"After Happily Ever After: A Play in One Act" by Shelby K. Irons

Narrator: (Holds a large book with the word "FAIRY TALE" on the cover) And so, the Prince and the Princess rode off into the sunset. About twenty miles down the road, their gallant horse threw a shoe.

The Prince: Whhhooa Horsey! Stop! (The Prince reigns the limping steed in from a gallop and slides clumsily from the saddle. He retrieves the shoe.)

The Princess: How long is this going to take, darling? (She watches as the Prince tries to jam the shoe back on the hoof with his dagger.)

The Prince: Could you hold him steady?

The Princess: You only had to ask.

The Prince: Well, I'm asking now, aren't I dear? Thank you...

Narrator: (Reads from the book.) The would-be smithy Prince, who hadn't done a day's work in his life and had no idea how to shoe himself, let alone his horse, struggled manfully with the obstinate lump of metal.

The Princess: Would you like me to try?

Narrator: The Prince laughed: annoyingly, male-chauvinistically, sarcastically, bitingly, dramatically, irritatingly and mockingly --- like that guy at the garage when you ask him if something is wrong with your car. (The Prince makes an attempt to laugh as the Narrator describes. He doesn't do a very good job and ends his laughter in a fit of coughing.)

The Princess: As I said, would you like me to try?

The Prince: I don't think so, precious. I've got this under control.

The Princess: You have to bend the nail thingy over.

The Prince: Oh, really? I never knew that. And here's me trying to straighten it so that the shoe slides off. BLAST IT ALL! OUCH!

The Princess: What have you done?

The Prince: Nothing!

The Princess: Where's all that blood coming from? You haven't cut his foot?

The Prince: No, I haven't cut his damn foot! I've just sliced the top of my thumb off that's all. Nothing to worry about! (He looks around for something to staunch the bleeding.)

The Princess: How on earth did you do that?"

The Prince: If I knew that, I would not have done it, would I? I mean, one would not willingly execute an act, the outcome of which one knew to be prejudicial to one's health, would one...dear?"

The Princess: Your pupils are dilating!

The Prince: (He feels his forehead.) Good grief...I think I'm going to pass outsweetheart, I feel fain--- (He faints.)

(Stage fades to black. Give the actors several moments to shift positions. When all is ready, the lights go up again.)

Narrator: When he awoke, His Royal Highness, the Crown Prince, Former Frog, of the Kingdom of Fairytale Land, became vaguely aware of a swaying motion, not unlike that of being afloat in a small boat on the high seas. As he awoke, he found that he was secured like a sack of potatoes on the back of his own steed.

The Prince: (The Prince is lying face down over the front of the horse.) What in the name of Snow White's knickers happened!?!?

The Princess: Shhhhh. Hush, darling.

The Prince: Its...its all coming back to me! The horse sprang a shoe and I stabbed my thumb, trying to repair the bally thing-- do you mean to tell me you fixed the shoe, bandaged my thumb, and secured me on me own horse?

The Princess: Guilty!

The Prince: But, my dear, that's...that's wonderful! N-now, untie me and let me take over!

The Princess: (She giggles.) Oh, you are funny!

The Prince: Just untie me, oh blossom of my heart...NOW!

Narrator: The Princess formed her cupid's bow lips into the perfect shape for saying "yes" and then said "no".

The Princess: NO!

The Prince: Why not? You are my Princess! You must do as I say woman!

The Princess: Wrong! I am a witch! (The actress tosses off her "Princess" disguise to reveal her "witchiness." The director may handle this change at their discretion, but there must be a dramatic change from the Princess to the Witch. She produces a dagger from up her sleeve and cuts the Prince off the horse, tossing him to the ground.) You see, I swapped places with your bride-to-be on the eve of her wedding and sent her to the woods, where I instructed the woodcutter to chop her up into trillions of tiny little pieces and scatter her all over the forest for the little birdies to eat! Then I was going to kidnap you and turn you into a statue! (She cackles hideously.) Aren't I a bad, BAD girl?

The Prince: (He bursts out laughing.) I'm not the Prince!

The Witch: Not the Prince! Not the Prince? Then who in Hades are you?

The Prince: The...er, woodcutter, ma'am. I be Jack the Chopper, to me friends. Beggin' yer pardon.

The Witch: Please, do not tell me, whatever you do, that I have been duped...

Jack: I think you'd best turn me into a frog now, ma'am, because---

The Witch: (She interrupts him.) No, no! Don't say it! The Prince got wind of my plan and persuaded you, Jack, a simpleton woodsman, to change places with the aforementioned Prince?

