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James P-W

"Chapter II-Whispers in the Dark" by James P-W

SF&F Picture 3 out of 11 by James P-W
 
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Chapter 2

Whispers in the Dark

 

 

Mist rose like pale ghosts in the still, nippy morning air as Tristan trudged back towards Annwyn. A dull pressure grinded away slowly by steadily behind his eyes from lack of sleep, and his left shoulder was stiff as anything from having lain on it all night. He was more tired in the morning, it seemed, than when he had gone to bed the night before.

All around there were signs of the night’s storm. Muddy puddles stood quietly along the rocky path, littered with the pale thin bodies of dead or dying worms, ripples racing across the surface and silt exploding underwater in clouds when Tristan trod in them. Like quivering glass beads drops of rain clung precariously to the bushes of heather and gorse, which were hardy enough that even the furious downpour had barely flattened them.   

The thick fog deadened sound and limited sight, limiting Tristan’s world to the space immediately surrounding him. He felt like he was walking through a cloud as he trod the familiar path towards Master Aysmere’s workshop. By the time he got there his clothes, skin, and hair were all damp. It was hard to stay dry or warm for long in Bregon.

He let himself in to workshop, where Gaerith stood among the clutter of tables, clamps, and chisels, rubbing sleep from his eyes and yawning. A small fire was started in the small fire-pit in the center of the shop, and Tristan squatted down by it, warming his hands.

“Did three strangers come into town last night, during the storm?” inquired Tristan. “I met them on the road.”

Gaerith scratched the fledgling stubble on his chin thoughtfully. He was quite proud of it, thought it had only been a few years since he’d needed to shave, and only a handful of months since he’d needed to more than twice a week. Before he could answer, though, his father spoke from behind him. Tristan hadn’t heard him enter. “Who did you see?”

“Men from far south, members of the Kindred of the Flame,” said Tristan in a hushed voice. He could have sworn Master Aysmere’s clouded angrily at this for a moment, but then, as suddenly it came, it disappeared.

“I see,” was all he said. “I didn’t see anybody.” He picked up a heavy yew stave that was propped up against a stony wall and clamped it down to a table. “Get to work, boys. Willym Torr’s finally outgrown his bow and his father says we’re to make him a true man’s boy-though I don’t see how he’s going to be able to bend it-, and Alen Calwed needs-” 

Suddenly, the door squeaked open and admitted a great deal of chilly, damp air, as well as Brother Almaric and Kinsmen Gregor and Stefan. Master Aysmere looked up from the stave he was shaving and immediately greeted them. “Welcome to my humble shop, errant travelers,” he said hospitably. “May I fetch some food or drink for any of you?”

 “Spreading the light is all the nourishment we need,” pronounced Brother Almaric piously.

“Aye, for the soul I’ll warrant it is,” said Master Aysmere with a smile, “But I’ve found that some bread and ale does one good all the same.”

The jest fell flat on the Servants. “I am Brother Almaric, and these are Kinsmen Stefan and Gregor. We are messengers of light.”

“Can’t they talk?”

 “The most devout Kinsmen have their tongues cut out to avoid speaking a blasphemous word, and their manhoods removed as well to avoid unholy deeds.”  Kinsmen Stefan opened his mouth and happily waggled about the stump of his tongue.

“I see. I daresay they both make for dull traveling companions,” said Eryc. “An’ I believe what he said; there’s no need to lift up your robes as well.” He laughed, though none of the three looked amused. Stefan shut his mouth with a moist clack. “Pardon the crude jest of a humble yokel, my good sirs. I know did not come all this way to bandy lewd words.”

“Quite true. My message is this: salvation may be found in the light. Live an honest life and you will be rewarded.”

“Humble and ignorant though I am, Brother, I live a pious life. So does my family, and everybody in this village. You’ll find no evil here.” Master Aysmere’s friendly tone had faded somewhat, giving way to a hint of hardness around the edges.

Almaric said nothing, but loosened the strings on his purse, fished out a silver piece, and tossed it to Master Aysmere. “Keep this as a token of the mercy and kindness of the Kindred. May you walk in the light.

“The same to you, my good sirs. While you’re here, may I interest you in a fine Bregonian longbow? Usurpers are no match for a three-foot oak shaft. A few Bregonian bows in the hands of your famed Kinsmen and this war’ll be over soon enough, I say.”

Brother Almaric looked appalled. “Base worldly affairs matter not to the Holy Kindred. Unenlightened men quarrel over crowns and a few acres of land, not those who have found the light,” he said coldly. 

“Forgive the mistake of an uneducated boor,” said Master Aysmere humbly. Almaric caught his meaningful glance at the swords slung over the backs of Stefan and Gregor.

“An unarmed Hospitaller needs protection from the unenlightened souls of the world,” he said.     

Aye, and longbows can take care of trouble a long way off, before it ever reaches your unsullied person. There’s nothing compare with a yew longbow. A good twoscore winters past I ventured down to the kingdoms of Gueltron and Saerid. Some fanciful yarns I have of those travels…anyway….Practically bristling down there, they were. They held halberds, greatswords, horsebows, ‘n all a manner of arms.” He grinned indulgently as he waggled a finger at the Servants, apparently under the impression that they wanted to hear his story. They seemed disinterested, at best.

