Elfwood is the worlds largest SciFi & Fantasy community.
  - 93557 members, 12 online now.
  - 54146 site visitors the last 24 hours.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Timothy Pontious

"Donavin´s Reef - Part 1" by Timothy Pontious

SF&F Picture 1 out of 24 by Timothy Pontious
 
Tag As Favorite
 
This is the start of an adventure. I'm not completely sure where it is going. However, I think poor Donavin is in over his head. This is the first item I wrote specifically for Elfwood submission. I think it has a lot of possibilities, and perhaps would work as the first chapter of a novel. I'm actively looking for feedback on this one guys. Thanks!
Add Bookmark
Tag As FavoriteComment

Donavin sat all the way back in his chair, his feet crossed deeply under the desk. He stared out his window and across to the nearby lake with the day's young sun just glinting on the ripples.

The inspiration wouldn't come. He'd been trying to write a poem for a girl he had met, and was completely stuck. Her name was Shara, the daughter of a merchant who owned several large warehouses near the docks. She had a sharp wit, laughing eyes, and a smile that melted something inside him.

But that was beside the point, really. He was working - or that was what he told people. Or at least he was studying for his alchemy exams. It really meant he was doodling pointless shapes on his parchment with his right hand. His left hand twirled a smooth bluish stone marble slowly. At least it wasn't tingling yet. At least he had some peace before the pleas started coming in.

"Stolen away 'neath silv'ry moon
In a boat out on the sea,
Sails snapping out a lively tune;
None awaked but you and me…"

He scratched the lines out with a vengeance. No reason to get personal just yet - he'd only met her a two weeks ago at Minda's debutante ball. Then he wadded up the loose parchment he had scribbled on, and tossed it toward the woven basket where his poems always ended up. He had no idea if she liked boats, the sea, or even poetry for that matter. She was from the Duchy of Mead, so she was more likely familiar with vineyards.

Minda's ball was already two lunches ago, and a trip to the Velvet Sword for some hot taleafa after work. Tonight would be a concert at the Queen's Garter by some bard he'd not heard before. Perhaps the poem should wait anyway.

He wouldn't have even gone to the ball if Minda had not been a cousin, and his attendance was expected. The mead was too sweet, the meat too well done, but the unexpected introduction to Shara was more than worth a bad meal. Shara was brilliantly red-haired with deep blue eyes. She had worn her hair pulled back tightly and then draped around her shoulders in a glorious mantle. She was obviously from the north, since red hair was scarce around these parts. When she spoke, her northern accent was soft as butter. The blue gown she wore was the color of the sky just before sunset - deep blue with blue-on-blue overlays. And she laughed at his jokes. Amazing….

He caught himself from drifting off into a reverie, and stood up to go over to the large glass box that hovered in a corner of the room. Above the box were three crystalline shards worked into an ornate bronze canopy that arched above like a trellis in a garden (which is where he had borrowed it from). He touched each of the shards, and with his silent comand they turned into brilliant white lights illuminating what was in the pond below.

There was a floor of sand about a finger-length deep. On top of the sand rested several interesting rocks of different shapes and sizes. There were caves, holes, bumps, nooks, and crannies all over, and the colors were brilliantly displayed now in purple, orange, reds, and greens. Scattered around the rocks were different snails, starfishes, crabs, and at least one eel that had arrived when his home was put into the tank.

The box had formerly been on a heavy wooden stand made like a cupboard until recently, but now it was resting on a set of enchanted metallic disks set in the air and permanently enchanted by Kinta, who was a young master of the Magnetism school of magic. The disks held the box firmly and level so that the box would not spill any water, nor crack the glass. The space under the box was freed for a small book shelf that now contained several smaller boxes of dried seaweed that Donavin used as fish food.

He was grateful for Kinta's help stabilizing his aquarium, because the Magnetism's magics were completely opposite of his own Mentalism magics. Donavin could do amazing things with his mind, reading minds and seeing or hearing things in other rooms. But he was completely baffled by Magnetism's use of force fields, and the endless use of strange attractions and repulsions.

