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Karolien V Burms

"diamond of justice 1" by Karolien V Burms

SciFi/Fantasy text 2 out of 3 by Karolien V Burms.      ←Previous - Next→
 
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just a story I based on something I have drawn a time ago. I got no idea how I came on the idea. for the ones that have read it already I have corrected the most faults and added some things to make it less confusing
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←- death | Iter -→

Diamond of justice

 

In a cosy little house deep on the bottom of the sea lives a mermaid where today her family pays her a visit.

 

“Please, oh please, Alira tell us the story, please?” said the little merboy whit blonde hair and a green tail.

“no, Gaio you have heard it a lot of times before” said the mermaid with blue hair and a silver tail.

“but I don’t” said Ayka who’s hair and tail where al completely red.

“you never wanted to hear it before” said Alira.

“but now I do” she said.

“And we do to” said the other three merboys and girls.

While there parents who were there to, smiled theire approval that they wanted to hear the story to.

“I see I can’t win” said Alira eventually.

And set her on the couch.

“okay, I’ll tell the story if you stop whining, okay?” she said.

“We promise” they all said.

“It goes a long way back a long long time ago.” Alira said

“Then theire was a wizard of old the most powerful one of al.”

 

“I can’t take it anymore!” wizard rolan roared. “this has to end now!”

“but think Rolan” said Ris “even you can’t just end this! Even you don’t have the strength!”

“I don’t care!” he said “I will end this!” “I’m sic of it, of all this, Rhe can’t stop me! With al his armies he may have conquered the world and scared everyone to death, but not me! I’ll end it!” then he turned around and walked through the door.

Even he can’t end this. thought Ris, Rhe is to strong he has 15 wizards surrounding him and 5 more that lead his armies to battle, it is a wonder that they didn’t took whizcastle yet, probably because he does not know Rolans strength yet. Rhe conquered the whole world and enslaved everybody. And he charges them of crimes they didn’t commit end plays judge end executer the same time, and gives them horrible punishments where the ones he condemns to death are the fortunest! Just for his pleasure! I don’t believe he can end it said Ris but if he can, I will do anything he says.

 

Rolan who went to his work-chamber thought who says I can’t end it? I’ll show them.

End he went looking for his books, when he found them he started looking. And he realised that finding a solution might be more difficult than he first thought. And so he looked for three days in a row. Until he saw a book of myths, and he remembered a myth wherein was spoken about a diamond of justice that would bring justice to anyone who’s goal was pure.

And he’s certainly was. He looked in the book until he found the myth about the diamond, he read it trough and looked for clues and he found:

 

When  your goal will be true you will have to look,

for the white of the sky,

For the blue of the night,

For the black of the sea,

And the red of the land,

If those will be united in a pure goal, you will find the pure and undefined justice.

But behold those wicked! You might not find what you want.

Both true and wicked know what you want! For the diamond does not hold to human rules and ones released it can not be put back from where it came from…

 

There ended the myth. “so this will have to do, for there is nothing else” said Rolan.

But what does it mean? He thought. Even for a wizard of old like he: it made no sense!

The sky was blue so was the sea and the land is brown! This really made no sense. But now he better got some sleep because he hadn’t slept for days. And for the solution: he probably only had to crack some magic code that has laid on it, or so. But it is bad to use magic while you were tired so he wend to his room. And laid himself in his bed and slept almost immediately.

After a few hours Rolan woke up and ate something. Then he went back to his work chamber.

When he came there he took the book and read the myth again. Even after he had slept it still didn’t make sense. So he thought to use a spell on it. He said a large complicated formula and when he’s fingers started to glow he put them on the text and waited. But still nothing happened. This is impossible he thought anything would have reacted on this.

And then Ris came in “Hi Rolan, have you found something that can be of any help?”

“ yes but I do not understand it!”

“what have you found?” Ris asked.

“This, here read it” he said.

“The diamond?” Ris said after a while.

“yes but I don’t understand it! I even tried the krynach-spell but it does not react!”

“it does not react on the krynach?!! That’s impossible! Or not?” He said after a look on Rolans face. Rolan said “it can be, when the diamond would exist out of magic from thousands of years ago. Then it would be able to protect itself from discovering by magic.”