“I made a wager with a fool, saying that he would be better served with a longbow as his sword and shield. An’ I won that wager, for the only thing more powerful than a Bregonion longbow is a steel-armed crossbow, but a novice can loose more’n thrice as many arrows as a well-trained crossbowman.”  He took a deep breath, apparently savoring sharing an old story with a new audience.

“Later on I came to a rundown castle in the heartlands of Gueltron. Miserable and crumbling, it was, but all the common folk were hiding inside it. Brigands and raiders roamed the land after the Rift Wars, and their fields had been trampled or put to torch.

“I came across this thick man, tough as an old oak root, a farmer with arms as big as tree trunks and shoulders like an ox. When I told him I was a bowyer from Bregon, he lit up. ‘Might be I have you to thank for my life,’ he told me. I asked why and he told me this tale.

“Marret-that was his name, Marret-, was lucky enough in his younger days to have come across a very old Bregonian yew bow. Taller’n me, it was, and like as heavy, with a pull weight that matched, but Marret was of a size that he could bend fletching to cheek without a second thought. A peddler had it in the back of his ox-cart, unaware of the treasure he carried. But Marret was a shrewd fellow, an’ recognized a good bow. Got it for a skin of wine, he did. Marret refused to leave retreat to the castle, and protected his family from the scum that preyed on the weak with that longbow. One day a lone brigand was riding towards his house. All dressed in black, he was, with a matching midnight destrier.” Master Aysmere’s voice dropped to a dramatic hush. “Marret nocked an arrow and stood square in the center of the road. ‘Halt if you come in peace!’ he cried. But the rider kept on coming. ‘Halt!’ The rider was bearing down on him, his horse in a full gallop. Marret bent the bow when the brigand was but fifty paces away and loosed the shaft. Took the man high up in the thigh, he told me, then pierced the saddle clean through and killed the warhorse ‘neath him.”

Tristan and Gaerith, having heard this tale a thousand times, rolled their eyes. When Master Aysmere was in the cups, sometimes the brigand was at one hundred paces, and the arrow had pierced through both sides of the chain-mail skirt of a hauberk, as well. “As I said, there’s nothing I’d rather have in me hands in battle,” said Eryc lovingly. “We use the strongest yew trees, with the heartwood and sapwood in the stave like slices of black and white, aged and dried for four years, and shaved down to a fearsome weapon by honest hands. The strings are of hemp and beeswax, and the arrows are half the height of the archer. Some say the feathers of a hunter make for the most successful hunter, but we don’t use raptor vanes. Goose or wild turkey is the best. Accurate as-”

“That light-forsaken man was hung for that, but the man he so wisely shot lives, albeit with a limp,” Almaric said, snapping Master Aysmere out of his reverie.  “The name of that Brother was Hospitaller Mircae,” he continued frostily. “And mayhap you have the finer details of the story wrong. He was unarmed and rode merely an ill-tempered mule, traveling peacefully offering his arts of meditation and healing to the people whose lands had been torn and ravaged by the war.”

Eryc’s smile wilted. “I believe we heard different stories, my good sirs,” he said. His face was a grey stone mask.

“Did this wise archer of yours have two daughters of an age with your apprentices, a beard of black bristles, and a pox-scarred face?” asked the Brother silkily. Eryc’s face remained impassive, but he didn’t deny it. “So I thought.”   

The three men turned to leave the workshop, and were halfway out the door when Eryc spoke again. His eyes had taken a dangerous glint. “Perchance you might have heard the finer details wrong; daughters and pox-marks are far from uncommon, and beards can be grown or shaved at will. Or perhaps you got another detail wrong. Not all Brothers rode in peace, my good sirs. Good day to you all.”

Brother Almaric stood immobile in the doorway. Kinsmen Gregor fingered his sword hilt, almost lovingly. Finally Almaric spoke. “These are dark time, Master Aysmere,” he said softly. “Walk in the light, or answer to the Holy Kindred.” With that, he swept out of the workshop, door clacking shut behind him.

Tristan and Gaerith said nothing, shocked. Master Aysmere usually was an easy-going, amiable fellow; always one to share a drink, a story, or both. “I have no love of the Kindred,” he said, glowering. His eyes were still fixed on the door, though the Servants were long gone. “If you had seen the horrors they wrought on the land in the name of justice and light…”

Gaerith finally spoke up. “Father, those men could be dangerous. Why did you-”

“Don’t talk about things what don’t concern you, lad,” said Eryc heatedly. “Men of contradictions, that’s what the Servants are. Two-faced dogs who pass out money to people in the name of mercy then put whole villages to the torch when the deem them not pious enough. The lot of them can burn in eternity, I say. Ptaw! That’s what I have to say about the Kindred,” he spat, and threw the silver coin across the room.

He hefted the bow he’d been carved, ran his hand smoothly over the contours and curves, and then tossed it the Gaerith. His tone softened. “String it and test it outside.”

Tristan knew it didn’t take two to test a bow, but sensed Master Aysmere needed some time to brood privately on his thoughts, so he followed Gaerith outside.