"Good morning, my fishes." He peered into the swirling waters of his fish-prison and breathed in the familiar salty air. The fish were a little slow to move about at first. A deep blue swordtailed Damita swam out from behind her rocks first. She had a splash of deep red behind her gills and a deep orange (almost bronze colored) swatch on her tummy. Donavin smiled at the recent addition. Then the green jawfish swam by, displaying her large bluish spots and nibbling at tiny bits of food on the rocks.

"Good morning, Nordriss." He intoned in a more formal voice. There was no response from the tank.

"Nordriss!" Donavin's voice was firm. "I said Good Morning!" He flicked his fingers through the top of the water for emphasis. The Damita ducked behind some rocks and hunkered near a small crab for comfort.

"Nordriss!"

"Yesss, Masster." A watery face appeared on the surface of the fish tank. The water elemental usually appeared as if he were sleepy, sanguine, or just bored. Donavin couldn't tell which.

"Report, please."

Nordriss had been assigned to replace the cold-water fish in the tank with warmer-blooded varieties now that the winter chill was gone from the room and the air was wonderfully warm with planting season rains.

Nobody else in the district had a water elemental in their servitude. Nordriss had belonged to his family for four prior generations, and would be released from his service when the fifth generation - Donavin - released him.

"Yesss, Master. There is one new inhabitant this morning that I just found off the coast of Highport that you may like. It is a male Angleback fish. He seems to prefer eating the small waterbugs you detest finding in here." Nordriss made a face as if he found the idea of something disgusting in there with him as purely absurd. "The tank needs replacement for about a stone and a half of water, which I shall remedy immediately. All is well. The light crystals are helping the new reef stones to maintain their color as well, by the way."

The light crystals had been provided by Armina, who was one of the new students. They were easy to make, and she had needed an assignment. It wasn't strictly within the rules, but the headmaster had looked the other way after an informal reprimand.

"Where is this Angleback fish?"

Nordriss must have nudged the new arrival because it started and swam out of its hole amid the rocks. It did have a very high, pointy back and a very deep belly. He was black and white striped vertically with a yellow circle around each eye.

Donavin was growing uneasy with Nordriss. He could let him go and be done with him but he brought such excellent specimens! Donavin couldn't bring himself to fully consider letting Nordriss go. But his insistence that he also served Lar Shiz, the dark god of the murky waters always bothered him. Of course it made sense for water elementals to worship Lar Shiz, and usually Donavin could shake off the feeling of dread he got when Nordriss mentioned his name.

"Very nice addition. Thank you. Make sure the angleback eats well."

"Of course, Master."

Donavin went back to his desk and sat down heavily in his chair. He had managed to get downstairs earlier for a breakfast biscuit with his taleafa, but that was hours ago. He began spinning his blue orb again and began drifting off in thoughts about Shara, and the poem, and what strange new fish Nordriss might bring.

Nordriss had been quite the sensation when Donavin had arrived at the enclave. Many of the other students had been fascinated, and had asked him to walk about the room. This was a hilarious entertainment as this column of water shifted slowly around the room. But Nordriss grew quite weary of this, and began sulking to the point where Donavin had to promise no more walks on the land. It tired Nordriss to do such things, and Donavin would rather Nordriss spent his energy looking for interesting fish.

The blue marble tingled at his fingertips. Donavin sighed deeply and stared at it for a moment. It wasn't a pleasant vibration, so he knew the person making the plea would be upset.

You weren't supposed to be able to get these kinds of impressions from the orb, or so he had been told a number of times. He could tell the mood of the customer, if it was strongly felt by them. Of all the things to be sensitive toward, why did it have to be something like this?

He slowly fingered the metallic shard in the earring he wore, which was the real magic involved here. With the shard in touch, he opened a channel in his mind to the person begging attention.

"Alchemical Theurgy and Thaumaturgy, how can I help you?"

