"Wanted: Rahah Okeishu" by Kim Schoonover (FreeBSD/i386 [moose] [ttyv5])

~* Wanted *~

Rahah Okeishu

~* Sizable Reward *~

Dead or Alive.
(Subject can resurrected later if need be. All that is required is a body and/or ghost.)

Subject has also been known to use the following aliases (and variations thereof):

                 • Aelnor, Melanoia
                  • Alieran, Desiree
                  • Amoeba of Darkness, An
                  • Aran, Emilia
                  • Athyria
                  • Athyrianu
                  • Azaelius, Veruth
                  • Bric, Budok
                  • Brik, Budoc
                  • Cedolyn, Nemiya
                  • Cemandus, Lydiea
                  • Di'anellar, Apheori
                  • DiHante, Beryl
                  • Dri, Aekrin
                  • Eledreya, Zelienya
                  • Elividu, Chidori
                  • Eltoris, Diasu
                  • Enchanter
                  • Freeman, Matthew
                  • Gaheris, Alyssa
                  • Gremeyer, Fred
                  • Hallteed, Riagrin
                  • Hillviz, Fred
                  • Hzu, Alioren
                  • Isis
                  • Ivanova, Lizaveta
                  • Jacobson, Stephanie
                  • Jones, Lily
                  • Jr'ein, Vilduris
                  • Lagrimas, Sombra de
                  • Lahiriss, Ariel
                  • Le'tness, Gleniethiel
                  • Lisall, Maya Dramri
                  • Lob
                  • Lobism
                  • Lutgardis, Ajindu Reale
                  • Lyonsbane, Brieli
                  • Maheris, Lilavati
                  • Mars, Leoli
                  • Marshall, Laura
                  • Marsin, Dresthas
                  • Mei, Shavaku
                  • Moose
                  • Murias
                  • Noyvern, Elle
                  • Pack of singing llamas, A
                  • Rainklefen, Perin
                  • Ras, Saphiya
                  • Rhin, Palomita
                  • Rigsid, Meriadoc
                  • Sa, Indri
                  • Saravati, Anuliesu
                  • Schoonover, Kim
                  • Senna, Kimberly
                  • Seremisu, Zaresiel
                  • Setanis, Lyrithya
                  • Shalias
                  • Shimerrdin, Kaylee
                  • Siyen, Ariis
                  • Ska Kavienoosa, Unatra
                  • Soniyatha, Jixthyis
                  • Starcat
                  • Starcatfluff
                  • Starcatsong
                  • Steel Ostrich, The
                  • Stronten, Georg
                  • Telinski, Sara
                  • Thonas, Delia
                  • Ti, Sei
                  • Tin, Ajras
                  • Tlalloc, Reesa
                  • Trilenn, Veas
                  • Uracil, Ashanti
                  • Velteff, Bugdish
                  • Voldemar, Jenna
                  • Ylnen, Melanie
                  • Yondorag, Old Man
                  • Zheng, Rhi'athalia Athienus
                  • Zyrustan, Elithrir


Subject is Deresi, with noticeable ears and a distinct tierna, though she may hide it with foundation. Prefers long hair, generally black or red, often very shiny. Has purple eyes, may try to disguise them with contact lenses, wears an avatar savani amulet, and is capable of spellcraft to learn languages from any elf or spellcaster she comes in contact with. Can shapeshift, but only temporarily; lacks the expertise to alter the DNA as well and so reverts back to original form within a few hours. Subject is often identifiable by her peculiar personality and innate oddness and randomness.

Subject has also been known to cross-dress to elude law enforcement officials.

Wanted For:

...the murders of Megan Proverbs, Naomi Thrower, Greg Lyons and several others, some multiple times...
...the murders of random visitors to her page and innocent bystanders...
...the assassination of Queen Delenia Sha Vestha...
...the attempted assassination of Queen Doobly Wyatt...

...joining a terrorist organization...
...harboring terrorists...
...harboring known fugitives...
...inciting genocide...
...releasing dangerous animals, protoanimals, demianimals, robotic animals, and mock-animals into populated areas...

...arms dealing...
...lungs dealing...
...theft...
...piracy...
...arson...

...assault with a cardboard tube...
...assault with a lichen-encrusted frying pan...
...assault with intent to maim...
...smuggling drugs, weapons, and people...