The people in the streets were normal enough, unruffled and unhurried. Tristan supposed the Servants hadn’t had time to visit many on the eve.

 Walking past the thatched, slate-walled houses, Tristan saw many familiar faces. The blacksmith’s apprentice, Murrigam, waved friendlily to them as he passed them. A simple fellow, he was built along the same lines as had been Bran, and was oft used to carry anvils or carry loads usually reserved for the strongest of pack animals. Tristan had always felt a sense of kinship with the simpleton, for Murrigam’s parents had both died in the fierce blizzard a few winters past, but also had an odd feeling of jealousy when he thought that Murrigam, at least, had had fourteen happy years with his parents…

They reached the town square, where a huge oak tree was planted. It served as a center for ceremony, celebrations, and also as a gallows, though there hadn’t been a hanging in living memory. Off to the left was the Wobbly Wheel Inn, owned by Gleirio Aryanrhod, the wealthiest person in the village, and her skinny henpecked husband, whose hands were as stingy with coin as his dark hair was greasy. They continued to walk through the village, until the houses thinned out and gave way to dewy hills. The fog was thinning, though the sky was still gray.

 Soon they came upon an empty field where Gaerith had rolled a bale of hay about eighty paces out. Gaerith strung the bow, tested it with a quick flex, then nocked an arrow.

He pulled the shaft back slowly, the motion smooth and flawless. Not for nothing was Gaerith was generally considered the best archer within twenty leagues. His breathing slowed and he closed his eyes, as he ‘felt the target’ as he liked to say.   

All at once he loosed the arrow. Like chain lightning it left Gaerith’s bow, leaving the bowstring thrumming. The shaft sang through the air in a shallow arc before burying itself deep into the bale of hay. Tristan and Gaerith both gave nods of satisfaction.

“It’s a good bow,” declared Gaerith. “Though it might be lacking somewhat in power.” Tristan, who knew he could only with difficulty bend the bow, said nothing. Instead, he picked up one of the makeshift quarterstaffs they always left out in the field to use. It was cold and wet with rain. “Have at you!” he joked.

Gaerith carefully leaned the new bow against the stone fence before picking up the quarterstaff. He placed his hands exactly before giving it an experimental twirl, then raised it in a defensive form. “Hit me if you can.”

They met, staffs twirling and spinning like live things in their hands, wood clacking on wood. A longbow and a quarterstaff are commoner’s weapons, Eryc always said, and a crossbow a craven’s weapon, but that makes them no less deadly.

Up and down the scree-filled slopes they sparred, until both were aching and covered with bruises. They ended on the top of one of the hills, by an ash that had been split by lightning. Gaerith was the first to throw his stick down, laughing, “I yield!” Tristan threw his down too, just as the clouds split and sunbeams poured from the sky, burning away the little mist that remained. A single ray bathed the crest of the hill in light, giving the blackened tree an otherworldly glow.

Both tumbled to the ground, laughing like little boys again, to fall onto the wet heath. The sun was warm upon their faces, though the ground was still chilly and dewy. Their laughter faded and they grew quite. Tristan found himself studying the dead leafless ash, examining the rift where lightning, like a silent sword stroke of judgment from the heavens, had split it down the middle like it was butter. He wondered if the same could happen to men, and the words of Brother Almaric came back to him.

It was Gaerith who broke the silence first. “Have you ever wanted to leave?”

A thousand thoughts and images filled Tristan’s mind: Bran’s funeral pyre, his empty house, sitting under the name-tree, the blood-stained cloth, the stag pendant and the sword that had been his father’s, growing up without his parents, the cold hearth…“Of course I have, especially since Bran…” He swallowed. “But where would we go?”

Gaerith shrugged. “I haven’t a clue. I just want to see the world, and live up to my name.”

Tristan laughed. “That might be difficult.” They had a good talk, like they used to when they were children, fancying themselves as Tristan the Bold and Gaerith the Stout who voyaged to the ends of the world, to the magic Sweetspring Fountain in the Shining Isles that spouted holy water. “Father could never run the workshop without us…”

The daydream faded, just as the last light of the afternoon fled. The clouds had long ago filled in the hole through which the sun had shone briefly. “We’d better hurry, it looks like-”

“Rain, again,” finished Gaerith. They both laughed, then raced to the stone fence. Gaerith won but for once didn’t make Tristan sing the loser’s song. They picked up the bow as they left.

Tristan gave the hilltop one last glance before they departed. With the sun gone, the hill seemed once again dead, inanimate. The blackened ash tree stood out dully against the slate-grey clouds in the background, no longer wreathed in its short-lived glory. Tristan felt sadness fill him again as they trudged back to the village. It had been good for a while, to pretend that he was a child again. To imagine the wide world, open for discovery… 

The sky had taken on a much darker hue in the few minutes it took to reach to bowyer shop. The hanging wooden sign above the front door began creaking in a rising wind. They let themselves inside. 

Master Aysmere’s mood had remained as dark as the sky outside. From the looks of it, he hadn’t made any progress on the bow he’d started when Tristan and Gaerith had left. He didn’t look up when Gaerith closed the heavy doors behind them.