It still seemed odd that he could talk and they could hear him and respond. The original design had called for a purely telepathic enchantment on a device based on his magic background in Mentalism, but this had not worked. Perhaps in the next design we could fix a few of these problems? But the thought of a purely telepathic device scared him all the way to his bones. It was bad enough working with people who could read your mind. Why should the customers be able to do that as well? Lestir had insisted on development of the concept as a means to get a few more coins from his customers. A telepathic device had been a heated debate, which still continued. Since the orbs they had were working fine for voice communication, did they really need an improvement?

"Donavin?"

Oh merciful Goddess! It was Madam Marlean. He could tell by the screech. She was the meanest old sot this side of the Teeth of the World. Donavin put on his best professional manner and replied. "Good morning Madam Marlean. What can I help you with today?"

"Donavin? Is that you? Oh, I'm so glad. It seems my imp has been chasing my tarkin again. What should I do?"

He cursed his masters who made these magical widgets so that their customers could always be in contact with the alchemists who designed, created, and sold these wonderful inventions. The primary use, he guessed, was that they could charge a few extra pieces of gold for the service. He got questions about interesting things all the time, and had learned magical and alchemical tricks and devices that he planned to use if he ever graduated his studies and became a full alchemist.

But certainly AT&T did not sell any imps, and if they did sell an imp to Madam Marlean, it would certainly have been a noted occasion.

It festered in his mind a little that he had to take questions from people he didn't like in order to make ends meet. And it festered more when he had to figure something out that he wasn't responsible for.

"Did your imp scare your dear tarkin with something we sold you?" He crossed his fingers, hoping that a meteor would fall out of the sky and end the conversation.

"I don't know. All I know is that poor Booba has been hiding under the bed since last night."

"Well, Ma'am, I don't think…"
"Don't Ma'am me, sonny. The name is Madam Marlean, and I'm NOT a Ma'am. I am a fully lauded Mistress in three spell schools, you know"

"Ah, I'm very sorry Madam Marlean. But I was just thinking that maybe your tarkin was scared by something else? I mean I don't think we sold an imp to you. I don't know much about imps really. We just sell the magic devices or enchant devices to order. Did you get your imp in a deal of some kind?"

He put a clean piece of parchment into the large book that served as a journal to record his customers' conversations, and scribbled in the date to begin the entry as the conversation wound around tarkins, imps, and why Booba might have been scared. If the old crone were not so wealthy, he could have ended the conversation since they did not sell that imp to her. But she was also Lestir's sister, and he was the Headmaster. He tried to be careful as he wrote quickly, but the ink always ran in unpredictable ways and smudged badly when he was trying to write while he talked.

And so began the morning, the poem uncompleted and rejected, and the taleafa cold too quickly in his earthen mug. Breakfast would have to wait until Sharnissa, the scullery maid, came around in an hour or so to see if he was still alive, and bring him a piece of bread and some cheese, and another mug of taleafa if he was lucky.

Can you call an old crone a "maid", even if just a scullery maid? Even worse, he thought, is if she's having one of her headache fits this morning, and she just sends Raia stumping up the stairs with a tray. No telling how many times he had spilled the contents and put them back on the tray - the poor guy should have retired years ago.

Raia was diminutive, which was normal for people of his tribe, clan and family. They were the Pale Folk, and of old they had always been a bit odd. They are born pasty-white, and are tattooed starting after their first year, covering their entire bodies with brilliantly colored designs to show clan affiliation, family, and heritage. A few spaces were left for adulthood so that each could customize his body art, and this was often done in stages at the ends of the fifteenth and twentieth summers.

On top of the swirling garish colors, the Pale Folk relished in wearing whatever odd bits of color they could find. All of this color must be a way to make up for such a drab start into the world, Donavin supposed. Until he knew these facts, he did not know why they were called the Pale Folk in the first place.

Raia was a good man, but as he complained from time to time, his colors were fading and he was losing interest in life. He stumped around the enclave with a walking stick because of one leg that was bad in the hip. He also carried a gruff demeanor, but he always had words of encouragement for the students here to learn alchemy. After all, wizardry wasn't what it used to be, was it? Everybody specialized, as Donavin had specialized in Mentalism (the study of clairvoyance, clairaudience, reading minds and divinations). Madam Marlean's alleged mastery of three spell schools was exceptional, to say the least.

