| Date | Name | Comment | | | 17 Jan 2008 | Glo 'the Bug' Bowden | Loading...*sighs* How lovely! How sad! --No, sad is not the right word. Melancholy; that’s it. It might be because I’ve been listening to a lot of her beautiful work lately, but I could almost hear the words sung in the wistful voice of Loreena McKennitt. (Yes, I know it’s a man speaking, but that doesn’t seem to stop Celtic artists. For instance, I’ve only once heard ’She Moved Through the Fair’ actually sung by a male.) If I had any sort of skill in writing music, I’d put this to a song, but alas, I know about as much music theory as the half-eaten quiche in front of me. (My choir teacher used to call those of us who only know how to sing, and couldn’t play instruments, "dumb musicians." There’s a lot of irony to that now that I think of it, because a singer could hardly be a mute.) This poem would just be so lovely to sing though. *sighs again* How bittersweet it is. One question, though. Do they really love eachother? They weren’t willing to sacrifice anything for the other... David Michael replies: "It’s an important, but difficult question to ask. In the end, I think he really loved her because in spite of his pain, he at least tried to understand her, to give her the benefit of the doubt. And he’s planning on going back, though whether he finds her or not, I have no idea. It is likely that after he became smitten with her, though, he probably ignored the delicacy of faerie hearts that he mentions later. Did she love him? Probably, I think...at least she thought she really did. Granted, for poetic purposes it’s a whirlwind romance of essentially 2 days, but so was Romeo & Juliet. Anyway, it seems at the beginning that her heart had been broken before, and she may have been ashamed for - as she saw it - letting it get broken again." | |
| 17 Jan 2008 | Glo 'the Bug' Bowden | Loading...Scratch that last statement. It seems he went searching far and wide for her. And he’s about to do that again. But what about the dryad? She doesn’t seem willing to give anything to him, really. So flippant... David Michael replies: "Perhaps she gave her heart away too soon. But I did try to justify her a little bit with the stanza about the delicacy of a fay’s love." | |
| 29 Jun 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading..."flowing like honey, as the North Wind cold." what does this mean? does the cold north wind flow with honey? The comma is supposed to separate two separate metaphors. The voice flows like honey, but is cold as the North Wind."Whirling like a jeweled flame" pretty... both the pyromaniac and the magpie in me loves this line. "In silence the daystar, awash with wine," why awash with wine? Super-elaborate imagery for a sunrise, the colors of which have always reminded me of wine, both red and "white.""peaked over the mountains, but alone I remained." this one doesn’t read right rhythmically to me. *twitches at unintentional alliteration* *smile* Aye, that’s the intention. It’s almost right, but not quite."but never she came in the gloaming or light." gloaming is such a wonderful word! God bless Mr. Tolkien, who taught it to me!"for her nuzzling nose and silken red sigh." *quirks and eyebrow* hmm, some dance. ^_~ She’s much bolder than he in this regard."I searched for the dance, for the rhythm of her love," tripped me up, but that was a good choice, probably a good turning point for the rhythm of the poem given the import of the line. "and bat their eyes at men like me" *can’t help but laugh at that line* so at which what kind of men do they not bat their eyes? Good point, haha, although Laston’s nemesis (Chief of the Raven Clan) is probably one they wouldn’t."Joy without her seemed a faint-heart betrayal." I somewhat get what the import of this is intended to be... I think, but I am not quite certain. Well...maybe I won’t explain, then. *grin* If you really don’t get it, ask again, but sometimes it’s good to let readers figure things out for themselves."Shining above was the pearl white moon" *laughs* don’t let the madman know about that. ^_~ Yeah, haha, that was a somewhat unintentional repeat of imagery. Although pearl whiteness is a good sign in both cases!"and cursed what lay in my cartographer’s bag." mouthful, that, even as I read in my mind. David Michael replies: "Yeah, that’s definitely one of the weaker parts in my mind, also. Been awhile since I’ve looked at this poem in depth, and any revision will probably address the whole "cartographer" issue, both plot-wise and rhythm-wise. I keep saying this poem isn’t perfect, but some people just won’t listen! " | |
| 29 Jun 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading..."to map all of Faery for five years straight," a few questions arise instantly from this, though it may just be the way my suspicious little mind works... why map the land of Faery? ...is it not possible that in giving his King such a map he is betraying the dryad more than he knows? to what purpose would his king put such a thing? why would he want it? Ah, now you are thinking well indeed. I can’t quite answer that yet, both because of what I know and what I don’t know. A future revision will probably address that issue a little more clearly."See, no magic fay could ever that long hold passion back, lest she be consumed. When, dancing, a fay finds love’s first delight, her heart takes flight to such a grand height that if it cannot alight on her lover forthright, she must swiftly find another!" interesting stanza, as it tells something of your fey folk, and indeed it