"Fantasy Combat (before editing)" by Ed Edward Edwardius

The warrior’s blade sang of death; whereas the warrior himself tried desperately not to wet himself. The fury of battle brought a steely resolve to the heart of the barbarian. Despite his nervous temperament and undersized bladder, Krugli Toadbeard fought valiantly, unfettered by civilized ways.

“Hark!” Riley Moombow actually said stuff like that. “Hark!” the ranger repeated while nocking an arrow on the string of his great and mighty moombow; yes he had a moombow. “The foul goblins will feel the wrath of… ”

Meanwhile, the mighty elf wizard Zloomkraxo hurried through the casting of a spell, skipping over some less critical parts; then he cringed and pointed a finger, unleashing a crackling ball of magical energy in the right general direction. The wizard pulled his pointy hat down tight and dove heroically behind a boulder.

A thunderous detonation shook the trees, an enormous cloud of black smoke and dust mushroomed up into the sky! Bits of smoldering goblin fur drifted through the treetops and larger wetter bits began raining down; some splattering on the dirt, other longer parts caught in tree limbs.

Riley Moombow climbed down victoriously from the tree he’d been standing in. “Ha ha! The day is ours!”

The wizard popped his head up from behind the rock, making certain the goblins were all dead before standing. Zloomkraxo surveyed the gory scene around him. “Gods, this is disgusting!”

“Huh?” Krugli carefully got up off the ground; his thighs pressed together tightly.

The famed ranger Riley Moombow grimaced at the sight of the barbarian. He gestured toward the side of Krugli’s head. “You’ve got a little… um… entrail… on your um...”

Krugli full-body squirmed: “Ooo… get it off, Riley, get it off!”

Riley Moombow broke a dead stick off a nearby tree limb: “Hold still brave warrior and scrunch down a little,” the ranger cleverly used the long stick to peel a strip of white goblin intestine off the barbarian’s head. Then, holding it as far away as possible, he slung the slimy bit into the woods.

The three brave adventurers took a moment to survey the carnage. There were charred bits of eyeballs, feet, tails and ears all over the place. And the smell… Oh the smell...

Krugli the barbarian took a sharp breath and his hands went urgently between his legs. His face turned red. “I… I gotta go!” He ran for the shrubbery.

Moombow shrugged: “So… you wanna check’em?” He used the toe of his boot to prod at a smoldering goblin.

“For what?” The wizard frowned, ears still ringing.

“Treasure… you know… like gold and rubies and magic stuff!”

“Oh sure.” Zloomkraxo was surprisingly sarcastic for an elf. “I want to jam my delicate hands inside some dead goblin’s pants!”

“Well, somebody’s gotta look. Just last week I heard that my cousin Floyd Moombow found a pair of magic boots on a dead orc!”

“Humph!” The wizard rolled his eyes: “Since there’s obviously no attention to personal hygiene in your family, why don’t you do it?”

“I would but I’ve… got a… a rash. And besides I need to scout around this general area, look for traps and foot prints and stuff. You’re not a ranger,” Moombow said dismissively: “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh, the ranger has a rash!” the wizard mocked. “And somehow that didn’t stop the mighty ranger from climbing up a tree as soon as the goblins attacked!”

Moombow made the point: “That was strategy!”

Krugli Toadbeard bashfully stuck his head out from the bushes. “Um… guys…” He interrupted: “I’m gonna need a change of clothes.”