...aiding illegals in border crossings...
...sulking in a non-sulking zone...
...exploding a treasured sculpture...
...impersonating a metal ostrich in order to evade prosecution...
...impersonating a vampire in order to evade prosecution...
...impersonating a human to evade prosecution...

...breaking the laws of physics...
...breaking the laws of fashion...
...destroying thirty seven ninths of a solar system with a large, ravenous space dragon...
...two counts of destroying the universe...
...five counts of raising an army of undead veggies...

...grave desecration...
...grave robbery...
...eating ice cream on a Sunday on public property...
...practicing witchcraft on the persons of the vampire Athyria, the Dark Lord Kaimer, and the goddess Bastet...
...impersonating a god...
...dying while impersonating a god...

...dying repeatedly, exceeding acceptable odor parameters...
...failure to clean up the rotting emu carcasses lying around her Elfwood pages, presenting a safety hazard...
...keeping a giant, stinking, winged walrus in her foyer without registering it...
...harboring a red, snake-like cat with a main hobby consisting of unhinging its jaw and swallowing people as well as various inanimate objects...
...harboring a metal-eating, evil cat with fangs of menace and doom...

...running away and allowing said cats to take over her library page...
...also allowing her pages to be occupied by life-sucking shadow-dragons while still containing living individuals...
...kidnapping herself and going missing for months at a time...
...becoming addicted to an online videogame and disappearing for months at a time...
...playing online videogames for consecutive lengths of time exceeding acceptable parameters...
...playing a online videogames under known, traceable aliases...

...hosting the Elfwood Awards and then wandering off prior to their completion...
...several counts of raising an angry mob and then wandering off...
...attempting to become top commenter through deception and subterfuge...
...attempting to correct Uncyclopedia for grammar and spelling...

...laundering money and plants without a permit...
...shapeshifting without a permit...
...spamming without a permit...
...three counts of declaring herself dead without a permit...
...declaring herself undead without a permit...
...reincarnating herself and others without a permit...

...the creation of weapons of mass destruction...
...the possession of weapons of mass destruction...
...the possession of weapons of mouse destruction...
...the possession of weapons of moose destruction...

...attempting to catalyze the resumption of an apocalyptic war years after its cession...
...waging war against innocent civilians...
...waging war against not so innocent civilians...
...crimes against humanity, elvenity, angelity, and musenity...
...two counts of storing ten million dead Hitlers in a government warehouse...
...using said ten million dead Hitlers as an offensive weapon...

...conspiring to cook and/or maim the nice little gnome with the mailbox...
...cooking, maiming, and generally denigrating the ad fairy...
...conspiring to feed garlic to a vampire...
...conspiring to overthrow the establishment...
...conspiracy theorizing that the world's governments are comprised of midgets in disguise...
...conspiring to paint an interstate highway bright orange and/or pink and then flamingo and lawn gnome it...

...harassing the Elfwood moderators...
...impersonating an Elfwood moderator...
...procuring a Moderator's Choice award on the exact anniversary of getting kicked out of Elfwood for harassing the moderators...
...attempting to bribe an Elfwood moderator...
...bribing an Elfwood moderator...

...two counts of joining Elfwood under a false name...
...three counts of the usage of illegal characters in a name...
...retaining six Elfwood accounts under the same name...
...plotting to destroy Elfwood...
...flinging the corpse of the nice little gnome with the mailbox at the Elfwood management with a trebuchet...

...the use of falsified identification for the purchase of poisonous substances...
...the use of falsified identification for the procurement of more falsified identification...
...the use of a large, green dragon of an endangered species as a mattress...
...enforcing the colors green, orange, and blue on people's pages in the middle of the night...
...painting a squirrel blue when nobody was looking...
...summoning more than the maximum allowable number of avatars per person...

...improper and excessive use of explosives...
...improper use of airplane glue...
...improper use of a gron...
...seemingly stochastic acts of desolation...
...blatantly stochastic acts of desolation...

...idea theft on a grand and not so grand scale...

...and being an exceptionally lazy bum.



Subject is wanted for questioning regarding several instances of having gone back in time and screwing up the timeline.
Subject is also wanted for questioning regarding a tremendous yak which has been wandering aimlessly and terrorizing people...

Reward offered for the capture of or for information leading to the apprehension of the subject.
Subject is to be considered armed and dangerous. Use extreme caution in approaching or tracking, as she is reputed to command powerful magic, as well as an army of fanged peas.