"Gilbert Ch 3 - Dizzy Dwarves" by Randall Owen Salau

It was mid-morning in Bruggleton, a small hamlet nestled in a valley near the main road.  The townsfolk were uneasy, as rumours spread of recent dragon attacks in the surrounding district.  Only twenty minutes ago, the alarm bell had rang out a dragon warning, the first time in over 10 years.  It had turned out to be a false alarm, but the locals were edgy and many stayed indoors.

Bruggleton served as the central point for the local farming community, as well as being a wayside stop for travellers on the main road.  Unusually, it also supported a small population of dwarves, who’d shunned the deep caves of their kin and found village life more to their liking.

“Did ye hear about what happened to old Foster?”, said Coody to Bill, as he took a nervous glance skywards.  Both were local farmers, who had gathered on the veranda outside the Bruggleton Inn for a quick chat and a pint of ale before lunch.

“No, what happened?”, Bill replied.

“Well, it’s like this”, said Coody.  “You know old Foster, who runs the brewery down the road.  He reckons a dragon’s been stealing his ale!  Fifty barrels gone in the last week, he says.  But I says to him ‘I think it’s you that’s bin stealing it, and drinking it yourself.  And that dragon is nothin but yer imagination.’.  What would a dragon want with ale anyway?  What’s he gonna do, drink it?” And they all burst out laughing, even the small group of dwarves at the next table.

“And then there’s farmer Maddock”, added another.  “He said a dragon set fire to his crop last month.  I think he set fire to it himself.  That crop of his, well it ain’t turnips and it ain’t potatoes or corn.  I mean, it’s all green but you can’t eat it.  It’s just tall weeds.  I reckon he’s gone and planted the wrong seed and won’t admit it.  I saw he’d pulled some out the other day and it was spread out on the ground as if ready to get taken away, but I reckon he got fed up with that and decided to try to burn the rest.”

They all glanced towards the heavens again, but the sky was clear.  The dwarves at the next table finished their ale and prepared to depart.  A young dwarf smiled happily as he played on the bare ground outside.  A slight breeze picked up and the dust began to stir.

* * *

Lucinder and Drakken soared high above the clouds, well out of arrow shot of any creature below brave enough to take aim.  They headed West for a few minutes, then parted. 

“See you back at Gilbert’s cave!”, Drakken called out to his sister, as she sped off into the distance.  He turned Southward and began to descend.

He dived right down to ground level and sped through the winding valley, dodging trees and hillocks with swift twists and turns.  He was a masterful flier, just like his father.  “Ouch!” he roared, as he missed spotting a tree until it was too late, and plowed straight through it.  “Owww!”, he roared again, as he crashed through a bush.  Mushn’t fly so low, musht be careful! he said to himself, as the ale he’d consumed began to slow his reflexes.

Soon he neared his destination and began to climb.  His keen eyes surveyed the landscape below, as he carefully positioned himself between the sun and his target.  Now instinct had taken over, and he was Drakken, the great hunter.  He stopped beating his great wings and began to glide silently, so as not to betray his presence.  He located a column of rising air, and circled in the warm current, gaining height and patiently waiting for the right moment.  Suddenly, he tucked in his wings and started to dive.  Faster and faster he went, until he was speeding towards the earth like a great missile.  Nobody saw or heard him coming.

* * *

Gilbert sprawled out on the floor and rolled over on his back.  He breathed a heavy sigh. 

“Having a good time?”, enquired Dingbat.

“Sure thing”, replied Gilbert.  “Thanks for coming over, guys”.

Schnorkel just lay in the corner, giggling to himself.  “Ale is good, bring me more, twenty barrels to my door”, he started to sing, and soon Dingbat and Gilbert joined in.  They were just making up the words for another verse, when suddenly they all stopped.  “Shhh!  What was that?”  They all went quiet and listended intently.  Sure enough, in the distance and coming this way, they could hear the unmistakable beat of dragon wings.

“It’s Drakken and Lucy!”, called out Dingbat excitedly.  “They’re back!”

“Hang on”, said Gilbert, “There’s three of them. And what’s that awful noise?”

Sure enough, a few moments later, one, two, then three dragons alighted in the entrance - Drakken, Lucinder, and a spotty young dragoness who they guessed was one of Lucinder’s friends.  But what really caught their attention was the source of the horrible racket.

“Ai Ai!” it wailed.  “Ai Ai Ai!”.

“Oh, shutup!”, said Drakken, “I told you before, we’re not going to eat you.”

