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Stories / Stories / William A. Thorn / Text 4 of 5 / Dude Your Mom is Hot!

"Dude Your Mom is Hot!" by William A. Thorn

SF&F Picture 4 out of 5 by William A. Thorn

Three guys, and a discussion on superheroes.

This is my entry for the Woodworks superhero contest. If you like it, click the Woodworks link on the Elfwood home page and follow it to the contest of the month and vote for me! No pressure. :)

The conest is over and I got secnd place! Whohoo! (11-10-03)

A shorthaired teenager enters the bedroom. "Wassup Josh?" he asks.

Josh looks away from his computer screen and over to his friend, Travis. "Oh hey man, what's going on?" Behind Travis, Josh eyes another guy wearing typical "skater" duds. Josh doesn't know him but has seen him around his high school.

"This is Ben," says Travis.

"Hey Ben."

"Hey man," says Ben in raspy voice. Ben finds a chair and sits back, eyeing Josh's room.

"What'cha working on there man?" asks Travis.

Josh turns back to his screen. "Woodworks is having a contest to build a superhero. I'm trying to come up with something and send it in before the deadline tomorrow."

"Oh kewl. What'cha got so far?"

"Oh not much, I am just going through all my comic books and coming up with some basic abilities for this guy. I have to explain all his traits, how he got them, and then his weaknesses too."

"Weaknesses?" asks Ben. "Real superheroes don't have weaknesses."

"Travis turns back to Ben. "What are you talking about man? What about kryptonite?"

Ben shrugs, "Yeah I guess, but I still think a superhero needs to be invincible."

"Well," says Josh, already prepared to explain to someone who is obviously not a comic book reader, "A real superhero has faults. You see, if there were nothing that could defeat him, he wouldn't really be a superhero. Without danger or the possibility of failure, how are we to test the hero's worth?"

Ben shrugs again. "I guess."

"So, what'cha got?" asks Travis again.

"Okay," says Josh, spinning back to his computer. "I have in my head a list of cool powers, but first I have been writing down the basics. For example, for stuff like Superman's super strength, I wrote down strong."

"Okay...list them off."

"All right, I've got, strong, fast, smart--"

"Dude," says Travis, "You need like real super powers, like invisibility."

"Yeah I know, but I just started. I want to get a base to build up from." Josh types invisibility into the computer. "What else do I need?"

"Hmmm," Thinks Travis, "How about super hearing, or telepathy?"

"Yeah that's cool I guess." Replies Josh. "What do you think, Ben?"

When Ben doesn't answer, the two turn to see that he is preoccupied with a girl walking down the hall. "Dude, is that your sister?" Ben asks.

"Uh...yeah," replies Josh.

"Well, then I'd go for x-ray vision."

Travis busts out laughing, and Josh replies, "Dude, stop checking out my sister, it's not cool."

"For you, sure, but for me she's fair game. Besides, I can't help it man, she's kinda hot."

"She's not hot man--"

"Hey he's on to something!" exclaims Travis.

Josh turns to him in disbelief. "You think my sister's hot too?"

"No, man...we'll yeah I have to agree with Ben, she's kinda hot," Ben nods in agreement, "But I realized you gotta put down hot as one of her powers."

"What? Wait a sec, what do you mean by her?"

"Yeah man," adds Ben, "All superheroes are hot, and she's got to be a babe."

"Guys!" declares Josh. "Who says he is a she?"

"C'mon, man," explains Ben, "girls are hot. I mean, look at Laura Croft, she's a girl and she's a superhero and she's hot."

"Laura Croft is not a superhero, she's just got equipment and knows how to use it."

Travis laughs. "That she does!"

"Shuddap, you know what I meant," retorts Josh.

"But Ben's right, though. I mean, look at Batman; he's just got stuff and he knows how to use it and he's still a superhero."

Josh sits back in his chair, contemplating the argument. "Yeah I guess so."

"See, I told ya," says Ben. "Now all we have to do is figure out what sort of super powers your sister has."

"Dude! My sister isn't going to be my superhero, all right? Now knock it off."

"Josh!" comes a holler from down the hall. The three look to see Josh's mom, Mrs. Neary, walking to Josh's room and holding a plate of steaming bagel bites. "Josh, I made these for you and your friends," she says.