“So we’ll have to solve the riddle?” “I you want to call it that: yes.” Even you as wizard of old?” Ris said laughing. “yes, but do I need  to tell you this every time? That I’m a wizard of old means I have special strength to be able to use special spells from wizards from before.”

“I know, I know” Ris said. “But won’t these spells work?” “no” came the reply “we need to solve this riddle.”

“hmm then I do see some problems, I can agree for the blue of the night but the sky is blue not white, the earth is brown not red and the see is blue. And even if we find all this, how do we know the diamond will help us? Even that we know how to use it?”

“you are right about that” said Rolan “but it is our only chance and who knows, we might find out.”

 

“Alira? When are you finally coming in the story? Gaio said it was also about you!”

“ later Ayka, do you want to hear the story or not?

“yes”

“then I suggest you stop talking, and listen?”

“okay I’m sorry”

 

“but how are you going to find the solution, Rolan?” asked Ris

“As I always do when I have a problem”

“Then what do you do?”

“I go for a walk to think, with the book, do you want to come to?”

“euh, no thank you, I’m going to do some research here”

“As you wish.”

And Rolan took the book and went outside for his walk.

Ris thought: he’s going outside for a walk, when there is need for a solution! He always was crazy.

In the mean time, Rolan was already outside walking along the shore. He thought about the riddle. Until he’s attention was caught by a little girl that was attentively watching him.

He smiled and went to the girl. “hello, who are you?” he asked. the girl looked a little afraid, but answered immediately: “I’m katle, and you are wizard Rolan, no?”

“yes, I am” he said. “are you alright?” He asked, when he saw the girl looking at him attentively. “yes I am, but you seem worried.” “Yes I am a little worried but, everyone is that sometimes”

“But you aren’t just worried. It’s something different. Isn’t it?”

Now this isn’t normal, was she working for Rhe? No, that was impossible Rhe couldn’t know about this? But how could she know? Then he knew it what was! “you’re a sensist.” He said.

“yes” she said. “what are you worrying about?”

He knew he could trust her since it was dangerous to even agree that you are a sensist unless you where one because of their  dangerous magic that protects them and a sensist is always at the side of good and you can not trick them. So he told her his plan and the myth. And then he asked her if she had any idea what it could mean.

She smiled and said “you don’t have to take it al literally it is probably a place where al those things are united in a blue evening.”

 “How do you know that.” he asked.

“That I can’t tell you” she said.

“But I can” came another voice.

Rolan jumped up and looked behind him.

He did not believe his eyes. This could not be.

Their was a mermaid in the sea behind him.

She laughed and said “you look at me like I’m a ghost”

“Because I think I see one”

Now Katle laughed to. But got almost instantly serious.

“You didn’t let me tell him I got it from a mermaid and now you are showing yourself?”

Then the mermaid got a little reluctant. And said “I changed my mind.”

“now your’re lying Alira, what is it?”

“Katle, you are so afraid of other people, because you think that they will not like you. So you talked to no-one except me, I had to do this.”

“that’s mean” said Katle. And ran away.

“that might have been a little harsh for a sensist, their are very sensitive.” Said Rolan.

“yes, but they always see the truth even in harsh things and they like that more than any nice lie.”

“that’s true”

“How do you know about the riddle?” he asked.

 

“there is a prophet that once came to our king and asked “if you could help another from the greatest evil but it would be at the cost of you and your people. What would you do?” “Is this one of your landpeople’s jokes?” the king asked.

the prophet replied: “no, honourable king of the people of the sea, this is a question that needs an answer but be careful, it will change the whole world and everything that is known to exist if you would give the wrong answer.”

The king asked for how long he could think over it. The prophet said “ I will come back tomorrow and then I will need your answer.” And the prophet swam away.

 

“euh, how can a prophet swim stay so long under water?” Rolan asked.

“it is possible to learn a human to breath under water, but only a mermaid can teach it to someone.”

“so there had to be a mermaid that has taught it to him, who?”

“you will find out” asked Alira.

 

When the prophet came back the next day, he stood before the king and asked his answer.