“Father?” he asked tentatively.

Eryc’s head jerked up. “Yes?” he asked vaguely. His eyes were unfocused and not fixed on his son, as though they were looking at something else far away. 

Gaerith’s mouth worked silently for a few moments, as though he hadn’t e expected an answer. “Ah…the bow is ready.”

“So is supper. I’ll join you in a few moments.”

Tristan followed Gaerith from the workshop into the Aysmere’s house. It was larger than Tristan’s, and much lighter. Gaerith’s many siblings ran amok, dodging Mistress Aysmere as she unperturbedly carried a plate of mutton and boiled potatoes to the table.

“Hello, boys,” she said briskly, wiping her hands on her spotless apron. “Aderyn, don’t you dare,” she said warningly. The young boy, who had been trying to purloin a piece of meat, froze. She raised her voice so all the children could hear. “Sit down, quietly, or off to bed with the lot of you with no supper.” The many children immediately dropped dolls, wooden makeshift quarterstaffs, and in Walterr’s case, a noose he’d been trying to strangle Emrys with, and scurried to the table. The eldest, Aerona, was only fourteen winters old, far younger than Gaerith. Tristan seated himself in a comfortable wicker chair next to his friend-and a comfortable distance away from Aerona, who gave him timid smiles whenever their eyes met-and waited for Mistress Aysmere to return so they could begin supping. He was famished.

“Where’s father?” piped up Kendall.

“He’s coming,” replied Gaerith. “Now hush up, before mother sends you to bed.”

“I was only asking,” pouted Kendall, but she remained silent.

Mistress Aysmere returned to the table with goat cheese and freshly-baked bread just as Eryc entered from the workshop, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “It smells like mutton, children!”

“What are mutton children?” Kendall inquired to nobody in particular, wrinkling up her little face.

“It’s a secret, silly,” replied Emrys solemnly. “You’ll find out when you’re older.” Eryc walked around the table, kissing each child on the forehead. Gaerith always looked painfully uncomfortable whenever Eryc kissed him in Tristan’s sight. Lastly he came to his wife, who gave him a quick peck.

“You call that a kiss, woman?” he laughed. “Come here, you!” He raised her out of her chair as easily as though she were a rag doll and tickled her until she giggled. Gaerith raised his eyebrows at Tristan.

At last Eryc seated his large frame on the chair at the head of the table, which creaked alarmingly under his significant weight. In his younger days he had been as strong as an ox, but age and ale had endowed him with some sprinkling of snow in his dark hair and soft flesh where hard muscle had once been.

Adela Aysmere served Tristan first-she always did, no matter how much he protested-and gave him a warm smile. Tiny her frame might be, but her heart was big. Feeding a family of nine was no small feat, and the addition of a man’s appetite to two of every three meals must be a burden to her, but she never once voiced the slightest complaint.

The chatter at the table soon died down as everybody began eating, except for Eryc, who began telling his favorite story. The half-drained horn of ale at the table had replaced the twinkle in his eyes and the flush in his cheeks; the day’s worries seemed forgotten. Outside another storm raged, the rain lashing wildly against the sturdy roof and walls.

As the evening dragged on many of the children trailed off to the loft to sleep, until only Adela, Eryc, Gaerith, Tristan, and Aerona remained. She had taken the opportunity to move into the vacated seat on Tristan’s right. Eryc was telling the story about how he’d outsmarted a dishonest street vender. “…and so I said to him, ‘That’s not a turnip, that’s a pumpkin!’ ”. Eryc roared with laughter, banging the table with his fist, apparently untroubled by the fact that his audience was chuckling feebly, at best.  With the children in bed, Mistress Aysmere had poured mugs of strong cider for everybody. Tristan didn’t particularly like it-it burned his throat like fire-but he was grateful for her generosity, and he was besides a man grown now. 

“Right,” Master Aysmere said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, “Off to bed with you, Aerona, my little sweet.” Aerona made a childish petulant face but kissed her parents and went up the stairs to the loft anyway. She stopped at the landing and hid in the shadows, looking at Tristan. He pretended not to notice. “Ah, Aerona, she’s a real character,” sighed Eryc. “Perchance someday I’ll marry her off to you, lad, after she’s had a chance to ripen a little.”

Gaerith began choking in his mug, spraying cider everywhere, and Tristan tried not to let similar emotions show on his face. “What an honor...I hardly know what...” he started weakly. 

Eryc dissolved into helpless laughter, and Adela gave him a reproachful glance. “It was a bad jest,” she said. “Take no notice of this drunken oaf. Right, off to bed with the lot of you.”

“Drunken?” said Eryc in a protesting tone. “I like me ale, is all. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sense of humor, nothing at all.”  

 “I’ve heard it all before, husband of mine, one, twice, thrice, and a thousand time,” she said, clearing up the table, “And I’m no more convinced now than I was the very first time.” Tristan had gathered up his boots and his coat. “Oh no, Tristan,” she said, scandalized. “You cannot think that I would let you venture home in this weather, surely?” She pressed thick blankets into his hands, which she had seemingly conjured out of thin air.

This was how Tristan found himself sleeping in the warm loft, underneath several thick blankets, with Walterr sprawled on top of him, snoring softly. Sleep was quick in coming that night, until….