Jack: Ya got it in one.

The Witch: He made you take elocution lessons and gave you a crash course in court etiquette, so that you might pass yourself off as a member of the royal family?

Jack: Well, we didn't do much court eterket, but...yes, that's about the long and the short of it, ma'am.

The Witch: And I suppose they are honeymooning in your rustic little shed in the wood and laughing their silly faces off?

Jack: Can I be a rabbit? I've always fancied being a rabbit!

The Witch: Why?

Jack: Better than being a frog. I might get kissed and then I'd be a prince all over again!

The Witch: Oh, fine! Very well! Jigger-jagger, wicky-woo, make this wretch a rabbit true! (Lights go black suddenly. Optional for the Witch to have some kind of colored "puff" of smoke or light to make the transformation more dramatic. The actor playing Jack puts on bunny ears during the black out and any other quick props to make the necessary change. The lights come back on.)

The Narrator: The woodsman, formerly known as Prince, scampered away into the forest. (Jack, as the rabbit, hops off stage.) The witch, now alone, rode on disconsolately.

The Witch: (Clicks her tongue.) Giddy-up, Neddy!

Inspector Yard: Er, I'm not actually a horse. And I certainly am NOT named Neddy!"

The Witch: (Brings the horse to a halt.) Who in Hades are you then?

Inspector Yard: Inspector Yard, Fairytale Land Special Branch. And this is Sergeant Rump.

Sergeant Rump: (A hand pokes out of the rear of the horse and waves.) Evening, ma'am.

The Witch: (She jumps off the "horse" alarmed and the two actors playing Yard and Rump toss off their horse disguise.) So where's Neddy?

Inspector Yard: No need to get hysterical. Neddy is in safe custody at the Station's stables.

The Witch: Well I demand an explanation! Impersonating a witch's horse is a serious offense in the Enchanted Woods!

Sergeant Rump: Desperate times call for desperate measures, ma'am. We were prepared to take the heat for switching places with your horse, Miss Witch, but we had a criminal to track down

The Witch: Criminal? What criminal? I meansome of the things I do aren't exactly legal, but um.I'm a witch and I have a valid license to practice the dark arts so....so I don't know what you're talking about!

Inspector Yard: Actually, we were on the trail of a certain Jack the Chopper ma'am, also known as Jack of the Beanstalk. You know, the Jack who chopped down the beanstalk as the Giant was climbing down after him. The same Jack you just turned into a rabbit. Ma'am."

The Witch: Cripes! I married a felon!

Sergeant Rump: At least he isnt a frog.

The Witch: No, he's just a rabbit! I'm MRS. BUNNY RABBIT! (Wails.)

The Narrator: (Clears throat loudly and flips through the book.) Technically, your marriage is null and void. Impersonating royalty at a wedding violates Fairy-tale code 032-81.

Inspector Yard: I thought code 032-81 was the illegal consumption of a Red Riding Hood's grandmother!

The Narrator: No, no. That's 038-21. I used to get that one wrong all the time too.

Inspector & Rump: Ohhhhh......

The Witch: Excuse me, could we get back to me and my non-marriage please?

The Narrator: Right! Right! Carry on!

Inspector Yard: As we see it Miss Witch, you were very lucky to escape Jack's wrath. We've been hunting him down since he stole Old King Cole's pipe and bowl. He even kidnapped the fiddler's three!

The Witch: Old King Cole?

Sergeant Rump: The Merry Old Soul.

The Narrator: Very old was he.

The Witch: That Old King Cole?

Inspector Yard: YES! THAT OLD KING COLE!

The Witch: (She shrugs.) Never heard of him.

Sergeant Rump: The point is ma'am, you were an unwitting accomplice to one of the most diabolical criminals in Fairytale Land's history.

Inspector Yard: He's a rogue and cunning as a fox! Or umm....I guess, as cunning as a rabbit now...but criminals can't hide from Inspector Yard, no matter what form they are in!

The Witch: He seemed pretty harmless to me. In fact, I'd say he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic if you know what I'm saying. (She laughs at her own joke and snorts. The Narrator, Inspector, and Rump look at her oddly and then shrug.)

Sergeant Rump: You were tricked ma'am! Fooled by his humble exterior and that peasant accent of his. Its just one of his many guises.

Inspector Yard: (Hands her a card from his pocket.) If you come across a rabbit matching his description, poof yourself to this address and report it immediately.