The king who hadn’t slept the last night looked very sad. And said “I will grief for my people that will be the victims of this but I would help the humans.” “then it is given to me to tell you this: There will be a time that you will know that the evil has come and then you must send the mermaid, that has helped me, to the humans. To tell a girl with special powers about the riddle and she must help to find the solution about the diamond. “then what is the solution?” the king asked.

“Know that the wizard and the girl must solve it together. The only thing that the mermaid may tell them is that you may not take it everything literally and that it will be a place where all those things will be united in a blue night.” “can I know the solution?” the king asked. “yes” and the prophet told the king the solution. “but know you may not tell them!”

 And then the prophet wend away to the surface and was never seen again.

 

“So it was you.” said Rolan.

“yes”

“do you know the solution?” he asked.

“partly I, do not know it completely.”

“will you help us? Knowing that it will cause hurt to your people?”

“I will help, but I will try everything to deflect harm.”

 

 

←- death | Iter -→

DateNameComment 
22 Sep 2004:-) Marijke Mahieu
Well, I liked the part about the mermaid telling this story to her family *Tries to imagine a couch in a mermaid house...umm..what's the use?* 12

But I was not so fond of the story part itself. It starts good with this war and the riddle, but I got very confused at the end with the little girl and the mermaid coming into the story. Maybe that is more explained in part 2?

As for the technical part...There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes in here Karolien. I would advice you to either read over the text yourself before you submit it or have someone edit it for you. I know a lot of people will be put off by badly written sentences and won't bother to read through the interesting story itself. Just to help, here's a few of the things I spotted (mistakes you made several times in a row): you mix up "there" (place) and "their" (possessive); you mix up "to" and "too" (vertaald als "ook"...dat kan je onthouden aan de dubbele "o"); whit -> with; end -> and; who's (fine if you mean "who is", but not if you mean the possessive case) -> whose; he's -> his (same thing)...etc. Also check your punctuation. You forgot to put in comma's and full stops several times.

Now, with all that nitpicking out of the way, I don't want you to feel bad about this comment. I would like to encourage you to keep trying! You have the potential to write good stories, but the grammar part needs some work.

The only thing I can say is "practice, practice, practice"! Keep on writing!

Eli

:-) Karolien V Burms replies: "hmm yes now you say so there are a lot of mistakesin the text i'll try to fix it up as soon as possible, thank you for pointing this out to me."
23 Sep 2004:-) Katherine L. Burt
Not bad.... A little confusing, but not a bad start. I like the image of the mermaid telling the story, but, like Eli, I'm not sure what it had to do with the rest of it. Have fun.
25 Sep 2004:-) Kaushik 'Kazarelth' Narasimhan
pretty good work. Just a few mistakes here and there, but they will get better as you go on. why dont you use word? that will help you a lot with grammar and spellings. but i like the story, really good. and the new kind of sensists are cool.

:-) Karolien V Burms replies: "thank you very much but the problem: word does not see al the mistakes for faults becaus the mistakes are in the grammer but I'm working on it. thank you for reading!"
26 Sep 2004:-) Ceddy
CAPITALIZE STUFF, lol. no seriously that's the big nag I have about this story. It was kind of cool; I think the concepts you come up with are interesting. You just need to work on the delivery.

1 Karolien V Burms replies: "thank you! I will certainly work on it"
27 Sep 200445 Andrew K Saw
Very nice! A few mistakes, here and there. But I like the beginning bit with the mer-people! And... I love those descriptions! Keep up the good work.

1 Karolien V Burms replies: "thanks!"
3 Jun 2006:-) Alexandru Moisi
This is a great idea and I love the interruptions from the other mer-people. Just great.
You also have a good sense of humour.
The only problem is the grammar and your sentences can be a little confusing sometimes. Too bad English is your second language, you write great stuff and it’s a pity sentence order and grammar amke it difficult to read.
Keep up the good work!

:-) Karolien V Burms replies: "I do my best, I’ll try to fix it up!"
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'diamond of justice 1':
 • Created by: :-) Karolien V Burms
 • Copyright: ©Karolien V Burms. All rights reserved!

 • Keywords: Diamond, Girl, Mermaid, Wizard
 • Categories: Magic and Sorcery, Spells, etc., Mythical Creatures & Assorted Monsters, Wizards, Priests, Druids, Sorcerers...
 • Views: 519

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