does sound fey-like. It makes it more obvious that she is not human. It did make me less sympathetic to her though, especially coming after "They welled with the hurt of so many loves gone" which made me think that others had promised to return and then did not... that gave me sympathy for her, whereas the following stanza weakened that sympathy, making her seem not only more fickle, but more alien as well. it depends on what you are going for here. I think the poem might be emotionally stronger without this stanza, but maybe that’s just me. Interesting; this stanza was included to give more sympathy for the fay, for otherwise it sounds as if her love was rather shallow and unable to wait. Without it, would you have blamed her more, or sympathized with her more? The stanza does imply that romantic love is almost a biological necessity for fay...but maybe you’re right. Thanks for giving your opinion on that."Autumn blazed color on forest and dell, but though the leaves danced my own heart fell," pretty image... *longs for fall* My favorite season."and waved in meadow-valleys pungent and sweet," unclear image... spring waving being pungent? doesn’t quite work for me. Deliberate mixing of imagery. "Waving" so near "meadow-valleys" should imply tall grass and heather in the wind. And the grass, thick and healthy under the sun, smells both very sweet and sharp."I writhed at all the sunny thaws and mirth, that, so inconsiderate of my dearth, sang loudly of love for all, for all, sang loudly of love for all." this, however, works perfectly. David Michael replies: "*kicks dirt* Aww, thanks. I had many doubts about that stanza when I first wrote it, but the repetition just...was there. *shrug*" | |
| 29 Jun 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading..."As by me each day and each week softly roll, I tear all the flowers from the garden of my soul." ow... sounds painful. Heck yeah.
Also, I credit Upton Sinclair, who inspired that couplet with a line in his novel The Jungle."But the honey of her voice lies encased in my heart, so thumping and hot, so tight and so sad, and so bitter and hard to think of." I found this unclear. it is unclear word for word whether he is speaking of the "honey of her voice" or his heart, and "thumping" doesn’t fit with "hot," "tight," and "sad." There has to be a better word there... Personally, I felt the beauty of the stanza is that it can be read both for her voice AND his heart. The "thumping" is in pain, and so is harsh and tight. Imagine an old-style alarm ringing, with the hammer bouncing rapidly between the 2 bells. It’s all very tense, very tight, very hard, and yet expelling lots of energy. His heart is doing that, and yet he’s crying at the same time, or rather he is inside. He can’t get the sound of her voice out, and it distresses him. "When e’er now a waterfall throbs in my ear or the gray wind ruffles grass like her hair, I think that just maybe, perhaps, I should go and return to Faery some day on my own." *smiles* I like this stanza. *quietly* Thanks."My heart, though still hurt, is not dead nor stone cold." you could make this stronger... it is because it hurts that he knows it is neither dead nor cold. the persistence of the hurt is what should drive him. the fact that it hasn’t gone away means something. Hm, that’s actually a really good point. I might include that in a revision."I look at my stride: yes yes, it is long! I look at my staff: yes yes, it is strong! I look at my King, with his blessing in mind, and I leave this time with a love not blind." a merry ending, though the "yes yes" struck me as odd. out of measure with the way this man speaks throughout the poem. For what reason did you choose to end this poem on this note? Never been quite sure about the "yes yes," but don’t really know what else to do with it. It kind of works, since he’s talking to himself. Why’d I end on this note? 1) Because romantic tragedies usually don’t, and I write what I want to read. 2) I wanted to show that his love was real, and that he’d overcome bitterness. 2) Sometimes I get really in touch with my characters, and I just knew he’d try to go back whether or not I wrote it in. 3) This isn’t necessarily the end. This is as much as I know. Maybe it’s all I’ll ever know of their story.read and critiqued! you’re good with poetry, I didn’t have to hack and slash and I did like this, which is odd for me. I tend to lose patience with romance very easily. if it is either too saccharine or else it starts to feel voyeuristic and I get uncomfortable I simply stop reading. You managed a good balance though, giving enough, I think, but not too much, and making it all very beautiful, both emotionally and with your use of imagery. David Michael replies: "Why thank you! This is probably my best poetry, but I’ll write more in the future. I love romance when it’s done well, but you’re right that it often isn’t. Voyeurism I hate, as well as mere lust, and totally sappy stuff can just be annoying. But when it’s done real enough, with just the right touches of magic, I love it. " | |