At least Donavin didn't have to leave his rooms to do his job, and it was shelter over his head. Not a bad deal. Much better than the iron mines or being captive on some pirate ship at sea.

There we go, back to the sea again. It would have to wait, along with his poem. The Sunrise Sea was within sight of his rooms on a clear day, down the road to Port Merit where the fleet docked and the merchants traded. The port was a busy place, and Donavin preferred the quiet of the alchemy enclave.

Donavin rearranged some of the books on his desk without opening or studying them. There were no other pleas coming from customers, and little else to distract him. Sharnissa bustled her way into the room without knocking and left a tray so quickly that Donavin hardly had time to notice and register a greeting.

He couldn't concentrate. His mind kept wandering back to Shara, her amazing red hair, and those deep blue eyes. This would not help him become an alchemist, and his studies were beginning to lag.

Toward lunch time there was a knocking sound that didn't come from the door. The rapping came from a highly polished and decorated wooden box on his desk. The box had a cleverly hinged lid, and was deeply inlaid with different woods and ivory bits that made it into a spiral pattern on the top and sides. Donavin took a deep breath and opened the box.

An imp stood inside the box, his head just barely above the level of the sides of it. This made him look small - even for impkind - hardly taller than a man's pointing finger is long. He was very darkly colored as if wearing charcoal dust except for a dark red sash of a rich-looking fabric, and some swirly spots of lighter gray around his eyes. Perhaps he was an older imp? He had his fur smoothed neatly down, and was holding his hand out in a most formal salutation.

"Hello, imp. I didn't order anything. You must have the wrong address."

Imps were unpredictable, but they usually didn't get the wrong address. They traveled by being able to jump from any area that is in shadow to any other shadow or dark place instantly, traveling on the darkness itself as if it were a highway lit by torches. They were paid by the master who sent them (usually in silver), yet they always waited for a tip when they delivered the item or message. If you didn't want to find something nasty in your impbox in a few days, it was best to tip them something.

The impboxes were a convenient way to get small objects and messages longer distances without entrusting it to the unreliable Post service, or a merchant caravan to deliver it. And not all places could use the Post service either - just major cities.

The imp made a formal bow and produced a large envelope from a pouch around his neck. The envelope was easily larger than the pouch or the box, but somehow it unfolded without any wrinkles in it. The envelope was addressed to: Squire Donavin, Lestir's Alchemy Enclave, Port Merit. There was no mistaking it was meant for him.

"Is this all you have for me, or is there a package too?"
The imp nodded and then shook his head negatively to indicate it was all, and there was no package.

"Is your master expecting a response on this?"
The imp shrugged his little shoulders so hard that it seemed his bones might creak, while wrinkling his long nose like a mouse.

Donavin carefully tore the envelope open. There was no return address on it. Inside was a single sheet of parchment with the message: "You have an object that does not belong to you. Return it, or be at peril." It was signed with a scrawl of red ink, bloody red in the light from the window. A sigil stood in for a signature, with no apparent name amid the scrawl.

"Who is your master and what does hewant?"

The imp shrugged again.

Donavin paced around his desk for a few moments, unsure of how to proceed until the imp held out a small hand.

"This is a mistake or something. I don't have anything that I did not buy, earn, or inherit. Return to your master with that message. I am no thief nor do I associate with thieves."

Donavin rummaged around for a silver coin to tip the little guy, and to pay for the reply. The imp waved off the offered coin though, and made a motion of writing something. "Ah, I see, just a moment. Sorry." Imps were shy, they seldom spoke, and many of them were actually mute (or just very stubborn - it was difficult to tell sometimes). This one evidently either enjoyed the charade or could not speak.

Donavin repeated his message onto a parchment, letting the bluish ink smudge in spots because he was feeling nervous, and in a hurry for the imp to leave as soon as possible. He handed the paper to the imp with the coin, which the imp accepted and shoved deeply into his pouch, without folding or wrinkling the paper. Donavin closed the lid of the box and presumably the imp returned to his master, because when he lifted the lid again, there was nothing inside but the deep, dark cloth lining.

