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Stories / Stories / Natalie Touretsky (Gerie Aren) / Text 1 of 28 / Beware of the unicorn

"Beware of the unicorn" by Natalie Touretsky (Gerie Aren)

SciFi/Fantasy text 1 out of 28 by Natalie Touretsky (Gerie Aren). ←Previous - Next→

Your traditional white-and-pretty unicorn, but with a twist. My first more-or-less good self-translation. I wrote this story in Russian some years ago. When I translated it, I changed it a little, to make the world in it more understandable. If you read Russian you can find original story here: http://zhurnal.lib.ru/n/natalija_w_t/predator1.shtml

←- Winged ship | The darkest black unicorn -→

Beware of the unicorn

Jerry and Helen knelt behind a row of bushes. It's hard to believe, that in the middle of the megapolis you can find the landscape looking so wild-like. But Grand Park is really big territory and its inner regions are pretty wild. On the outskirts it looks like any urban park, but deeper you go in, less and less civilization you will see. The concrete paths are there, ok, and even wooden benches here and there, but the moment you step down from concrete, you seem to cross the border and enter a different world. World of the wild woods, full of secrets, unknown to townsfolk, and, therefore, dangerous.

The view was lovely – sunlit meadow, surrounded by the great old trees, contrast of pale mourning sun and dark, mysterious shadows, but not the lovely view was what brought two teenagers so deep into the Park in such an early hour…

The snow-white beast walked lazily out of the shadows into the pale mourning sun. It pretended not to pay attention to the hiding spectators, but one who learned its ways good enough would know, it's only a show. Anyway, this time the unicorn really didn't care about the visitors. But if the girl came here alone, it could be different…

Helen watched unicorn with almost hypnotized expression. The semblance was prefect, like it really stepped down from medieval painting. Every bit was in place – pure white color, deer-like body and mane of the horse, brushes of long hair over cloven hoofs and on the tip of long tail, delicate ears, blue eyes, sleek silvery horn…

And yet, something was missing. Helen couldn't shook off the feeling of wrongness the creature gave her.

Unicorn came a few steps closer, and Helen finally figured it out – the way it moved was not at all deer-like or horse-like. His movements were much like those of lion or tiger. And his eyes were not like eyes of deer or horse too…

Jerry bent to Helen's ear and whispered sharply: "Rule number two – when dealing with Unicorn, never meet It's eyes, always look aside, if you don't want to fall under It's spell!"

Unicorn stopped right in front of them, yawned in most decorous fashion and Helen made one more horrific discovery – the month of this herbivore-looking creature concealed a set of teeth more fitting for a great wolf. It seemed to her, that the time slowed down and she managed to have a detailed view of it. Long, curved fangs, to hold and tear the prey, triangle back teeth, to crush bones…

Unicorn closed it's month with a snap, like dogs sometimes do, and gracefully walked away. Audience was over.

Helen crouched on the ground, feeling weak, wishing she could lay down. Jerry whispered again, knowing for sure, that this time she will listen and will remember: "First rule – when meeting the Unicorn in the woods, don't let It close by all costs, especially when you are alone!"