Three loud knocks on the door rang out loudly in the dark. Tristan’s eyes sprang open. Around him, a few of the Aysmere children stirred in their sleep, but none of them woke. Downstairs he could hear Master Aysmere cursing softly. Tristan craned his neck to look down the stairs at the front door, trying hard not the disturb Walterr, who seemed as comfortable as a sunbathing cat.

Moments later Eryc emerged in a loose-fitting shift, clutching a candle. He opened the door quietly, and the sound of the pouring rain came in from outside. “What is it, Alen?” he asked quietly, yet plainly annoyed. “I just got asleep, and the children will be grumpy on the morrow if you woke them.”

“Are you going to let me inside, or chastise me all night?”

“Not so loud!” said Eryc. “I told you, the children are asleep. As to letting you inside, that would depend on the nature of your business. I would hope it was important, considering you find it impossible to get out in your field and work during the day due to your mystery illness.”

“Never mind that now,” said Alen Culhwch agitatedly. “This is of the utmost importance.”

“All right then, come in if you must, but if you have come here with the latest washerwoman’s gossip, I promise you on my mother’s grave I will throw you outside into the mud.”

  “I see my honest work this night will be repaid with naught but mistrust,” sniffed Alen. “But I suppose that’s a burden-”

“Get on with it, Alen,” growled Eryc.

The swine-herder gave him one last accusing glance before starting. “This concerns the fellows who came in last night, those men from the Kindred of the Flame.” Alen was not disappointed-he suddenly had Eryc’s rapt attention.

“What about those scoundrels?” he demanded loudly.

“Not so loud!” said Alen reproachfully. He resumed his story, lowering his voice to a dramatic hush. “They’ve disappeared.”

Master Aysmere straightened up, silent. His face was blank. “That’s it?” he asked. “You woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that three strangers have decided to sleep in a bush for the night?”

“No, you see, they’ve left!” repeated Alen. “Gone and clean disappeared. They visited all the houses in Annwyn, right, save for a few. Then all the sudden, they’re nowhere to be seen! And as to sleeping in bushes, Eryc, I have it on good authority that last night they stayed in the finest rooms the Wobbly Wheel has to offer. Dafed swears he saw the Brother conjure up a black serpent stinking of burning brimstone in our sacred Charn Woods, and that the three of them rode it away.”

“Dafed Celyn?” scoffed Eryc. “The same one who told the whole village last spring that he had found a way to cure warts with a sprig of holly and incantations in the Old Tongue?”

The swine-herder looked impatient. “Yes, but he swears the tale on his life this time, you see,” insisted Alen. “And Aeron swears he saw one of the silent swordsmen chaps drink chicken blood last night.” 

There was a long silence as Eryc fixed him with a stare. “There’s a reason your name means ‘breeding place of swine’ in the Old Tongue, Master Culhwch,” he said scathingly. “Your rumors are as filthy as the beasts you care for. Go back to bed and trouble honest folks no more.” 

“No need to get prickly, Eryc…I was just repeating what I’ve heard…”

Master Aysmere snorted. “Go back to sleep. And since you’re feeling so spry I expect to see you working with your swine tomorrow. Good night.”

He pushed the still-protesting Alen back out in the rain before closing the door. By then Adela had come. “What was that, Eryc?” she asked sleepily.

“Nothing, my sweet,” he said. “Nothing at all. Just whispers in the dark. Let’s go back to bed.”

They both left, and the candle went with them, plunging the loft back into warm, dark silence. Tristan soon fell asleep again.

He was wakened by frantic pounding. It was still pitch-black inside. Instead of stopping, the knocking grew louder. Eryc came lumbering to the door once again. “If it’s Alen out there again I will-”

“It’s not!” cried an urgent voice from outside. “It’s Dryfan, open quickly!”

The door swung open, and the Cunning One stumbled inside, dripping mud and water. “Tristan’s house,” he coughed. “It’s on fire.” 

 

 

←- Chapter III-A Dungeon of Words | Chapter IV-A Storm Seen in the Mind's Eye -→

DateNameComment 
27 Jan 2007:-) Bethan Jones
Wow i need to know what happens 2 This is much more gripping than the first chapter and just as fascinating. I honestly felt like i was reading a book. A few small criticisms again. Try and be consistent with your character's names rather than swapping between two titles and you might want to proof read i spotted a few mistakes (nothing major). I love the bit about the mutton children and you left it on a real cliff hanger!!!! Hurry up and write the next chapter

:-) James P-W replies: "Wow that's a really huge compliment because my ultimate goal is to someday get a book published...perhaps this story? Who knows. "
29 Jan 2007:-) Mark Krueger
And now the hook of your story is permanently imbedded in the tender soft pallette of my mouth. NICELY DONE!

I have one tiny nit: Where Eryc is talking to the Servants he cracks the joke (which I enjoyed, LOL) then closes with "I know did not come all this way to bandy lewd words"

I think a word is missing - maybe "I know YOU did not come ...." ??

Anyway, that's the only nit I saw. This is VERY well written. I am looking forward to your next installment!