Sergeant Rump: And for goodness sakes, the next time you hatch an evil plot to overthrow the Fairytale monarchy, at least make sure you know the true identity of the people involved in the aforementioned plot! Geesh!

The Witch: Right. Will do. Thanks. (Inspector Yard and Sergeant Rump gather up the remains of their horse costume.) Wait! What about my horse? Where's my Neddy? You two owe me a ride home!

Inspector Yard: A ride home? Lady, your bibbidy-bobbidy-boo act just put us back two months of surveillance. You've got legs. I suggest you walk.

The Witch: (Stamps her foot.) Oh the nerve!

The Narrator: (Clears throat) Actually, witches don't bibbidy-bobbidy-boo. They hocus-pocus. Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo is for fairy godmothers.

Inspector Yard: (Draws a sword.) Cut the commentary, bookworm!

The Narrator: (Huffs.) Well, I was just saying!

Sergeant Rump: In any case, Neddy can be collected at Fairytale Land Station 5 during business hours which are 8 AM to 8PM. (Looks at his watch.) If you hurry, you can get there just in time, ma'am.

The Witch: What time is it?

Sergeant Rump: Seven fifty-nine! (He and Inspector Yard laugh.)

The Witch: (She screeches.) That's IT! You think I'm so funny huh? Jigger-jagger, wicky-woo, make these jerks two rabbits true! (She waves her hands dramatically and the lights go black again. Same as before. Actors put on rabbit ears. Optional "puff" of smoke or light from the witch's hand for effect. Lights come back on after a moment. Inspector Yard and Sergeant Rump are both turned into rabbits. They hop around a bit and then bounce offstage. She skips over to the Narrator and gives him/her a high five.)

Narrator: And so the witch was truly left alone in the middle of the Enchanted Forest, without a horse, without company...well, except me, but I don't count...when suddenly, a man walked out of the darkness. (Jack walks back on stage but is wearing dark jeans, a white shirt, a leather jacket, sunglasses, and has his hair greased back like a "tough" guy. He casually whips out a comb from his pocket and slicks back his hair and preens himself for a minute.) And after he made himself presentable in a sickening display of machismo, he accosted the witch on the road. (Jack tip toes behind the witch and covers her eyes with his hands.)

Jack: Hey baby, guess who?

The Witch: Umm...I don't know, my knight in shining armor?

Jack: Nah, I had to beat that punk up in grade school. Guess again.

The Witch: Uhh...The Muffin Man!

Jack: The Muffin Man?

Narrator: The Muffin Man?

The Witch: Yes, you know, the Muffin Man?

Narrator: Who lives on Drury Lane?

Jack: (Drops his hands from her eyes and spins her around to face him.) NO! I aint no Muffin Man! And how do you know where this guy lives? <B>The Witch:</B> Honey baby, it was a joke. I don't know a Muffin Man or where he lives. Uhh...he's the Narrator's room-mate. (<I>If the narrator is a female, the witch can say "Uhh...he's the Narrator's boyfriend.."</I>) Right Narrator? <P><B>Narrator:</B> Sure. <P><B>Jack:</B> Alright then. So, you get rid of those guys like we planned? <P><B>The Witch:</B> Of course! No more cops following my darling Jack around. <P><B>Jack:</B> Man, being a rabbit is hard. Always craving carrots and wanting to eat grass! Blech! I'm glad your spell wore off quickly. You sure they will stay transformed for good? <P><B>The Witch:</B> They'll be cute little bunnies forever. Maybe they'll get recruited by the Easter Bunny! (<I>They laugh and he sweeps her up into a hug.</I>) <P><B>Jack:</B> I love it when you're all evil and stuff. It gives me chills. <P><B>The Witch:</B> And I love you loving me! <P><B>Jack:</B> So babe, you ready to go crash that royal party they're havin' at the palace for the real Prince and Princess? <P><B>The Witch:</B> Together? <P><B>Jack:</B> (<I>He kisses her.</I>) Together. <P><B>The Witch:</B> Mmm...then let's go! (<I>She slips her hand in his and they wander off stage happily.</I>) <P><B>Narrator:</B> So the witch and her criminal...no, no, that doesn't sound right. Umm...so the felon and his accomplice...er...no. How about, so the girl and the boy skipped off merrily into the night after evading capture by the Fairytale Land police...hmmm....somehow that sounds worse! Well in any case, Jack and his Witch crashed many-a-royal party together, never got arrested, and lived...(<I>Pauses like looking for a word.</I>)...mischievously ever after. The End. (<I>Closes the the book and exits.</I>)