←- Winged ship | The darkest black unicorn -→

Date	Name	Comment
30 Mar 2007	Douglas Eckhart	Loading... Jerry bent to Helen's ear and whispered sharply: "Rule number two – when dealing with Unicorn, never meet It's eyes, always look aside, if you don't want to fall under It's spell!" It's starting to look like "Unicorn" is it's proper name, the same way that "Jerry" and "Helen" are names. Also, capitalizing the "I" in "It's" is most likely not necessary. I don't know if you need the comma after "aside," since it breaks up the sentence at an odd point. I'm not very good with commas, though. It might be correct. Unicorn stopped right in front of them, yawned in most decorous fashion and Helen made one more horrific discovery – the month of this herbivore-looking creature concealed a set of teeth more fitting for a great wolf. * You need some sort of article before "most decorous" and probably need a comma in there: "yawned in the most decorous fashion, and Helen". The word, "month", is a misspelling, it should be "mouth". It seemed to her, that the time slowed down and she managed to have a detailed view of it. Long, curved fangs, to hold and tear the prey, triangle back teeth, to crush bones… There shouldn't be an article before "time". It should be: "that time slowed down". Since you are talking about the teeth, maybe use "them": "a detailed view of them." Unicorn closed it's month with a snap, like dogs sometimes do, and gracefully walked away. Use "mouth" instead of "month". Audience was over. This works in a somewhat poetic sense, but most likely should be, "The audience was over." Helen crouched on the ground, feeling weak, wishing she could lay down. I think it should be: "wishing she could lie down." Jerry whispered again, knowing for sure, that this time she will listen and will remember: "First rule – when meeting the Unicorn in the woods, don't let It close by all costs, especially when you are alone!" I'm not sure the comma before "that" is necessary, also it should all be in the same tense, "this time she would listen and would remember". Depending on how Jerry speaks, he should most likely say, "don't let it close, at all costs".
30 Mar 2007	Douglas Eckhart	Loading... The view was lovely – sunlit meadow, surrounded by the great old trees, contrast of pale mourning sun and dark, mysterious shadows, but not the lovely view was what brought two teenagers so deep into the Park in such an early hour… You probably need an "a" or "the" before "sunlit meadow," also you probably need the word, "the", before "contrast of". The word "mourning" should be "morning". You should most likely put another hyphen at the end of the description before you pick up with "but not" since you started with a hyphen (I could be wrong about that). "but not the lovely view was what" should probably read, "but it was not the lovely view that". "in such an early hour..." should be "at such an early hour..." "Park" does not need to be capitalized unless it's a proper name, like "Grand Park". The snow-white beast walked lazily out of the shadows into the pale mourning sun. mourning -> morning. It pretended not to pay attention to the hiding spectators, but one who learned its ways good enough would know, it's only a show. "one who learned it's ways good enough" is a bit awkward. It should probably be: "one who knew it's ways well enough" Anyway, this time the unicorn really didn't care about the visitors. Perfect! But if the girl came here alone, it could be different… Comma after "But" Maybe use, "had come", instead of "came". Helen watched unicorn with almost hypnotized expression. Unless "Unicorn" is it's name, it should be "the unicorn". You need some sort of article before "almost", like "an almost". The semblance was prefect, like it really stepped down from medieval painting. This is a bit awkward. I would either write, "like it had really stepped", or "as if it had really". Every bit was in place – pure white color, deer-like body and mane of the horse, brushes of long hair over cloven hoofs and on the tip of long tail, delicate ears, blue eyes, sleek silvery horn… Looks good! Maybe make it, "and the mane of a horse". And yet, something was missing. Helen couldn't shook off the feeling of wrongness the creature gave her. It should most likely be, "Helen couldn't shake off". Unicorn came a few steps closer, and Helen finally figured it out – the way it moved was not at all deer-like or horse-like. "Unicorn" needs an article before it, "The unicorn", unless "Unicorn" is it's actual name. His movements were much like those of lion or tiger. You switch from calling the unicorn "it" to calling it "he". This isn't bad, but maybe change the first word to "he", also. You need "a" before "lion". And his eyes were not like eyes of deer or horse too… You need an article before "eyes" and the word "too" is awkward and needs to be set off by a comma: "not like the eyes of a deer or horse, either..."
30 Mar 2007	Douglas Eckhart	Loading... Jerry and Helen knelt behind a row of bushes. It's hard to believe, that in the middle of the megapolis you can find the landscape looking so wild-like. Since the first line was in past tense, you should stay in past tense: "It was hard to believe" and "could find". I am not very good at using commas, but I believe the commas should go, "to believe that, in the middle of the megapolis, you can" "wild-like" is a bit awkward. It does add a sense of style to the story, but it's probably not the best set of words to use in that situation. But Grand Park is really big territory and its inner regions are pretty wild. There should be a comma in there. I think it goes after the word, "But." I think it's usually said to be bad form to start a sentence with a word like, "But," but I do it anyway! So it would be: "But, Grand Park" "really big territory" needs something like "a". "is a really big territory". Again, it should probably be in past tense, "was a really big". Also, the word "territory" might not be exactly what you're looking for. On the outskirts it looks like any urban park, but deeper you go in, less and less civilization you will see. You need articles befor some of the words. It should most likely read: "but the deeper" and "the less". Also, "less and less civilization" is slightly awkward. Past tense again: "looked", "went in", and "would see". The concrete paths are there, ok, and even wooden benches here and there, but the moment you step down from concrete, you seem to cross the border and enter a different world. Removing the word, "ok", might make things flow a bit better. Past tense again: "were there", "stepped", and "seemed". Also, it should be "from the concrete". World of the wild woods, full of secrets, unknown to townsfolk, and, therefore, dangerous. "A world" (add the "A") "therefor" (doesn't need an "e"). I'm not sure it needs to be set off by commas, but I'm not sure. Being very picky, if they live in a "megapolis", it sounds odd to call them "townsfolk". The -folk part of that sounds very much like a small country town, which doesn't fit with the image of a megapolis, which implies a sprawling, urban dystopia.
30 Mar 2007	Douglas Eckhart	Loading... This was a really fun story to read! There are too many stories around with happy, fluffy unicorns. It's great to see a new and original view of them! Since I need practice at editing and grammar, I looked through your story and will append a few suggestions below. I hope you don't mind. Keep in mind that I'm not all that great at grammar myself, that's why I need the practice editing.
12 Jul 2007	Heidi Hecht	Loading... That was an interesting story. There were some minor grammar errors, but Douglas Eckhart already did a good job of pointing them out. About the only thing I could add is, be sure to watch your articles (a, and, the) at the beginning of your sentences. Instead of putting "Unicorn" at the beginning of a sentence, it should be "The unicorn." That's a very easy mistake to make. You did a good job of translating it.