"You have an object that does not belong to you. Return it, or be at peril."

Donavin stared out the window for a moment considering the stern words of the brief letter. His reverie was interrupted by the lunch chime being rung reluctantly in the square below. His stomach agreed that it was time for lunch, and his heart warned it was time to ask many questions.

←- Wolfstone's Journal - Hide and Seek | A Visit (poem) -→

DateNameComment 
2 Oct 2004:-) Glo 'the Bug' Bowden
This totally drew me in! Wow! What an amazing world you have set up -- a beautiful exposition to be sure. The details are wonderful and called images to my mind so that it became very real to me.

As I am only 16 and not very experienced in the field of writing, you may discard this advice if you wish: watch your 'be' verbs. The 'be' verbs are 'is', 'as', 'was', 'were', 'am', 'being', and 'been', They tend to tell rather than show, and (as my english teacher would say) "suck the life" (somewhat) out of your writing. For example, if you say "He *was* cold" it doesn't draw you in as much as, "A wintery chill settled into his limbs, sending shivers through his body as though a ghost ran its transparent fingers up and down his spine." (guu...I'm a bit out of practice, sorry).

**BUT** You are truly ingenious! I'm already dying to know what's going to happen. I'll be sure to check back, you can be sure of that!! Brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!!

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Since I'm antique, and have probably forgotten everything my teachers tried to tell me by now, your reminder about verb use is very timely. Thanks for that. I'll have to get out my 'be' swatter and insecticide and see if I can knock a few down!I have some things in mind for the next bit, but nothing scribbled down yet. But ya know - sometimes bad things happen to good people to give them a contrast. Otherwise, life is all... beige."
6 Nov 200445 Sharon
Heya Tim! I am so glad to read your story! I loved the fish and the water elemental! Nordiss seems like he will be a great trouble to Donavin.

I am also wondering what will happen to the imp and if he will come back with another message?? This is truly a world where anything can happen and you weave a curious tale!

Very good plot conflict with Donavin wanting to know Shara better yet having to work and study all the while. And dealing with rude customers to boot!

Quite an enjoyable read! Can't wait to see future chapters!

2
Sharon

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Aw, shucks....I've been talking with Donavin about what he wants to do, but he isn't in the mood to discuss much. Meanwhile I have a ticket in the queue, so I should have something else (entirely different) up this week. Thanks so much for stopping by my page!"
12 Nov 2004:-) Alinta Brown
Palintir, Thanks for the invite to come and comment. But I do have some criticism. This feels odd. Usually in our writer's group we get to scribble all over each other's work.

As with all critism you can take notice or discard as you wish - lord knows I do (lol).

I found that you jumped from subject to subject without clean joinings in the story. You could get away withit as the musings of anyone's mind but even in human minds (at least) their is some thread of connect. The worst one is going from the conversaation with the 'Madam' to the pale folk (which are pretty damn cool) Of course I could have missed it completely but Donavan went from musing over his smudging writing style to the fact he hasn't had his breakfast yet (which you had said he did, if indeed hours ago - what did he do, raid the kitchen at four in the morning?)

This is a funky world that you are building and I like the descriptions of it. Some questions. The marble, does he have to have it on him at all times, and always in his hand? You have a reponse/reciever/replier thingy hanging from his ear, why not have the marble on his hand as a ring (he could be playing with it as frodo does the one ring)

The Ball that was two days ago and then has two weeks? I think... I could have read it completely wrong though.

Now I know that when people critise something people think they didn't like it. But I did, really, want to see more. *bounces in chair* and this comment has gone on long enough.

Salutee

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Some great observations! I was jumping around a little because the character was distracted, and I was also trying to put too much in too soon. I'm going to attempt a rewrite and add another chapter. I'll let ya know..."
29 Jan 2005:-) Blair N. Woynarski
Wow. I enjoyed the story, and particularly liked the bit with the impbox. It's creative, and much cooler than owls. I do have some crticisms, though.