:-) James P-W replies: "Thanks for the criticisms and the compliments. I'm glad you liked it! Chapters 3-6ish are on the way...not for a while though. I'm going to introduce some more plots/characters. "
3 Feb 2007:-) Musty Zein
awesome story you got here. Its very well written and I love how the plot is panning out. I hope more is on the way
10 Feb 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
the quarterstaff. <- I'd go for 'the other' or such like, because now you're giving the impression that he's picking up Tristan's quarterstaff. I'm enjoy this much, MUCH more than the previous chapter. I love the easy cameraderie between these two and the way the world still feels so detailed and the story only thickens.

he hadn’t e expected <- you've got a rogue e there. ^-~

Aerona, who gave him timid smiles <- *chuckles* Awww. That's a lovely touch. ^-^

“What are mutton children?” <- *cackles* Awwww... She's a darling.

replied Emrys solemnly <- everywhere else, every tag goes 'name/pronoun verb' here it;s 'verb name/pronoun'. That doesn't work. It's not symmetrical. Either it's all the former or all the latter, but not both.

he addition of a man’s appetite to two of every three meals must be a burden to her <- that must be the second or third time you've said that. I have third lodged into my head, but you said it in the previous chapter at least once anyway and your readers probably have a memory good enough to remember it. ^-~ Show, don't tell and all that. (I'm beginning to suspect that that's a dreaded thing to tell a person.) If you do decide to rework the first chapter to make it all start earlier, you wouldn't have to repeat it all the time. The characters would have been introduced and you'd have had time and chances to show them skim on meals to provide for Tristan's share, but that's just my opinion. *shrugs helplessly* Feel free to ignore me.

She had taken the opportunity <- I've a feeling she might just be infatuated with the lad. That's such a sweet touch and such a wonderful way to give minor characters some depth.

until…. <- three periods for elipses, four is unknown. Personally, I'd say you're more than talented enough to get rid of the 'until' entirely and make that following paragraph actually have a jolting impact on the reader. Can be good reactions after all. This just has the opposite effect of creating tension. I don't go 'until what?' at this, but '*yawn* He'll be woken up now.'

“It’s on fire.” <- It's on fire? In heavy rain? *flicks an eyebrow* But I must admit that my sceptisism makes me all the more curious to see how it continues. (Although I'm afraid I'll have to be cross with you if you fall into the magnificent protagonist trap that plagues so many fantasy stories.)

This was lovely. Absolutely wonderful! I really loved the feeling that this chapter has. I loved the way all the characters seemed to be fleshed out and the dialogue between them all. I loved the chemistry between them as well. I love how the characters are being shown and how the story takes a few chapters to truly get going. That's something that does work. ^-^

And I'm afraid that's all the babbling I'm good for today. ^-^;; Let me know when you have more up!

:-) James P-W replies: "Attack of the rogue letter…how I hate those…No, I agree about the “burden of extra man, etc…”Woah, three periods is an ellipse…I didn’t know there were rules. I supposed its as my mums always said – education really is better in Great Britain than the US…hahaActually the house on fire in the rain was not meant to be suggestive of something mysterious (I mean, other than someone perhaps setting it alight…). I go camping a lot and once you get fires started they burn quite all right in the rain. I’m working on the next couple of chapters…as many as five will be up in 2 months or so, ill say (im extremely busy at the moment with extracurriculars and schoolwork). The planned book is supposed to intertwine at least four different stories (Tristan, a girl, a warrior, and a lord). I will post enough of the story on elfwood so I can get feedback on how the start of the story is set up and how my major characters are fleshing out. Ch 3 introduces one of these other characters, though we return to Tristan and Bregon in Ch 4. “Although I'm afraid I'll have to be cross with you if you fall into the magnificent protagonist trap that plagues so many fantasy stories.”---what trap is this exactly? Is it the stereotypical “boy with no past leaves home, learns he’s prophesized to save the world for evil?” Tristan does leave Bregon (theres only so much action you can have in a land of sheepfields and mountains) but he’s not like the Messiah or anything. My characters are all supposed to be real humans with real flaws, real desires, etc. Theres no perfect savior, and nobody has particularly spectacular powers beyond what talents they posess and their wits. Again, I want to thank you for all your comments. It was really helpful and I am currently in the process of editing my first two chapters. I shall let you know when CHs 3-maybe 8 are out. Thank you! "
10 Feb 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
(Okay, I lied. I did manage to find time today after all.)

away slowly by steadily behind his eyes from lack of sleep <- Methinks you're trying to say several different things mixed into one here.

and limited sight, limiting Tristan’s <- limited, limiting repetition. That said, I wish your first chapter was as focused as these paragraphs show this chapter to be. Do you have a working title for this story by the way?

He could have sworn Master Aysmere’s clouded angrily at this for a moment <- so Tristan turned to face him? (Sorry, but it's not stating things like that that can lead to confusion and I'm in a pedantic mood today. I'd get a second opinion on it in any case. ^-^)

an’s boy-though I don <- bow, methinks, and I have to concur with Mark's comment previously on the hypens. If they were dashes (which are longer) it'd be fine without space, if they were double hyphens it'd be acceptable, but as it stands, you're only combining two words instead of getting the effect of a dash. It's not a huge problem, but it does make the reader pause to read it again and understand that you meant dashes.