"Oh thanks mom!" says Josh, getting up to grab a bunch.

"Now offer them to your friends first, Josh."

"Yes mom," he replies and hands the plate to the other two who scoop up all they can hold.

"Thanks Mrs. Neary," says Travis quickly before scarfing down the pizza-like snack.

"Yeah thanks," adds Ben, doing the same.

"I don't think I know you," says Mrs. Neary, looking to Ben.

"I'm Ben," he says with a mouthful. "Ben Kinapky."

"Pat's boy?"

"Yeah."

"Oh so you're little Benny Kinapky."

Sheepishly, Ben swallows and nods. "You know my mom?"

Mrs. Neary grins, "Oh we used to know each other well. She and I and a group of friends used to go out dancing--"

"Mom, please!"

Mrs. Neary cuts herself short, shooting a smirk back to Josh. "Well, I have to get going anyway, I have to take your sister to practice. Let your dad know that after that I will be heading to the market and that dinner is in the oven and will be ready when the buzzer rings. Okay?"

"Yeah mom."

"When it rings turn the oven off, okay?"

"Yes mom."

"All right. You boys are welcome to have some dinner when it is ready but only after Mr. Neary comes home, all right?"

Both Ben and Travis ring out, "Thanks Mrs. Neary,"

Mrs. Neary smiles and leaves the room. Once she has left the house with Josh's sister, Ben remarks, "Whoa man, your mom is hot too!"

"What?" asks Josh, astounded.

"Man, if I were her age I'd--"

Josh jumps up from his chair and grabs Ben by the collar. "You'd what, huh? You'd what?"

Surprised, Ben rethinks his train of thought. "Um...I'd...take her out to a nice dinner...and a movie...and escort her to the door and say goodnight-"

"Dude!" hollers Josh in disgust, as Travis just sits back laughing.

"I mean I mean...if she weren't your mom...and not, you know, married and stuff," offers Ben.

"Dude, don't be talking about my mom like that."

"I'm sorry man, but your mom is kinda hot." Josh tightens his fist and motions to make a punch. "Okay, okay man...I don't mean anything bad by it. You just have a cool mom."

"She can be cool but not hot, you got that?"

"Ya know, Josh," says Travis. Josh lets go of Ben and sits back down. "Your mom is hot enough to be a superhero."

Ben busts out laughing and Josh stands once again to defend his mother's dignity, stating, "Dude I'm gonna belt you one--"

"No wait man, think about it. She is attractive, right?"

"Okay, I'll go for that. My mom is pretty."

"And she like...does everything around here, right?"

Josh sits. "She may do everything around the house but that doesn't make her a superhero."

"Why not?" asks Ben. "She's...she's quick right? I mean, I don't about your mom, but my mom was quick enough to catch me whenever I was misbehaving and stuff."

"Yeah, maybe when I was two," replies Josh.

"Yeah that's right!" says Travis. "And she's strong, right? She was able to whoop your butt right?"

"My mom sure could whoop my hide," says Ben, "She even broke a wooden spoon on me once."

Josh retorts, "Dude, when I was little, sure, but I could whoop her now if I wanted to."

"All right tough guy," responds Ben, "when your mom comes back home, go whoop her butt."

"Yeah." adds Travis.

"What? No! I mean I could if I had to but I won't because she's my mom."

"Well I think that means she's stronger than him," says Ben, "Since there is no proof to the contrary."

"That's right," says Travis, pacing around the room and thinking some more. "And she has x-ray eyes too."

"What, are you guys nuts? My mom doesn't have x-ray vision!"

"Of course she does," says Ben, "All moms have x-ray eyes. How else would they know when we were hiding frogs and stuff in our pockets when we were coming inside for dinner?"

"That's not x-ray vision," retorts Josh, "That's intuition."

"Ah ha! So she has telepathy," says Travis. "All right this is good. Write this down, Josh; your mom is strong, fast, has x-rays eyes and telepathy!"

"What? No! Let's be serious here. If she had telepathy then being her child, I would have it too. She doesn't, I don't, so then my mom is just my mom, that's it!"

"You, telepathic?" chuckles Travis. "More like tele-pathetic!"

Ben laughs along. "Too funny. Now, what else could she be able to do?"