| 18 Jul 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading..."Super-elaborate imagery for a sunrise, the colors of which have always reminded me of wine, both red and "white."’ Ahhh... I see. I thought it was drunk or something XD this makes much more sense and is very pretty. "Good point, haha, although Laston’s nemesis (Chief of the Raven Clan) is probably one they wouldn’t." aw... he scary? or just too bird-like for fish maidens? ^_^ No.....he’s a man, hehe. Just...a little different. Yeah, I’d say he’s scary. He’s supposed to be scarier than Laston, but so far Laston’s got a head up on personality development, which is important for a villain’s scare factor. Nemesis/ally, it’s all fluid in their dark, wild world. If I do a proper sequel to this scene, you’ll get to meet the Chief of the Raven Clan.is he saying it would be cowardly to be happy without her? It feels like a betrayal to him, a betrayal of her and of love itself. His heart poured itself into her so much in that short time that she became the source of happiness, and he was willing to sacrifice an awful lot for her -- just not the service of his King. Though he’s sure of his decision, he can’t help but feel that he’s supposed to be happy with her rather than without. Like he’d be cheating or something. Which he knows isn’t true, but it still feels like that to him.ah, readers rarely do! and neither do authors. I can’t claim to be great at listening myself. ^_~ "Interesting; this stanza was included to give more sympathy for the fay, for otherwise it sounds as if her love was rather shallow and unable to wait. Without it, would you have blamed her more, or sympathized with her more? The stanza does imply that romantic love is almost a biological necessity for fay...but maybe you’re right. Thanks for giving your opinion on that." I would have sympathized more because the previous stanza made it seem as if she’d been betrayed too often before to put her trust in him this time... which makes her seem a tragic creature. but as I said, the stanza in question does make her seem more fay-like. It all depends on the intended effect. David Michael replies: "Hm...yeah. Fay-folk should be different from just pretty, flighty human girls, but in this poem I’m more concerned about how her character is perceived and developed. I’ll consider your suggestions. Thanks." | |
| 18 Jul 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading...*sighs* fall is my favorite as well... it’s not as pretty where I am currently living as at home though... alas! Where I live now, fall is about the only change I get from this combination spring/summer that hangs about most of the time (may as well call it "spummer" . Winter is just a less-colorful fall. Which makes me oh so sad! "Berries in the Snow" was pure wish-fulfillment. "*kicks dirt* Aww, thanks. I had many doubts about that stanza when I first wrote it, but the repetition just...was there. *shrug*" great when it works out like that, isn’t it?! I see what you mean... but "thumping" still... doesn’t quite seem to work in my head. maybe it’s just me... Oh that’s alright, you don’t have to think it’s perfect. It’s poetry at all, and who ever completely agrees on that, eh? But I do think I’ll keep it, as "thumping" was pretty much the word I wrote the stanza for."Never been quite sure about the "yes yes," but don’t really know what else to do with it. It kind of works, since he’s talking to himself. " hm... would exchanging "I know" or "I see" work instead of "yes yes?" Perhaps...and yet, there’s something more conversational about "yes yes" that I prefer. He’s talking to himself. Probably, if the poem gets revised, the whole stanza will be altered in form a bit, though not likely in content."Why’d I end on this note? 1) Because romantic tragedies usually don’t, and I write what I want to read." good point ^_^ "2) I wanted to show that his love was real, and that he’d overcome bitterness." *nods* "3) Sometimes I get really in touch with my characters, and I just knew he’d try to go back whether or not I wrote it in." It was the fact that this was implied in the next-to-last stanza that made me curious as to why you chose to take it one step further. "4) This isn’t necessarily the end. This is as much as I know. Maybe it’s all I’ll ever know of their story." *smirks* aye, no story or poem should ever be an end, at least not in my mind. ^_~ Actually, the "love not blind" part is what I wanted to fit in somehow. And the consent of his King. He’s learned a bit, grown a little wiser. You know, sometimes I want him to find her again and live happily ever after, and sometimes I think it’s best the way I left it. At any rate, this will probably end up being some little legend in my world that others tell, that gives Brightwater Cascades some history (since the waterfall is an actual place in my constructed world, even placed on the map safely pasted the borders of civilization).you are a rare man, David, in this society, to openly admit to liking romance, even if it’s well-done romance. I applaud your bravery and confidence. I’m not quite so brave, but I’ve courage enough to agree with this: "But when it’s done real enough, with just the right touches of magic, I love it." A well done poem. I hope you get around to revising it. ^_^ David Michael replies: "*tips hat modestly* I am truly honored to be called such, though I know I am rare in many ways, and it makes me sad that many guys too casually dismiss the finer points of life. Among my favorite movies I count The Princess Bride, Casablanca, and Roman Holiday, all beautiful love stories. Even some rather poor movies, if the romantic leads are charismatic and earnest enough, can earn grudging smiles from me. I used to hate "Romeo & Juliet" because they didn’t end up happily ever after. I still think it’s a bit flawed, but have learned to appreciate the beauty of tragedy. (man, it sounds to arrogant to suggest criticism of Shakespeare, haha, but sometimes I just can’t be pleased. *shrug* I much prefer "Much Ado About Nothing." .