“But I’ve found that some bread and ale does one good all the same.” <- *laughs* Oh, but I do love him. He's lovely. You've got to love comments like that.

An’ I believe <- yet, before, he's never displayed this accent. I'm not the greatest with writing them, but it does make me wonder whether there's a consistency to it that makes the 'd' pronounce sometimes, but not others. Can't be 'd' drops before a vowel, because then it'd have been dropped before Alen as well. Can't be 'd' drops before a consonant, because then it wouldn't be dropped here. (Sorry, I told you I was in a pedantic mood.)

,” he said. <- I think you can do without the tag, but that's a personal preference, really. Not wrong this way, but not wrong without it either.

Mircae,” he continued <- can't put two speech tags on the same paragraph, though why I'm not entirely sure. Might be like with writing out numbers, it's all a matter of preference. Definitely get a second opinion on this. I do like the story though. It really carries the sense that Eryc likes to tell stories wonderfully. I loved the little touch with Tristan and Gaerith rolling their eyes in disbelief, and Almaric interrupting him to set him straight. *smiles* That's a wonderful touch that is. Just goes to show that stories tend to have a grain of truth. Not that I trust Almaric and company.

Tristan saw many familiar faces. <- as this is the village he's lived in all his life, I'm not surprised that they're familiar faces. ^-~ (Sorry, I just think it's a little bit superfluous to mention it.)

:-) James P-W replies: "I meant “grinding away slowly BUT steadily behind his eyes from lack of sleep” and I was trying to describe that horrible sensation in your head when you slept too little, too much, or just in a funkylicious position (i.e. lying on fist, etc)Yea, I have issues with word repetition. Ill use a thesaurus sometime…This story is called A MURDER OF CROWS. Murder is to crows as flock is to birds, etc (in case you didn’t know). “Crows” as you will also find out later is a reference to the Kindred (they wear black robes), so “A Murder of Crows” also means the evil things they do… muahaha. I thought it was clever : ) It has a double meaning (so does “pride of lions”, for example). Yea, I also have issues with accents. I just write things out as they pop into my head. Methinks my imaginations a tad bit inconsistent. He’s a kind but not-very-well educated person (though far from stupid), and I was trying to put that across. Thanks for pointing that out though. Question: Do you “understand” the story Eryc tells about Marret? I feel it came out a bit confusing and muddled........I included it because I wanted to hint at the darker undercurrents of the Kindred, reveal a bit about Eryc’s personality, and show how fricking sweet the longbow is : ) HA! the “familiar faces ”bit is VERY redundant. I didn’t realize that. "
11 Feb 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
((Goodness... I've never left a two-comment reply-reply before...)

'three periods is an ellipse…I didn’t know there were rules. I supposed its as my mums always said – education really is better in Great Britain than the US…haha'

*chuckles* 'fraid my time in the UK amounts to a total of five days. I'm Dutch. ^-~ Where education is going fast down the drain, but never mind that.

'I go camping a lot and once you get fires started they burn quite all right in the rain'

*takes notes* But you'd still have to get it started first, which is really what I had problems with. Not that I should if Tristan's house is unlocked. Hadn't thought of that possibility. So used to houses being inaccessible without keys.

'what trap is this exactly? Is it the stereotypical “boy with no past leaves home, learns he’s prophesized to save the world for evil?'

More the 'Look at all the supercool things my protagonist can do without the years of practice they need' kind, but I'm glad to hear that my fears are ungrounded! Had a feeling they probably were, which is why I'd have been cross if they weren't. If that makes sense. 'tis just that I'm slowly growing rather adverse to that plot, even when it shines as I've no doubt you'd make it. ^-^

*glomp* Thank you! I'd love to know when they're up! (Even if I may not get to them right away, but we'll cross that hurdle when we get there.)

*bounces off* More! More!

:-) James P-W replies: "oh...i guess i was so used to seeing on people's profile that theyre from the UK i assumed you were too..never mind though. Yea, I've grown rather sick of that plot line too. hopefully i will avoid getting dragged into it...thanks again for everything!"
11 Feb 200745 L. Shanra Kuepers
'This story is called A MURDER OF CROWS. Murder is to crows as flock is to birds, etc (in case you didn’t know). “Crows” as you will also find out later is a reference to the Kindred (they wear black robes), so “A Murder of Crows” also means the evil things they do… muahaha. I thought it was clever : )'

Ooooh! I didn't know that! (I'm horrid with word games. Surprising, really, since I love languages.)

'Yea, I also have issues with accents. I just write things out as they pop into my head. Methinks my imaginations a tad bit inconsistent.'

Nah... No worries. That's why you have revisions and annoying people like me. ^-~ You should see some of my characters, anyway. Can't settle on their eye colour. (In their defence, it's an in-story ability, but it doesn't make it less annoying.)

'He’s a kind but not-very-well educated person (though far from stupid), and I was trying to put that across. Thanks for pointing that out though.'