"I got it!" exclaims Travis.

"What?" asks Josh.

"She can teleport!"

"No she can't!" states Josh. "She has to drive just like everyone else."

"No no," retorts Travis, "She can teleport! How else can your mom be everywhere and do everything at the same time! Band practice, cheerleader squad, grocery shopping and all that. Just because she uses a mini-van doesn't mean it is not teleportation! No one said it had to be instantaneous."

"That's right!" says Ben. "She can teleport...and cook! She has the equipment to cook with and knows how to use it, just like Laura Croft!"

Josh just sits back in his chair. "Guys are you going to help me or are you just going to goof around, huh?" "That's right, equipment!" repeats Travis. "She can cook, she can teleport, she can whoop Josh's butt..." "Hey man, don't say that." "But, as I was just told, in order to be a superhero, she needs a fault, a weakness," says Ben. "What could it be?" "Guys, lay off my mom, all right?" "Josh!" exclaims Travis. "What?" asks Josh, thoroughly annoyed. "Josh, you are her weakness!" "Dude, now you are just insulting me!" "No no," says Ben. "It is just like Fannie Mae!" Josh and Travis throw Ben a confused look. "What?" they both ask. "You know, Fannie Mae? Spiderman's grandmother?" "No, dummy," corrects Josh, "Aunt Mae. Fannie Mae makes candies." "Well whatever. You knew what I meant. You are your mom's weakness because she cares about you and has to protect you." "Yeah I guess," says Josh. "No, even better," adds Travis. "Josh is his mom's weakness and strength! Just like Batman's dead parents are his motiviation to fight crime but at the same time he can't get over his loss! Josh is his mom's motivation to do the superhero things she does but at the same time his weakness because she cares for him!" "Man, you guys are nuts. I am going to write up a real superhero." "No no," says Ben, "this is so perfect. Your mom is a real superhero. I mean, just imagine all the things she does." "Like what?" asks Josh. "Well," says Travis, "She cooks." "Fights hunger," states Ben like a television program voice over. "She picks up around the house," continues Travis. "Cleans the environment!" states Ben. "No, she tells me to clean up after myself!" retorts Josh. "Fights littering!" adds Ben again. "Allows us to stay for dinner," says Travis. "Helps the less fortunate!" "What else" says Travis, and then with a snap of his fingers he adds, "She didn't tell your dad when you got detention last month too." "Opponent to unnecessary violence!" "She does keep me and my sister in line," offers Josh. "Promotes peace!" "See, Dude? Your mom really is a superhero. All our moms are!" "Man...I guess you are right. But I still need to explain how she became one." "Simple man," explains Ben, "She's a mom." "That's right," says Travis. "The very act of child birth made her a superhero." "Hey that's kinda cool man!" says Ben. "It is like a transformation, kinda like Spiderman!" "Yeah!" says Travis. "A metamorphosis!" "Yeah but that involved a radioactive spider, guys," responds Josh, "That is a freak one-in-a-bajillion thing. Babies being born happens everyday, nothing all that special about that." "What?" asks Ben. "Are you saying that pushing a watermelon through your butt wouldn't count for an extraordinary day?" Travis laughs. "Yeah man, can you give birth? What if you needed a cesarean, would you think it wasn't any big deal then?" Ben asks, "What's a cesarean exactly?" Josh looks at him in disbelief and motions along his anatomy as if he were a woman and responds, "It is when they cut you from here up to here to get the baby out." Ben grabs himself and winces, "Oh man, it would really take a superhero to go through that!" "You know, I never really looked at it like that," says Josh. "My mom really is a superhero." "You got that right more than you know son," booms a voice throughout the room. The boys all turn to see Mr. Neary standing at their door. "Oh hey dad," says Josh, and then the oven buzzer goes off. "Time for dinner." His dad smiles and heads down the hall along with the rest, to eat what mom cooked for them. Later that night, Mrs. Neary chuckles as Mr. Neary explains what little he heard earlier that day, and she kisses him goodnight as he dozes off to sleep. She heads upstairs to check on her children and finds her daughter up, still doing homework and listening to music on her headphones. When she peeks in to Josh's room, she finds he has fallen asleep in his clothes again, reading another one of his comic books. She smiles at her precious son and then wiggles her nose. Slowly the comic book rises out of Josh's sleeping grasp and floats to his desk, setting itself down without putting a wrinkle in the pages. Then the bed sheets slowly rise up over him and he rolls over and snuggles himself in. Wiggling her nose once again, the lamp by the bed turns itself out, and then she slowly closes the door and heads to bed herself.

