"Evening, for Ella (poem)" by Kate "Silverfish" Jennings

At some points there is puncuation and some points there is nill. Although I know it's hard with inline poetry like that, I personally feel that it's important to really make a concious choice about puncuation. It can either serve to lead the reader into pausing and moving on exactly as you command, or your peice can be shackled by it, killing the flow and emotion. Do you really need that peorid or can you do without it?

For some reason the idea that there is more than one mercury really got under my skin. Here I had an idea of the God on my mind and then I am left wondering what his little clones must look like. Perhaps it's perferct, but you might want to put some thought into the flow of that opening line, perhaps making it singular.

Kate "Silverfish" Jennings replies: "I'll go over it and clean up that punctuation - maybe take all out except that dash at the end, where I want a definite break?
Evening is actually a "mercenary" i.e. serving for gain. Although the idea of lots of little greek gods running around is intriguing. Strains of Pratchett's "on a mission from Glod"."

Oh my. I suffer from bad spelling as well(I know I dont need to tell you that, but everyone else reading the comment might not know), and that can really mess up a peice. It's so much more lovly with evening as a mercenary rather than a mercury.

Wow thats all i can think of i now if i think a little harder i'll find a better word

Kate "Silverfish" Jennings replies: "I'm so glad you like this one! Everytime I come back to it I still enjoy it. Btw, extra credit if you can guess the individuals in the "dedication"."