I agree with above comments. Watch your "to be" verbs. Also, limit use of adverbs (I didn't notice an overabundance in this story, but just keep it in mind). Then I agree on it jumping around a lot. That, I didn't have too much of a problem with, but there are things directly related I didn't care so much for.
You introduce a lot of characters and don't expand. It seems like you have a cast that you need to get through. Madame Marlean is an example. You make like she's a major character, but you don't flesh her out. You say she's "mean". I wouldn't have figured that out if you hadn't said so. Rather than making a description like that in the introduction, let it describe itself. Her meanness can be expressed through dialogue, actions, and facial expressions.
It seems like this story is trying to have a plot, but it isn't coming through. Character-driven stories are fine, but don't confuse yourself in what you're going for.
And a language thing, you say the imps travel through darkness like "highways lit by torches". Now, that analogy is too paradoxical to work. To say that darkness works like a highway is fine, but to add torches to the mix is pointless and really doesn't make sense. If you're writing poetry, you're allowed not to make sense, but prose is held to a different standard.

Anyway, good job.

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "You've raised some very good points, and I thank you. I think my problem was trying to lay a foundation on a scale that dwarfed what I could realistically do, with the full plot development still sorta fuzzy. I am still trying to see my way clear on where this story goes, and it will likely get reinvented in time. Meanwhile, I have some items in the queue, so check back in a week or so. 12"
31 Jan 2005:-) Larry N. Morris
So . . . you wrote alll of this and still have no idea where it is going. Welcome to the club. That's how I write most of my novels and stories. I hate working from a detailed outline. It feels like working on an assembly line in a factory. Creat as you go!!! Yeah!!!

Other than the above ctits, I saw this.
[[They are born pasty-white, and are tattooed starting]]
Both times "are" should be "were." That's the only slip into present tense I saw. Good job otherwise.

By the way--I suppose you know there is a John Wayne movie called Donovan,s Reef. No big deal but it was very obvious.

For the story itself, I'm not sure what you are going for here. Do you intend for it all to be humorous? There is good material here for a serious story. As it stands now, it sounds a bit too Harry Potter-ish.

Gotta say, love your mail system. Impbox, indeed! The humor in this is quite good. A job well done.

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Thanks for the read, the comments, and the vote of confidence. The Hogwarts parallels are a little disconcerting to me actually, but I'm not sure how to rewrite it without taking the fun out of it. As it sits (and sits, and sits) it will be a serious story - but I hope enough of the humor comes through to balance it out. I think once he gets on the road the problem goes away. I have some schemes in mind, but the specifics are dogging me for some reason. And I actually changed the name when it sounded too familiar - I Googled for it and found my error and changed the spelling a bit, but it was too late to really come up with something different. But then, titles really do evolve as the story does IME.Come and visit any time. I have a ticket in the queue ATM, and have another planned for Mid-Feb (if I can keep the wind at my back)."
22 Jun 200545 Simon Kreszyn
Heya!
I am not one for all kinds of detailed advice and whatnot- I am pretty general about my comments. The start of this is great- sucked in right away- I love the poem and all that. I have to say you have a very easy-going style. It kind of hums along like a nice rhythm- I was waiting for the hammer to be dropped. The world you created here is super detailed- I felt like I was tuned in well. I just kept wondering if he'd get the girl in the end or not. I thought everything was grand, but I have to say (personally) I wanted a little kick in the pants at the end just to up the tempo.