I think you did just fine with that even discounting the accent. (Actually, I'd suggest you either give all of them an accent or none of them. They live in the same village, so they'd all have the same one.) Besides, really, you've got a very vivid world build up here. Anyone who expects them to speak posh and/or write/read should have their head examined. 's Quite clear that that doesn't fit into the situation.

'Do you “understand” the story Eryc tells about Marret?'

It read fine to me. ^-^ I loved the threeway view on the story: Eryc's, Almaric's and Tristan/Gaerith's. The latter two are going to look at his stories differently from now on, I'm sure. It's a great example of the Kindred and of how stories grow in the telling to become what the people want it to become. What it does brilliantly is make you wonder which version to trust.

Are you an archer yourself, by chance? (I'm just curious for the sake of curiosity.)

:-) James P-W replies: "Wow...a two comment reply, to my reply of your comments...I held a bow just once in my life, but it was sweet! i saw a special on the history channel about it once and i freaked out. i wanted my story to convey my love of the longbow. i also did a little bit of research on the longbow, and two of my slightly-close (?) friends are archers (one of them got 7th in our state or something once)"
18 Jun 2007:-) Beth Alice O´Leary
OOooh, I come, belatedly... [tucks in, wrapped in blanket]

‘Muddy puddles stood quietly’ <-- I always imagine puddles to sit, rather than stand, stand suggesting tallness, like trees… Ahem, sorry, randomness there…

‘He let himself in to workshop’ <-- I’m guessing that you mean ‘into the workshop’ there.

‘A small fire was started in the small fire-pit’ <-- two smalls too!

‘a true man’s boy-though I don’t see how he’s going to be able to bend it-, and’ – first nittness = you mean ‘bow’ not ‘boy’, I think.. second nittness = I think I’m the only person that this annoys but dashes need spaces on either side! It’s probably a silly formatting thing… third nittness = you have -, after ‘bend it’ [can’t help thinking ‘like Beckham’ there] and I don’t think that’s allowed, young man..

Curse you strange Americans and your even stranger spellings! Travellers with one L indeed…

I take a break from my nitpicking to quickly say how fascinating these Kinsman are.. They intrigue me, they do… Eryc is convincing, his speech natural and definitely fitting with the style of the piece, and all in all seems like a great character. I want more Eryc!

You seem to know your stuff about archery… [impressed, knowing nothing]

‘A simple fellow, he was built along the same lines as had been Bran’ – odd sentence structure there. It might be the different countries thing (heh) but to me ‘same lines as Bran had been’ sounds better...

I adore the descriptions of the landscape, particularly when Gaerith and Tristan are fighting on the hill in the rain. It is so very Welsh, but at the same time has an otherworldlyness of its own... the whole paragraph, despite being very happy and beautiful, gives a sinister feeling of it being too good to last. I really like this story, James. Most impressive. [nods gravely]

The family scene is heartwarming [is still waiting for the Bad Thing to happen]

‘he was besides a man grown now’ – possibly another American thing, but the ‘besides’ doesn’t work for me there. How about at the beginning, followed by a comma?

The Aerona sideplot looks set to be an interesting one. I like the way you dropped in subtle hints – I’d like to know more about what she looks like, though, and how well she knows Tristan, and things...

Anyhow, absolutely lovely ^_^ Really, I did enjoy it. I look forward to reading on (eventually..!)

:-) James P-W replies: "thanks for stopping by again : ) always glad to get nits. I agree with them all (I have sorted out my hyphen/dash issue due to previous commenters). glad you liked the story. there is a bit more eryc, but alas the "aerona sideplot" does not exist, except to establish tristan in his home town and everything. but please, come back soon! *offers plate of cookies as bribery* "
2 Mar 200845 Murk
Well. I rather liked that bit at the end there, where Alen comes rushing in to give them some not-very-important news. Keeps us from wondering where the Kindred are (as I’m sure we will in the next chapter) and provides a nice little anti-climatic scene without being over-the-top silly.

The bit with Aerona I liked because Tristan didn’t have any romantic feelings towards her. I find in a lot of the books I read (which are mostly geared towards teenagers) the protagonist tends to fall madly in love with the first person of the opposite sex we see them with, who returns the feeling, and then they live happily ever after. Which gets dull after the five-hundredth time, and doesn’t happen in real life.

I collected a bunch of critiques to give you, but they’ve all been addressed. One final thought:
"The many children immediately dropped dolls, wooden makeshift quarterstaffs, and in Walterr’s case, a noose he’d been trying to strangle Emrys with..." I knew there was a reason I don’t like little brats...that’s just hilarious.
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About 'Chapter II-Whispers in the Dark':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) James P-W
 • Copyright: ©James P-W. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Tristan, Bow, Rain, Kindred
 • Categories: European Traditions, Mythology, Celtic, History-based, Parallel or Alternate Reality/Universe
 • Views: 165


More by 'James P-W':
Chapter IX-A Murder of Crows
Quod Erat Demonstratum
Chapter I-A Cold Hearth
Chapter III-A Dungeon of Words
Chapter V-Flight into the Darkness
Chapter VIII-An Unlikely Apprentice
Chapter VII-Beneath A Killing Moon
Chapter IV-A Storm Seen in the Mind's Eye

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