making that more obvious too - sorry!Alright - now this needs a bit of explanation - the two commas and the dots are because there are two prophecy names missing (you would not believe how much trouble I had thinking them up!) they are 'the warrior' and 'he of blood'yes, another spelling error - I hate thief i always spell it wrong.the names are all prophecy names - each refering to one person. it's hard to explain properly, but they all have a reference to the person, their appearance or their circumstances and/or life. There is actually more of the prophecy now, the more I write of the story, the more of the prophecy appears - which means i really need to update the contents of this... you can always email me if you want the current copy.thank you for all your compliments, I appreciate it muchly~ 2 I'm sorry that it's such a bad copy, but I haven't looked at it in a while. Thanks for reading it anyway!"
6 Feb 200445 L. Shanra Kuepers
*grabs her trusty pillow-2* Overly extensive apologies is my terrain! No seriously... not having proofread the work is fine, you know 12 Mine isn't proofread either 12

"the thing with the numbers is easy to explain, i have been told that really you're not meant to write any numbers down, in words over ten." - I disagree. I've seen PLENTY of cases where numbers over ten are written in letters. It's a hell of a lot more complicated than what you learned, methink 12

"Okay then - next point. It says that they'll come for the right time and that she doesn't say what - she's not meant to. Clakka is a Sear (which is what Se'Arz means) and she's in the midst of prophesing. She's given the years of the saviours to come, but she's not going to explain why." - wrong interpretation. That Clakka is a sear is very obvious, actually. No, what I mean is -Clakka- never once mentioned the word 'right' near the question quoted. If I give you a five minute speech, and you ask a question when I'm finished, are you going to use a word you've heard only once (if at all) at the beginning? I honestly doubt that. I pointed it out because it seems very unsensical (read - unrealistic) to me for her to ask it in that manner. Of course that could be just me! 12

Ah... I understand ^_^ I don't think you really need to work on the trance Clakka is in, it's just the dialogue surrounding that doesn't quite seem to agree with me 12

*now proceeds to whack Joanna with her pillow-2* Now don't you apologise! I see absolutely NO need for apologies from your side.

The paragraph about the copy would indeed benefit from being a bit clearer, but I don't think it's a real biggie. ^_^

"the two commas and the dots are because there are two prophecy names missing" - Ahhh... Makes sense. ^^ Names? *chuckles* I can begin to imagine. Not all of mine come with the same ease either 12

Anyway, hope that helps clear up the first comment a bit ^_^

12 Joanne Barnden replies: "oh deary me ... You're hitting me with a pillow.. lol. Anyway, thanks for clearing that up for me, I needed it. eh, with the numbers, different people teach different things - i acutally got told that it was harder to read if you typed out every number, not to mention lengthy. but, oh well.hmph - i think i've forgotten a word again. I do that so often, it's irritating. I start typing and my mind goes faster than my hands and you end up with a word missing from it all, which is the biggest pain in the rear.thank you again for the clearing up!"
22 Mar 2004:-) Glo 'the Bug' Bowden
Wow! Absolutely splendid! I'm just twitching to read the next part of your story! **skips off to read part two**

1 Joanne Barnden replies: "Why thank you, I'm glad you liked it! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story too."
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About 'All Hell':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Joanne Barnden
 • Copyright: ©Joanne Barnden. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Desert, Hovel, Prophecy, Oldwoman, Magic, Vampire
 • Categories: Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders..., Fights, Duels, Battles, Lycanthrope, Were-folk, etc, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 144


More by 'Joanne Barnden':
The Elite: Prologue 3
Before the Beginning - 2
the Awakening: Chapter Three: Qu'za'ran & Sh'dyan
Fatal Fairytales - The Twelve Dancing Princesses
the Elite: Chapter One: Leith
The Seven Rings: Part One
The Seven Rings: Part Two
The Seven Rings: Part Three
The Awakening: Chapter Three: Shay'ae'rin

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