←- Katrina's Resolution | To Victory! -→

Date	Name	Comment
7 Jan 2004	Chyaz Samuel	Loading... I really love this! I love hearing American language, and you've worked it to it's full potential! I'm English,so everyone in England's like 'Don't say Dude, Chyaz, it's so American-ised', but I use it anyway! Keep up the great work, I love this, it should have come first. Love Chyaz ^_^ William A. Thorn replies: "I hate to admit it, but when I am laid back and conversing with my buds, one too many "dudes" slips out. But that is only with those I am comfortable with. What sort of slang is hip in England these days?"
10 Jan 2004	The Lizard Lady	Loading... uh, chris roberts, SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! obiviously you are a mindless sx zombie and mindless sx zombies do not belong in Elfwood so..............BUZZ OFF!!!!!!!!!!Mr. william thorn, again i love this story ^^'!and yet again i am sorry for any inconvinence. William A. Thorn replies: "You go girl!"
19 Jan 2004	The Lizard Lady	Loading... Why thank you very much! as always i love your stories! i just hope that jerk, chris roberts, has truely buzzed off! you know wut ? >___< i wish the peeps in charge of elfwood would please ban him from the site! well, i'll keep on checking in on your place in elfwood! bye! William A. Thorn replies: "Slowly I am working on more material and hopefully you won't be dissapointed"
22 Jan 2004	Blood Rayne	Loading... Why don't you just shut up Chris Roberts? Because none of us want to hear your smutty thoughts. You have the right to say your mind, but you DO NOT have the right to criticize others for no reason other than your F****d up thoughts. Sorry for any younger readers who may be offended by anything that I, or anyone else here has said. P.S. Go lizard lady! William A. Thorn replies: "Do I sense the makings of an Anti-Chris-Roberts club?"
16 May 2004	Matt J. Perry	Loading... Haha, I loved this- who cares what Chris says? William A. Thorn replies: "Not me!"
1 Jul 2004	Andis	Loading... This was very interesting. I did notice a fwe mistakes in grammar, though. When talking to someone, their name should be set off by commas. Stuff like that. William A. Thorn replies: "I may have missed a comma or two, though in conversation, I tend to use commas more for pause rather that for proper grammar. I think that represents conversation in a truer sense."
13 Jul 2004	A.k.a me	Loading... Chris, get a feckin life!! Just becuase you are hrny, and you have a sick a* mind doens't mean you can say those things. If you want p*rn, then go pick up a magazine, I mean, what are you doing here if you don't like this place??? And how old are you?? Hmm? Does your mom go around on the corners? No, I think not. Mothers are respectable ppl. Who we should admire and respect, and the concept behind this is excellent. Mothers are heros, they teach us, raise us, protect us, they DO NOT do the things you wish they were. Things are not as you like them to be (Thank God), live with it, you racist, eggo-tisitcal, arrogant, sick-minded, nasty jerk! (on a lighter note) I love this story, it really is funny, I would kill anyone who said they would do those things with my mom. I live it to bits! The concept, everything, you sir, are one of the most talented writers I know! William A. Thorn replies: "Thank you...and I don't think I'd dare to disagree with you either!"
7 Oct 2005	Wow	Loading... Love the ending, and it was funny to really good
5 Apr 2009	Neeko	Loading... Lol. that was cute.
3 Aug 2009	Lyndsay MacDonald	Loading... I only read the first half because after that it gets all full of text tags, didn’t feel like reading between the lines. Very cute though! As a mother, I like the idea of a mom being the superhero. Hopefully that’s how the story ended
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About 'Dude Your Mom is Hot!':

• Status: OK
• Created by:

William A. Thorn
• Copyright: ©William A. Thorn. All rights reserved!

• Keywords: Super, Superhero, Woodworks, Contest
• Categories: Urban Fantasy and/or Cyberpunk, Parody
• Views: 275

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