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Jayne Leonard

"The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part Two" by Jayne Leonard

SF&F Picture 4 out of 6 by Jayne Leonard
 
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After recieving so many helpful comments on my original piece I decided to re-write my first chapter. After taking everyone's advice on board it has made a massive difference. I'm very happy with it and i hope you all are too. Please, if you take the time to read my work take the time to comment too. All comments really are taken on board and do help. (Oh! And this really isn't long enough to warrent being spread over four pages but i understand that a long piece is daunting and difficult to read on a computer so i hope it helps! =P )
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Leienagh could feel their hatred. So intense was it that it threatened to draw her in again. No! Her eyes were wide with fear as she looked up to her father and finally realised that she had scratched his face all over. Bits of blood and skin lay under her fingernails. She tried to touch her own face but quickly withdrew her hands as her scratches gave her an eye watering sting. A lump began to grow in her throat which threatened her ability to speak. Her bottom lip trembled as her hands started shaking. “I’m so sorry Daddy. I didn’t mean to… I don’t know why…”

“Shhh, little one. I know you did not mean to. It is not your fault,” but that did not stop her hanging her head and starring at her hands ashamed.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

“Come now little one!” He grabbed her wrist and dragged her behind him. “You must hide. Quick in the cupboard.”

Thud! Thud! Thud!

He opened up the heavy wooden door and pushed her inside. “Stay here my sweet,” he stroked a hand down her face and caressed her chin. He lifted her head up as he planted a kiss on her forehead. His eyes studied every detail of her face as if seeing her for the first time. “Do not worry little one. All will be well soon.” Every time he tried to shut the heavy door and walk away she reached out and desperately clung onto his clothes. Even though he knew it hurt her fingers he pulled her hands away, and every time she would quickly grab him again desperately trying to keep him near.

“Daddy no!” Her body shuddered with deep sobs; her face screwed up with fear. “I’m scared.”

Thud! Thud! Thud!

“I know you are Leienagh. So am I my darling, so am I.” A tear threatened to fall. “You must be brave for me. I will not let anything happen to you little one.” He let his eyes meet hers for a moment before he abruptly shut the door in her face.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

Leienagh pounded and howled on the inside of the door.

Thud! Thud! Thud!

The hammering on the door continued but now it sounded like many shoulders were relentlessly trying to get in. The door heaved with every crash until it heaved it’s very last, sending splinters in all directions. Leienagh froze. She slowly placed a hand on the handle, which, in her earlier panic had escaped her attention. Turning it gently she opened the door ajar, without blinking or breathing. Three men staggered into the room, obviously mid run at the door, and stopped dead when they saw Leienagh’s father. Leienagh vaguely recognised them from around the village but she could not remember from where exactly. Then other people from all over the village all started piling into the room, pushing and shoving each other, until no more could fit. None stood near her father. There was shuffling outside the window as many people tried to look in at once. ‘What are they all looking at?’ The villagers, people of whom she had grown up with and people her father had treated when brought to him ill, all came armed with weapons of all descriptions.

Only one man did not have to shout to get into the room. For only one man did everybody move. He stood in front of Leienagh’s father, eye balling him, his lips drawn back in a silent toothy snarl. He was a muscular weathered man who wore typical blacksmith’s clothes which consisted of: all black boots, trousers, a short sleeved top and a brown leather apron. All this was accompanied by a small black whip which rested, curled on his hip. The lower half of his face was covered in a forest of black and grey which was almost a mirror image of his hair. He chewed on tobacco with his mouth open never taking his eyes off of Leienagh’s father until finally he spat at his feet.

“So ’ere’s where you’ve been hidin’ then Theodore. Tell me, when were you plannin’ on tellin’ us you’re a filthy Fagelio?” Theodore did not answer. The weathered man slowly walked up to Theodore until their noses were nearly touching. The rest of the villagers all leaned forward, their mouths gaping. Every pair of eyes was fixed on the scene before them. “How dare you come to my village an’ pretend to be a Healer!” growled the blacksmith through decayed teeth. The villagers shifted uncomfortably, looking at one another with concerned faces. Murmurs rippled through the crowd.

“Now Grange, you can’t go accusing people without proof. We will not act on the whim of your gut.”

“You wan’ proof?” snarled Grange as he raised his massive blacksmith’s hand back beside his head and brought it crashing down across Theodore’s mouth. Theodore grunted and tried to hide the trickle of liquid that came from the corner of his mouth with a shaky hand. “’Ere’s your proof!” Screeched Grange triumphantly as he held up a fist covered in droplets of shimmering green blood. “Do ya deny me now?” he roared hoarsely. The villagers shifted uneasily, looking from one to another with nervous eyes, silently electing one of their number. A particularly sweaty young man was shoved forward to inspect Grange’s fist. He held Grange’s hand up to get a closer look “Go on!” Said Grange in a low growl. “Tell em’ what you see.”

“I… I can’t tell…” Grange bared his teeth. “I need… more light…” the man wiped the sweat off of his forehead with a shaky hand as someone fetched him a torch.