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "That's a great observation. Chapter 1 was getting a bit long, and the kick in the pants is in chapter 2 - if I ever get there. I'm working on the Dead War now, but will probably revisit Donavin later, and restart. Thanks for the visit!"
29 Oct 2005:-) Keith D. Brooks Jr.
You woven a humorous and lively world here and it does sort of remind me of the Harry potter books; sort of! I do have to admit though that i really like the idea of an impbox and I like the elementals. You should continue this one. 2

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Thanks! I'm considering moving forward with this, but the Harry Potter comparisons keep putting me off. I'm trying to come up with a slightly different angle for it that would make it less like Hogwarts - with little success. But I'm glad you like it!"
18 Dec 200545 Christabel Nolan
Hello!! We haven't met, but we have now! So, I read this. Are youstill thinking ooof continuing with it? Because I think you have set up this world quite nicely to start with, and I don't think it's too Harry Potterish. The only thing that I would suggest is a piece of advice that my boyfriend gave me about my own writing - and he's not a writer, but it made sense. He said that if you want someone to read something, then there has to be something to hook their interest. Some kind of action, or intrigue. Now this happens with yours, but not until the end. Your writing is very good, but maybe think about leaving some of the more backgroundy stuff until after the readers interest has been captured. However, if you think I am an idiot, then please feel free to ignore me. Or read my story and rubbish it. I would be happy to discuss ideas anytime you wish. Farewell.

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Nope. You're no idiot. I was saving more of the action for chapter 2, which will be fixed if I rewrite this. I'm working more on Wolfstone's Journal and the Conspiracy of the Dead stuff these days. Thanks so much for finding my page, and the comment!"
10 May 2006:-) Alexandru Moisi
Hmm to be perfectly honest this has a very powerful Harry Potter air around it, but it sounds a lot more seroius and quite frankly cool. So keep it up.
I loved all the little details, it gives life to the character. He has his own problems. You also managed to give personalities to almost everything you describe, great!
My only negative comment is that maybe the ending(with the strange message) is to abrupt compared with the rest of the story. Is sounds a little "forced".
Otehrwise a great intro, looking forward to the rest.

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Ah, yes, well that ending was giving me problems. I have not written anything on this thread since I posted it. I've been working on the Conspiracy of the Dead though - so you may want to check that out as well. Thanks for your comments! I may pick this one up again some day. ..."
8 Jun 2006:-) Amy ´the Ames´ Perkins
*sigh* If only I could have a water elemental take care of a fish tank for me. The only aquatic thing I can succesfully keep alive is algae...

I don't quite understand why Donavin is nervous with Nordriss. Has there been any indication why having the water elemental take care of the fish is a bad thing? Could he possibly turn on Donavin?

AT&T??? Oh god that's hilarious. And his magical 'shard' is a phone type thing.... I'm dying here. Great job.

Minor correction: Who is your master and what does hewant?"
space between he and want

I'm not getting the same Harry Potter vibe that previous readers have gotten. I think it holds a lot of potential, you just need a visit from a muse to figure out exactly what that potential is. Good luck with this!

:-) Timothy Pontious replies: "Yes, Nordriss is not to be trusted. I'm glad you enjoyed this piece, though I have to say I have not dusted it off in a long time. It's a fun place to start from, and maybe I'll get back to it one day. Thanks!"
Page: [1] 2
Not signed in...

   Private message?


About 'Donavin's Reef - Part 1':
 • Status: OK
 • Created by: :-) Timothy Pontious
 • Copyright: ©Timothy Pontious. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Donavin, Reef, Fish, Imp, Mentalism, Alchemy, School
 • Categories: Demons, Imps, Devils, Beholders..., Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Romance, Emotion, Love
 • Views: 351


More by 'Timothy Pontious':
Tim's Tirran Terms
Wolfstone's Journal - Calling All Heroes
Wolfstone's Journal - An Imp Infestation
Wolfstone's Journal - Hide and Seek
Conspiracy of the Dead - 02
The Osiris Legion
Wolfstone's Journal - About Herman
Conspiracy of the Dead - 04

Related Tutorials:
  • 'On Teen Writing' by :-)Elisabeth A. Wilhelm
  • 'Character Creation Form' by :-)Crissy Gottberg
  • 'Writing in English as a Foreign Language' by :-)Inger Marie Hognestad
  • Art Education Finder...
  •  
     

    Elfwood™ is a site for Fantasy and Science Fiction art and stories created by Thomas Abrahamsson and helpful assistants and moderators, owned by the Elfwood corporation.

    [More...]