And then, I generally despise horror. Thrillers can be fascinating, but personally I see no benefit in the horror genre, mainly as depicted through movies of the slasher/psychopath ilk. Only zombie movie I ever agreed to see (and like) was Shaun of the Dead, and that was only fine because of the British humor. Coulda done without the 50-some F-words though. " | |
| 20 Jul 2008 | A. Setliffe | Loading...sounds utterly fascinating. *thwacks David with a stick* write more of it. *winces* Ow! Hey! Yeah yeah, I’m a terribly slow writer, but I’ll get to it. Well, I’ve got more pressing things to write first, though. But Laston’s got sort of a magnetic pull on me -- he can kill writer’s block easier than most of my other characters. Which I suppose isn’t so surprising when it’s put in those terms...what climate were you from originally? I’m originally from just barely subtropical, so gorgeous spring, miserable summer, gorgeous fall and a gray mostly snowless winter. I’ve actually lived in the same climate my whole life - the wonderfully mild West Coast. Sorry if the word "now" made that confusing. I like the weather over here generally - there are no real extremes (though summer can bake, this one’s been a tad milder) and we get beautiful breezes in from the Pacific. I’ve been longing for more pronounced seasons all my life. Except for summer -- I don’t need a more pronounced summer!heh. fair enough. author always gets the final say, as it should be ^_~ nice. I think most men have those feelings/emotions and are trained not to admit to them, sometimes not even to themselves. You are rare because you don’t seem afraid to take life as it finds you... or so it seems from the little I know of you. that is rare. My father, for one, is an utter romantic at heart, but it’s a closely guarded secret with him... as he grows older he becomes less afraid of letting it show, or perhaps it’s worn him down and he can’t hide it anymore. My brother’s a more open creature. Heh, I dislike R&J simply because I can’t take the main love story seriously... it just strikes me as shallow passion, not something to die for. But then I don’t believe in Love-at-first-sight, or at least don’t believe it as real or valuable as love built over time. I also like romances of personality, which I feel the play lacks... which is why I also prefer Much Ado... Some people just aren’t naturally that open, but a lot does have to do with societal training. It’s common today to think men naturally have an aversion to crying. They’ve clearly never read ancient literature, where even the toughest men are expected to, and do, cry amidst great tragedy or emotion. Ironically though, I very rarely cry, and never before other people unless it’s through laughter. And sometimes I have to remind myself I’m a romantic, to fight that "trained" impulse against it. You know the U.K. singer Katie Melua? All love songs, pretty much, straightforward and simple -- but I love them. The beautiful music helps, but I actually listen to the lyrics too. *laughs to himself* I’m a dreamer.
Yeah, I’ve that problem with R&J too. Romeo, for one, shouldn’t even think of romance with his low level of maturity, and while Juliet is a bit more perceptive, she proves no less foolish. I think you can learn something about a person from even a brief first impression, but true love, the kind that relationships are built of, only comes from time spent together, learning about each other’s personalities through experience. I don’t mind stories with love-at-first-sight, but I take them as light fantasy, not reflecting real love at all.yeah, I hate horror too... fear can be a powerful thing in stories, but horror for horror’s sake... not my thing. I hate being scared. And I don’t like gruesome violence either. I have weird mental categories of what is scary and what isn’t though... for instance I’m a good morbid-hearted southerner, so ghost and ghouly things aren’t always so frightening to me. sometimes zombies scare the heck out of me and sometimes they don’t... I haven’t quite been able to pinpoint why that is. things like Exorcist, or Rosemary’s Baby, though. *shudders* things I was pressured to see by friends and will never watch again... wish I never had. Suspense, sure, but no more horror for Anne. Anne does not like horror. David Michael replies: "I’m rather like that too, actually. Never seen Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any of those demon/anti-Christ-possession movies. And don’t care to. For one thing, I know too much theology to take the premise seriously. But I also hate gruesome violence, graphic murders, and such. Which can pose a problem, because I like mysteries and war movies and such, which can have a lot these days. But I’m generally careful about the content of movies I see. Even the fighting in Gladiator went too far me, much as I liked the movie itself." | |
| 31 Aug 2008 | Melissa L. Withington | Loading...I like it! It’s interesting how you chose to mention the king and his orders as an important part of the poem, especially near the end. It reminds me of times when I have had to leave a certain thing or person out of my life due its not being God’s will at the time; difficult but for the best. David Michael replies: "A difficult thing indeed. I’m glad you noticed that part: it’s small, it’s not as smoothly integrated as the rest, it’s certainly not as romantic...but it’s actually the most important element." | |
| 24 Apr 2009 | Meg J Milano | Loading...Very, Very good. I loved how he hoped of going back to look for her even if she wasn’t there. It’s a shame she couldn’t wait. David Michael replies: "Thanks for the comment. I’m glad this is actually getting people to think about it." | |
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