“No more time wastin’ Lewis! Tell ‘em what you see!” He shook his fist in the sweaty man’s face. The torch shook in the Lewis’s hand as he held it up so get a better look at Grange’s fist. He shook his head while letting out a slow breath and then looked at Theodore.

“It’s true,” Lewis turned to the crowd. “He is a Fagelio.” The crowd gasped. Some took a step back. Some just shook their heads, mouths gaping in disbelief.

Leienagh’s hand was clutched over her heart and her breath came in long dry heaves. ‘Why did he hit Daddy for? What has he done? You’d think they have all got mouths full of sour lemons with those looks on their faces’ thought Leienagh. Even though her father’s face was calm and his breath steady she knew that sensation she was feeling was not her own. But that knowledge did not help her breathe any easier, nor stop her from feeling so terrified that she thought her heart might burst. ‘Calm down Daddy. I’m sure everything will be alright. Please calm down, it hurts.’

“Though, I must admit tha’ it was very clever posin’ as a Healer. You must’ve known nobody in their right mind would’ve let scum like you touch ‘em even if they were dyin’,” sneered Grange. The villager’s all grunted in agreement and took a step closer. More people tried to pile into the hallway, from the entrance door, and into the entertaining room where they were. “An’ now it be time to punish you for ya sins Theodore.” Grange spat tobacco in Theodore’s face. The side of Grange’s mouth curled up into an evil smirk as the stodgy substance slowly made its way down his face, leaving a brown trail behind it. Theodore wiped it off with as much dignity as her could muster and flicked it on the floor. Grange’s eyes wore murderous coats. Grange walked around Theodore, sizing him up the same way a hunter does his prey, until he stood behind him. He put his head over Theodore’s shoulder, his lips almost touched the other man’s ear, and whispered “So where’s your daughter Theodore?”

“She is not here Grange!” The crowd gasped and all took a step backwards at his sudden outburst. Almost like they were scared of what he might do. “You will never find where I’ve sent her and I will never tell you.” He held the blacksmith’s stare.

Leienagh had never heard her father’s voice so strong and commanding. She wanted to push open the door and cling to his leg where she knew she would be safe. ‘Daddy won’t let anyone hurt us.’

“Well now, tha’ don’t sound like she be very far away at all! You just tried to be a bit too convincin’ then Theodore,” he smiled a black smile. “You and you,” he pointed to Lewis and a fat rough-looking bald man who had pictures on his arms. “Go search the house and find Leienagh.” The two men left to room quickly and walked straight past the cupboard Leienagh was hidden in and off toward the bedrooms. ‘Please don’t see me! Please don’t see me!’

“You are wasting you time Grange. She is not here and you will not find her,” his voice was completely controlled this time but his eyebrows crawled together as he strained to keep the urgency out of his voice.

“So you keep sayin’. Gone to stay with relatives maybe?” Grange tilted his head with dangerous inquisitiveness. “More of you are there?” Theodore’s top lip quivered before it drew back slightly but then he quickly remember himself and regained his composure. “Or maybe…” Grange’s eyes sparkled in delight at seeing Theodore so uncomfortable. “… she is in this very room?”

Leienagh’s breath caught in her throat.

“Maybe she’s hidin’ behind tha’ very chair?” He rushed over to the chair by the window Leienagh had sat on and threw it across the room narrowly missing Theodore. “Or maybe behind tha’ bookcase?” He rushed over to the bookcases and pulled them all to the floor. The villagers in the room all edged away from him and the flying books. Some looked as if he had gone mad. No one could fit between a bookcase and the wall after all. Theodore still had not moved from where he stood when the villagers had invaded his home. He still stood firmly in front of the cupboard. His eyes were squinted and his palms sweaty.

Leienagh was still peaking through the narrow gap when a silver shimmering curtain appeared in front of her. It looked like a calm, transparent silver sea that gently lapped at the edges of the cupboard door frame. She slowly reached out to touch the strange phenomena before her and expected her fingertips to be wet when she pulled them away but it felt warm, like the inside of freshly baked bread after it has been left to cool for a minute and as silky as a fine dress. An urge to touch it came over her every time she broke contact. Each time she rested her hand against it she felt calmer and less tense. The more she touched it, the better she felt and the better she felt, the more she needed to touch it. She sat on her knees and pressed both of her hands and her cheek against it. Dimly she could hear what was happened outside of the cupboard but that did not matter anymore because she was too engrossed by this marvellous thing.

The door flew open so violently that it made the heavy cupboard rock on it’s feet. Leienagh panicked and tried frantically to stand up but to no avail. She never took her hands off of her only source of comfort. Grange’s massive frame blocked the doorway, her only way out. His wrinkled face, which usually wore a warm smile for her, looked hard and determined. All his teeth were bared and his beard was more untidy than normal. The smell of decay on his breath and metal on his clothes made her screw up her nose. He moved his hand in front of him, almost like he was moving things out of his way so he could see and after a foul curse he slammed the door shut making the cupboard rock again. The door bounced back open halfway allowing her to see her father’s back. ‘How did the blacksmith not see me? Maybe he’s gone mad!’

The two men who were searching for Leienagh came back into the room. “Did ya find her Pike?”

