"Gashir" by Laura Soret

Too late I realize my mistake. Only when all is done...

Gashir... You´ve had your vengeance, now. What else could you take away from me?

Aren´t you happy now, Gashir? Didn´t you get what you wanted? Why won´t you let me be?

It´s nearing midnight again, and here I am, sitting on my chair... Counting the remaining seconds... 59... 58... 57... Staring out the window, into the impenetrable gloom... 44... 43... 42... How could I have ever known it would come to this? How was i supposed to know?

Nearing midnight now... 23... 22... 21... Why won´t you let me be? I think i´ve already paid for your torment with interests! And still you won´t leave me alone! How long is this going to last? You won´t stop until you´ve destroyed me completely, will you? You want to see me suffer for what you´ve suffered! You want to see me dead!

11... 10... 9... Oh no, it´s going too fast...

4... 3... Wait! 2... 1...

Dong...

Curse that chime...

Dong...

I can´t bare it another night...

Dong...

I cover my ears, but it´s not enough. It was never enough. That dreaded chime squeezes its way in between my fingers and pounds at my eardrums...

Dong...

I won´t allow this... Not another night...

I get up, try not to see outside my window. I walk hurriedly towards that big grandfather´s clock i once admired so...

Dong...

STOP!

I feel this urge to destroy at all costs... Fear... I grab the clock and stick my nails in its wooden body, then shove it downwards into the marble floor. Its christal face shatters in a million pieces that glitter in the incoming moonlight all around the room like a million diamonds.

Then silence...

I could hear myself panting. Now what? That wouldn´t stop Gashir. There was a time when a few chains and a locked door could, but not anymore. Not a nuclear bomb could stop him now... Why didn´t i see this coming? We were better off when he was alive! I turn around. Don´t look out the window...!

But that order to myself is exactly what i need to not obey it, and I look out the window...

In the few miliseconds that it took for my eyes to pass from the cold grey fireplace to the patch of dark glass on the wall, my heart rate went up to that of a scared mouse and back down with the same speed. There was nothing at the window... yet.

That´s what he liked to do the most. He waits until I get my guard down, and then makes his most impressive appearance. Galloping through the wall behind me, perhaps, or maybe down the corridor, slowly moving towards me, his cold, white eyes fixed on mine.

Sure enough, a slightly blue, ghostly light began to fill the room, projecting my shadow away from my feet and up the stone wall.

The light grows brighter, and my breathing grows heavier. I´d rather turn around now than let him get too close to my back...

So I do.

I look at the floor and slowly turn my head to my side. The blue light shines on my cheek, and I bet if I looked in a mirror, I might look like a ghost myself. My feet stumble upon each other as I turn my body to the gleaming source of the light and stand facing it.

And my breathing stops... There on the door, iluminating the corridor behind and the room with the terrified man in front with a light of her own, stands not Gashir, but a sad looking little girl dressed with a night gown, her feet bare, and I feel like my heart sinks through the floor to the room dowstairs.

Natasha...

Even through the ghostly glimmer I can see her watery eyes looking mournfully at me. I´ve missed her so...

I want to get closer. I take a step, and she takes a step backwards. She nods her little head, warningly, and I look questioningly at her.

“Don´t” she whispers. “He´s watching.”

And so we stand there, staring at each other. She looks just as I last saw her. Hasn´t changed a bit.

She´s keeping quiet, like she agreed to just let me look at her once more. Like she thinks that would be enough for me.

These past few weeks I´ve thought there was nothing I desired more than to see her once more. Even if it was just for a moment... But now that I can see her and not get any closer to her... It´s even worse... It´s like having a winning lottery ticket in front of you and suddenly realising you´re paralytic.

“What does he do to you” I ask.

“He does nothing to me, daddy. He loves me! He even allowed me to come see you!”

I gulp. My throat burns. Loathing... Desperation... The deepest of sorrows...

“Is... have you seen mommy? Is she with you?”

“No. Gashir sais mommy went on.”

I nod, but I´m not sure wether I was happier or more misserable.

“I miss you” I say to her.

“I miss you too, daddy.”

“Why did you do it, Natasha? Why did you leave me?”

“He needed me. I had to go to him.”

“I need you more.”

There´s a short silence.

“Gashir sais you were always selfish. He does not think you worthy of me. He sais you were a bad man.”

“And what gives him the right to say that? He, who tortures me everynight. Doesn´t he tell you of what he does?”

“He needs not tell me. I see what he does. I think he does good.”

I can´t believe what she is saying to me. My little girl thinks I deserve this. She thinks I´m a bad man! It´s Gashir! He´s talking her into this!

“How can anyone deserve this?”

“You were bad and you must be punished. Gashir sais he himself was punished without a reason. Now you have to pay.”

“How can you say that? How can you defend hi after he did to you too!?”

“It was for my own good.”

“He´s evil, Natasha! Why do you listen to him?”

“He´s not evil! He was unhappy! You made him always unhappy! You always locked him up, and he didn´t like to be locked up! You should have treated him right! I´m the only one who always understood him!”

I´m in no mood to stand this, and ignore the warning. I walk right at her.

“What does he want?” I yell. “What else can I pay with? Does he want me? Does he want me to join you?”

“No. Gashir would never want you with us.”

“Then what can I do? Can´t he see that I´m already finished? I´m gone! All that I had is gone! I have nothing! If I have nothing, what else could he possibly take?”

Natasha whispers. “He...” But she stops as suddenly as if she had been hit by a brick. “You´re too close. You´ll get him angry.”

“What?”

“You´re too close! Step away! He´ll be mad!”

“You´re my daughter!” I yell “You tell Gashir I won´t do anything he wants me to do anymore! You hear that, Gashir? You hear that, you damned horse?”

“Dad, no!”

“Kill me if you can, but you won´t have anything else from me. Locking you up and chaining you to the floor was never really all that I should´ve done! You only cost me my money and my life! I should´ve returned you the same day I got you, you stinking, pestilent farm animal! Hear me? You looked nicer after I was through with you the last day you could even feel enything on your bones! And yet I was too merciful! It should´ve been slower and more painful!!!”

Natasha shrills. It does not sound like a girl´s scream. It pierces my eardrums and twists my brain. And then she was gone, and that thick, foglike silence floods the house. Here goes...

I open my eyes. There he is, standing still just a few feet in front of me, breathing heavily, his white, lifeless pupils fixed on me, his long, greasy manes falling over his palid face. He is angry this time...

“Give it your best this time, Gashir.”