A small, terrified Dwarf looked up at six pairs of huge, reptilian eyes, all staring at him.  “Ai Ai!”, it wailed again.

“What are you going to do with him?”, asked Schnorkel, completely bewildered as to why anyone would want to bring a live dwarf to a hatchday party.  “You haven’t even cooked him!”.

This started the dwarf wailing again.  “Ai Ai Ai!”.

“Shutup, both of you!”, yelled Drakken. “We promise we won’t eat you, and we won’t cook you either”, he said to the quivering dwarf.  “Just do as I say and everything will be ok.  Now, give me your spear”.

The spear dropped to the floor with a tiny clang. Drakken quickly picked it up and banged it on top of the dwarf’s head. 

“Ai Ai!” wailed the dwarf again.

“Hey, stop that noise, I didn’t hurt you!”, said Drakken, as he stepped back to admire his handiwork.  The dwarf stood motionless, with his spear stuck in the top of his helmet, pointing directly upward like a miniature flag pole.  “Now, gather around in a circle, all of you.  We are going to play ... Spin the Dwarf!

They quickly formed a circle, and Drakken stepped into the middle.  He lay the dwarf gently on his back, and gave him a quick flick with his claw. “Ai Ai Ai!” screamed the dwarf, as he spun around so fast he was just a blur.  Eventually the dwarf stopped spinning, and ended up pointing directly at Lucinder’s friend.

“Ok, Bertie”, he started to say.

“It’s Gertie”, said Lucinder, correcting him with a scowl, “or Gertrude if you can’t pronounce ...”.

“Sorry!  Gertie.  You have to ...”

“She know’s how to play it”, interrupted Lucinder again. “Why do you think she agreed to come?”

“So she could kiss a handsome dragon like me!”, said Schnorkel, and they all laughed, except Lucinder, who looked like she wanted to vomit.  Gertrude grimaced, but managed to hide it behind a weak smile.

Drakken spun the dwarf again, and Gertrude squealed in horror as it came to rest pointing directly at Schnorkel.

They all watched as Schnorkel sidled up to Gertrude, closed his eyes, and puckered his lips expectantly.  Gertrude hesitated for a moment, then gave him a quick peck on the cheek. 

“Hey, is that all?”, protested Schnorkel. “I’ve been robbed!”

“The rules only say she has to kiss you”, said Lucinder, “not how”.

“Or where”, Drakken added cheekily. 

Lucinder glared at him with a look that could kill.

“Ok, next couple”, said Drakken, as he spun the dizzy dwarf again.  This time it pointed to Lucinder, followed by Gilbert.

Gilbert’s heart missed a beat.  He had never actually kissed a dragoness before, and was sure his mates would be able to tell.  Certainly Lucy would know, and she would tell Drakken, and ... Besides, Lucy was the last dragoness in this world that he would dream of locking lips with.  “No, I think it was pointing at Dingbat, not me”, he lied.  Dingbat grinned and jumped up quickly, but Drakken motioned him to stay put. 

“No, definitely you, Gilbert”, said Drakken.

Gilbert reluctantly stood up and shyly made his way over towards Lucinder.  She too moved forward, and they met in the middle of the circle.

“It’ll all be over in a second”, thought Gilbert hopefully.  He closed his eyes, puckered up, and waited.  Suddenly he felt her warm, moist lips lock onto his, and then an unexpected shock as a slippery forked tongue slide down his throat.  After what seemed like an eternity, they finally came up for air, and everyone around them applauded.

“Wow!”, said Lucinder.

“How was it?”, enquired Schnorkel.

“Horrible!” lied Gilbert.  He glanced towards Lucinder, but she quickly turned her head away.  “I mean, it was ok, I suppose.  She was quite good, actually”. 

“I’ve had enough, I want to go home”, said Lucinder.  “Come on Gertie”, and with that they both took off and flew away.

“What did I say?”, asked Gilbert, completely bewildered.  “I said she was ok, didn’t I?”

“Never mind, buddy”, said Drakken.  “Girls, who needs them?  We can have fun without them”.  He picked up the dwarf and plucked the spear from his helmet.  “Ok, off you go home now.  I’ll give you a ride if you like.”  But the dwarf didn’t wait around.  In a flash, his tiny legs started pumping and he shot off into the woods like a startled rabbit.

“Ok, what’s next?”, queried Gilbert.

“I’ve an idea”, said Schnorkel. “Let’s go visit Farmer Maddock!”