“Nah, she’s not in any of the other rooms but her stuff’s still ‘ere,” said the fat balding man Leienagh recognised from the fishmongers. “Do you wan’ me to search in ‘ere?”

“Already done it…” Grange said this more to himself then Pike. He was obviously trying to think where Leienagh could be hidden. He played with his beard for a few seconds of deep thought before he turned to his captive. “Well tha’s a shame now ain’t it? We could hav’ rid the world of two of you but one’ll hav’ to do for now.”

Leienagh suddenly realised that she had been holding her breath since Grange came to the cupboard. She started drawing in long, heavy breaths that dried out her throat. She grudgingly tore her hands away from her shimmering comfort and placed them over her mouth and chest to stop herself from couching. Her legs had gone numb from kneeling so she shuffled herself around until she was sitting again. She stretched out her legs in front of her and wiggled her toes to stop the tingling sensation from running up and down them. With her legs in front of her she noticed many droplets on them. After they had been rubbed off with her hand she sniffed it and gasped. She ran a hand down her skirt to find it wet and warm. She wept ashamed.

Many different thoughts and emotions started to swirl around her mind again. Her breath quickened. Her fists clenched. ‘Oh no! No! Not again! Daddy?’ Between sobs she realised that the thoughts and feelings were her own. ‘Why couldn’t Grange see me when he looked in here? Is it because of the silver thing? What do they mean Daddy’s blood is green? Why didn’t I notice it when I… scratched him? Why did I scratch him? Whose were those voices? Those memories? Why could I hear them? How did Daddy know there was no time left? If Daddy’s blood is green then why isn’t mine? What is a Fagelio? Why are they so bad? Why do they all want to hurt my Daddy? What has he done? Has he done anything? Rid the world of two of us? Why do they want to hurt me?’ All these questions raced through her mind making her feel queasy.

All the villagers, both inside the room, and standing outside looking through the window started to get restless. “Come on Grange! Some of us hav’ to be up with the sun tomorrow!” shouted someone in the middle of the milling crowd.

“You’re right there’s no point foolin’ ’round anymore. Draw the curtain,” he nodded to an elderly man who hobbled over to the window using his stick to support him. “Pike! Get everyone one out of ‘ere who don’t need to be ‘ere and lock the door. There’s no point makin’ more people watch this the need be.” He jerked his head in Theodore’s direction.

“All right everyone! You heard the man! If you’re not needed then wait outside!” Everyone but two men turned around and headed out the door. Pike followed and came back minutes later. “All gone and the doors are locked.”

←- The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part One | The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part Three -→

DateNameComment 
4 Dec 2007:-) David Christopher Meredith
The mob scene in particular is much better done. You've added a lot of good detail without hampering the flow of the story, which is good. You have done a better job of moving the story forward with dialog rather than narration, which connects the reader more personally to the character.

There are a few typos and awkward sentences, but by and large this is a much better version of the mob scene than what you had before. It's more believeable and the flow is a whole lot smoother. The more I read however, the more I really am conviced that you should chop this initial flashback up and distribute it throughout the actual "NOW" story. Maybe save the complete explanation of what happened to the girl as a child until the (a) climax, when she finally catches up the the men who did in her father for example, or whereever this story is going. If you peel away her layers one at a time over the course of the book, revealing just a bit more of who she is and how she got that way with each chapter, the reader will come to a deeper more intimate understanding of your character and the final product will be more emotionally impactful.
4 Jan 2008:-) Kelsey Lynn Reed
"...her head and starring at her hands..." change starring to staring

"...with his mouth open never taking his eyes..." comma between 'open' and 'never'

‘Why did he hit Daddy for? " why could be changed to 'what'

"...threw it across the room narrowly missing..." comma between 'room' and 'narrowly'

"...hear what was happened outside of the cupboard..." change 'happened' to 'happening'

"She wept ashamed." comma between 'wept' and 'ashamed'

"Whose were those voices? " this could probably be a bit easier to read if you changed the words around to something like "Whose voices were those?"

"...through her mind making her feel queasy." comma between 'mind' and 'making'

"All the villagers, both inside the room, and standing outside looking through the window started to get restless." the comma between 'room' and 'and' should be moved between 'window' and started'

“You’re right there’s no point foolin’ ’round anymore." comma OR period between 'right' and 'there's'

"...watch this the need be.” change 'the' to 'than' ?

ooooh cliffhanger! I must read more! unlike the other commenters I haven't read this whole thing so on I go ^_^ by the way, I disagree with one of the commenters on the last chapter, 'younglings' and 'seven summers' etc makes the story more interesting to me and gives a bit of personal touch to the story...just the preference of the reader I guess
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About 'The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part Two':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Jayne Leonard
 • Copyright: ©Jayne Leonard. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Fagelio, Torture
 • Categories: Fights, Duels, Battles, Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Romance, Emotion, Love, Royalty, Kings, Princes, Princesses, etc, Vampires, Zombies, Undeads, Dark, Gothic, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 447


More by 'Jayne Leonard':
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The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part Four
The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part Three
The Tales Of Fagelio - Chapter One - Part One

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