"Lost Hero" by Alex P. R. Cline

by the way, I am a writer too. I just forgot to lock in. I would be happy if you check my stuff out, too!

Hi!

First of all it is a cool story! But i had a few difficulties to read it. There are some rhymes in it and that is a bit strange to read when the poem isn't written in rhymes, do you know what i mean? The last to lines though are perfect that way. By rhyming it you put more weight in it!

Good job!

Alex P. R. Cline replies: "Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't usually write poems but I don't mind if parts don't rhyme even though it would be better. Thanks for the comment and I'll be visiting your page! ^-^"

I've never gotten the courage up to try a poem. I don't know enough about them to pull it off or to offer advice.

Alex P. R. Cline replies: "I don't know much about poems either, I qrote this one because that's what we're doing in French class."

There's no rule that says poems have to rhyme. It's a good story with a good theme. Heros are human, too.

Alex P. R. Cline replies: "Thank you I'm glad you like it. This poem is acctually about someone in my main story (The legends of Lorich). I'm not saying who it is but one I get it going you'll figure it out. But don't juge too quickly!"

Feel free to wince now, for I do write some poetry, and I will give you some constructive criticism.

Now now, don't worry! I liked the poem as a whole - it's not too bad for a first try. The story's appropriately tragic, though I think at times it got a little too "poetic" by using metaphors in place of explanation, and this tends to throw a reader off and confuse them. For example, was he literally demon-possessed, or is it just a metaphor for hate? If you'd focused the story around that interaction it might be okay to leave the question open, but since it's connected to the slaying of his wife and brother (I think that's what he did, right?) you should be a little clearer. Use metaphors, by all means, but in conjunction with explanation.

You also had some punctuation and grammatical errors that make it a rather unsmooth read, but I won't pick on them specifically.

As for the rhythm and rhyme, of course not every poem needs both of them, but I DO think every poem needs at least one to be consistent. Especially rhythm, there should ALWAYS be a specific rhythm to each and every line, even if it's different from previous stanzas. For example, I hope you don't mind me rewriting the first stanza, roughly:

"As the last sand of the hourglass fell,
He, of his life's last misery, thought.
Perhaps he was sad? Or maybe relieved?
It's too hard to tell, of a hero that fell.
He smiled as he thought of the life he'd fought.
Soon he'd be free, he believed."

See what I mean? It doesn't have to be just like that, but rhythm DOES give a poem more footing. Free verse rarely manages to wax lyrical and epic, which is kind of what this poem sounds like it's trying to be. So that's what my main suggestion is. That, and keeping the rhyme consistent, since you do attempt it occasionally but don't follow through.

Anyway, good work, and I'll certainly look at your other stuff! Keep at it.